Sally,

First of all understand that this is what cheaters in the throes of an affair do. They lie about it.

Read Arks "the art of Plan A" thread. Part of Plan A is knowing, expecting that there will be contact and they will lie about it.

If the affair is not ended on Dday, than you have a cake eater.

He is a cake eater Sally. You need to understand this to do a Plan A well.

Exposure is also part of Plan A. If doesn't matter that the source is you. This man's husband needs to have proof that the affair is ongoing. From what I remember, he didn't believe you last time. Do you have proof now?

I thought you had been Plan A'ing all this time. What do you mean you haven't done a Plan A?

Just so you know, I often talk to my dead parents. Especially when life gets a little crazy. They talk back too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

weaver, Thanks, my family doesn't talk back which is probably for the best. :-) No, sorry for mix-up. Of course I have been doing Plan A to the best of my ability all along. What I meant about going to Plan B was that I thought Plan A needed to be followed through to the end of the A?

So now I'm not at all sure this is cake eating. Now I feel like he is seeing me to cover his [censored]. I'd feel much better about cake eating. I could handle that. It would mean he got SOMEthing out of seeing me that wasn't just something enabling his A.

Sal

Weaver n' believer n' faithful? Are you ever at ladies MB?

Sal

Sally, I do hope to see you soon in Idiotville again. Don't get bothered by KA - he's just being sarcastic and, after all, he is an 'idiot'. TT

TT,

You're an angel on earth and bless you. I realized three important things from that row:

1. I need to be more careful in general (and I was already being more careful than I liked).
2. My energy needs to be spent on me, Plan A, Phil, job huntung etc. and not silly cyber fights. :-)
3. KA made me angry enough that I almost swore at him and I forgot to be sad. So good came from that after all.

Thank you for the reassuring pat. I'm nervous to go back to idiotville - not really sure I'm welcome...

Sal

Weaver,

****** edited by Sally ******

I hate that there is no one to help with OW H but much more than that, I hate myself for feeling like - no, being, such a coward. You don't even know...

Sal

Well then, okay. We don't need you to get yourself locked up.

Thank God you have MB. I am so glad you are getting support here.

Hang in there Sally.

Well I'm glad you're all here too and I really don't think I am insane (she said as she wiped the froth from her gaping maw). No, really... :-) Too bad. Perfect night to make contact with OW H as his W is out laughing it up with my Phil.

Sad Sal

Sally,

I am not here enuf to read everything, but this your thread caught me up tonite. I have seen u in Idiotville, but I haven't been there recently (I think that iam too much of an Idiot for them too- Town Kook-HA).

Anyway, I am an avid believer in Animals Keep People Healthy(mentally, emotionally and physically)!!! HAven't u everr heard about MY menagerie?! And just recently, i was talking about fave animals and realized that I haven't been without a dog since I was 5 (I think)!!! I guess I COULD, but wouldn't WANT to live without my dogs!!

Don't make any decisions too quickly or under so much pressure, if u really don't have to. My dogs were like my kids, until I had kids. I understand!! I tear up just thinkng about when my 11yo mutt will pass. She's perfectly healthy now, but I am a nut.

Wish u were near me, in the midwest. I would be ready to help and care for them until u found a place where u could have them.

Another thing. I realized when my Dad passed, that I was so glad that I had responsibilities, esp the horses. i couldn't NOT take care of them and it made me get up and GO and do SOMETHING!!! This has helped me since then, also. I clean stalls, talk to myself or sing to the radio, cry, WHATEVER!! And nobody usually bothers me much out there, if they are home. They are afraid that they might have to work also.

I don't know who this Phil guy is, or what he did with the other Phil, but je doesn't sound worth much to me!!

Get back YOU, Sally!! I am getting back me thru separation somewhat and I feel better NOW!!

