The mediator called back as my W was coming down the stairs. He said that if he meets with me alone, he'd have 2 work with me and not us, unless she signed some sort of waiver, so I put her on the phone and she agreed 2 meet with him 2day. We'll have 2 leave in about a half hour.

I'm sure she's angry with me, but she hasn't said anything.

But before he called back, I just sat there, after I'd cancelled the appointment, and wondered what the hell I was doing? Clearly, I was signing up for more of the same. W going 2 OOSP, me not going. No mention of "love" or commitment in our convo, just things like old blame (calmly stated, whatever) and "free will" and "marriage is ownership" stuff. No desire 2 work with therapist or coaches, certainly not 2gether.

I've been doing that crap for 3 and a half years!

-ol' 2long

YIKES!!!

"He said that if he meets with me alone, he'd have 2 work with me and not us, unless she signed some sort of waiver, so I put her on the phone and she agreed 2 meet with him 2day."

I'm not surprised 2Long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You were willing to see a mediator, she wasn't (you know that she never really intended to keep the appt, right?).

She played her cards in a way that had a high chance of getting you to cancel the appt. She would get what she intended without you being any wiser. Oops, not this time! GOOD JOB 2LONG!!!!!

Don't ignore this 2Long....give the choice between you doing it WITH OR WITHOUT HER, she chose to do it WITH YOU. Also note, that there were no other options, no wiggle room. She had to make a CLEAR choice....one that she would have to live with permanently. And look what she chose.

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know to be ready for the anger, pouting, etc, right?

Be your best self 2Long. You can do it, you know you can.

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Molodets!

(as the Russians say)

Keep the appointment 2long. At the very least you will have more information to make a decision.

ROTFL

WAT, that was just masterful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

2long,
My take on this is different. Here’s my slant:

~”I cancelled the appointment (left a message as he wasn't there, don't know if there might be a penalty at this point). 2 far across town. She wants me 2 find someone closer.”~

~”It WAS her request that we meet him before she leaves on Friday. And it was based on her assumption that I'd already met for a consultation, instead of a phone call, and that this would be negotiating and filling out divorce or separation papers.”~

How presumptuous of her! Why would you allow her to dictate to you the progression of events as they apply to the dissolution of your marriage…a dissolution based on her infidelity?! A choice that is yours to make.

She wants YOU to find some one closer? She wants to meet with him before she leaves on Friday? Why do you think that is? Maybe because she wants to go off on her merry way with a “clear head” and no questions in her mind as to what will be coming at her next. And you? My take is that you are enabling her actions and validating her attitude by excusing the gross impropriety of her demand… To bad! Let her little vacation be spoiled! This is serious stuff and if she doesn’t think so that I would guess that it’s up to you to convince her that it is.

2long…if you want to save this marriage…you need to go 2 war. Because war is what it is! Remember Pep’s most excellent post analogizing this very issue? Well bro, it’s get your hands dirty time! Fighting infidelity and saving a marriage just is not a sanitary process. Your WW has to be made to worry and hurt! No way around it! Got to pay the butcher’s price.

I would think you need to tell your WW that “before Friday” is not convenient for you and that you’re thinking about sometime next week….IS convenient for you! And that having a cross-town mediator is fine as far as you’re concerned, unless she wants to deal with the lawyer that lives next door!.

Little things 2long…it’s a whole bunch of little things…that’s what turns the world…no bangs, just whimpers. Steady pressure! Consistency. This has to be hard and painful or it will have no meaning. Please don’t make this easy.

Coach

Since she probably didn't mention her A to your son, I was wondering if you have had your own conversation with him yet to set him straight, from your perspective...your truth? Maybe I missed that in your posts. Does he know RM?

Okay, before the specific answers 2 people's posts.

I just got in2 the office (no WAY I was going 2 stay home this afternoon). The consultation meeting went well, I suppose. We didn't talk about the problems in our marriage, just the options we have for separation, divorce, and division of property. And timing of all that.

The consultation was $325. The filing will be $5000. With no contesting of details, it could be no more than that.

The lawyer sees that we get along well, so given the details of our property sitches, he thinks we could divorce while living in the same house if that's what we decide 2 do. My W asked about support while she gets her PhD, and he said that if we agreed 2 a reasonable period of time - like 3 years, and an amount, that could be worked in2 the settlement as well. I have no problem with that, but I do wonder who'll do her typing for her on this thesis - I did it last time.

He said that we'll want 2 get the most buck out of our house if we decide 2 sell, and asked what I thought would be a reasonable period of time before it's marketable. Probably up 2 about a year, is my guess. So, depending on what we decide regarding her schooling and whether one or both of us want 2 remain in the house, it could be about 3 or 4 years (she has 2 apply for grad school, get accepted, then start).

He said we should think about it for a few days before we pony up the $5000, and so I suggested we wait until she gets back from OOSP in July. I can hope she'll think about the gravity of this by then, but I don't really know what 2 expect.

