Well, I can see why you were confused. The new thread button says "post" and I wasn't sure if that was it myself!

Shine, when you say you are 3 years past D-Day, can you describe how your marriage is now? This was your wife's affair? Has it ended?

WOW,\
Sorry but i got logged out. I really hate this program.
You asked, "how is your marriage now".
My wife never actively participated in recovery. We went to three differnt counselors, which included IC and MC. After reading everything on this site, they were so far off base that it became a joke. My wife's IC sympathised with her so much about being manipulated by her Predetor boss that it almost made me throw up. My wife is too smart for that, but, it was a great out for her.
I'm left with extreme doubt about what was true and what has not been told. A funtion of my lost trust I guess, or maybe not???
Thanks for starting thread. I don't know how to do it.
Jerry

Jerry, it sounds like your first step should be to address your drinking problem and I know you know what to do with that. I would suggest getting to a meeting and asking them to set you up with a sponsor for the time being. You can select another one later. But getting a sponsor right away will keep you accountable for the time being. Try and find a meeting with some old timers and stick with the winners.

And I wanted to point out something about getting sober for others. Most alcoholics at AA meetings are there for someone else. It is rare they made it there for themselves. Many are ordered there by judges, spouses, employers, etc. It's common that they get sober for someone else. But....in order to stay sober, it has to be for themselves. Perhaps you are nearing your bottom? Did you ever believe you really were an alcoholic?

Oh for sure,
I never denied it and I do not live in deniel. I openly profese my alcolism to my family and any one who might ask.
That's what kinda scares me, I really don't care who knows.
I've come way beyond secrecy and all that occurs in the beginning of this disease(?). What scares me me is I don't seem to to care at all anymore. I seem to lack any hope anymore. It's getting to be a deesperate situation I guess.
Jerry

You know, you will care when the pain of drinking becomes too great and you lose too much. How painful is it now?

No less painfull than my wife's betrayal, that's is for sure!

You know what is really bad about this, ST? If you have been drinking since D-Day then you have never really recovered from her affair. You have simply anesthesized the pain. You have put it off for another day. Do you realize that?

In the meantime, you are really emotionally unavailable in the marriage, which prevents any real intimacy or honest communication from taking place. You are lingering away in a drunken limbo, spinning your wheels.

ST, do you want to stop drinking?

Ben there, done that. I sobered up for 4 mos. and nothing changed. It's no longer about me being sober.
I guess this is where that business of sobering up for your self comes in, right?

ST, what do you mean nothing changed when you sobered up? You were sober, right? At least it was a start. Unless you think somehow that the drinking helps your marriage?

Secondly, it takes alot more than just stopping drinking to be sober, that is just the first step. The hard part is learning how to live sober. Please note that only ONE of the twelve steps is about quitting drinking. All the rest are focused on our living problem. That is because drinking is the RESULT of a living problem. Drinking is not *THE* problem.

I should also point out that it takes about a year for all the alcohol to leave your system.

The truth is there is no chance of your marriage getting better as long as you are drinking because you are emotionally unavailable. You won't ever be able to experience the intimacy or emotional closeness that is required to sustain a marriage as long as you are drinking. And that will take a lot more than just putting down the drink for 4 months.

How do I reconcile that with the fact that my wife berayed me after 16 years of sobrierty? I could understand if I was drinking at the time of her betrayal, but I was sober, so what did that get me?

ST, who says your w's betrayal had anything to do with your sobriety? I am not. I doubt it is related at all. But something was probably wrong in the marriage, and you cannot ever address that something until you are sober. At least if you are sober, you have a chance; you have no chance if you are drunk.

Now, if you want to get sober, then lets' make a plan, but it's not my job to talk you into getting sober against your will. This is your problem, not mine. If you want to be a drunk, then by all means stay that way. Its no sweat off my back. But, if you want to get sober, then let me know and I can help you.

How many meetings a week were you going to before you got drunk again?

OK,
last time i did this was because i had come to the conclusion that i had to do something to improve myself. it really had nothing to do with my WW. i was seariously thinking only about myself. Perhaps that was the correct line of thoght? It did'nt last because I was expevting a return from my wife. Wrong again!
Sooner or later, I'll smarting up enouf to realisize I can't do this without a support system of some sort. I suppose I just always expected my wife to be that. What was I thinking?
Jerry

Jerry, you have to make yourself better before you can make your marriage better. You are too sick right now and need some help. You can't be a contributor in a marriage until you are be sober.

Being a drunk is to be very very lonely. But that lonlieness will never end as long as you are otherwise occupied with drinking.

ML,
Thanks for your replies, I know you are right. I'm just having a hard time in finally coming to realize that my wife doesn't really care anymore? I guess i'm really going to have to do this for myself. WOW, this is a first for ME!
I never liked AA, but I guess this is no longer about what I like.
I truly don't think this will have anyting to do with wife and I reconciling, but it sounds like the right thing to do anyway.
God Bless,
Jerry

ST, dont' be so quick to write off the marriage at this point. There is always hope. You don't love yourself very much right now, so I don't imagine that helps your marriage much.

And I know what you mean about AA; most don't like it at first. Just keep going until you learn to like it; that is the trick.

Thanks ML,
I guess what happened to me a long time ago, is I was told by my sponser that I had to tell my story like everypne else, and I had to do this and that, I JUST COULDN"T DO IT!
I'm a very private person and this just would not not fly with me.
I gave up on AA because I could not be what they wanted me to be, you can only "pass" so many times.
I gave up and focussed on my family.
It seems now, that was my udoing.
Still hoping,
Jerry

Well, your sponsor was probably trying to help you get over the classic self centeredness that we all seem to have. Believe me, I found it hard too! But telling your story is probably the most healing thing you can do, short of stopping drinking. It socializes us and makes us part of the group. We were all "private" but we have to get over than nonsense.

The reason is because we are so ashamed of ourselves that we cut ourselves off from society. Telling our story takes all the sting out of that shame when we see that folks don't burst into laughter or even worse, disgust, when we tell our story. It's hard, but the benefits are just amazing. You will feel like SUPERMAN if you do it! It will help you feel like you are on the inside instead of on the outside looking in. You are no longer "different."

Listen, you think that's bad, my sponsor made me give an open talk when I had been in for 18 months!! I thought I would die of pure fear, but it absolutely changed my life.

So, your sponsor might not tell you what you want to hear, Jerry, but that is not his job. He is supposed to help you get better. Remember, that sponsor of yours is sober.

ML, you don't understand, I CAN'T DO IT. I HAVE PANIC DISORDER. ie" this program could never work for someone like me.