(((Sally))))
jls

jls

You are really right about getting me back - realizing how much of me had been lost is probably the best thing I've gotten out of this separation. I didn't see all of the little pieces of me that had gone missing - and now that it's just me and "the boys" I've noticed things are missing! I miss those little pieces and want them back! :-)

Sal

Sally, have you talked to a lawyer? A friend of my son had been in a common-law marriage situation. She lived with her BF and was engaged to be married. They bought a house, had 2 dogs and 2 cats. She cancelled the wedding last summer. Given the facts she just turned 21, is still in school, plans to become a dentist and he is 10 years older than she, I think it was a fabulous idea. (I'm her surrogate mom in this state and I didn't like the guy.)

However, it became more than just walking away from the relationship. Even though they'd been together maybe 2 years, it was like being married. They have to go through a big legal process to dissolve everything. I don't know about your state, but I bet you have more legal rights than you think. He probably cannot sell the house out from under you. He probably owes you some type of support. It doesn't matter if you weren't married. If you own property together, that is as good as married.

Take care of yourself Sally. Don't let the puppies go unless you absolutely have to. Your WP is in a big fog. My WH made a lot of pronouncements early on. They've toned down a bit now. Get whatever you can from this jerk.

Grape! I've been waiting for ya!

There's no common-law marriage in this state. :-( Otherwise we would satisfy every definition of common-law marriage and the situation would be very different. Suddenly I'm less willing to let it all go. Right up until yesterday I felt like I'd let it all go because I'm not much of a fighter and don't have much behind me in terms of legal support.

Today I am pissed that because Phil decides he doesn't want me anymore, my whole life got thrown in the garbage. I know there is no such thing as fair but regardless, it isn't. It's unjust and flat out wrong that I wind up homeless and alone and Phil gets to have his A with married OW and everyone just nods and accepts, angry that OW H doesn't seem to know what is going on under his nose. And I am angry that Phil and his family all get to treat me like crap just because there is no one to be my family and threaten them with acrimony and lawsuits right back.

Sally

Who gives a flying F*** what Phil's family thinks? So, expose away. If Phil's family treats you like crap, when just be glad you aren't around them. Are they threatening YOU with lawsuits?

File a lawsuit for alienation of affection against OW. Have her served at home, in front of her H and assorted family. Yeah, make sure it's a BIG family gathering. If you are not in a commonlaw marriage, is there something else you can use? Think creatively! Business partnership? Breach of promise?

You are not alone. I'm sure people (not at MB) don't take your situation as seriously because you weren't actually married. It's sad that you don't have family. You have friends. You can develop a support group. The MB folk are definitely my lifeline.

Find your space of power and go with it. Righteous anger. Don't offload your dogs unless you really need to.

Grape,

There is certainly breach of contract (many times over), that could be argued in my state but even though I have proof of the contract, the argument for settlement is a very tough sell here. It hasn't been ruled out. I'm meeting with another lawyer tomorrow.

In any reasonable scenario I would have nothing to fear from Phil's family. But I'm learning that I should expect nothing reasonable from these people, if only because they are doing what they think they must to take care of their child. They have me feeling like I need to be careful of my words and deeds; what would happen to me if they threw me in a mental ward? That can happen in my state. :-(

I don't want to be a movie of the week! That would be crazy! :-) This whole thing is crazy. I got yet another hang up call. I get them every day at supper time. Weekends too. On days when Phil is travelling they come in all day, usually at two hour intervals. I'm ready for this to be over. I want my house and my dogs and I'm not willing to give them up. Otherwise, I don't need anything more from Phil. I don't need Phil. Today I don't think I can even say I want him back. Today I want him, his family and OW to disappear.

Sally

Sally, sorry but exactly what state do you live in? A state that doesn't protect women in commonlaw marriages and can throw a person in the looney bin for little reason, isn't worth living in. You say you don't have any family except your elderly granny. That is an excellent reason to stay in one place but...

My ancestors were all pilgrims, pioneers and migrants. We pick up sticks and leave. At one point, my 5 siblings and I lived in different states. Western states. They are big and far apart. We move on. There's those people who stay in one spot all of their lives. Then there's those who go in search of something better, a dream or a different way of doing things.

