Please no flames! I've flamed myself more than enough already.
I got caught up in an online emotional affair several years ago. We lived very far apart, but ended up seeing each other a few times and it became physical.
My marriage was already in a downward spiral at that point, and my actions did not help matters. I know for a fact that my husband suspected the affair, but never confronted me. I never confessed. We were both caught up in our own hurts and sins(yes, he was involved in some stuff too) to see the pain in each other.
We ended up separating, and ultimately divorcing. Not what either of us had in mind.(there is sooo much more to this, i'm just trying to keep it short)
Fast forward to now. I am re-married. I still struggle with the pain of divorce and how it hurt me and my children, etc. I can't seem to give my best in my new marriage as I am still greiving the loss of my past marriage. Sometimes it seems unbearable.
Is there any benefit to coming clean and confessing this to my ex? Would this help in the healing process? Would it only serve to cause him pain?
We are both Christians. I've been on my face before God over this, but I've never actually confessed to my ex. Is there any point after all this time?
BTW, I guess I should mention that I ended up marrying the online friend. However, before you start throwing your poison darts, I ended the affair not long after I was separated, and we didn't hook up again until the divorce was final.

Ok, I'm going to put on my flame-retardant armor suit now!

Thanks for listening!

CSB,

Wow, have you given counseling any consideration? I suspect that's going to be your answer. You have alot of baggage to wade through before you can start to heal yourself.

Yours is a great post in the sense that what you're saying is that marrying your affair partner wasn't all that you thought it would be.

Many, many WSs need to hear this - especially those firmly entrenched in the fog.

Steve Harley is particularly a great marriage counselor - he is very kind to WSs and I am sure he could get you started on the right path. Take action - don't sweep this under the rug - you may compound your past mistakes if you don't get the right help. Blessings, CSue

Edited to add - In a perfect world, do you think you would divorce your existing husband and try to work on your first marriage?

First of all welcome to MB. It is quite brave of you to post knowing you could possibly get 2X4'd. Well, you answered that question before I could ask. Don't try to justify marrying the OP. It doesn't help your xH or your children. As a Christian, I believe that you are to ask forgiveness of both Jesus and the man you sinned against. Look, I understand avoidance. I had an A and never told my H though I had many opportunities to do so. Someone else ended up telling him and that hurt him more than the A itself!

Are you and your current H in MC? Have you done IC? How long between the marriages was there?

I am not trying to justify the marriage to the OP, I just wanted to clarify and let ppl know that I didn't leave my 1st dh and run straight into the arms of OM.
We were separated for over a year, and I was in IC. I told dh that he needed to go to IC before we could work on our marriage. He has some addiction and responsibility issues. He never did. I gave up.
My heart is truly broken, and I grieve this loss every day. I'm not trying to glorify my A. I play over and over again in my mind, all the things I should have, could have done. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat.
My divorce was final in 2001 after 1.5 years separation. I re-married in fall of 2003.
Current H and I are not in formal MC but are seeking godly counsel from friends, etc.

To answer your "in a perfect world" question in a word........yes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

However, I need to say that our divorce had a lot to do with other issues. It may not have worked out anyway. Even today, he is not the man I fell in love with. He seems to be struggling with addictions, etc. He won't work or take any finacial responsibility for himself or to his children. Yet, I love him dearly. I pray for him constantly. What else can I do?

CSB,

I for one am not here to judge you for your past decisions, but what I see is multiple issues all wrapped up together that spells dysfunctional relatiohships.

You need professional help to not only come to terms with your past, but to guide you on your way into the future, so you don't compound your problems.

Did you attend any alanon or AA type meetings when you were with you 1st husband?

If so, you'll know what I mean when I say you can make amends to your 1st husband without even actually making any contact with him. I've forgotten which of the 12 steps it is...but are you with me?

Before taking any action - examine your motives. Do a reality check to insure you know WHY you're doing what you're doing.

But honestly, I see a need for IC - if for no other reason than you owe your children the very best role model you can be.

Thank you for your words of advice.
Part of the problem is that exH hasn't owned up to what I believe is, at the very least an internet addiction. I knew something wasn't right the last 2 years we were married, but I didn't realize until much later, what it was. I have evidence to back that up. I'm not just throwing something out there to justify my A or anything. Anyway, this issue wasn't addressed in our marriage. We both let it fall apart before either of us could get up the courage to confess. It breaks my heart that we were soooo afraid to be honest. We were such a "good Christian family" before all of this.
My motives are what brought me to this forum. That's why I'm asking the questions. Do I confess to heal, or am I just hurting my ex? Does it make spiritual sense? I've confessed to God and been forgiven. That's not the issue. I feel a tremendous spiritual oppression at times. Is this why? Or is it just hormones?

Ok, ok.....I need professional help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I see that after reading this. hehe

CSB,

Glad you still have your sense of humor.

In my belief system, I feel that the answers to your very good questions already reside within you. The very deepest questions especially the ones you posed are not lightly answered by any other person.

A very good IC will guide you in the process of discovering the answers for yourself. A good IC will not tell you what to do. Instead they will help you peel the layers of dysfunction back until you've reached your true self.

And it is that self that has all the answers to your deepest questions.