She called, asking me 2 get some rolls and $h!+ for dinner on my way out.

...she called earlier, asking about something she didn't need 2 call me about re the van we're wholesaling, 2.

She's nice.

ol' 2long's resolved. Gonna be some more radical honesty 2night.

A representative from the CASC called and asked if I wanted a replacement card. I said NO WAY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />



-ol' 2long

You know I love you more than I love my luggage, right?

Toasting your admirable, lovely humanity right now 2long. You have grace others aspire to.

- Kimmy

At the risk of posting a huge post, here is my old collection of NC letters from waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back!

Sample NO CONTACT letters
Dr. Harley’s (From SAA)
(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she’s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

The rest are from the forums. Thanks to their authors and apologies for not identifying the authors, as I did not record them when I compiled them.
To:
I have behaved in a selfish and inconsiderate way that has resulted in much pain to both of our families. I know that marital reconciliation with my husband is the right thing to do, but will never fully repay the heartache I have caused. I deeply care about him and want things to work out so we can have a family and realize all of our dreams together. To protect him, I have decided and been required to break off all contact with you. All things considered, I think it is best that our families break off all contact as well. This decision, this promise to not ever contact you in any way, direct or indirect, is for life. I am so sorry for what I have done to my and your family. I ask that you respect my promise and never seek to contact me. I will refuse any such attempts to contact me and notify Eric immediately.
I am trying to do the right thing and set my family and my life straight. I have been completely honest with my husband about everything. He knows everything. The selfish and inconsiderate damage that I have caused can never be fully repaired but breaking off all contact is the first step towards a rebuilding of trust. I hope that in time you can forgive me.
Sincerely,
To:

I am sending this letter to confirm for you that I have reconciled with my wife.

To protect her, I have decided to break off all non-professional contact with you. This decision - not to contact you or interact with you in any way other than as required to maintain a polite professional relationship - is permanent and not subject to change. I ask that you respect my decision, and never seek to contact me, or interact with me other than as required to maintain a polite professional relationship. I will refuse all efforts to initiate other than professional contact with me, and I will notify Msjpw immediately of any contact between us, as I have been doing after each and every communication you have made thus far, and I will continue to alert her to any effort made to initiate additional interaction. I have been completely honest with Msjpw about everything that has transpired. This is essential to rebuild a trusting relationship between Msjpw and I, and I have committed myself to doing so.

I hope that this letter makes clear my position.


<OM>,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for <BS> and <D>, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that <BS> did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay <BS> for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me or my family. <BS> is going to know everything. I will tell him if you contact me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
<WS>
9-11-00
Dear OW,
I am writing this letter for one reason only. All communication between you and me must come to an end immediately! If C and I are ever going to resolve our differences and re-establish the trust we once had, you and I cannot communicate with each other at all.
I realize now that I never should have considered trying to find Starlight products for you or even considered selling you my Miata.
It certainly isn't anything personal, but I'm sure that you can understand C's position on the issue and if you were in her shoes that you would feel exactly the same as she does.
I love her and she deserves a 100% effort from me to make our lives together as happy as possible.
I wish you well, and I will appreciate your cooperation in this matter.
Sincerely,
H

2long,
I said nothing about you being cruel, only of you now having equal culpability in the who is doing the most wrong to who list.

I account her sins to be crueler because infidelity is in my estimation, a hostile and premeditated act of aggression. Your sin on the other hand I see as more in the passive aggressive mode. Each however, is toxic in its own way.

In that you seem to have taken so much more time and expended so much more effort in learning how to behave in this particular arena, I attribute the concept of responsibility (for the current state of affairs) more to you then her. And if you think my opinion is rash or unfair, then go back and read 3 years plus years of your own posts and then tell me that the current situation comes as a surprise to you.

But honestly 2long, this isn’t about fault. It’s about reality and facing up to that reality and dealing with it no matter how unpalatable it may be to do so. And about me hoping you will do so, so that you can go on to have the kind of life you deserve; and to h#ll with her!

