ST, then just explain to your sponsor why you can't share at the meetings. That is easy enough. You can share with him privately. There is no rule that says you "have" to share, but you have to have a support system and the very best is AA.

Thanks again ML
Going to crash in bed now. Should last till at least 3am.LOL
Jerry

Jerry, what could you say at the meeting that wouldn't put you in a panic attack? You can say "I pass," right? What if you said something like "my name is Jerry, I am an A; I am here for my drinking problem and I need to mostly listen now. Thank you."

Could you say that?

HI ML
Yep, I could do that. Timing bad(always is right)as my Mother is in nursing home and hospice has only given her 2-3 days to survive.
On the other hand, If I could put down the alcohol, my doctor actually wants to put me on AD's. This could in time, also take care of panic disorder. Has possibilities.
This doc knows all as he was the one to diagnose me with an STD 3 years ago. It's how I found out.
Thanks for thinking of me.
Jerry

Jerry, I am sorry to hear about your mother. Come back and keep me posted, ok?

Good idea to go on ADs. Does the Dr know you are an alcoholic?

As far as being nervous at the meetings, just know that most people ARE nervous. I sponsored a lady once named Betty who was a wet brain and she never got over it. She just said "I am Betty and I am here to listen." Honestly, that was the best she could do! And it worked just fine. She never did talk much, but she mananged to stay sober and has been sober for 17 years now. You won't have the tough time she did, but just know that there are many much worse off than you so don't worry...

Hi ML,
Just got in from nursing home visiting my mother so my mood is a little grim. Morphine does not take away all pain. As the tears of pain rolled down her face, so also, did they roll down mine.
I;m hearing you lowd and clear about support system. As I stated before, it was always my wife and family that were the primary reason that I wanted to stay sober. Kids are grown and out of the house now, and when my wife turned me into a bs, the whole thing came tumbling down like a house of cards.
I believe now, that I 1.)became angry that my sobrierty casused my wife to look elsewhere to be with someone NORMAL.
2.)that my sobrierty was cause more havoc and heartache than my drukeness ever did.
I asked my wife why whe didn't call ME that day, instead of going out with OP for drinks. She answered "what are you crazy" you hadn't had a drink for 15 years. I WOULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU! But look instead what she did to me!!!!!
My thoughts are rambling and my emotions are high today.
Just another day in paradise....
Jerry

Jerry, how very hard it must be to watch your mother die in such pain. I will say a prayer for you and your mother.

Do you understand that the rest of what you said is all bullcrap? That is some crazy [censored] thinking, my friend! And I can relate! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

She did NOT have an affair because you quit drinking. That is BULLCRAP, TEXAS SIZE BULLCRAP . She had an affair because she wanted to have an affair. If she wanted a drink that bad, she could have had it at home or taken a girlfriend to the bar. You don't have to commit adultery to get a damn drink.

What has caused you heartache and havoc is her affair, which was HER CHOICE, something over which you had no control. Your sobriety DID NOT cause that.

You know ML, you are right about my wife making the choice to have an affair. I knew that bs wouldn't fly with you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I guess in my heart, it really doesn't with me either. I'm making the classic mistake of trying to excuse her rather than the really hard work of forgiving her.
That is why I really did try to sober up the last time. To create a safe place and a safe person she could talk to and really ENGAGE in recovery. It didn't happen,and, doesn't appear that it ever will. She has put this thing away in a box and thrown away the key. Problem is, I can't do this alone. I'm still curious as to why she is not complaining about my drinking. Either she feels this is what she deserves for what she has done, or, she is only minimally involved in our marriage and not at all concerned about true recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Got a call at 330am from nursing home. Mom's time is at hand and I'm going to be with her now. Wish I could have been the sober son she wanted to see so badly.
Jerry

Jerry, you are a good son to your mother and she is lucky to have you. I know this will be a tough day for you, so please be strong and know we are thinking about you.

As far as your wife's attitude about your drinking, it probably made her feel better because it took attention away from her. It also made you emotionally unavailable and that was a blessing to a typically detached WS. But that isn't something that can't be corrected if you stop drinking and really get sober.

I think you had an unrealistic expectation that all would be glorious if you just stopped drinking. But what really changed? You stopped drinking, but you didn't change. You were the same person, except sober.

You set an unrealistic standard so that you would be destined to fail and then would be able to say "see, it didn't work! I might as well stay drunk!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

See, it is not enough to just stop drinking, Jerry. Drinking is only the result of a living problem. And until that living problem is addressed, nothing is likely to change.

So, how about starting over but doing it right this time? Do it right by getting the support you really need and putting away the notion that you can change your wife. You can change yourself and possibly change the dynamic of your marriage, but there are no guarantees. But there *is* a guarantee that nothing will ever change if you do nothing.

ST, just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you tonight and hope you are ok. If your mother passes, I hope she goes peacefully. Check in when you can.

