Hi. My name's Greg. I've been in one of the most rewarding, fulfilling partnerships I've ever had. I can't say marriage, b/c it's a gay partnership, but I've been reading posts on here for a little over a week after discovering this site and have found that relationships are pretty much relationships no matter what the set up.

I'm writing to you tonight for hope that many of you would take the time to give your feedback, advice, or whatever thoughts you have. I'm at a loss right now, even though I've read Plan A and B and am doing a combination of both, with my partner right now not very happy with the Plan B disconnect.

I just turned 38 and my partner is 39. We are both professionals and well educated me. We both are very attractive guys, but were drawn to each other initially not for the physical attraction (which was at first) but for the values each of us grew up with and still possess.

However, recently I discovered multiple amounts (around 15 - 30) of emails where my partner was on various gay personals web sites and had sent emails soliciting sex not just once but many times (all different men like he was casting his net out there) from June of last summer to as recent as last Tuesday, May 3. This last email was to a guy in Houston. We live in Dallas, not together yet, but for the past year we spend every single night together at my house.

I discovered these emails b/c I suspected something wasn't right with my P (partner). I logged on to his hotmail account after figuring out his password. Let me just say this has not been our first incident, second incident, but were going on our third. I had just confronted him with the Friday before after some deep prodding on his part b/c I'm not very good at hiding my feelings when something is wrong (or likewise when I'm happy). He could tell something was up and asked. We were in bed and it was late. I decided if someone asks then they want to know, so I spilled what I discovered. My DSL had been down, so I was using his computer and that's how this latest investigation started.

As he held me close, he sincerely admitted he doesn't really know why he does this, but then proceeded to tell me everything I wanted to hear (planning our future together, looking for a house, never meeting a guy like me where he's felt this secure and fulfilled.) Let me just say, I don't doubt he truly does love me with all of his heart. He was extremely sincere and spoke from his heart. We spent the rest of the weekend together non-stop and had very intimate moments. I thought things were finally coming to a head and going to be different this time. But the very next Tuesday morning before he left on a same day biz trip, I discovered he had logged on to his MSN account where he has a profile and two adult groups saved as favorites (Double JO Fraternity and one that's very specific to a sexual act C2C). God has blessed (or cursed) me with a great instinct and gut feeling. I guess b/c we had been through this 2x before that I had doubt in the Friday late night heart-to-heart talk. I also thought it would be a good time to check his email since he wouldn't have access to his comp all day being on his trip. I had suspected since there was never anything there on his hotmail account, that he would receive them at his work comp and immediately pull them down and delete them both the email and the anything he had sent.

But this time, he wasn't there to do this and I found an email from a guy in Houston. He was replying to the email my P had initiated. These emails are very detailed in his body description, what he prefers sexually, and on this one, if the guys was interested in connecting when he would be down in Houston May 19-22. The guy responded in kind with the same topics and saying that he would be interested in meeting.

When he got back home later that afternoon, he called me letting me know he was back, and then about 30 min. later he called about 3x back to back with the third one a long message confused, upset, suspicious, and a little bit angry. Although he couldn't confirm it, he was pretty certain I may have seen the email response and the initial email of his. I didn't talk to him for the rest of the week. Then finally broke the silence after he messaged me at work (granted not a phone call or even coming over)apologizing and feeling probably embarrassed and trapped. He says he doesn't know why he does this, but assures me he never has acted on these types of searches. Like I said before, this isn't our first time dealing with this, each time having incredibly good talks, and then we go through a honeymoon period where everything's perfect, then I guess we both slip back into normal routines and then here we go again.

Sorry for being so long winded----

This time, I'm holding to my guns so to speak. I've allowed the contact and even made him one of my cards I always make for friends and family (I'm a designer) saying that I wished him good luck at his volleyball tournament and that we missed him. (Me and our two basset hounds.) I attended his tournament, which he loved, saying when I'm there he plays better, even winking at me in between serves, esp. after he made a great play.

He has told me he misses me extremely and wanted to know when he could see me and the boys. I've gone to plan B with incorporating the love and affection of Plan A. He truly loves me, but I can't figure out why he has this need to act out on line like this and he can't answer for anything other than he has low self-esteem and needs to realize he has so many loving poeple around him and he definitely doesn't want to lose me. He attended my softball games Sunday showing up unannounced at my door in the morning wanting to ride with me out to the fields. I politely said we should take separate cars. We had a good time, but there were awkward moments. We worked out together later that afternoon, and then grabbed a bite to eat. We then finally got to sit down and talk about this last incident, which he says was choreographed and orchestrated b/c he had a suspicion I was spying on him. However, this was a real individual with not only one real profile on a gay web site, but three profiles on three different personals sites.