I make no bones about it! I have no sympathy for your WW and really wish that you would stop being so damn civil about the whole thing. Even now, you have to couch the potential disillusion of your marriage in altruistic terms; you letting her go so she might find greater happiness else were! The very idea!

The person who deserves to find happiness here is you! You are not the cheater and the lire! And I just wish you would begin to be your own advocate. And that’s my last word.
coach

Hey 2Long,

I just wanted to write that say that I'm following your situation. I have no advice.

We ought to start the HOBWA (Husbands Of Blind Wives Association). HOBWA members are to be generally great guys who are married to women who don't realize what a great H they have.

OK, reality is : whoever we are, they don't much like us, and they don't mind hurting us. It's hard to be a good guy in the face of that.

You, at least, are an empty-nester, and your w is less dependent. Those factors make your choice easier. OK, I have no right to say who has an easier choice. You've put a huge chunk of your life into this marriage. I can only imagine how hard it is to let go.

Now I'm back to saying ... "just wanted to say I'm reading and watching".

-AD (and I'm still not here, but if you go over and post on my thread I won't mind). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, SC, for posting those letters. I'm just about ready 2 talk about them with her, but not quite. It's not the right first step. ...but, understandably, I WILL NOT accept a professional relationship either, as in the one example letter. This isn't 2 limit the already-narrow field of people she can work with (though even that is "just 2 bad"), it's BECAUSE it's a narrow field where people are working alone 2gether away from "parental supervision" for extended periods of time. The chances of an A reigniting in such a sitch is just 2 great. And, I'm 52 and will not take any chance that it might. Never again.

Thinking about the convo yes2rday morning, my W seems 2 be almost proud that she is "glad" that RM has a new GF, because that means (2 her) that I should be okay with her "experiments" 2 see if she can work with him again. For rice cake, she essentially intends 2 take this job that her friend is vacating (her H got a faculty job back east, where they both are from), AND hire RM 2 consult - doing the same work for her that he 2k forever 2 complete (and never did) when she was working at the job where the A restarted in 2000. SAME CONTRACT, even, different company. Nothing could be more absurd!

But I have 2 accept that this is where her head is at right now, and I can only make decisions for myself anyway. But please, people, do understand that I won't let my former CASC membership keep her in the dark about these decisions. Everything is going 2 be on the table for me from here on out.

My W clearly does believe that being nice 2 me will keep me around. It almost does (and clearly has for far longer than it perhaps should have), but not quite.

My W isn't ready for MC. I mulled over whether 2 try 2 talk about our relationship last evening, but she wasn't feeling well and fell asleep really early. She was feeling chills, and asked me a few times 2 hold her, so I did. She woke up during the night with nightmares and sniffling, and we snuggled and held hands some more.

By this morning I had been thinking a lot about the things we've all talked about here, and about concepts like "emotional unavailability" that SC found so aptly described his xW's insurmountable problem, and decided that we both needed a break from R-talk, but mostly I needed 2 come up with a better plan of what 2 do next.

In thinking a lot more about the feedback I've gotten since Sunday, including the suggestions that a lot more may be going on than I am willing 2 accept, I'm thinking that my approach needs 2 be more along the lines of the article, "How 2 divorce as friends" (SC, I can't find that on the resources page anymore. Is it gone?), and the concepts of radical forgiveness and unconditional love, not by applying a cookbook method designed 2 save "young marriages" from "typical" cases of infidelity.

Sorry folks, but you "MB greats" don't understand me in that regard.

I definitely do want this garbage 2 be behind me, once and for all. No question about it. But I think it would make more sense 2 negotiate what my W herself says she wants - us 2 be friends - while finishing our house and keeping our family as intact as it can be under these idiotic circumstances. That does NOT mean I'll "protect" her dirty little secret. I won't. If Penny, for example, recommends more exposure, particularly on RM's end (difficult, because I don't know who his new girlfriend is, and he's self-unemployed now that he got the boot from his previous job). I don't know his siblings or his parents, but they live just a half hour away from us, so that might be a good starting point if exposure is called for.