She was cool most of the time, though she did cry when she was asking about the support for her PhD. She also asked about spousal support based on our earning potential over time (specifically, my retirement account), and he said that the instant we decide 2 separate (could have been 2 weeks ago when I moved in2 a separate room), our finances will be separated as well. She'll have 2 earn her living, perhaps after a reasonable period of spousal support while she gets a job and finishes her degree.

She was cool the whole drive back, but didn't say much of anything at all. Last night, she had said that she will probably leave Thursday instead of Friday, because she doesn't think our son and his friend are going with her anyway. 2day, she seems pretty set on leaving 2morrow.

I know she thinks that $5000 is a waste of money, but she sure didn't have any faster, better, cheaper options. I sure hope she believes that her "friendship" with Rat Meat is worth the breakup of her family and loss of our home.

I think I surprised her (perhaps unkindly) by changing my mind and reconfirming the appointment, after that discussion this morning. But I felt pretty heavily manipulated with the whole thing, and so I'm happier (not that I'm happy, mind you) that we went ahead and met with the guy before she left on her trip. Other than that, I feel like I handled myself okay. But I sure would rather negotiate our recovery than our divorce.

Thinking back on some things we talked about this morning, a few thoughts keep coming back 2 me.

*She read my NC email 2 her friend (the one who's job she's considering taking and hiring RM 2 consult for in a few months). HF (Her friend) allegedly said, about my request that she have NC unless its a letter from both of us about NC, "that's unenforceable." I didn't have an answer 2 that when she told me, but I sure do now. True, it is unenforceable, but it is verifiable. She could tell me if NC is broken. She has 2 want 2, of course, and doesn't, which is why we had the meeting 2day.

*I need us 2 negotiate every important thing that could affect our relationship (POJA). That includes "friendships" or working relationships with RM, my telescope hobby, how I wipe my... ...well, maybe not that, unless she's bothered by it. EVERYTHING. But again, the sticking point here is that she wants 2 be able 2 partition that relationship off limits 2 my scrutiny.

And if those are the conditions I must live with, then I'd rather not be married. It is that simple.

Nevertheless, this hurts like hell.

-ol' 2long

2 add:

I also would need for us 2 work with a balls-2-the-wall counselor or coach, but she says she's not the least bit interested.

-ol' 2long

I haven't ignored it, but I am pretty sure that her "coolness" the whole time, and her moving her depar2re back 2 2morrow, is an indication that she views this as entirely my doing - she's off the hook, because she isn't the one that's asked for a DV.

-ol' 2long

Hi coach:

Well, considering we went for the consultation, whadaya think I should think, do, say next?

-ol' 2long

This is not an option, right? Right? Right? RIGHT????

WAT

2Long,

I don't know anything about California, but it certainly sounds outrageously expensive to me.

I paid $500 to have the papers worked up - and will pay $168 to file them.

I may have to pay a bit ($200) to have them updated before filing - since there has been a delay.

On another subject,
You've got to talk to your son and tell him the real deal!

I'm sorry about all the pain. Time heals, they say. I guess we'll both find out if it's true.

-AD

What the heck -
{{{{{{{{{{2long}}}}}}}}}}

You know I mean it, too.

SS

Trix:


She didn't tell our son about the A, and she thinks he needs time 2 absorb this development first. ...but then she's leaving 2morrow. When I asked him last night if he was still thinking about going with her, he said "probably not, until DD goes in a few weeks." That is apparently in reference 2 the 4th of July, when I was supposed 2 re2rn there (after spending a week working on her house there next week, which I'm not going 2 do now) with our family and with my BIL's family and MIL. I won't be going back again, ever. Unless we decide 2 save our marriage, and POJA how 2 do that.

He's met RM. Last year on that field trip. RM showed the class around his workplace (from which he has subsequently been "dismissed" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). My W says they were probably with RM for about 15 minutes each group of 3 or 4 people. She didn't tell my son that RM is a "friend that she went 2 school with" until afterward. His response was "cool." Which made me york my breakfast when I'd heard it.

I met RM about 15 years ago at a party with his W and first son (just a few months old at the time, I think). I don't remember what he looks like. I wouldn't be able 2 identify xMrs Meat 2day either, though I do remember she struck me as "cute" at the time.

-ol' 2long

Right, WAT. It sounds absurd 2 me. I suppose that if my W doesn't move out herself, I will move out. Yes2rday I mentioned a job announcement that came out just a few minutes after I got 2 work. I'm going 2 apply again. If I get the job, I'll be moving 2 Flagstaff. The other job option is in San Diego. I can take my grant money and projects with me 2 either job. I would probably postpone my start date long enough 2 finish the house, but I wouldn't need 2 live in it over that time, I suppose.

-ol' 2long

Also, WAT:

He said that in response 2 our questions about how long DV takes in CA, and when does "separation" start. I had this notion that we had 2 be living apart for 6 months or a year, but separation can be in the same house, by definition.

But I'm sure my W expects us 2 do it that way. For a while, for logistical simplicity, I might agree 2 that, but not for 3 years while she gets her degree.

-ol' 2long

Do you have a preference as to location?

SS