Whoops,
BTW, just to clarify my wife's postion, within the first two minutes of are first MC session, my wife decalared to both MC's that she wanted to make perfectly clear that "she did not have an affair!" This, while I sit opposite her with an STD. Does that give you some idea of what I'm up against?
Jerry

Jerry,

I can't imagine having to deal with the loss of a mother when you are dealing with infidelity. It is almost impossible to comprehend that this could happen at this time, of all times.

I really feel for you.

Hang in there, you are going to get through this just fine. You've got one of the wisest of the wise in Mel, helping you.

Just hang on.

It's typical. Call it the fog. If you had caught her in bed, doing the deed she would tell you it was all in your head. Sad but true.

Jerry, the kind of meeting you want to go to is called a CLOSED MEETING, where they do talk. And when you do go, just say what we discussed earlier. Ask them to assign you a sponsor, ok? Let that guy tell you which meetings to go to. But make sure to find someone who has been sober for LOTS of years, ok?

I am concerned that y'all have never identified the cause of the affair and done anything to resolve those issues. But, first things first. Addressing that can come later.

Hi Ml,
I' sorry but I'm a little confused. Doesn't a closed meeting mean it's closed to everyone except those who are in serious 12 step meetings? Wouldn't I be looking for an open meeting? I'm sorry to be so dumb about this. I'm probably a real idiot to you and your vast knowledge about these matters and I'm sorry to be that way. I can't believe I stayed sober for 16 years and had so little knowledge about what to do and how to do it. How did that happen? I guess I always felt that if it wasn't broken, don't try to fix it. Does that make any sense?
I am concerned that y'all have never identified the cause of the affair and done anything to resolve those issues Year, you and me both!!!!!
Truly, that's exactly my problem, and in reality, it's more approriately my wife's problem. But to this day she adamantly refuses to deal with that. Of course, that leaves me nowhere. Once again, two different battles, same war...
I guess I'm thinking once again, If I sober up I can win the war, but I am truly afraid that it is once again, faulty thinking. If I don't learn to do this for me, there may never again be a ME. Still now, I have a meeting schedule in my back pocket. I must learn that it truly belongs to me and not her, correct?
Blessings,
Jerry

ST, a closed meeting means closed to NON-alcoholics. You are welcome at all closed meetings, though. THAT is what you should be going to and where you will get the most help. Open meetings are nice, but won't be the foundation of your recovery. I would suggest picking one specific meeting as your designated home group, where you sign up, tell them your last drink date so they can give you a chip on your anniversaries.

See, I think that once you get to working on your drinking problem, you can start focusing on your marriage problem. And yes, this is her problem, but there is alot you can do in learning to effectively meet her needs. But that is later down the road.

Thanks ML,
I feel like a babe in the woods and and having some very real axniety problems about this, but I'm sure I can work myself through this if this will truly work for me. My biggest fear is the fear of failing again. I'm not sure I can pick myself up and dust off anymore. One can only do that so many times before you throw in the towel.
I have a cousin who, like you, does the open speaking circuit for AA. He literally travels all over the world doing this. He is currently in Bosnia or someplace and will not be home too very soon. The whole thing baffles me, but I'm pretty weak brained at this point anyhow.
So go to a meeting, seek out whose in charge and tell them I need a sponser right away. Is that right? I still feel very confused as to how this all works.
Jerry

Jerry, or you could just call the AA # in the book and ask them to assign you a temporary sponsor. He can call you and meet you at the meeting and introduce you. That might be a more comfortable way for you to go.

Tell him before hand that you have panic attacks and for now you can only say the script that we discussed.

You can pick another sponsor later if you want.

Should I just go to an open meeting?

NO

The purpose of a closed meeting is to work on your recovery and listen to how others applied the steps to their own recovery. You will hear a variety of approaches to each step and that is what you need to hear. Those meetings will be the foundation of your recovery that will lead to sobriety.

Open meetings are certainly helpful and can be entertaining, but they are sanitized for general consumption. You don't need that now.

I'm sorry ML,
I don't understand. I must be completely stupid whhen it comes to this. What # am I supposed to call? I'm sorry to be such a burden.
Jerry

Jerry, isn't there an AA # in your phone book? Most every town has a # published in the book that you can call. It is usually an answering service that has a list of AA people who are on call. I just looked in my phone book and there are 4 different #s in our business pages [not yellow pages] under Alcoholics Anonymous. Sorry I didn't explain better!

Yes there are # in the phone book. I also have the entire state meeting schedule in book for from the last detox I did in September. I'm just confused as to what type of meeting I should be looking for right now as opposed to where those meetings are? Should I be calling someone first before just going to meeting on mu own? Sorry to be such an idiot.
Jerry

Call the # and ask them to have a male alcoholic call you. Tell him you want help for your drinking and would apprecite it if he could direct you to some good closed meetings and perhaps meet you at one. Let him help get you started. I think it might be easier for you that way.

You don't HAVE to call someone, but I think it might make things easier for you. Otherwise, look for CLOSED meetings and go to those. You are welcome at any closed meeting.

Ml,
What does "closed meeting" mean? Should I not be there?

"Closed" means closed to NON-alcoholics. ONLY alcholics can attend a closed meeting because we don't want normals gawking at us or learning our super secret handshake. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Here is what happens at most closed meetings. Of course, there may be variations depending on what part of the country you are in:

The meeting is opened by the chairman with the serenity prayer and he may read "How it Works" from the Big Book. He then makes any announcements. The folks separate into smaller groups of 8-12. Each table then chooses a step to work on.[or this may be predetermined] Someone reads the step. They then go around the table and each person says what they want about that step and how they applied it. Since you are just learning the steps and are new, you can simply say, "my name is Jerry and I am an A, I am new and am here to listen as much as I can. Thank you."

Oh i know what you mean now,
I've tried to do that but that is one of the exact reasons why I left AA. Sorry to sound like such an imbecile, but i can't do that. I would rather suffer in silence than to do what you just mentioned. I guess people like m are just weird.
Jerry

Jerry, you can't go there and just tell them you are there to listen?