One of the tenet's in the military is to have a good plan. Plan and rehearse BEFORE comitting to action. Because when the baloon goes up, it is ALWAYS crazier and more chaotic than you expect.

What gets you through? A good plan.

You have 4 hrs to go. Here is what you do...

The first 1.5 hrs

Review in your head what your CURRENT boundaries are in this situation. What if he wants to kiss you? Come home? Ride with you instead of separate cars? Talk about the future? What are you willing to tolerate for this meeting?

CLEARLY DEFINE THAT NOW. In fact, write each boundary down 10 times. Reinforce it in your head, then they will be readily available when your emotions are stirred up.

Final 2.5 hours:

Rehearse. You know him. What will he say? Do? Role-play in your head the attempts he will make to cross these boundaries. What is your response to them? Will you be cold? Humerous? Loving? Forgiving? DECIDE YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE NOW. Look in the mirror and SAY your response to his potential boundary violations. Look at your face and body language. Is it conveying these emotions the way you want?

First 1.5 hours - plan, second 2.5 hours practice. Got it?

Two quotes for you:

"Chance favors the prepared mind."

"Good luck is a lazy man's estimate of a worker's success."

Prepare, then go to work.

NCWalker

Imagine if you will... a serene garden house. Tucked away in a small neighborhood of fix-its, honey-do-thats and animated children shouting and playing it seems like any other happy home. Flowering trees dot the landscape and just beyond the house in a fenced yard, a very small, half-dressed, red-haired woman is swearing and running. She is trying to catch a very large dog that appears to have a mouth full of -- a chicken cutlet. One neighbor snaps a picture. Welcome to the Sally Zone.

Dog ate my chicken cutlet! What am I gonna do with only one?
Sally

NCW, bless you - exactly what I was looking for -- but you already knew that!

I can't help myself -- I have to ask -- has anyone taken all of the stats of us BS and WS folks and created any interesting studies? I'd want to see the recovery charts depicting those who kissed, wore blue on Tuesdays and so forth. Not that it means anything but I like to look just the same!

bOb pure? Yes, I know. I need a job! :-) :-)

Dog ate my chicken cutlet...
Sal

"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail"

John Wooden ... UCLA basketball coach.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Sally, I was a not-kisser. Withdrew all such favours until it was clear they were welcomed.

Stopped me feeling rejected and stopped Squid taking me for granted.

Lasted a couple of months until Squid couldn;t hold back and had to seduce me in a bar near our holiday home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will always remember that kiss. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sally U need to lock up or distract your taker somehow. You will only feel frustrated or rejected if you don't.

{{SA}}

Sometimes I get few responses, so I don't like to bump threads after mine is up there! But this made me LAUGH!!!! Sally, welcome to my life. Where the animals RULE!!! I just try to hold my ground (And my chicken)!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LMAO!

jls

I got back home a bit after 2.30 am. Getting together was a very bad idea. Supper was difficult. Phil was late. Phil was cold. Phil was snitty. APparently I was going to be spending the evening with Angry-Robot-Guy.

I tried my best to be me, keeping conversation fun and light. It almost worked. He told about his recent trip (leaving out OW) and slipped when he explained that the people he'd said were his dinner guests actually weren't... He stopped and looked. I listened and shoved chips in my mouth pretending not to notice that he noticed he'd caught himself in a lie.

Supper went on that way; superficial and not fun crap with him tense, me anxious to leave. Many times I wanted to get up and leave. When supper was being cleared we had more difficult conversation borderline arguing about WHOM exactly was spying on and stalking whom and how and when and why. Phil seemed genuinely surprised AND concerned when I told him about the frequency and codes on the hang-up calls. He got angry and this time it wasn't directed at me.

He also got a bit defensive and wanted to know why didn't I trace the calls. I told him the truth - To trace calls the Phone co. works with the Police and the police tap the line. Since I suspect the calls come from Phil or someone he knows, I don't feel a strong need for the police to go after Phil or his friend. That got his attention. He reiterated that he wasn't placing hang-up calls to me and that he knew I wasn't doing that to him (which is true). I could see he wasn't disregarding what I said. He was thinking.

