Ive been in pseudo plan A for 7 months. Yes there has been some LB's but Ive been getting better. Found out 2 weeks ago that he continues to email and call OW. Her responses are few
and usually turning him down to meet. WH says that he agrees that he needs to come back home to work on things, but he will not promise me that he will not call or email OW. He says "One thing at a time" Am I an idiot to go along with this?
I reiterated to him that I wouldn't be able to trust him as long as he was contacting her, and he wouldn't be able to be honest as long as he was. He spent two days at home and was just a plain mean bas*#%& the whole time, pissin and moanin about everything. Came to bed without as much as a goodnight. Please tell me that this is an OK approach. If I find out there is continued contact I am ready to file, but in the meantime is it possible to get things back on track when he can't make this promise to me? I am really beginning to believe that he has some bipolar issues, but he won't go on meds. As soon as I pressure him for NC he balks and says....forget it then, I won't even move home to work on things. Personally I don't think the OW is all that in to him, but he keeps wishing. I can either hang in there and hope she will finally blow him off, or her boyfriend will find out.....or I can tell him to pack the rest of his things and get the hell out have a nice life.

What are your boundries?

Do not accept less than a repentant, groveling, pleading, FWS who will do ANYTHING to win you back.

Why would you accept less? And why would you be happy with less? Is he such a prize that he is worth sacrificing your self-esteem like this?

If her boyfriend hasn't found out, WHY NOT? Exposure is a critical element before Plan B.

Plan A can go on for tooooo long. Once it reaches a certain point, the WS begins to learn how to work the 'system' and fit both you and the OP in it, then Plan A just enables the A.

That's what is happening here.

What about Plan B?

Am I an idiot to go along with this?

OK I'll bite... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

justcallme...

you can decide what ever you want...but know what your decision speaks to him about what you believe...

can you accept third party intrusions in your marriage..
is that tolerable to you

but know that acceptance in my opinion is a direct undermining of the vows YOU took...almost as if you are saying...if you can't beat em..join em...

do you believe that marriage is between two people who do you believe there is room for third...

the relationship between your husband and the OP are a direct afront and intrusion in your marriage...
if that is OK with you then condone his contact...

If I find out there is continued contact I am ready to file, but in the meantime is it possible to get things back on track when he can't make this promise to me? I

you already know there is continued contact...

I would tell your husband in a loving plan B letter that we all make and live with choices on this earth...

and be away from the insanity of his attempt at sanctification of continued in your face contact...

if I was offered to take it or leave...
I'd leave it...

and know you aren't an idiot...but you may be experiencing some fog of your own...where are believing that intolerable actions are somehow becoming tolerable....

ARK^^

sweetie---read your own sig line---LET GO OR GET DRAGGED!!!!!

LET GO........

Ark is right...time for Plan B!!!

From: The Plan B Czar

I haven't been on the boards much these days so I haven't kept up with your recent postings.

My WH was so adamant about doing it his way too and stopping contact at his own pace. He always told me that. Of course he contacted her more than he was telling me but never told me that contact had completely stopped. That is until I was a basket case one night and bawled my eyes out.
He didn't know what to do. Then he put his foot in his mouth and said Suzy, what is it that you want me to do? I screamed that I want you to promise me you will never contact her again - that's all I've wanted all along. So, he promised he'd never contact her again. He didn't know what to do with me at that point except promise NC because I was such a wreck. He was not ready to stop and of course did NOT stop contact.

Then of course we had Dday #2 about 5 weeks later. It was worse than Dday #1 because I thought I was getting some trust back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that now looking back I have to give my WH credit for not promising me NC at the start when he knew he couldn't abide by it.

He seems like so much more of a rat to me now after Dday number two because it shows that his promises mean nothing.
We are not in any plan right now, accept to give it one more final try at the marriage. He is being pretty good, but I do not trust him at all. Best of luck with your situation!!

Well, YOU are not an idiot. You should NOT be going along with this, though.

I know that when the WS shows any inclination to come home and work on the M, it is sooooo hard to create boundaries and enforce them. However, this is the most critical time for YOU, Homer. You have been through a lot, you have had to take a hard look at yourself, and your actions, and your relationship (in all it's good and bad glory) with your WH ~ all of that is NOT easy to do. You have grown, you have learned.

NOW is the time to take all of that to the table with your STILL-WH. He says, "Well, if you are going to ask me to promise NC, I might as well move out again (or not come home)." You, *sigh* "If that is your decision, WH, then you best not come home. NC is my very first requirement for you to meet before you can live in this house again."

This needs to become a non-negotiable, in your own head, before that message will be transmitted to your WH in a way he fully understands. You must BELIEVE that A and B must happen, before C can be created.

He is basically telling you that HE will grace you with HIS presence (and his presence is so incredible PLEASANT ~ NOT!), in your home, ONLY if you will allow him to have a W and g/f. Those are HIS conditions, he has said it out loud. And you have said, "OK. I don't agree, I don't think it is OK, every fiber of my being is telling me that this is very messed up, but . . . OK."

So, Homer, you must gather all your courage, let your fear go (realizing that living on YOUR terms, even if alone, is better than what you are livng right now with him there) and tell him if he is not willing to do NC and work on your M, he should leave.

Then, you need to get on the phone, or email, and let the OW's b/f know what is going on. Will your H be mad when OW calls him and complains about what his W has done? Yep. Just expect it. But it is one of the most critical things you can do to save your M.

Peace to you, Homer.

Spidey

I just typed a response for 10 minutes and poof it disappeared.

Anyhow thanks to all....No I do not want to put up with this.
It is tearing me apart. I feel as if my integrity is being held hostage and my love for this man is the knife at my throat. I do not want my love to be the death of me. I do not want my belief in the sanctity of marriage to be the death of me. My plan good or bad would be to see what shakes out in the next few weeks. See how much time he really spends at home, and if he pays another months rent. Then I will politely announce Plan B that this one foot in one foot out thing is not cutting it. That he needs to dump the OW and face reality with me or all alone. Not sure how long I should give Plan B perhaps Sept 26 which is DDay. Reality is that this man will never be an open book, probably never apologize or admitt to any unhealthy behavior when it comes to our marriage. Personally I think I will eventually just get sick and tired of the BS and move on. I just wish I where there NOW!!! I do not understand why I can not kick his A#$ to the curb. He deserves it so bad. Think I mentioned it in another thread, 2 weeks ago I found out he had asked the OW to meet him for drinks. I found him sitting at a table all alone looking like a lost puppy. (this was before I knew he was waiting for her), she never showed.....Now all I can say was he looked PATHETIC !!!!
I feel bad for him, but I need to feel bad for me that I continue to put up with this.

I told him I was tired of feeling like a doormat. His response "No one likes to feel that way" Ahem...stop wiping your shoes on me then buddy!!! I can't expose to OW's BF because I don't even know her and have no idea who he is.

Hon, why are you going to wait a few weeks? He has already told you what HIS plan is ~ to cake eat and fence sit. No mystery there, he said it out loud.

Spidey

I agree with SS, waht will a few weeks serve YOU except to deplete your love for him...it is already dwindling.

Make a Plan NOW for Plan B or Plan D...take back control...not...wait till he does what he is going to do...

What is your goal, and what are you going to do NOW to reach it?