Oh CRUD.

Try two_long@hotmail.com (that holds for anybody who wants 2 chime in), and I'll take a gander and see if there's anything I can do 2 fix it.

-ol' 2long

How 'bout this, instead of a draught NC letter:

Mrs 2long:

You're never going 2 change if you don't think you need 2 change. I need 2 change my life before I'm 2old 2 enjoy what's left of it.

Bye.

-ol' 2long


Well, not really, but something like that.

WAT:

"Plan D and Plan B simultaneously. You've had it. Plan D is needed to set the stage for Plan B in your whacked out State."

Is it? I really don't know.

-ol' 2long

You're in the land of fruits and nuts, right?

No legal separation without filing for divorce.

You can't do Plan B without being physically separated.

You don't want to be physically separated without legal protection.

Therefore, you need to file for divorce to do Plan B.

I think.

WAT

Actually, here in the land of fruits and nuts, there IS legal separation. It is the same process as D but a different box to check off when filing. It will protect him financially from the day he files. I started with a legal sep. and changed it to D when I discovered my H's 3rd A. The attorney told me it is easy to file D here after you are legally sep.

Very sorry to hear about this.

I think you said it best:

I need 2 change my life before I'm 2old 2 enjoy what's left of it.


D

Hi Jen:

"I am a little confused though, even after having read nearly all of this thread. Help me out - you found messages she wrote to him on the computer, which she later deleted. You burned your CA membership. You directly asked her about the messages and she brushed them off, saying it was necessary contact for work and nothing more."

No, she didn't brush them off, and no, they weren't necessary at all. She just can't let go. She admitted that.

"I for one don't think she would "get" what plan B is, considering how little respect she has for MB in general. Things wouldn't change if you went to plan B in my opinion. Wait...didn't you sort of already try plan B for a short time at one point? Refresh my memory, how did that go?"

Did it a 2ple of times. It wasn't plan B either time. First time, I fell apart, I was that fused. 2nd time, I tried keeping communication channels open while keeping a distance so I could feel a little more at ease. First time was a week. 2nd time was 2 weeks, and I came home because she promised "NC for now", and Penny and I thought that was something I could work with.

"My question for you is this: Do you think you can imagine living your life without her?"

Yes, and I get chills of joy or relief at the prospect.

"Is there a way to divide your assets evenly and manage to live separately, even though the house renovations/restorations continue?"

I could probably do that and still be in the same house for a short time. Live separately and work on the house, that is. 2 split our assetts, we'd have 2 sell the house and put my DD and her new H (who's under our sponsorship from the UK 2 get his citizenship) out of the apartment (on the same lot).

"Is divorcing her something you really think you could do?"

Yes, rather than keep going like this for any longer.

"I want you to be happy and be free from the heartache she causes with her continued contact with RM, with her lack of intimacy. However, I wonder if being on your own without her truly something you want? (If you've stayed with her this long, through this much.....)"

After all this crap, I look forward 2 recovery on my own if she doesn't agree 2 NC right now.

-ol' 2long

2long said:
*she's been trying "to find out" if she can work with him on a professional level (but she said she missed him and wanted a fu2re with him in the email, which I pointed out).

I would take this (but she said she missed him and wanted a fu2re with him) as the truth. She said it when you weren't around, and she didn' think you would ever see it.

If she wants a future with him, why do you want a future with her?
I'm not trying to be funny, or sarcastic, or cute. I believe she meant what she said, or she would not have said it.

If it was the truth, why would you want to stay with her?

Also, why would you not believe it was the truth? Why else would she say it? I can't think of any other reason at all.


Has she expressed sorrow for what she has done to your feelings and your trust? I don't mean a few words easily said, I mean by sustained actions demonstrating that she wants to make it up to you?

Have her actions the last 40 months showed she was sorry for your pain, and that she wanted to make it right?

Has she gone out of her way to have no contact or has she SAID SHE WOULD KEEP NC, BUT BROKEN IT,?

Has she sought counseling to find out what went wrong, and to try to fix it?

Is she open and honest about her feelings on a month to month basis?

Does she consult with you about decisions and seek your input and approval before she goes ahead with things?

To sum it up, is she being proactive to save your marriage?

I sent mail to Q account a few days ago, got same return message as Pep.

SS

SS:

"I would take this (but she said she missed him and wanted a fu2re with him) as the truth. She said it when you weren't around, and she didn' think you would ever see it."

Good point. I need 2 remember 2 keep my wishful thinking in check, even when I think I'm not being wishful with it.

