Grove,

Your W just said she doesn't want a divorce!!!!!!!!!!

Grove, your wife just said she doesn't want a divorce!!!!!!!!!!

Did you hear that?

Then why are you pushing it?

The only reason she doesn't believe you are going to change is because she hasn't seen enough of it yet. That means the stuff you were doing is having an effect.

C'mon, take this opportunity to keep getting better at this stuff.

This is like straight out of "Survivng an Affair" Buddy...

She doesn't want a divorce because something is telling her not too. Deep down she is seeing something in you and is at least willing to hang around long enough to see if...

Yep, she's right you'll never change?

or

Nope, I was wrong, he can change his ways.

This is good news, not bad news. If you are done, you are done. There is nothing I could say to change that. I just want to point out the marriage may not be over Grove.

You can't stick it out, really Plan A'ing your A$$ off for another month? 2 months?

Alright then. I guess you all split and share the kid...whoopee

Rebornman

My W made a similar statement...leaving the ball in my court. Eventually, after thinking for a while I just got mad. Then I realized "What the f, she wants me do the hard work for a D, I will have to do everything and all she will have to do is sign some papers. There she goes again trying to make things easy for herself. Then it will be me left with the guilt,the regrets, and all that other crap that comes with a D -- all on my shoulders." See, I realized my WS knew me, she knew what my reaction to the A would be -- to D her. As is usual with WS's she was again manipulating me, but this time I did something uncharacteristic of me and didn't react like I normally would -- I put my pride, and ego aside. I told her I want to save my M, and I don't want a D. If she wants one them fine she can go ahead and do it herself, and I won't stop her or drag it on. You know what...she didn't do it. In hindsight, that was risky but back then I didn't think I had anything to lose. Now I'm happy I took that chance, it was worth it. I plan A'd and she came around, she is committed to saving our M. Oh we still have a very long way to to go still, but one day at a time. She still works in same place as OM, there is rare professional contact, however she is looking for another job (cross fingers something comes along). I've been working on me, and it's making a difference because I don't let her have as much power over me as she once did.

In the end Grove the choice is yours, and do what is best for you -- if you decide to stay you already know it is going to be [email]H@LL[/email], but it will get better. When I saw what you W said I just wanted you to be aware of my experience. I hope this isn't taken in a bad way, Grove.

Take care,
fG

I've been lurking here for almost 3 years - posted a little when my ex first started his ea - I can so totally agree with Grove. I know where I went wrong in my marriage and I apologized and did everything I could to change myself in the year and a half I had to live with him loving another woman. Nothing mattered. He did nothing to repair the marriage - told me that he loved her and wanted to leave me to see if she would leave her husband - verbally abused me -treated me like I had cheated. It was the worst year and a half of my life. I finally asked him to leave - after he told me in front of her that nothing I did was going to change his mind about her. He worked with her - refused to get another job etc. I can tell you that when he left it was a relief. I didn't have to hear how it was all my fault and that he didn't want to be with me. Did I want a divorce - no - absolutely not. I wanted my marriage - I had a lot of years and emotions invested in it. Did I love my ex when he left - yes I did. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I'm not saying that divorce is something everyone should do - far from it - was not my first choice at all. But I also believe that staying in the marriage is not for everyone either. Sometimes it just will not work. So Grove - I am sorry you are going through this and I can tell you it was the hardest thing I ever did. But sometimes it is the only thing to do.

happy - very few of us would disagree that sometimes it's the only answer. Not all marriages should be saved.

What we're trying to communicate to grove is that his descriptions of his wife are so, so typical and that while it may seem like there is no hope or reason to attempt to save his marriage, he may be giving up too quickly. That's all. We've seen lots worse cases recovered.

WAT

Worth,
The description of my ex was also typical - same WS babble and everything - but he didn't want to change - he wanted me to change - he didn't see his part in the destruction of our marriage only my part. Wouldn't leave his job where ow was working. It just sounds like Grove's wife is doing the same thing. The only thing that changed was my self esteem - I had none by the time he left. I have met a wonderful man but this relationship is effected by my lack of self worth, Thanks to the year and a half of misery I went through. I am totally for saving marriages whenever possible but not at all costs.