Maybe it's time to think of something else. You don't have a job. You have a house that a jerk wants to sell out from under you. You have a lunatic family, thank your stars you didn't marry into, on your back. You have your health and you have your puppies. With any luck, perhaps you can get a chunk of change out of the sale of your house. Maybe you can give Phil enough of a guilt trip that he'll shell out more. Find a different place to live. See if granny would agree to be moved to an assisted living facility somewhere else. If the soil you are planted in is bad or you're potbound, ya certainly can't bloom. It's time for a transplant.

It you don't have family, then you have to make friends. Blood is good but people who you actually choose to be a part of are even better. A lot of times when we are in relationship, we forget the friend part of life. It's important to have our own friends. Think BIG.

hey all....KA here...no i wasnt being sarcastic to sally about the name in the posts...prior to the blow up i wrote back to sallys personal email saying no she didnnt ruffle my feathers and that it was no problem for me to change the names in the post...i changed them but missed a couple and then changed them whem i saw sallys next post regarding that....this was before the blowup...since then i wrote to her sayiong that i did not see all the names in question and that it still was no problem for me to change them as i did without any problem....i then wrote to her again sayiong come back to idiotville and post....the only person making sally feel unwelcome in iville is sally...i have apologized several times privately to her...i would post those emails i sent to her but i do not want to and would not reveal her personal address to show that i have made the efforts....i bet that none of this was relayed to the gang by sally...i am entitled to my opinion as is sally and i respect hers...that is why i changed the names of people and town....thankyou....NOW, SALLY,GET YOUR A*S BACK TO IDIOTVILLE WHERE YOU BELONG!!!!!!!!!!(DAYUM....long story sally)

and i want a $1 for every typo...lol

Grape, I'm so sorry. I am not spitting on all of the kindness here. I'm not stubborn. I stay because I have nowhere else to go. Essentially, I could go anywhere in the world but no matter where I go, there I am. This is my life - another 45-55 years of alone and it's kind of a sucky reality for me. I’ve transplanted many times. I’m not afraid of the unknown.

I stopped caring. My faith and hope are practically nonexistent. I told my gran where I am. She knows I'm not crazy or dramatic. She could tell. She was shocked at how I have no hope left because I've been through hell so many times in a relatively short life and always took care of everyone else along with myself. I had enough hope for me and for the rest of the world.

My family were all strong people. Fighters and survivors, if you'll forgive the morbid humor, right up until they died... I say it with love and respect. I'm spent though. I don't have enough stuff in me to start over by myself one more time. I know I am accountable for my own recovery. I'm not asking for financial support. I’ll be ok for a while. I know I need to be working. I'm not asking anyone to care for me should I get sick or have an accident. I'm much luckier than so many people that suffer with so much worse.

I know it is wrong that I don't believe in anything anymore. I know that I am terribly flawed. I've been on this path since last year when I started to realize there would be no other baby and no future family. Phil and I had talked about adopting and surrogacy. Then he withdrew from me and I was so hurt I didn’t know what to do. Now, there is no more Phil. He even took the memories away because which ones were true?

Every meaningful thing I thought I knew about me and my life is trash now. My friends and associates, people I thought were good and true, were false. Everyone only ever wanted a piece of [censored] or money, or both. How did I not see that for all of these years? Phil saw it and I didn’t. My faith in the world, in my ability to know right from wrong or real from fake, it's just so low. My hope is used up except for the teensiest bit that hopes for a small miracle to restore the hope!

Sal

sally...
i was right where you are now back in september....i am an old man when it comes to dating a 30 something lady to have more babies..i felt that i had no future as i want a family terribly much....well, i still may not have my babies again but i am learning that i am ok with myself and if it happens that i meet a younger woman and fall in love and marry and have my babies again....then it was meant to be...dont be so sad or hard on sally....phil has his issues also and you cant fix them....just fix sally and you will be ok ....come on back to the IDIOTS sally....we need you there