Hi Ml,
Thanks for your thoughts and kindness.
Yes, Mom passed away today at about 545pm EST. My grief is tremondous, but I take solace that she is in paradise, and no more harm or pain can come to her.
Can't post much tonight, I am in too much pain right now.
Thanks for your thoughts, they are consoling.
Mom had a tough struggle and it was tough to witness that for 12 hours. All of this in God's timetable, not ours.
God Bless,
Jerry

God Bless ya, Jerry. I am so very sorry. What a devastating blow to lose your mother. I'll be thinking about ya and will be here when you're ready. Take care, my friend.

Hi ML,
I'm doing Ok at best. Lots to to do with final arangements and such. Hope all is well. Just thought I would check in.
Jerry

Hi ML,
Still here and surviving. Deleted last night's post. Drunken jiberish. uggh. Spoke a little with wife today and she finally agreed booze hs to go. She didn't want to push th issue too much right now, with my mom's passing and all, but it did my heart some good to hear her say it.
It's almost lke she is saying that we are worth saving and alcohol is very much in the way. I've been waiting to hear that from her. It's a form of commitment to us and our marriage, something I've not heard in a long time.
Looking to the future and all the food for thought that you've given me. It's sometimes very hard to look the truth eyeball to eyeball and come to the conclusion that you were dead wrong from the start. Things will progress soon, I hope.
BTW, I still feel like sh** about AA but realise that because it's exactly what I need and don't want to face. There must be an easier way,HEHE. OK, toungue in cheek, of course there isn't. If there was, it wouldn't work, right?

Good job, Jerry, you are thinking the right way. Just remember, everyone is uncomfortable at first at AA because we are not very social people. Plus, we are scared to death to quit drinking and will look for any excuse to avoid putting down the drink. But some alcoholics, and I suspect you are one of them, have trouble believing their own bs after a while, hehe. The trick is to just keep going until you feel comfortable and remember that being a drunk is sure not a "comfortable" way to live.

I really liked your response to that new lady, good job.

How are things going with your Mother's funeral? Are you doing the arrangements yourself or do you have brothers and sisters to help?

Hi Ml,
Funeral and all went very well. My mom would have been very proud. I could visualize her smilling with approval. My wife very supportive and as crazy as that seems, it felt so very good to have her that way, almost a new closeness we have not felt in a very long time.
Sort of meloncolly right now. Feel like I'm on the brink of new decisions about the path I'm on and where I go from here. Alcohol, depression, WW, etc. all have to tobe dealt with in one form or another, or nothing will ever get better. I truly want all things to be better, but there really is a ton of bad advise from people with good intentions out there. Our MC was very bad experience from not one, but several therapists.
This MB site is truly an amazing source of reality and grace. I think now, I would have gone truly insane if it were not for the straight thinking people that populate this site. People like yourself and others who don't let me get away with the "crazy [censored] thinking" of a BS in the fog have litteraly saved my "crazy [censored]." My mom was a person such as this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Today is a new day and as such is a gift I do not derserve. But my obligation now , is to make the very best of it and the best of myself for those who actually love me, in spite of myself. Life goes on in spite of all of our troubles, the world will spin and the sun will rise, and we can choose to engage or checkout. Engaging is a much more realistic choice for me.
God bless
Jerry

Morning ST, I am glad the funeral was nice. I think it means so much to be able to send them off in a satisfactory way. It doesn't compensate for the grief, but it's nice to have a good funeral.

Have you decided which meetings you are going to attend? And when you will start? I am just bringing this up because we alcoholics are notorious for talking about solving a problem and then never following through. I can sure relate to that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have been thinking about ways to reach your wife outside of the most important first step and was wondering if you have read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley? Have y'all taken the emotional needs questionaires? Why do you think she really had the affair?

Hi ST,

I am so sorry to read of your loss. It's hard to lose your mom.

I'm sorry.

Hi Ml,
All is well and I sort of feel at peace today. Yes things went very well a funeral.
You asked about which meetings I would be attending. I thought this MB site had a lot of acronyms. When's the last time you glanced through an AA meeting schedule book? Whew! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm looking for a meeting where I can just sit and listen but am not sure what that type of meeting that is called. These abbrieviations are killing me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
You also asked a question that has been echoing in my head for 3 years: "Why do think your wife had the affair?" I can give you the very convoluted and sterile answer she gave me to this; alcohol, marrijuana, zoloft, loss of impulse control, MLC, menopause, wrong time and place,(want me to stop yet?). Who knows? I sure don't and as long as she's adamant about not wanting to know herself, my hands are tied behind my back. She has compartmentise the whole thing and does not want to discuss it. Her greatest joy wass me agreeing to end MC, even before it produced any fruits. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I guess the whole thing now is two serperate issues; my love for alcohol and my love for her. Although I'm keen enough at this point to know they are somehow related. Feel sometimes like I'm fighting two different battles at the same time, but, all the same war!(does that make sense?) Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement.
Jerry

Weaver,
Thanks so much for your condolences. They are very much welcolm and I appreciate it more than you can know.
God Bless,
Jerry