After more of the same about bank accounts, mail, exposure and so forth we were late for the movie. Phil was grumbling and pissy. I asked him (without upset or emotion) if he'd rather go home. He stopped. And this is when Angry-Robot-Guy left and didn't come back - his response was another direct faced response: Well, we have the tickets already..." I smiled. Because of what you've all said here: If he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be with me. Then he asked me would I rather leave and I smiled wider and said, "Well, we have the tickets already."

During the movie I was the difficult one. My inner taker was taking. [Wish I'd seen your post before I left last night bOb!] Phil had gotten close, so like a knucklehead, I got closer and rested my hand on his leg. That was it, but damage done. An hour into the show he leaned over and said, "You're making me feel crawly." :-( That made jerk away, which is a big LB for him, but wasn't that what he wanted to be distanced? Always I am messing up with him in just that way. I tried to contain the jerk/flee instinct and we sort of settled back to just being close. After I shed a couple quiet tears (glad it was dark), I felt OK about it. It wasn't the worst thing and he wasn't nasty, just difficult. The movie was better than I'd expected. I tried not to laugh at the serious parts no one else laughed at. But Phil laughed with me too at all of the recycling and we laughed at each other's dry humor as the movie wrapped up too.

After the show Phil walked me to my car which I thought was interesting. He did that last time too. As we come around the last turn of the building Phil says "Hey your car is right in the front row!" and then "You have a great car." I say "Yeah and it's about time for a new one." Phil bristles and says "You don't need a new car. Why would you say that?" So I say, "Well, I love the R_____ (yes, I named my car) but it's 9 years old, it's been well-used and it's falling apart! Remember when we went to pick it up?" Phil nods and says "I remember." Then (ladies and gentlemen of MB - you will laugh, you will cry) Phil says, "You don't throw away what you you've got because it's old and falling apart. You fix it up and make it work."

Oh the irony. :-( Does this guy listen to himself? I wanted to bop him on the bean with a rotten tangerine. Instead, I offered to drive him the .05 miles to his car 'cause it was damn cold outside and Phil was wearing no jacket; just a shirt. If any of the rest of you emaciated types out there get very cold, very fast, you know it wasn't a mothering instinct. ANYway, Phil accepted this offer and dove into the car before I could clear the seat of my extra outfit (in case I changed my mind on the way over), lipgloss and love potions.

I drove Phil to his car and honest to Cutlet, I have no idea why he didn't just get out of the car, but we talked for almost another two hours. We didn't fight. We didn't yell. We shared. We disagreed. We had conflict and We CONVERSED. We cried. We expressed. We hugged. And the meat of that all will have to wait until another day. It's all still fresh and good. I know now firsthand that none of this is about me or OW. It's about Phil. It was one thing to be told but it is another to know it for myself and it's a big relief.

I'm going to keep my house and my dogs. Not temporarily either. Keep for keeps. He will sign the deed over and I'll take the mortgage over as soon as I'm employed gainfully again. I'll rely on Phil's word with healthy skepticism - I figure he 'll change his mind another 15 times or so before I get that deed... When he wasn't Angry-Robot-Guy, he told me he doesn't want me to lose my house or my dogs. He doesn't want me to hurt of suffer. Maybe there will be a future for us and maybe there won't. He doesn't know either. And While it's not yet what I want, I prayed for that small miracle and I feel like God sent me a life preserver!

Sally

I don't know what to say. I hope it works out. Phil sounds like my angry robot guy. Perhaps you should just take the money and run. May it's all he has to give.

Are we the same age and/ or grew up with the same silly stuff or do I know you?!!

Sally A., You are an "Idiot", and I KNOW you!! Lately, You make me laugh(maybe cry too). We must be somewhat of the same.

Maybe grapegirl is right. Maybe it's all. Maybe not. Wait and see. I follow your posts and it's kinda' like reading a novel with some subtle clues! I'm just not sure of the outcome. Are you? But I like some of the characters.

