Well yesterday was my H and my 6th year anniversary. For the whole month leading up to the date, my H acted like it was no big deal, he could care less what we did - OR if we did ANYTHING. We had spent the money that we had set aside for a trip for our anniversary so he could buy a motorcycle- and now he had me convinced he could care less. He had me so convinced that on Friday I showed up to work in tears.
Well I got off of work on Saturday to find bags packed and being instructed to go change clothes we were leaving <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
We go drop the kids off at my brothers and we set out- H would say we were going to Stillwater, then we missed the exit- he just smiled, then he said we were staying at Mystic Lake Casino- he took the wrong turn- again he just smiled- we went on like that for a while until he had me completely stumped. Then we pull up to a hotel across from the Mall Of America- we go check in- he got a King Suite- we go to our room, not even 5 minutes later a package arrived- with a back massager and bath oil and some other stuff in it. Then we set out across the street where he bought wristbands for the amusement park in the mall- (I love rides!!) after a while we start walking around the mall, and do a progressive lunch thing, where we stop one place and get a drink, another for a pretzal, another for a icee (I think you are following me!) then we go back to the hotel and go in the hottub, relax <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> in the room. Again there is knock at the door, room service with a bottle of Champaine and two glasses (H just smiled!) we headed back to the MOA and went on more rides, and then had a late dinner. It was such a nice day! In the morning another knock- Breakfast- Waffles, juice, fruit ect! It was wonderful. Once we checked out of the hotel he took me shopping- I got a new purse, and clothes. It was so fun. I was very impressed- however all week I was so sad because I thought he did not care, all that to pull off the surprise- like I said a risky little game~!

Oh and by the way I am 99% possitive that H is reading here as he was quoteing things to me over the weekend from here (He said things like OW, WH, OC) a little freaky- however quite possably a good thing too.

How sweet. Remember this "kindness" next time he hits you.
You're easily bribed KMEJ.

Hi KMEJ,

I'm glad that you were treated to such a wonderful anniversary! I'm glad that you could enjoy it for what it was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

However, it was not as risky a game as you seem to think it was. It was a game, yes, but risky? Not in the least. You see, him doing this in a way that had your emotions so low just made the "rise" that much more. And he did that at your expense. I think it was cruel. I still think the actual anniversary was very thoughtful, but it's too bad that you had to pay in advance for it in the way that you paid. Better luck with your next important event.

If he is reading here, I hope he reads what I'm going to say next. KMEJ, his thoughtfulness, time, and effort into making the day of your anniversary wonderful was REAL. His abuse is ALSO REAL. Given enough time, one of these two things will become a thing of the past. Which of his characteristics will go away and which will continue to flourish?

Without counseling and/or a treatment plan, the thoughtful and loving H will wither away and the abusive H will be all that remains. WITH counseling and/or a treatment plan, the abusive H can heal from his own hurts and pain that is the underlying cause of his abusiveness and the thoughtful and loving H can flourish.

It just takes one of you to start the healing process KMEJ. When one spouse heals, a lot of times the other spouse will seek healing too. How's IC going?

Happy Anniversary KMEJ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KMEJ, I live in your area. If you ever have an emergency I'm here to help.

GC

wow. I can't tell if this is hurtful or honest. It most assuredly seems sarcastic and without compassion.

Bob, I did not intentionally mean to "call you out" with this, but I found it more difficult to just simply let this go. You seem angrier and more sarcastic these days. My opinion.... which I will extend might have little value to most. I think it was nice that KMEJ had a break from hell.

Everyone could use a break. And I also think that happiness felt for a short time is better than no happiness at all, ever.

Also... I understand pain. I am not a child. I have felt pain. Lots of it. I never found comfort in dragging people into the boat with me.

Just a thought, sir. My opinion, which I am fully prepared to have disregarded.

KMEJ, I am glad that you had a nice time and got to ride some rides. I hope that it becomes the rule and not the exception that your H behaves this way. I will pray for you and yours.

Patriot, I'd call what Bob wrote "fiercely compassionate".

KMEJ's husband smacks her around. What are the odds that he's done it for the last time?

