What do I do when I feel like LBing because I can't do anything right. I fight throwing A circumstances around.
I want to plan A to death, but sometimes there has to be time to not plan A.

In MC yesterday, she brought up some of what she wants, more talking, not small talk, and for me to open up, but I feel everytime I try to, it is more for ammunition to use against me. I told her something that was bothering me when she asked, and then she was silent and evasive the rest of the day, and then blamed me for being "pouty" when I didn't want to watch a show with her and the kids, so I went into a different room to read.

It seems like its a kind of power play. Not sure if it is, but it makes it hard to open up. I really want to, so bad, but I am not sure I can handle the negative reaction. It may all be in my head, I tend to overreact sometimes, but now she is doing it. We both think we can't win. I hate this game, I really,really hate mind games.
I am at the 5 mos mark, so I keep this in mind as far as the anger and resentment stage, but christ man, I want more out of this marriage. I want to be her husband, not just a partner to help with things.
Our so called SF has dropped again, which is also very frustrating. I have so much bitterness building up I don't know what to do.
I, well, ..........I'm just lost this morning. It is hard to not be emotional, family still does not know, and I can't explain why I'm moody. They just think it is me, and that W has nothing to do with it. So much bottled up, and no where to release execpt here, but, oh well, Depression always seems to welcome me with open arms. Ain't life grand....!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Zip your lip and go to another room.


Then you need to point this out to her. If she is going to take your words and use them against you, she needs to think about that. If what you are saying upsets her, then she needs to tell you why she is upset.



Apparently she didn't like the answer you gave her. Rather than focus on her reacion, let her chew it over a while. Then ask her what she thought of your answer. Don't accuse her of evasive, just tell her you genuinely care about what she thinks.


It might just be that you both are afraid of being hurt when the other gives a negative reaction. Perhaps you can talk to her about how both of you need to think first, then react.


Have you told her this? That you long to be her husband in every way? To love her, protect her, cherish her?


Try telling her all about how you long to be her husband and see if the SF situation doesn't improve.


It is really hard to put on a pleasant air around family when they don't know what is going on. You'd like them to know you have a REASON for being so down, and yet you can't share it. So you come here. That is good.

Hang in there. The hard work will eventually pay off.

~ Snow

HH

Sb seems to have covered all the points...

Do you want the family to know? It sounds like it...but I don't think that telingl them will help your situation.

What was your relationship like before the A? Were you "open" with your feelings before the A? Did you contribute more than "small talk" before the A?

All the things that both of you want now were probably not in place before the A so the two of you need new tools in communicating and sharing with each other. I think that a good place to bring this up would be in MC.

I think that sometimes when we get married we think we "know" our S and we think we "know" ourselves. We build our relationship based on many assumptions or perceptions of our S and they of us. The A magnifies those assumptions and we realize that our perspective is at best "not on target."

Both of you have much work to do. The best part is that you can do it and the results can be beyond your dreams. Stay strong and continue to be the best H ever.

H

Sb, thanks, I keep reading your post, I try to implement what you say, just is hard.

H, No the family does not know, Yes, Ikindof want them to know just because of what they think is wrong with me. I am closer to her family than my own.

No, we didn't really talk before the A, probably, mostly my fault, I keep things in,(childhood habits). Iam trying to work on this part in IC.

I think there are alot of assumptions on both sides. right or wrong, This is what MC is working on with us.

Seems there is never a good time to really talk, and when we finally do, we are interupted by the kids. and we really never get back on target.

This is really hard sometimes.

sometimes there has to be time to not plan A.

If your wies affair is over and NC is in place, you need not 'plan A' any more.

Your job now is threefold IME :

1. Being the best spouse you can be in a day-to-day sense
2. Maintaining your personal boundaries
3. Recovering yourself from the scorched earth of the affair.

It LOOKS a lot like plan A because avoiding LBs, and meeting ENs are high on the agenda, but you can and must discuss affair and relationship issues now, while that was not advisable during plan A.

Its important that avoiding LBs and meeting ENs become part of your instinctive make up now. Not just for 'recovery' but as tools for managing your relationship going forward.

Use wonderful tools like POJA and PORH so often that you become skilled with them.

And keep studying - you are not the only one with a storm raging within them right now. Your FWW's head is a total mess.

Read up Patriots WS toolkit thread and also this wonderful thread of a FWS who doesn;t post anymore. It gave me enormous insight into the workings of my Squids head and heart :
SKMs wonderful insight into a WS after D-day

Many recovered people say that the first year of recovery ios harder than ending the affair, and I am coming to believe that.

but look at the stories of ANY of teh recovered FWS on here are their tales are STREWN with horrors like yours.

Time, love and tenderness will help your recovery work.

Have patience and lock up or distract your taker some more for a whwile.

All blessings

In MC yesterday, she brought up some of what she wants, more talking, not small talk, and for me to open up, but I feel everytime I try to, it is more for ammunition to use against me.

I don't know what you are talking about....

Learning to talk to your wife..about the little stuff and about the big stuff is a process...

and one of the first things you have to do is
1. not focus on her response to what you are going to say..

2. and NOT say things that can and will be used against you.....

what exactly does she want you to open up about.....

what does that mean...."open up"
what do you think it means
what does she think it means...


I told her something that was bothering me when she asked, and then she was silent and evasive the rest of the day, and then blamed me for being "pouty" when I didn't want to watch a show with her and the kids, so I went into a different room to read.

I hope you aren't equating opening up with being equal to telling her something that is bothering you...cause to mose woman they aren't....

opening up to a woman is sharing dreams and desires...and small incididences that happened to you that day ...than made you think of or appreciate her......

AND
you could have watched tV with her and the kids...AND read your book....

I want more out of this marriage. I want to be her husband, not just a partner to help with things.

and she wants the same...
even identifies a way for you to act on this...

open up more....
and you come up with a million excuses

it's hard
She responds this way or that.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

blessed are you to have a wife who gives examples of what she wants....

explain to me what you think she wants from you...
and then lets figure out how you do just that ...

ARK^^