But I doubt that it will do any good, and I recognize my interest in it is based in very large part on my desire 2 smash the rat [censored] in any way I can - and that's not "godly" 2 want 2 do. But our son needs 2 know, and my W's friend - who after all is the friend that didn't believe the "rumor" that they were having an A (and was "allowed" 2 continue 2 believe that by my W), and is now considering a proposal from RM 2 do more of the same work with my W, if she takes the job - well, obviously she needs 2 know (my W thinks she's 2 much of a gossip, and would tell others... ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ). And of course our DD needs 2 know that the affair never really ended, if she doesn't already know that.

Anyway. My W may not be able 2 recommit 2 our marriage like I need her 2. And I can't make her. I can only show her how I want 2 live my live, then live it.

And that, I intend 2 do.

-ol' 2long

2LONG:

I've been with my H since I was 18, when he became my college BF. That's 32 years. When he had his A and left me, he said he wanted to remain friends. I just wanted to share that I didn't want to be his friend. I AM HIS WIFE. HE IS MY HUSBAND. I told him that if we were no longer married that I wouldn't be his friend. A friend does not treat someone that badly, abandoning me after I had been with him most of my life... My plan was to find OTHER FRIENDS. He would always remain MY HUSBAND or my FORMER HUSBAND.

I haven't ever been able to understand that parting as friends concept.....

Okay.

My W isn't seeing RM like your H was his OW.

Now, mind you I understand that an A is an A, but it is also true that I have more oppor2nities at communicating with my W under the current circumstances than I would have if she left.

If she left 2 "find herself", I would find myself new "friends" as well. If she left 2 go live with RM 2 "find out if that'd work", I'd find new friends and new romantic relationship(s).

Your point is well taken, though. I haven't pitched the "divorce as friends" concept 2 her yet. I will revise that and reiterate (because I have said it before) that I won't ever be able 2 be close 2 her again if we break up because she continued 2 be unfaithful and dishonest with me.

-ol' 2long

2long: “...W seems 2 be almost proud that she is glad that RM has a new GF, because that means (2 her) that I should be okay with her experiments 2 see if she can work with him again.”

A: WTF? Was she also OK with him having a W back in the first place? Is this some sort of power thing screwing around with his relationships?

2long: “...AND hire RM 2 consult - doing the same work for her that he 2k forever 2 complete (and never did) when she was working at the job where the A restarted in 2000. SAME CONTRACT, even, different company. Nothing could be more absurd!”

A: It’s a smoke screen. Really. I can never ever see through my W’s smoke screens but I sure as heck see this one. Must be my panoramic view of everyone else's situation, huh.

2long: “My W clearly does believe that being nice 2 me will keep me around. It almost does (and clearly has for far longer than it perhaps should have), but not quite.“

A: Gad, 2long, I could have written that. All she has to do is be nice once in a while and I roll over on my back and wiggle my tail. WTMWM.

2long: “...not by applying a cookbook method designed 2 save "young marriages" from "typical" cases of infidelity. Sorry folks, but you "MB greats" don't understand me in that regard.”

A: We certainly have talked a lot about this before, you and I. WSs in an LTA that never leave the M are not typical MB type WSs. They are not really serial philanders nor are they simple remorseful flings. They are not SA issues. They are not soul mate A’s nor are they sad love stories never meant to be. They are something completely different. The M was meeting their ENs or they would not have stayed so long. The OP is something totally on the side feeding a well-integrated personal anomaly of some kind. And after it has been fed for so many, many years this anomaly is not going to be fixed or eliminated any time soon. Usually not in the remaining life spans of the BSs. So what to do about the mess becomes both clear-cut and extremely complicated and difficult at the same time.

