Where or how do you meet people?

What do you do on a first date?

At what point do you tell them why your marriage failed?

I've been trying the internet, I've been a part of a run club for a long time. I don't enjoy going out to the bar anymore, I'm too old for that. Meeting people seems impossible. I've only been on 5 dates in the past year since my divorce. No real luck. Only made it to a 2nd date once.

Yep, stupid me spent a couple months having regular conversations with my ex, so that probably impeded my ability to meet new people. I've not talked to him in a couple of weeks now, wrote him off again.

Maybe I'm overgeneralizing, but it honestly sounds like most of the people on MB that have met new people somehow met them through work or work connections. That is NOT a possibility for me, everyone I work with that is male is either gay or married.

Just looking for ideas! Share if you like!

Jen

Why don't you try eharmony or Match.com?

You have to screen through an assortment on Match and eharmony is expensive, but you will definitely get more exposure. You could also try parents without partners, some churches have singles meetings, etc.

I personally have emailed with maybe 20 or 30 guys on match, then maybe moved to the phone (number blocked for safety) with another dozen, then dated maybe six. Only one got several dates and one got two dates. It's not an easy thing to date as an adult - our expectations for the right combinations of personality and intelligence are much higher or different than the "oh he's cute" of our younger years. LOL

Lots of places to meet people that are also looking...

Sunny

Jen,

If you can afford it try eHarmony.

It's going to be tough for you considering you and your EX were with each other since the years you were supposed to be dating and meeting lots of people.

So basically at 33 you are going to try and learn people/dating skills that wasn't done when you were 15,16,17,18,19,20,21...tough stuff.

You do have one distinct advantage though...no children and you are still young enough to have a family. That is a big deal for quite a few of my friends who are starting later in life because of career choices. They want a family but don't want "Instant Family" i.e. women with kids already.

I think you are going to find out you have a huge range of men that will attracted to what you have to offer, grown up and done with games. I don't know what age range you are looking at but in general 30-40 year old men interested in your true qualities are going to be settled, financially better off, and not interested in games. At least that is the case with the friends I have that haven't married yet.

Woman have a biological clock but so do men to some degree, I've had this conversation before when they say to me "You are lucky you started earlier, you won't be an old man when your kids are grown"

Try eHarmony though, I think you'll find they do a good job of matching personality types and everyone I met (I belonged to it for 2 months) were really good people, but don't do it if you aren't interested in a serious long term (marriage) relationship. THose people are there for that, not casual dating (thats why I stopped being a member, it wasn't fair to them).

Good Luck though Jen, you've grown and become a better person through all of this. Forget about your EX and move on, you'll feel better about yourself....your future is right around the corner, keep looking.

Your Friend
RebornMan

Well I have tried eharmony and match.com. They returned very little success, I think in part because most of the people who use both are American (I'm Canadian). In 6 months, I think I had 3 matches on eharmony, and then none of the 3 actually was interested in corresponding. I've had more luck with date.ca and lavalife. I've gone from emails, to chatting on msn, to phone calls and first dates too. Just no real luck yet. I guess maybe some would say I'm impatient, who knows.

"So basically at 33 you are going to try and learn people/dating skills that wasn't done when you were 15,16,17,18,19,20,21...tough stuff." ...Precisely! The last time I was single I was 17 years old. My exH was only my 3rd boyfriend ever. So dating skills are definitely something I am having to learn about from nearly scratch.

It's good to hear that some men hear their biological clock ticking too.

Sometimes I wonder if I never get beyond the first date because I don't play coy, I act like myself, and say what I think. I was such a good flirt when I was married, I felt so safe that I could just ramble on about whatever with whoever. Now if I find myself chatting with someone attractive, male and available, it's an effort to sound casual and flirtatious.

Oh well, thanks for the ideas so far. Anyone else who wants to chime in, I'm sure there's others wondering what I am wondering too.

Jen

Hey Jen,

Sorry 'bout the eHarmony thing...I forget that we have people from all over the globe here sometimes.

I'm not sure what interests you, what your hobbies are, sports you may like...

The thing is, I am a voracious reader so I joined a book discussion club at the "big box" book store and met many nice women. I lift weights so I joined a buddy system where you have 8-12 people in a group and you pair up over the month...say I am available M, W, and Saturday evenings and I put that on the list so I might have all 12 workout with me one month or 2 all month. It's nice cause you always have a partner and yes it is males and females.

Volunteering for local community projects, I helped build a new playground (2 actually) there were 100-200 of us there and met many nce folks.

Just trying to expand the possibilities Jen.

You'll get it right, you are smart, you just need to find yourself again is all. Who is Jen Brown?

I think you'll be surprised in a year who Jen Brown really is. All this stuff with your EX, the affair, divorce, renewed contact, is all still fresh...give it time, you're young, pretty, and I can tell you have a zest for life. It'll all come back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In the meantime have fun! There is no committment and no expectations just you living your life.

Your Friend
RebornMan

Well, I have had some luck with Match and eHarmony. But, they are just ways of meeting people and if you think about it most of the people you meet are not a good match for you, not matter how you meet them.

Take classes in things you like. Cooking, art, etc.

Don't spend much time talking about the marriage or the ex. I avoid the subject for at least the first 3 dates. And then I talk about it very minimally. Nothing wrecks a date faster than talking about he ex and the past.

