You cheated. No text messages or emails, either.

You don't know if she's in contact with the OM. You can't stop her if she is. So I wouldn't worry about it.

Okay Martin or Coach you are really gonna chew me out on this one. Beth contacted me by text message and ask me if I had talked to my lawyer so I called her back and told her that I did not want a divorce and she said too bad. I then attacked her about her affair and ask her that when she was with this guy did they have protected sex and she starts singing it's none of my business. So what am I suppose to do? Do I really want the details?

No. Right now you don't need the details. She's not going to tell you, anyway. She holds all the bargaining chips. You need a few chips of your own to negotiate with.

Giving her a chance to miss you, want you, wonder how you are, etc., would have been a way for you to accumulate a couple chips. Let HER want something from YOU -- a conversation, information, whatever.

You keep pushing her away.

What drives me nuts, Gaboy, is I think your (comparative) silence was working. SHE WANTED TO KNOW HOW YOU ARE.

She doesn't need to know if you've called a lawyer. What business is it of hers? All she has to do is serve you with papers. How you work with it is your business.

I'm betting that her text message was a way of checking up on you. A bid for information and attention.

Why don't you send a text message back? (No phone calls.) Something like, "Gee, Sweetie, sorry I blew my top earlier. All this divorce talk is really unpleasant to me, and sometimes I just can't handle it. I'm going out to have a beer with some friends/to a movie with friends/to the gym to workout. Hope you have a nice evening!" (Find your own words.) Keep it sweet, simple, and honest -- and no more phoning till she phones you!

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

Have you written her a letter speaking about your reflections on the past and what you did to contribute to the downfall of the M ?

I would do that.

Don't ask her to come back at the end, don't say you'll be her friend. Just tell her that you love her and acknowledge your own issues. Don't bring up her affair or anything at this point.

Just my two cents.

I am really thinking that she had sex with him before we were even married and she married me on a whelm.

Unlikely. But it doesn't even matter at this point.

Leave off fruitless speculation. Do something practical.

Did you text message that apology? Regardless of the marriage, it's always good to apologize for emotional outbursts -- and here it has a practical aim, too.

No Martin I am serious I think that she did, before we were married we got into a huge argument about my temper and broke up for a couple weeks, then 4 months later we were married. Its like I am at the end of my rope. I got to stop contact with her. It seems that she is playing some sort of game, she seems so happy and energetic.

Yes, you need to stop INITIATING contact. But send the apology first. In the morning maybe. No more contact after that. You tend to act impulsively -- you know that it's unwise to call her, but you do it when you get mad.

Maybe she enjoys being free from your temper. The more you get mad, the more she's glad she left. Don't add fuel to the fire.

G-Boy,
You refuse to be helped! You just refuse to get it! Instead you just continue to do all the dumb things calculated to get your sorry @ss dumped to the curb. Are you hearing me yet?

No logical discussion can be had or strategy formulated until you get control of yourself.. What are you a child…that you stand there demanding immediate gratification? And I’m not a bit sorry for taking this verbal 2 x 4 to your sorry head.

If you want this woman back in your life, then there is way to do it. It may take time, effort and patience but it can be done. I know because I did it and have helped many friends do it as well. But if you refuse to take control of yourself and keep insisting on repeating the same mistakes….over and over and over…you will end up getting more of what you’re getting right now; abuse!

Now for the last time will you just stop worrying about stupid stuff that you have no control over and begin taking ownership of what you do have control over or are you just going to keep on keeping on…?

First of all, divorce isn’t an ending…not unless you decide that it is! Get it? It’s not the best way to go but guess what? Sometimes you don’t get to choose so stop worrying about labels and start worrying about substance.

Begin by simply keeping your mouth shut. Ask no question, make no statements, do not argue or debate anything with her…AND make your sorry @ss scarce! When you do speak with her be cool, civil, kind but uninterested! Your WW is screwed up big time and you are trying to talk sense to her? So tell me G-boy, who is the real crazy person in this relationship? Just back off. She will come to you. She will…and she will come at you like Attila the Hun…like it’s you that are responsible for everything that’s wrong in her life. So when she does, all you do is show a concerned look on your face and listen! Make no excuse or comment! Just listen!

By the way, if you think that she was “doing” this guy even before you were married maybe you need to begin working on your relationship by re-evaluating how you communicate with her, period. Maybe she has you down in her mind as to stupid to really know and understand how badly she has cheated you. Maybe at the right time, you will let her know that you know (or suspect) and that you love her anyway! Now won’t that open her cheating little eyes!?

G-boy, this can be worked out. I’ve seen worse situations then yours but guess what? Nothing is going to happen while your WW has you pinned as a butt head and you continue to live up to who she things you are. And Bro this is my last go around with you. Now are you ready to work or do you still prefer to be on your hands and knees?

Coach

When back home today to sign some papers with the realtor and went by the house to adjust the sprinkler system, guess what she was there I wasnt real nice she had to run some errands in town and left. Well the realtor gave me a key to my own home since she changed the locks. I went inside to get some more clothes and lo and behold she shows up and goes ape sh$$T. She begins shouting and screaming that I am not suppose to be in my own home. She tried to provoke me into a shouting match and begin hitting me. I did lose control and said that we would not be in this situation if she had not been a whore. I really lost my cool, she lost hers so to be on the safe side I called a deputy sheriff to come over while I got my things.