2long: "But I think it would make more sense 2 negotiate what my W herself says she wants - us 2 be friends - while finishing our house and keeping our family as intact as it can be under these idiotic circumstances."

A: Awww, you re-upped your CA membership after all. Dang. Yesterday you were my hero.

2long: “I don't know his siblings or his parents, but they live just a half hour away from us, so that might be a good starting point if exposure is called for.“

A: Call your lawyer friend in his state. Start the AOA ball rolling. You swore you were going to, remember.

2long: “My W may not be able 2 recommit 2 our marriage like I need her 2. And I can't make her. I can only show her how I want 2 live my live, then live it.”

A: Sounds good. But that’s what you and I have been doing for 40 and 15 months each. Where has it gotten either of us?


Err, Sorry. I said I would watch and learn from the peanut gallery. And here I am posting all over the place. Back to rooting and praying for you, 2long.

Forgive me if I'm way off base, then, 2long -- but it seems to me from this and your earlier posts that you are a little vain about being "different," "special," "hard to understand."

Which you may be. Certainly, it's hard for many of us to understand why you would tolerate this situation for years. For many of us, it's our worst nightmare. Maybe you are on a higher level than we are -- on the other hand, maybe you just aren't facing the music.

If you wanted to do a radical 180 on WW, maybe you'd have her stuff on the street in garbage bags NOW, instead of holding her in your arms and reassuring her, and postponing hard decisions.

I'm not trying to be sarcastic, 2long -- but for those of us reading these posts, they do sound like complicated, elaborate rationalizations for doing nothing.

I go back to my earlier post. Maybe you should really accept that your sitch is different -- that you are willing to tolerate this situation, that you prefer it to facing the prospect of divorce. Many will disagree with it -- but it is in fact what you have been doing for four years. Despite your protestations, I have a feeling that that is the direction you are going now. Over the centuries, when divorce wasn't an option, many many people have handled the situation as you have. You could argue that it is the better, more noble way. And it HAS kept your marriage together -- when many of us have Plan B'ed our way to divorce.

Few of us nowadays would have the patience to do what you're doing -- or the desire. What bugs me is that your posts always nurture the imagination that things are on the verge of changing...and they never do. Not really. You point to many small incremental changes in her thinking, behavior, etc. -- but RM is still in the picture. Although she may be priding herself on accepting his GF, she's asking for sex in her emails.

2 LONG:

You said:



I didn't understand your point here? Does "communicating" mean that she will be listening? Do you mean that you will miss the enjoyment/pasttime of "communicating" with her? Are you speaking of your need for CONVERSATION?

You said:



Why wouldn't you find new friends and new relationships regardless of the reason that she left you? Don't you have a need for ALL that's involved in a loving relationship with a WOMAN? Don't you deserve a banquet rather than crumbs?

You said:


I agree with this thinking. That's how I think I would feel if my H is unfaithful with me again with his FOW. He knows that for sure! I was able to let him know in WORDS and ACTION!

Aphelion:

"Was she also OK with him having a W back in the first place? Is this some sort of power thing screwing around with his relationships?"

She takes NO responsibility for breaking up their marriage. Believe it or not. That happened as a result of HIS choices, not hers. ...of course, SHE was his "choice", so she was involved and played a key role in the destruction of his family. I will NOT let her off the hook for that.

"2long: “...AND hire RM 2 consult - doing the same work for her that he 2k forever 2 complete (and never did) when she was working at the job where the A restarted in 2000. SAME CONTRACT, even, different company. Nothing could be more absurd!”

A: It’s a smoke screen. Really. I can never ever see through my W’s smoke screens but I sure as heck see this one. Must be my panoramic view of everyone else's situation, huh."

Indeed. But I know this is a smokescreen. She's fooling herself even. I can tell that she believes this nonsense.

"All she has to do is be nice once in a while and I roll over on my back and wiggle my tail. WTMWM."