GC

Thanks to all for your feedback. Bob I understand where you are coming from, and the thought crossed my mind as well.

Patriot thanks for what you wrote, I enjoyed my little piece of happiness and being pampered this weekend. I think Bob may be right, and am continueing in my IC.

Graycloud- thank you for letting me know that you are around here if/when needed. I appreciate it!

LB- Thanks- yes I had a great weekend, it was nice to smile and laugh and enjoy myself. I was relaxed and enjoyed every second of my time. When H started to get a little snappy, like talking about what I was writing in here, I made light of it and did a little reverse babble ( well my attempt at it- thanks Orchid) or when he was mad because I had to work on Saturday (no mention to the fact I arranged it to get out 3 hours early!) It was just so nice to to have any responsibilty for 24hours- I got to be me, and I got to be with H- the real H, the man I have not spent much time with in years. I am not thinking everything is now perfect, I am just remembering the wonderful time I had with him. Now back to my regular scheduled programing =^)

Patriot I am more indigant than I was when good people let themslves be abused in hope of some miraculous personality change that virtually never happens.

Abusers use 'good cop bad cop' to manipulate their victims.

KMEJ got months of nice soft talk and got abused time and again doing nothing.

Right now I bet she has a smile on her pretty face and her heart lifted in her chest because her baby has at last lived up to her hope and trust.

DO YOU think he has stopped his abuse Patriot ? REALLY ?
So what use would sweet words be ?
Should she REALLY be thankful for this holiday from torture ? What is it Stockholm syndrome ?

This niceness was as much a part of his abuse and coerced SF and hitting IMO.

Sorry you find me sarcastic and angry. Never my intent. I said what I thought was best for KMEJ to hear.

I'm sure it was a good break and you certainly deserve it. Carrying the whole load of parenting can definitely drain you, and having a little break sure rejuvenates you. I'm fortunate to have lots of family and friends around so I'm spoiled and do get lots of breaks. I think it makes me a much better parent cause it definitely can get exhausting at times!

In terms of your H... I sort of feel the same way as Bob, but you know him the best so I'm sure you can make up your own mind.

Cheers,

Miker

Watch it Bob! You might be turning into a lemonman! However, I agree with you. KMEJ has a right to enjoy a lovely weekend away. She paid for it before and I'm sure she'll pay for it later. I'm glad she's in IC but the person who REALLY needs it, isn't. H is putting the pleasure with the pain. I expect the rollercoaster will be coming to a dip soon.

I unfortunetly agree with you all- and I am not blind to it. I am also not thinking that he has seen the light so to speak. I am however taking it as a wonderful thing that he has done. There is a good man in him. It was nice to see it again. With him reading here, or so I am lead to believe- I am hoping that means that he is trying to better himself- either that or find more amunition against me... it is probably the latter of the two. My eyes are wide open, and yes bob I do have a smile on my face, but I am realistic at the same time. I know this ride, and doubt that it has changed as of yet.

after reviewing some other posts on this board today and seeing some sort of odd trend, I wanted to apologize to Bob Pure.

Hey, Bob.. I am sorry I said something about your post and singled you out. I have seen a number of examples today that I would call sarcastic or harsh. I am seeing it from people that others around here call "old timers", those being the ones people seem to gravitate to for advice.

Possibly I have a blind eye to the "between the lines" message in peoples posts...I am not sure. I, however, willingly accept that this perception I have right at this moment is mine, and not necessarily someones wrong doing.

Maybe I put to much value in a softer form of communication. Maybe that makes me weak.

Patriot,

I hardly think that makes you weak. Showing compassion for someone else is not weak.

KMEJ,

I was married to a very abusive H, at one time. Your post struck a chord with me because that is exactly the way he liked to "treat" me - by letting me down first. I don't know if that is an inherent trait of abusers, but it certainly isn't a nice way to be given a gift, is it? I remember what that feels like. Sure, it's better than the abuse, I guess...but just to be treated in a respectful manner on a daily basis would have been a much bigger gift to me. Sometime later I would like to share with you my experience as an abused wife and how I came to leave that situation.

