I'm new to this site but I found "Surviving An Affair" very helpfull. I need help deciding how long to continue Plan A. Here is my story..... Last September my WH told me he had been sleeping with a good friend of ours for almost a year but that it was over as she had a new boyfriend. We worked on dealing with it for the next few days before he went to a conference out of town for a week. He came home and everything seemed to be going ok. We went away the next weekend with friends and he was kinda quiet. When we got home he sat me down and told me he had been doing a lot of thinking and didn't think he wanted to be with me anymore and that he was going to the OW's house for the night, then to his brothers. I was floored! He came to the house to see if I was ok the next day and called me each day he was gone. Three days later he called in the middle of the night to ask if he could come home, of course I said yes. Things were good for about a month then he told me that he was sorry but he "fell for her sh-t" again, that he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. In the conversation that followed he told me that she started calling him a few weeks ago and he went right back. He said she is very convincing. She kept calling and he left again the day after Thanksgiving, 11/26/04. He continued to call me every day from work. He swore that he still cared for me, just not that way anymore. I didn't call him or txt msg him unless he contacted me first. About three weeks after he left, two without seeing each other, he sent me a msg "I know I don't say it but I still love you" He came to see me at xmas and insisted on getting me a present. After that I didn't see him for a while but he still called. I went out of town for a week and he called a few times and again sent me messages telling me he loves and misses me. I met someone while I was gone. After a month of just being friendly he sent me a msg asking if I still loved him or had it all faded away because he felt like I had already moved on. We got together and talked for a long time, he loves me but doesn't know what he wants. I've been spending all of this time working on myself. We'll just say that Love Busters were a regular part of life and I didn't even realize I had been doing it. He can't believe the change in me and is very happy with it but still isn't ready to give up the OW. He has been living on their couch all of this time (she still lives w/mom and bro). We have gotten closer over the last two months and are getting along better than we have in a very long time. A month ago he told me that he got an apt and she was moving in with him. He told me that things he's seen and heard have made him realize that it won't work out with them but he has to prove it to himself. This will be the last straw for them, they will have tried everything. He tells me that he's more optimistic about us than he has been since the whole thing started. He has told me that if I want to move on that he won't stop me but he's not going to encourage me either. He wants me to give him the time to work things out and I told him I would. I love him that much. One night on the phone I asked him if heloved me like he did when we got married and he said yes, if he didn't we wouldn't be talking. We have both learned communication was not our strong point and are working on it. I sent him the emotional needs questionaire and he did it and sent it back last week. I'm doing my best to meet his needs but it is hard because he isn't here. He does come here twice a week to help around the house and spend time with each other. It seems to be going well. It just kills me when he leaves to go home to her. I'm not the most patient person in the world. Next week it will be six months since he left. I now concider myself on plan A but am not sure if I should concider it starting now or count the last six months? If anyone has any comments, suggestions, advice, etc... It would be greatly appreciated. (Please forgive my spelling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

I am so sorry for the pain that you must be going through. My WH and I are still in the same home and working on recovery. Your experience is one of the nightmares that I was so afraid would happen to me.

It's sounds as though Plan A is over and you need to consider Plan B. He has left the home and it sounds as though he really cares about you and misses you when he leaves. Are you up to NC with him? It will be hard I'm sure since I can't imagine not having my H in my life. He needs a dose of reality to offset the fantasy world he is living in. He says that he knows the A won't last but needs to prove it to himself? Then let him. It will most certainly fall apart as soon as the real world sets in.

Until then, take care of yourself. Have you read the books? Do you have kids? What do the families think? Do you have a support network to help you through this? Remember that you didn't make his decisions for him and you can't control what he does now. You can control you though and I know that truth and care will come through to help you whether he returns or not.

Consider sending him a letter of release. Tell him how you feel about the relationship you had and where you hope it could go in the future if he gives up the affair. Make sure he knows that you can't have contact with him until the affair is over. He can know that you don't agree with his choices but you have to respect that he has to make his own decisions. What he really needs to understand is that he can't have you both at the same time. From what you have written, he really wants you but is addicted to the OW. Time will be the test.

I am sending you much care and prayers for the end of your pain and the resolution to your problem. Read up on Plan B. It sounds as if it is your only option at this point if you want to continue the relationship at all in the future. I am pretty new here myself though so I invite you to read more of the posts. There is a wealth of wisdom here.

Take care,
Loni