This would be funny if... ...if it was funny. I understand.

"A: We certainly have talked a lot about this before, you and I. WSs in an LTA that never leave the M are not typical MB type WSs. They are not really serial philanders nor are they simple remorseful flings. They are not SA issues. They are not soul mate A’s nor are they sad love stories never meant to be. They are something completely different. The M was meeting their ENs or they would not have stayed so long. The OP is something totally on the side feeding a well-integrated personal anomaly of some kind. And after it has been fed for so many, many years this anomaly is not going to be fixed or eliminated any time soon. Usually not in the remaining life spans of the BSs. So what to do about the mess becomes both clear-cut and extremely complicated and difficult at the same time."

Very eloquently stated! Remember DLee's thread? (of course you do). I am still sad that cerri never followed through on her thoughts about working through the pain, particularly in dealing with LTA's like our spousal units'. I equate that with the way David Schnarch describes working through emotional pain in marriage rather than trying 2 circumnavigate it (though he certainly isn't the only one that said that). Cerri certainly told me about people she's known dealing with their partner's A in very unconventional ways - and successfully. I would hope she would elaborate if she felt she could. I shouldn't.

"Awww, you re-upped your CA membership after all. Dang. Yesterday you were my hero."

Don't de-pedestalize me just yet! Between work issues, I'm composing a "love letter" 2 my W, that includes "get rid of RM". It will go before I go home. I sent something else earlier that she replied 2, so I know she's checking her email (and I will assume she may even be emailing RM about our discussion yes2rday. Doesn't matter one way or the other, but I am going 2 take responsibility for making my boundaries in that area very, very clear... ...again).

"2long: “I don't know his siblings or his parents, but they live just a half hour away from us, so that might be a good starting point if exposure is called for.“

A: Call your lawyer friend in his state. Start the AOA ball rolling. You swore you were going to, remember."

Yes, I did. I was waiting a reply from cerri about that. She made some indication that it might be called for.

"2long: “My W may not be able 2 recommit 2 our marriage like I need her 2. And I can't make her. I can only show her how I want 2 live my live, then live it.”

A: Sounds good. But that’s what you and I have been doing for 40 and 15 months each. Where has it gotten either of us?"

The CASC card is in ruins now, remember? I intend it 2 stay that way.

"Err, Sorry. I said I would watch and learn from the peanut gallery. And here I am posting all over the place. Back to rooting and praying for you, 2long."

Don't you DARE stop posting! I will hold you just as responsible for your stuckidity as I want you 2 hold me for mine, okay?

-ol' 2long

When RM was married that didn't stop the A. His having a girlfriend may just be an exciting challenge for her to see if she/they can still have him/each other on the side. She could be experiencing some serious jealousy and trying to bury it...but then it disturbs her sleep thus the drawing closer to you her steadfast protector...her security blanket.

When my H asked if we could be friends if we D'd I answered the same way as Mimi. I let him know that I would move on and have only the contact with him as necessary, having to do with our kids lives. That would be especially true if he was with an A partner that contributed to the D. I wouldn't consider him a friend after having followed through with the worst sort of betrayals. 'Friends' don't treat each other that way. 'Friends' just helps relieve their guilt and feeds their -can't we all just get along- crap. Another form of having cake...

Your W wants it all. She wants it her way. You know that all her talk of continuing her education in the university closest to him was part of her plan to have more contact with RM. Any other belief is denial.

I know it is hard to separate your lives after having spent so long together. I didn't revel the idea. You are probably worth lots more together than apart. Your future would be more secure together than the unknown about starting anew. You will need to look at all the exciting new prospects for your self instead of any dwelling on the negatives.

I do believe that if you set firm bounderies that will be your best chance to save your marriage and get real change in your relationship. No wishy washy wavering and over sympathizing with her plite.

2Long,

So you are 52. What's up with that? You're never too old to find someone who can love you like you deserve. And friend, you deserve so much more than you have right now. Breaks my heart to see you hurt like this over and over and over again.

