I got this website from the book surviving an affair. I am in a situation where about 3 months ago my wife told me she does not love me anymore and is in love with a coworker. I am a stay at home Dad with 2 kids 6 and 3. I have done almost everything I can to tolerate this situation. I am trying to give her as much space as I can but we are still living together. She has been asked to transfer to a new area from her boss as this is not taken lightly at her work, which should take place with in the next 3-4 weeks. I have told her I am here for her and want to get through this but she still can not resist meeting with this other man every so often after work or after we put the kids to bed. I tell her I love her and assure her at times that what has happened with our love will return if she can try to put some effort back into our marriage and family. but she has not done one thing to try to end it with this man or let me back into her life emotionally. I have read Surviving an affair and tried to get her to read it but she gave up about half way through. How much time do I give her or do I resort to "plan B"? Do I let her go on her own and hope things colapse in on her so to speak. I have full support from her family and mine, but am worried about an income also, because I want the kids with me. any advise will be appreciated. I have read most of the other posts and it makes me feel better reading the answers and responses they have gotten. Thanks

Full support from her family and mine - good. Do any of them live close enough to help with child care so that you can get a part time job? Are they putting pressure on her to end the affair?

Do you live in a "no fault" divorce state? Or can you use the affair to get custody of the children?

Your wife isn't interested in educating herself with anything you share with her so don't waste your energy. She's in the Betrayer's Fog. She's also sitting on the fence eating her cake. You are in a powerless position.

Go to the rest of the site here, and read How Affairs Should End, Plan A, and also, if you can somehow afford it, find the Marriage Coaching section and I strongly suggest counseling with the Harleys.

It isn't going to go away by itself. Logic, facts, nothing is going to appeal to your wife.

Also, she may resent being the breadwinner. While on one hand it gives her a lot of power, it also diminishes you in her eyes, because she is paying the bills. She has the money, she can do what she wants. (See first paragraph, above, about part time job.)

Keep your chin up.

I live 3-4 hours from my parents and hers. Both our parents are telling her to end the affair. I can use the affair to help get custody of the kids and have already talked to but not hired an attorney and they have told me that I have a very good chance of getting full custody of the kids as I am the primary care giver, and especially that she has not ended the affair. I have tried plan A. Tried to get her to end the affair and work on us but like you said she is in the "fog" and can not see through it. She told me that it isn't fare for her to not be able to talk to him anymore. We have gone to counciling 3 times but doesn't like people calling this a fantasy or talking about reality.

I guess some of my thinking is that if I keep being honest and not get mad anymore over what she has to tell me about what she is doing and to keep telling her that I love her and we can get through this, I hope she will see the right thing to do before things get any further out of control. Does this sound logical or am I kidding myself?

SD,

You bought survivng an affair right?

Did you read it? I mean really read it?

If you really, really read it then you need to start APPLYING what you read in the book. I know it is hard but you aren't helping yourself right now.

You are going to have to be strong, stronger than you ever thought possible...strong meaning it is time to work on YOURSELF.

Stop with the "I Love You's" right now, today, this second. Words do not have any effect on the WS, actions do, now let me suggest some actions for you, take it or leave it.

BTW, My wife was the main breadwinner while I was in school and I had a job where i worked out of our house for 10 years so I was the primary caregiver from the start, I have custody so I know of what I speak here OK?

1. Go get a job, doesn't matter what it is, Stock Trader to Popcorn maker, even better if it is Friday nights, Saturdays, and Sundays...it won't interfere with kids school, WW's work and WW will have to focus on the kids by herself, you won't be there to rescue her when she runs out patience with them, she does run out of patience with them pretty quickly right? You are much more patient and understanding with them aren't you? I know you are because I've been there. On that same subject, did your WW compalin that you all never went anywhere? Went out together? If so make plans to go out, if she doesn't want to go...you go. Concert, ballet, whatever go anyway make arrangements for a sitter, if she doesn't want to go then go pay the babysitter and go out. It's your money to buddy so don't sweat it.



Plus it is one step towards much needed independence on your part

2. Speaking of independence, start making plans with the kids to do things together, invite her to come.....ONE TIME...ask nicely and if she doesn't want to go, thats it and you leave with the kids.

3. Pick one thing today that you know she doesn't like or you don't like about yourself and need to improve and change it...start today. Don't tell her you are doing it, remember words don't work? She needs to see results, action, change.

4. DO NOT...beg, plead, prostrate yourself before her, cling, whine, piss or moan...do not try to reason with her, teach her, educate her, or explain how wrong she is. WORDS DON'T WORK!!!!

That's enough for now but buddy, you need to start applying the things you read in the book.

You can do this, forget the divorce stuff for now....It's Plan A time now, real Plan A...If you think she is leaving the home soon then get a lawyer to draw up seperation papers with you getting custody and CS and have them ready to go and file, heck you can do that online without a lawyer by yourself and save the money...it's only $35-100 to file sep. papers and the papers are available online for free ...other than that this isn't the time to think divorce, this is the time to stop a divorce.

One thing my friend, she isn't going to stop her affair for the same guy and same reasons she started the affair.

Chin Up and get busy....one way or another it will get better no matter how it turns out OK?

RebornMan

Thanks for your advice Reborn. I will start to reread Surviving an Affair and work harder on this. I must say though that my kids do get on my nerves easier than they do hers, as this is on my mind 24/7, and she only sees the kids for a short time in the evenings and maybe one day during the weekends. WW is in an upper management position and works a lot. Thanks again.

SDmisery,

To expand on RebornMan's comments, please read the following links:

7 Tactics To Use During an Affair.
12 Tactics To Avoid During An Affair.
Michelle Weiner Davis's Divorce Busting 180 Degree List.

I beleive that if you follow these tactics your chances will improve greatly that your WW will take notice and just might start to question her decision to want to make a life with the OM. If this happens, your Plan A will then be a lot more effective and powerful than it is presently.

TMCM

Thanks for your input. CoffeeMan, I have printed some of these things to keep in my pocket to help me stay on track. I realize I have only been doing a portion of what I should be doing. Even though it feels like I should be doing the opposite, I guess what I am doing isn't working, since she had to meet with other man last night. So I guess I better change and give this a try. I will make it!

Ok so my wife agreed to and promised to not have anything to do with the other man, as we are moving to another state in a couple weeks. now she says we have to become friends again, any advice, links or books anyone can recomend on how to talk to my wife or becoming her friend again. It may be to early for me to think of tring to fulfill her Emotional needs due to she will still be in the withdrawal stage but I would like some ideas or thoughts anyone has.

Thanks

If you remember, Dr Harley in 'Surviving An Affair' states that a couple MUST make the committment to have a minimum of 15 hours of time ALONE with each other. Since both of your families were very supportive in wanting her to end her affair, you might want to approach them and ask them if they could possibly help you and your W by having the kids stay with them one Saturday or Sunday every other two weeks. If they agree to do this, this would give you and your W one full day to spend with each other just like when the two of you were dating. Of course you will want to run this by with your W first before approaching your families.

TMCM

Iam in the same boat my wife loves the coworker to I think so this for me has been going on since I found out in 10/03 she moved out. Filed for divorce and next month will be the divorce. How can I stop it lawyers are pushing to get this done fast. I can not talk to her without her getting mad over anything. I don't see her much only when she brings the kids to me. She is in the fog. What can I do I don't want a divorce. I have go to court for a commhiser hearing. Need help