After our talk, he drove me back to my house and asked if he could come in to see the boys. I said yes but I wasn't ready for us to be intimate yet. Not until we are able to see a couples counselor together which he has without reservation agreed to. However, he became immediately upset and distant and almost threatening with he would have to reasses the situation. I later called him when he got home and said I didn't like the way we left each other, and he stressed his not liking us not being able to be together. I asked if he meant sexually, or sleeping together, b/c I also asked we spent the whole day together. He meant sleeping. I told him since we sleep unclothed and cuddle throughout the night, to me that was a form of intimacy and I needed to wait longer. He however is not ok with this, also fearing that the counselor would encourage my stance and we would be apart even longer.

I definitely think he has a problem being alone and most definitely has an addiction problem, however whenever I brought that up, it wasn't received well. But he still couldn't give me a reason other than pressures at work and his self-esteem issues for needing to get on line and solicite sex from these guys on these group sites that he doesn't even know.

Now, he's moved into a stage where I think he's trying to fight fire with fire. Not calling me back when he himself has asked for me to call later which I do. Now I'm the one that is waivering and desire to have him back for fear of losing him forever, which deep down I know he loves me more than he's loved anyone in his life. But I can't go on like this where everytime I turn around he's fallen back online doing these emails. i can't believe him anymore, and I definitely don't believe that he's never acted physically to any of these numerous emails. There's just too many and the odds are too great.

Today, he called a counselor of his and I called one of mine. Mine is a gay counseling agency that has a counselor specializing in couples dealing with sexual addiction and online affairs. It's also more feasible financially. Tomorrow I'm making an appointment. When he didn't call like he said he would tonight (I feel on purpose) I ended with saying I miss you, and he replied he missed me, I also said I love you, and there was no response, then he hung up. I hope he is just holding out from his anger at me not allowing back into our life/family that we had for a year now.

I will end here, b/c I could go on, but feel this is a good start. Again, I apologize for the length, but feel much better getting this down. He has since changed his passwords and I have no idea for future research of what his actions would be.

Signed,
Worried, but still somewhat strong

Troubled,

I guess before you go any further you need to figure out a few things....

One, what do you want?

If you want this relationship are you going to be able to get past...well...the past?

Is it worth fighting for?

No kids, No Joint property, it is all emotional attachment...is that enough for you? For Him?

Think about that for a little and get back here. We can help

RebornMan

My son is gay as well. I know from all the years of his relationships that you have on big problem. Men in general are the aggressors in relationships. Now as far as the computers - he is not really committed to your R. This is something he needs to deal with. He is sexually addictive in his behavior. Are you sure he has not met any of these people he chats with? It is so hard whenyou love someone and become commiteed and find out they are not. You need to go to counseling for yourself. In todays world there is so much cheating. My WH is almost 60 and had a 3+ something woman hitting on him. Why would some young woman want an old man? Money. People are selfish. Now you sound like you are mature and ready for a serious relationship. Ask yourself why you do not behave this way. It is because you are the committed one. I feel so sorry for you. I know how gut wrenching this is. Would he give up the chat rooms for you? Would he commit to total honesty. Buy the book HN/HN I know it speaks about straight couple but the guidlines still apply to couples. It is a very good book. If he is willing to work with you and separtely maybe you two would stand a chance. You are being wise and standing firm - no more chats and e-mails/ commitment 100% / or no relationship. I really feel for you but YOU are worth working for.

Thanks for the help Reborn,
Yes, I've already decided that I want this commitment, and so does my partner. He's just going through withdrawals right now of both not being able to see/sleep/or return to our normal lives together. I'm feeling his withdrawal and resentment right now. He's not calling me when he has told me he would. He is suddenly too busy to talk. It's almost like "Ok, if you're going to play that game I'm going to match it and see how you like it."

I WILL work on getting past the past. Notice I didn't say "try." I believe you either do something or don't.