I hear you saying you don't want to Plan B cuz your wife will just walk away and the marriage will be over. Plan B won't have the desired effect. Perhaps this is so. Then that only leaves you with the choice of living with the pain or leaving your wife and prepare for a new life without her, finding someone who doesn't have this anamoly.

I wish you the best whichever you choose.

Oh, and please tear up that CA membership renewal card. It was so good to see you talk through strength. Looks good on you (even at 52!).

~ Snow

2long my friend,
You are living proof that there are hard parts to life.

I have been thinking about the things you have said. I think your friends here want to put you out of your misery, and they write to you in that direction.

I don't think exposure would do any more good where RM is involved. It looks like he is not interested, but it looks like your W is the one that is doing all the communicating - or attempted communicating.

I would agree that there needs to be a line drawn. However, you know that if you draw a line, and it is crossed, things are over - or you will never get her to believe in lines again.

I wonder why she would keep NC this time, when she was not willing to keep it before. If she is will do NC, and if she will throw open her life to you, and begin to talk about everything, and go out of her way to make amends, then perhaps you could recover.

However, if she continues to claim her life is her own, and she can do what she wants because it is none of your business I don't believe you will ever get anywhere with her.

My personal belief is that someone that has betrayed trust as she has done needs to show a contrite heart, and a meekness of sprit as they try to make things right. As someone (or many) here has said "When you had sex with OP, you gave up the right to ever have a friendship or relationship with them of any kind and still stay with me." If she continues to DESIRE a relationship - no matter what kind she claims it will be, she is not putting your marriage relationship first, and she is not putting your feelings first.

Boundaries -
One of the things you and I have discussed over time has been the setting of boundaries.

Once you expressed the thought that some types of boundaries seemed like manipulation.

" I want to continue to see OM."

" If you do, I won't stay with you, but if you are willing to quit seeing OM, and work on the marriage with all your heart, come talk to me, other wise, I won't be talking to you any longer."

If you boil down plan B to it's simplest form, this is how I see it.

I think you could say it another way -

" I am going to smack you in the head with a stick every time I see you."

"I am going to remove myself, so you can't continue to smack me, but if you are willing to give it
up, contact me, and we can talk about getting back together. "

To me, a boundary is telling someone else that they are not free to damage you any longer. It is not punishment to them, but freedom for you.

I think you have at some times seen boundaries as an offensive weapon - used to hurt someone else that you loved, and wanted to help. My belief is that boundaries are a defensive tool, used to preserve yourself from harm.

We can't always protect everyone we love from the consequences of their bad choices. Setting a boundary doesn't mean you are angry, or that you don't love her, or that you want to harm her, it means that you are not willing to suffer further damage so that she can have what SHE wants.

I know you want to do something about this. I do suggest you contact SH, or your coach to confirm your plan. I think you will feel better about what you do (Whatever that is) if you have one of these two help you formulate it.

Please don't think ill of your friends here for their advice. They want the wounding to cease, and the healing to be complete. Remember they love you, and want to help.

SS

Points all well taken.

I guess my point here, with not wanting 2 do a plan B at this time, is that the pain simply isn't all that intense.

It's more irony at the sheer s2pidity and waste of it all than hurt or anger. I hurt for her and her self-imposed predicament, but I'm ac2ally having a good day 2day.

And, if I can find a way 2 put an end 2 the contact, get her 2 open up 2 me (and I 2 her), without disrupting our kid's lives, then that's the way I'm going 2 do it.

If I fail 2 achieve my objective, you can all tell me "I told you so" and I'll go 2 plan B and file for separation.

-ol' 2long

Shoot, I failed to be clear again.

I don't mean go two plan b,

I do mean think about it, and:

Set your boundaries -

Know what you will do if she crosses them -

Be sure you are ready for whatever that is -

Make sure she understands the bounaries -

Carry out your plan if you have to -


- also -
Have a nice day, get lots done at work, and don't take any wooden nickels.