Froz

Im glad you had a nice anniversary K. You deserve it.

Okay, KMEJ -

I have been doing some studying. I did a search of your posts so I could familiarize myself as best I could of your situation, although I suspected it would sound pretty familiar anyway. Abusers are so typical, you can almost predict their next move.

KMEJ, I told you before that I, too, was an abused wife. When I was 19, I was a single mother. I got pregnant in high school (Junior Prom night) and my beautiful daughter was born just after I turned 18.

I met my first husband at this time. We began seeing each other. I ignored all the red flags. Red Flag #1: He was drunk when I met him.

There are defining moments in everyones lives...those moments when, in retrospect, you look back and see the way you reacted to a certain situation and actually have the mental picture of yourself standing at a fork in the road...and then choosing a path. I will always wonder what might have been, had I have chosen a different path this day.

The night before, my future first H and his friend were sitting in the garage at his parents house. They were drunk. They began to be pretty verbally abusive to me. I started crying, and then I finally had had enough and wanted to leave. I drove back to my apartment. Not long after, my future H showed up, saying he was sorry. I let him in. As soon as I did - things got out of control. He didn't hit me, but he did push me around. I had never been physically abused in my life, up to this point. He began to try to have sex with me. I was petrified. I think I might have said that I wasn't interested, but he didn't care. He got on top of me and started whispering in my ear in a voice that sounded pretty evil. He told me that he could rape me then, and there was nothing I, nor anyone else could do about it. I was so scared that I felt FROZEN. I didn't stop him. I simply waited until he was asleep (by this time, it was early morning) and then I left. I left him in MY apartment.

I went over to where my best friend was - she and another guy went to breakfast with me. I told them everything. They were quite alarmed (which gave me a reality check because I was probably in a bit of shock and didn't really know how I was supposed to feel). When they realized that he was still at my apartment - sleeping. They told me, "You HAVE to call the POLICE!!!" So I did. I went over to my apartment and met the police there and told them everything that had transpired. The police went into my apartment and woke him up. The police came back out a short time later and informed me that the "perpetrator" wanted to talk to me alone for just a moment - to apologize. I figured this couldn't hurt - after all, he was sorry and the police and everyone else were right there.

He was SO remorseful. He told me that he had never done anything like that before. He cried and told me how much he truly cared for me and that it would never happen again - would I just PLEASE not consider pressing charges?

KMEJ, I felt so sorry for him. I didn't want to be the bad guy that pressed charges and caused him to go to jail!!!! The police walked back over to me and said "Ma'am, do you want to press charges?" Guess what I said?

I stood at that fork in the road at that moment, and I said no. I chose to go down that path and it changed my life and the life of my daughter and future son, forever.

That day was such a foreshadowing of my future with this man. That day began the cycle of abuse that would continue for years to come. I married him just a few short months later, partly because I was pregnant, partly because my parents had kicked me out of their home and I literally had nowhere else to go, and partly because I began to become addicted to this cycle of abuse. Abusers are so GOOD at manipulating. They will resort to whatever works. Every time I got close to being fed up, he turned on the charm - told me exactly what I wanted to hear. It made me feel so loved! It was almost a compliment - he must care an AWFUL lot about me to let his emotions get the better of him and react so violently! It was only because he loved me SO MUCH that he couldn't control himself!

After awhile, I even began to believe that it WAS my fault. I look back on that now and see that it wasn't just about HIS control of ME, it had a lot to do with MY trying to control the situation. If I could just do everything right - then he wouldn't get so angry with me! If I could be the perfect wife, maybe I would deserve to be treated with love and respect.

But then, wouldn't you know it - inevitably I would screw up and cook a meal for him that he didn't like, and for that I should get whatever he doled out to me, right?

He began to isolate me from my support system. He liked NONE of my friends, nor my family - so it became more of a hassle to stay in touch with them, as it would only anger him and didn't seem worth the conflict. Also, it was kind of embarrassing having them see the way he treated me, so I allowed myself to be isolated. It was so much easier than offering excuses for his behavior and for mine, in staying with him.