She calls her parents and her daddy ask me if i laid a hand on her and he said if I did he would beat my butt. He told me to sign the divorce papers like they were but in her mind she has them drawn up so screwed up that I get nothing from the equity of selling the house because her parents gave us 20,000 to go toward our home. I finally gathered up all my stuff and did not say a word to her so she screamed at me and I LB big time and said bye whore. My emotions got the best of me.

She is gonna have the divorce papers served on me tommorrow but I have the chance to change them so if it goes to a contested divorce our trial will not be until august. So yeah i messed up big time I guess. 2x4 for me. I really feel that this is it no turning back now!!!

Please chime in

Come on guys is it over?

Yes. I think it is.

She has shown, with a previous separation, that your temper is a big love-buster for her.

You have shown, consistently, that you prefer keeping your temper to keeping her.

You get to keep your temper. She gets to have her freedom.

What could be more just?

So is there anything else I can do at this point?

Honest to G-D G-Boy, I'm beginning to feel like a profit! If you & your WW only knew how sad and predictable you both are.

So even after being told what to expect, you waked right into it! She yells and you simply have to yell back! Right? You couldn't just simply turn and walk away could you? No that would have been too easy. So you stood your ground like Mr. Macho and you told her off good and proper! Right? And now you want to know if this is the end? LMAO! Sh#T, G-Boy, if you spoke to me the way you spoke to her, even I would divorce you...and I like you! LOL

And her father wants to know if you put your hands in her? Well did you? Good reputation you're getting G-Boy...folks are starting to think that you beat up on woman on top of everything else.

She cheats and you get the pipe! LOL Great! And all because you refuse to use your head and take control of yourself. So what are your plans now G-Boy? Are you ready to listen or do you want to go 10 rounds with her father...maybe put the old man in the hospital...and won't that endear you to your WW?

So what do you do? Get a lawyer first of all. If you get served you have to respond. Next, go dark! That means you neither call her nor accept any call from her at all! Period, narda, nothing…YOU DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER AT ALL! Get it?

And that’s they way you leave it till things chill out. You wait and see if you get the papers from her. If you don’t get served with in two weeks, you are probably out of the woods where an immediate divorce is concerned. And if you stay dark, maybe just maybe she will begin to wonder where the h#ll you are and what you’re doing. Get it? Maybe she will want to see you!...If you give it enough time! And G-Boy no matter what, you DON’T TAKE HER PHONE CALLS!

Can you manage to do this? That is the question. And G-Boy, when I say Dark I mean pitch black! If you have to, then get out of town for a while and don’t tell anyone where you’re going...that’s right, run for the hills!

You need a good long cooling off period and you need to take stock in yourself so when your last chance to save this thing maybe comes along, you’re ready to make the right moves.

Are you with me on this or are you going to handle this thing with hang up phones calls or by stalking her or by calling the woman you say you love more dirty names?

Come in now, you can do this. Get control of yourself! OK?
Coach

The papers will be served tomorrow and if it goes contested it will be aug before we get a trial date. You are right I will go dark, no calling nothing

So how long do I stay hidden? If she calls I wont answer the phone. Please others chime in too

Okay those that have been here have seen situations like this one and I do know that divorce is only a process and not the end.

The point is for you to demonstrate self-control and anger management, and give her time to cool off. This is time for you to work on YOU.

I think you could use some counseling for anger and impulsivity. No fooling. It seems to be a big LB for your wife.

Now THAT would impress her. But don't call her to tell her you are getting counseling. Coach knows what he's talking about. Go dark. Start working on some of these issues -- for YOURSELF.

G-Boy,
Stop thinking ahead. Start thinking about day to day life and how you're going to begin living that life for yourself.

Your WW is not in your future at the moment and there is nothing you can do to change that ACCEPT...to back off and let her figure out for herself that you are not the cause of her problems and you are not the bad person here. It's not you that's caused her life to go south on her.

What you need to do is give her a good long time to be away from you...time for her to reflect on what she really wants.When she figures that out, then she'll find a way to reach out to you that will take some real effort on her part. Not just a simple phone call! But you have to give her this time.

The thing is G-Boy, when she does come to you, and believe me she will, you need to introduce her to a man that she can love and depend on. That's what folks mean when they say work on yourself.

Get your butt into therapy! Begin to understand who you are and the mistakes you make. Begin to learn how to handle hurt and pin with out striking out at others.

G-Boy,this is a tall order but the work you do is for you, not for her. You have to start growing again and now is the right time to get moving.

Just stay dark! Make no contact, accept no contact. Get a lawyer and let him/her handle any nasty details until things chill out a while.

Begin with your lawyer by having making it very expensive emotionally as well as financially, for her to go the divorce route. You just stay dark and keep your mouth shut and let your lawyer be the bad guy. That's what lawyes do.

Coach
Coach