Maybe someday you will get hold of another piece of chicken. Or not and switch to steak. Which I am sure that your dogs will like just as much, if not more.

jls

Continuing Plan A update: This is from the man who insists that the house is what is keeping him connected to me despite his "need to sever all ties to to me... Whatever! BTW, I thought his pep talk was kind of funny. I'm not worried about finding something, only about finding something in time to save my home. It seemed an odd thing for him to say. :-p Sal

• ****** deleted by Sally ******

OK.

That is positive sounding. Good Plan A start, with Phil thinking maybe this isn't as bad as I thought...

Be careful what Sally thinks. Every time I would Plan A my WW, I would get a response, that led into another crushing D-Day.

We want with our "heart of hearts" for everything to be back to normal. And it will never be, but that doesn't mean it can't be BETTER. It can. Too many successful stories on here.

A respite from the fog of the WS due to a good Plan A is not a repair of the relationship. Just consider it a rest for you.

This kind of cataclysm makes quite a mess. And feelings can get in the way. They are necessary, because they sometimes provide insight and intuition, but they should not be sole part of the decision process.

So the brakes may be on Phil because of this, and you have some sorting out to do in your own head.

Go back to my post earlier. When you have downtime, shore up your boundaries. I do not mean by that make them bigger, stronger, more defensive. I mean clearly DEFINE them.

If this meeting is a catalyst to return your WS, that is great. But do you WANT what returns?

And will he WANT what he left?

In no way did Sally have ANYTHING to do with Phil's choice. BUT, there are things about you that were disagreeable to him, which contributed to the conditions of his A. And that doesn't mean they are BAD, just that they are disagreeable to Phil.

Sometimes in our busy lives, we forget that as we learn and grow, we may grow in such a way to be less desireable to our spouses. And that is primarily because of a lack of HONEST communication. And different doesn't mean bad.

You may be a MUCH better Sally now than the Sally of 10 yrs ago. Does Phil think so? Did some new quality of Sally mask something that Phil loved?

All good questions. Now is the time for self-examination. If he decides it is time to work on this marriage, this relationship, what are the two of you working TOWARDS?

I don't think I have EVER heard someone on here, betrayer or faithful, say they wanted their OLD marriage back. The A typically tends to be a wake-up call for BOTH.

Keep on the Plan A. Next step is the emotional needs questionairre. You will find out what each other wants. At that point, you will both be deciding if you are willing to do the legwork that leads to success.

And it is HARD. For he has someone telling him it is not.

And you have had a break as well, or more like have been broken.

The two of you need to examine your boundaries, needs, etc. and Harley's materials are good.

Do not be discouraged. Most here will echo this next sentiment.

The most difficult thing about this "rollercoaster" is that the two of you are not on the SAME ONE. You are out of phase. His highs more likely than not occur at your lows. And that breeds quite a bit of frustration.

The unfair thing, is that as the FS, you will have to do most of the sucking up - he has the easy out, he can "give in to the addiction" and return to the fog. There is comfort in that ignorance.

And it HURTS HURTS HURTS. I posted a link to one of my older threads and some of my wife's post were on their. Flooded back memories of some of her good times during our early recovery of A#1. Didn't need to see that. But maybe I did, for now I am over here using it to help you.

It's not fair. Most of the WORK will be on you. Should you succeed, HE will then deal with a whole lotta GRIEF. And when you are recovered, it will seem lack-luster for a time. But that too, will pass.

And you will wind up another MB success. Bear in mind that Phil has to want to as well, but the MB formula is probably the best chance you have.

In brief, enjoy the "good" feelings, the no fighting. But EXAMINE THOSE BOUNDARIES. Letting them slide around will do nothing but hurt you and enable him to cake-eat.

You are in for a rocky-road. Work Plan A as long as YOU are able. Then Plan B. That will protect your feelings. The longer you can A the better, as long as it is firm. Be inviting, not wimpy.

Pepperband started an "affair is war" topic and there is some truth there. When you ride a rollercoaster, you see the low parts that steal your stomach coming. And you tense your body and prepare. The problem with the affair, and plan A and the recovery, is that you don't get to see the low spots. They tend to jump out and grab you.

So you have to be prepared the whole time. Do this by defining what you will and will not tolerate as well as concede on the good days.

NCWalker