Would you really be happy with someone that you lured in one way, and would they be happy getting the "real" version at a later date?

I think the answer is an emphatic "NO!"

You just be the best Jen Brown you know how to be, screw 'em if they don't like it.

Be who you are always....

Somebody will really like that in you, trust me.

Enjoy this time, clear your head and figure out what YOU want...not what somebody else may like.

Your Friend
RebornMan

Jen,

I tried match.com, yahoo personals, eharmony and even craigslist. no luck. I went back to school (grad. school) and got a few dates. I went out a few times with classmates/schoolmates. However I found my GF at church when I wasn't trying. Her sis invited me to her BDay, I casually ask her if she wanted to go to concert the day after her BDay. The rest is history. I was ready and looking ... however I met mine when I wasn't trying.

The only advice I could give you is ... just be open minded about dating but don't look for it. If you are attracted to a guy let him know and if there is a guy that interested to you ... give him a hint. Jen, you will find someone that would love you and cherish you no matter your past is. If your date can't then he is the right one. Meanwhile, enjoy your single life !!!!. Go to have fun as a single ... alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely.

It is easy to find a guy but it is hard to find the right guy. You have to keep meeting people.

-rh-

Hi Jen,
Chiming in with the others. I'm relating most with what redhat is saying. I'm at the point now where I'm getting involved with a new church, and the Singles activities, as well as some other activities. I'm not "looking" for a man now - btdt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> LOL. I DID have pretty good luck on match.com - went on several dates for fun and practice, and enjoyed myself. Then I found a wonderful guy and we dated for a little over 2 years... now I think I'm trying to end it... I think... hehe. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

But anyway... on the flirting thing... definitely don't be fake... and don't pressure yourself... Just BE yourself. Have you read John Gray's "Mars and Venus Starting over"? It's pretty good.

hugs,
Faith1

Reborn Man,

"You just be the best Jen Brown you know how to be, screw 'em if they don't like it.
Be who you are always....
Somebody will really like that in you, trust me."

That's the way I want to live my life exactly. I am a pretty matter-of-fact, straightforward kind of person, and I can't really be bothered with someone who doesn't like me for the real me, as I am here and now.

rh - It's good to hear from you! Thanks for the encouragement. Indeed, I try to enjoy my single life. It IS good to have the freedom to do what I want, when I want for the first time EVER in my life! I would predict that, as it was for you, I will find someone nice when I am not consciously looking. I would ideally like to meet someone through a friend or a friend of a friend, somehow that seems so much more natural than internet dating. But, that being said, I've been emailing with a couple of guys I've met online in the past week again, so who knows! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Faith1 - Thanks for chiming in! It's always good to hear more perspectives. Good luck with the "ending it", if you *think* that's what you're trying to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I haven't read or heard of that book until now, so thanks for the recommendation. I'll have to take a look for it the next time I am in the bookstore! I did a search for it on Amazon, and it sounds like it's right up my alley.

One thing I've determined after the past few weeks is that when my life gets a bit quiet, and I don't have social things to do on the weekend, I get whiney about not having someone to be with. During the past week, I've been busy with friends and feeling SO much more upbeat and content with life. I just have to make a point of making plans with friends so I don't get all needy and whiney about not being able to meet someone.

Well, happy dating all!

Jen

Jen,

When I was preparing to move to my new home, I was at city hall doing something, and came across a brochure about a singles group that the city sponsors. It apparently is quite large and they have a zillion activities going on. Maybe there's something like this near where you live too. Or if not, maybe you could start one.

You know what I keep hearing over and over again from folks who've been divorced & then found the "right person" for them?? A common thread! Most of them tried hard to find someone for awhile. Then kind of gave up to a degree. And eventually, when they weren't really looking, their special person came into their life!!!

Takes us back to the real deal here. We all need to just "work our patterns" -- live our lives the best we can; do the things we enjoy & do best; focus on improving ourselves and helping others; and then...perhaps when we're least expecting it...a very special person can show up at just the right time!!!

I swear I hear this every week from someone! Even my Mom is starting to remind me of this often. She senses my loneliness & frustration with the dating game.

I also subscribe to the belief that the One who said it is not good for mankind to be alone is also in the business of providing a special someone for us in His timing!

High Flight

Yes High Flight, I wholeheartedly agree with that. I know if I give it up to HIM, that I will be taken care of.
It's just that, I get selfish, and I want for things sooner than he is willing for me to have them.

I do try to practice this, but I find myself being selfish and wanting it in my time.

It must be, that when we are not looking or trying, that we look more confident, and that is appealing to the onlooker.
After all, no one is attracted to the desperation mode.
I guess when I get to this spot, I will have conquered myself, and then I will be the whole person I need to be.

Karona

i have been on match for about 6 months and i am now just feeling comfortable with dating....i did get a few practice dates in....met 2 keepers for me...went out with 1 for nearly 5 weeks or so...it was fun and a learning experience...i found that i could care for someone still and that someone could and would find me appealing....

still looking very casually ....

Reborn man has got it. You do things that you like to do alone. You take classes, volunteer and do church activities if you can. I was out there many years before marriage (I wasn't even married at your age) so I can tell you, just do your own thing and let them find you. It only takes one special person-don't force it. That never works. Support groups, etc. You need to just get into a bunch of things that you spend time at so that you can get to know someone. In all my years out there-that is the best way.