He slowly got rid of everything - my car, my friends, my job. I was stuck at home all day long with only a 1 and 3 year old for companions. Often (always on his payday), he wouldn't even come home from work. He may even have called from work and told me to have dinner ready when he arrived, only for him to not show up until the usual time - around 2:30 am (when the strip bars closed). By then, he would have spent most of his paycheck - while I was sitting at home, wondering how he would behave when he got back and how I was going to buy diapers or formula for the baby for the next day, as I knew he would have spent his entire paycheck at the bar (and on women).

I'll skip the other four years, as I am sure you know what they were pretty much like.

I began to lie to my family and friends (on the rare occasion that I was allowed to communicate with them) about where I got that black eye, etc...It was so humiliating to tell anyone and besides, that would have angered him only further - also, I would then have to be accountable for my decision of not leaving. I felt trapped. I was 22 years old with two babies, no car, no job, no friends and no family. How COULD I leave???

Skipping over a bit more time here, to when I was was 23. My beautiful daughter and son, 3 and 5 years old now, were living a sad life. Often, when he would be angry and want to beat me, the children would be in the room. I guess he was just too nice of a guy to hit me in front of my children, so he would tell them to go to their rooms.

This time I was so scared that I actually looked at my young children and I was crying. I begged my babies not to leave the room - I told that that if they did, their daddy would hurt me. I thought that maybe, if they stayed in the room, that he wouldn't! Imagine, KMEJ, how they felt - they were terrified of what would happen to me if they left, but they were more terrified of HIM, so they went to their rooms. My children actually had to listen (and probably believe that it was their fault) as they heard him beat me from the other room. I will never, ever, ever forgive myself for that desperate plea to my children. I shouldered them with that burden and made them feel responsible. I will never forgive myself for that. NEVER!

When I was 23 years old, I finally left. For two reasons: the first reason was that I could see how it was affecting my children. Do you know what typically happens to children who grow up in that environment? I do. My son was destined to grow up and become an abusive husband, because that was what he was being taught. My daughter was going to grow up and marry someone who would abuse her in the same manner. The thought of that was more than I could bear. Also, I feared that he was going to kill me soon. I FINALLY arrived at a point where I became more scared to stay then I was scared to leave.

So I left.

It wasn't easy, and it was scary as hell. I knew that if he found me, I would pay for leaving.

About this time, an old girlfriend had just moved back into town. I went to her house in the middle of the night and said "Help me. I want to leave - please help me."

We sat up all night and devised a plan and set a date for my "escape" - a week later. Just before this, he had finally agreed to let me have a job. I still wasn't allowed to have a car, though. I took off work that week, and had him drive me in, as though I were still going to work. I had everyone at work cover for me, and my father came up to my work and drove me to my girlfriend's work where I would borrow her car to go run my errands - getting an apartment, setting up the utilities. At the end of the day, I would go back to work so he could pick me up like nothing had transpired - like I'd been there all day.

I just had to put all emotions aside and think logically, for once - I just acted like I was an auto-pilot. I had saved some money from my job that he was unaware of. I kept it in a sock, in a drawer at my friend's apartment - just in case he discovered it.

When the day came to leave, my father and some of his employees were waiting by the phone for my call, telling them that he had left the house. He was going to be gone for only about an hour. We had everything packed up and we were out of there in record time.

Of course, there was hell to pay. I had to have my father meet me when I got off work for several months, to walk me to my car - in case my husband would be waiting in the parking lot (he was). I carried pepper spray, which he ended up getting ahold of and just sprayed me in the face with it, angered that I actually had the gall to think I could protect myself from him!

There are so many other horrible stories of abuse (emotional and physical), just like some of the stories you also have.

Everyone has always told me how brave I was to get out. That was 12 years ago, and to this day - I KNOW it wasn't brave! I didn't leave because I finally grew a spine (as you put it).

I left because I was MORE afraid to stay. I was afraid for myself and I just couldn't get the image out of my mind of my children mimicking the roles their parents were displaying. It doesn't matter why, now. It worked.