SS

Hi Trix:

Just a 2ple minor points:

"When RM was married that didn't stop the A. His having a girlfriend may just be an exciting challenge for her to see if she/they can still have him/each other on the side."

This is a factor that I hadn't quite considered seriously. It's possible. I will act accordingly.

"She could be experiencing some serious jealousy and trying to bury it...but then it disturbs her sleep thus the drawing closer to you her steadfast protector...her security blanket."

I don't think that was it. I think she felt guilt come back because I told her that she was responsible for her part in his family breaking up. She had successfully swept that little tidbit of his2ry back under the rug of rationalization.

"When my H asked if we could be friends if we D'd I answered the same way as Mimi. I let him know that I would move on and have only the contact with him as necessary, having to do with our kids lives."

I have said the same thing before myself. But she's swept that under the rug, 2. Maybe it's this kind of thing that has you folks worried on my behalf. I appreciate the concern.

"That would be especially true if he was with an A partner that contributed to the D."

I agree.

"Your W wants it all. She wants it her way. You know that all her talk of continuing her education in the university closest to him was part of her plan to have more contact with RM. Any other belief is denial."

I know this. She doesn't know that I know it yet, though. Well, maybe she figured it out when I told her that I knew he'd moved, that his name was no longer on the staff list where he used 2 work. But she didn't know that he's got a book published, so she isn't "intimately" aware of all the goings on in his life (and this one is significant because it pertains 2 their mu2ual professional interests). This makes things look like he wants 2 end the R, but she won't let him (and he's still 2 weak 2 set boundaries of his own).

"I know it is hard to separate your lives after having spent so long together. I didn't revel the idea. You are probably worth lots more together than apart. Your future would be more secure together than the unknown about starting anew. You will need to look at all the exciting new prospects for your self instead of any dwelling on the negatives."

This is all true, though I get a little goose-bumpy with excitement at the prospect of being DONE with this "ride" one way or the other. I've read so many stories of people (like Spacecase) finding new loves after DV that, although getting through that period is not something I'll enjoy, getting 2 the other side is something I eagerly look forward 2.

"I do believe that if you set firm bounderies that will be your best chance to save your marriage and get real change in your relationship. No wishy washy wavering and over sympathizing with her plite."

I agree, and I promise!

-ol' 2long

Snowbelle:

"So you are 52. What's up with that? You're never too old to find someone who can love you like you deserve. And friend, you deserve so much more than you have right now. Breaks my heart to see you hurt like this over and over and over again."

Who was that sport's figure who fathered his first child at age 56 not 2 long ago? I remember one of the local DJs interviewing him, saying "Wow, Fifty-damned-six!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I know a wonderfully-sweet guy in my hobby area, who I met in person 4 years ago (during my W's A, before D-day), who was 60 at the time, and newly married. He'd had had a heart attack several years earlier, and had multiple bypass surgery. This new relationship really livened him up. They are such a great couple 2gether.

"I hear you saying you don't want to Plan B cuz your wife will just walk away and the marriage will be over. Plan B won't have the desired effect."

Oops, my bad if I was misunders2d. I think that plan B more than likely WOULD have the desired effect on her, but I would rather just be done with the relationship. So, it's more the way *I* would feel about wanting 2 rebuild than any fear she'd be done.

"Then that only leaves you with the choice of living with the pain or leaving your wife and prepare for a new life without her, finding someone who doesn't have this anamoly.

I wish you the best whichever you choose."

Thank you.

"Oh, and please tear up that CA membership renewal card. It was so good to see you talk through strength. Looks good on you (even at 52!)."

Thanks again!

-ol' 2long

Folks:

I've fixed the problem with **edit**

In case anybody needs 2 whack me one.

Talked 2 SC a bit ago, 2. My plan is firming up.

-ol' 2long