"If she wants a future with him, why do you want a future with her?"

I really don't.

"I'm not trying to be funny, or sarcastic, or cute. I believe she meant what she said, or she would not have said it."

I respect that, and I told her that I accept that this is who she is, though I don't like it at all.

"If it was the truth, why would you want to stay with her?"

Once again, I don't.

"Has she expressed sorrow for what she has done to your feelings and your trust?"

Nope. Just frustration and resentment for things she believes were failures on my part. Blame shifter.

"I don't mean a few words easily said, I mean by sustained actions demonstrating that she wants to make it up to you?"

Odd. I believe she's trying 2 half-assedly make it up 2 me. Why stay if she wants 2 bolt? Why be "nice" if she doesn't think it'll appease me? Sadly it isn't sufficient.

"Have her actions the last 40 months showed she was sorry for your pain, and that she wanted to make it right?"

No.

"Has she gone out of her way to have no contact or has she SAID SHE WOULD KEEP NC, BUT BROKEN IT,?"

Said she would do it in april 2004, "for a while", and then broke it without informing me she was planning 2.

"Has she sought counseling to find out what went wrong, and to try to fix it?"

Well, she did seek counseling for a while at the same time I was working with Penny. But when we talked about it this morning, it seems the only things she can remember and was willing 2 relay 2 me are comments like "he can't control you" and some stuff that sounded like the Goldie Hawn quotes above about the s2pid birdcage.

"Is she open and honest about her feelings on a month to month basis?"

Not at all.

"Does she consult with you about decisions and seek your input and approval before she goes ahead with things?"

So long as they don't involve RM, yes.

"To sum it up, is she being proactive to save your marriage?"

No.

"I sent mail to Q account a few days ago, got same return message as Pep."

I don't get it. I just sent an email from my hotmail account and got it right away. and sent one 2 the hotmail account and got it right away at hotmail.

You got my work address still, Still? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

2long,
Wisdom is not a noun or and adjective; it’s a process but a process that becomes useless unless acted upon. And we all know that being right and doing right are two completely different propositions but really 2long, has the course of your travels thus far taught you nothing? “It” will happen eventually you know? Why wait till all the love is gone? Why wait until all that’s left is anger and recrimination.

My friend, “she” is wrong but in my humble opinion, (at this point), no more so then you. And while the ways you are wronging each other are different, the damage you each are doing each doing, is no less. While her sins are more steeped in ignorance and cruelty, yours may still, just be worse. You know what the right course of action is, yet are failing to live up to your own responsibility to yourself. Some one needs to step up here and do the right thing.

With great affection.
Coach

coach:

beats the white off my @$$ what that means. I'm being cruel?

Frankly, she isn't being all THAT cruel anymore, or at least I'm not feeling like such a victim anymore.

I'll end this because our relationship was complete (or finished), and because I want her 2 have the chance 2 find happiness elsewhere if she thinks she needs 2, not because I hate her.

...and I will do it sooner rather than later, so I WON'T hate her later.

-ol' 2long

2long,

Everything about you screams of class. You are so unique in who you are. You are a genius and scientist, and yet you are down to earth, humble, funny, caring, romantic and the lists go on and on.

You are well loved by everyone on this board, and I would imagine in your real life as well.

It saddens me that your wife might lose you over a pipe dream. WS's who don't wake up and lose their spouse, are the saddest of the sad in my opinion.

Several people on this thread have said in different words perhaps, that to love someone means to do what needs to be done.

I am sad that it has come to this point, but glad that it has as well.

Could be a new beginning resulting from a death of sorts, but a death that needs to come about, so that there can be a rebirth, for both of you.

Sending cyber support your way.

Okay, troops. I can't figure out why those emails aren't working, so here's a brand, spanking new yahoo adress you can find me at!

twolongqfwfq@yahoo.com

love 2 hear from youze

-2long

2l,

(but she said she missed him and wanted a fu2re with him in the email, which I pointed out).

Do you understand why this is? Did she elaborate? Doesn't she wonder why you would want to stay married to her if she feels this way?

CSue:

She didn't respond 2 me pointing that out.


I hate it when I feel s2pid.

-ol' 2long

Me too! Trouble is, I feel that way most of the time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Nope not stupd.

Shock is what it was/is.

Gee whiz Weaver, if you feel stupid, where does that leave the rest of us?

SS

We're hosed, SS. HOSED! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

That's all I got for you SS! LOL