I am 35 now, and my beautiful children are 15 and 17. It worked, KMEJ! Because I got out soon enough, my son respects women. He is warm and loving and not violent (he was for a short time when he was 3-4, just after the divorce).

My daughter is one of the most amazing young women you would ever have the blessing to know. She demands respect in her relationships and is everything I might have become, had I only believed in myself and felt loved at any time in my life.

This is my hope for you and your children, as well. If you don't feel strong enough (and how COULD you possibly, when your H has accomplished what he has set out to do - to break you down and rob you of your self-worth and your support enabling you to feel as though you somehow deserve it).

Try, if you can, KMEJ, to imagine your children in their future adult relationships. Then imagine what their lives might be like if you left.

YOU ARE AT THAT FORK IN THE ROAD!

Formulate a plan - and then leave emotion out of it. Act on autopilot, accomplishing the items on your plan until you are gone. Then enact NC with him (to break YOUR addiction to the cycle of abuse), until you and your children are safe. There are so many who will help you.

Life is short, KMEJ. I know the fear of the unknown is scary. I know BEING alone seems scary. But, who knows what great things the future can hold for you and your children!!!!

Instead of focusing on the fear, imagine the POSSIBILITES!

You already know what will happen if you stay - more of the same (possibly, even, it will become progressively worse). Don't do it because you deserve better (even though we all know you do; those feelings will come later for you), because right now, you're still beaten down.

Do it for the futures of your children. THEY deserve more, as do you. They deserve an opportunity to feel safe and have the example of a loving home. You have the opportunity to break the cycle of abuse for them. Don't deny them that gift that only YOU can give them.

I have more to say to you, but this has already become so long and I don't want to throw more at you than you can absorb in one sitting.

I will post the rest tomorrow, unless I receive a request from you not to do so.

For tonight, if you will, picture that fork in the road for your children - who are powerless - envision that picture of each path in their futures. Let it simmer, and remember the power to shape those futures, for them, lies solely within your hands and the decisions, or lack of them, that you make.

Froz

Hi frozen,

I don't know what to say, but I wanted to respond.

I don't know how to do it, but some people link posts to their signature line. Would you consider doing that? Imo, this post should stay accessible for all who it can help.

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi KMEJ,

From your Friendship thread:

"I've learned....That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness, and growth occurs while you're climbing it."

IC is a good start to your climb!


"Happy Friendship week to you. I appreciate you."

Happy Friendship week to you too KMEJ. I appreciate you too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow I missed Frozen's post until now. Very powerful. Very thought provoking. I do not know what to say at this point- other then Thanks for sharing your couragous journey. I need to absorb this now.

Frozen, I know how incredibly difficult it is to revisit painful memories....you were OVERWHELMINLY kind hearted and generous to do so for KMEJ. {{{Frozen}}}

KMEJ, I haven't been able to bring myself to post to you for a long, long time but I've followed along here and there. Hugs to you, girl. Maybe someday you will share your story, including a self-empowering, victorious ending with someone else in need. Don't lose faith in who you really are....don't allow him to take that away from you. KB

Frozen, thanks for posting that. My Mom left my dad because he was an abusive drunk. She raised my brother and I on her own while dad saw us very infrequently. I am so grateful to her for that. To this day, I am grateful. And as Dylan can attest, I have a great respect for women (and men, for that matter) and I attribute that all back to her.

I'm a little curious... whatever happened to him? Has he ever gotten help? Is he in jail? You don't have to answer if you don't want to... I'm just curious.

In my dad's case, things didn't turn out so well. He hooked up with the wrong woman. One who was more than willing to take a couple of shots so that she could retire comfortably. He has nothing now. Nothing. No pension, no wife, no job, no self respect. At the age of 65 or so, he has been humbled. And I mean humbled.

A couple of years ago, when this was all happening and he was basically homeless, I took him in. Sadly, he got drunk and said some rude things to my roommate and my wife. I almost broke his jaw.

He's not drinking anymore. But it's too late for him to recover any sort of decent life. I love my dad, and feel bad for him, but there's really not much I can do for him. Although since he's stopped drinking I do see and talk to him now. (Mom also taught us kids how to forgive)