Even though we don't have kids, property, checking accounts, etc., etc.; doesn't belittle the fact that we are not just as connected as a heterosexual couple that by law is afforded the priviledge of having a document recognizing that partnership (M). I'll stop there b/c I don't want this to get political. I just don't want anyone to not see the equal value of our relationship. I'm apart of his immediate family and he's apart of mine. We go beyond just mutual friendships together.

So the comment, "it is all emotional attachment...is that enough for you? For Him?" I disagree with. We have a M just like anyone else both E & P attachment and a commitment. One he has broken.
(Forgive me if I'm reading this incorrectly.)

It's all worth fighting for to me and he says for him too. We are both almost into our 40s and I esp. don't want to return to the life of a single man and what goes into dating all over again unless it's my correct and most smart option. We are each other's best friend, share our families with one another, and have compatibilities like we have never had with anyone else in our past relationship/dating experiences.

Does this give you a little more info to offer your opinion/advice?
I appreciate your help.
g

Thank you for your thoughts Realtor,

No I'm not sure he hasn't acted on any of these emails. Like I mentioned, the odds are not in favor of never having actually acted one out. I'm a man, and I have been on these types of sites when I was single and I'm not ignorant as to how easily and prevelant they are. What amazes me all the time, is the number of men on each one of them, and I'm only talking about the gay sites. There's a site for everything you can imagine.

I agree with you, that he has a sexual addiction. I know b/c as I said, I have gotten on to these sites when I was single. However, I found myself spending tons of time on them. I'd look up at the clock and it'd be past 10 p.m. I hated myself for wasting the evening where I could have done work around the house, worked out, spent time with my friends/or my boys (bassets). It's easy to get sucked into them.

But I made a conscious decision to just not even log on anymore. In fact I deleted my profiles, and even the favorites link on my IE. Plus it was easy for me to see how wonderful my life was with everyone and everything in it.

I am wanting and ready to make a serious commitment to someone that I love. I dread the thought of returning to the constant monotany of disappointment after disappointment of the dating scene. Plus, it takes a very long time to find someone who is compatible and lives with the same values as you. I thought I finally had found that. And for the most part I did. If it just wasn't for this secret/addiction. My partner feels the same was as I do and knows he has a good thing and doesn't want to lose me.

I tried the plan A part of exposing the OP, but in my case it would be exposing the multiple emails/hook-ups, and he was very troubled by me going outside of our partnership and sharing our issues with others. But we are pretty much a model couple in our communities eyes. Everytime I turned around this weekend, I would hear, where's your partner/husband/other half?

I chose to take a few of those opportunities to just say simply: "we're separated right now and working on some issues, but still are best friends." I did this a few times (probably about 4x) to different people who knew us. Evidentally, word has spread around quickly back to my partner. I hope I'm not damaging our chances of working on reparing our Partnership/M. But that's the only exposure I thought I could do in my situation. Obviously it's worked like it's supposed to for he didn't like that other people knew what was going on.

I can't answer your question about him willing to give up the emails/chat rooms. He's been confronted by me on this 2x before and look where I am. However the previous times, we just talked about it and he promised to stop. Now I know it's an addiction, and know what I'm up against. Plus I'm dealing with it this time with a lot more attention and fervor on my part. It didn't take long for him to realize that it wouldn't just be a simple talk and meaningless promise and we're back together again. My actions have shown I mean business.

However, I'm starting to struggle as recently as last night with feeling the strong need to have him back both physically and emotionally. But when I start feeling this way, I just pull out all those emails and reread them. It helps.
Thank you for your words,
g

It's OK Sooner, you did read it the wrong way. Was just pointing out that it IS all emotion, just like a hetero couple with no kids, no property and the like...

Sometimes NOT having those trappings makes the decision easier either way, whether it be to stay or go.

No politics, I'm a libertarian so I really couldn't give a rat's behind what you do or don't do in your home.

Anyway, I don't make that distinction when it comes to this stuff....Emotions is Emotions...it's still hurtful.

More later...just didn't want that hanging out there.

RebornMan

You're right. You're dealing with an addicted partner. He says whatever he needs to get you to stay. He orchestrated the emails cuz he suspected you were spying? Not likely. Think of it as being married to an alcoholic. What would be your requirements for the relationship? What would you require your partner to do?

Did he ever promise to stop?

Most people would need their partner to admit to their problem. He would need to express his desire to stop and then he needs to take action. I'm glad you guys are going to counselors. That's the best first step.

BTW, you can't do Plan A and B. It's either one or the other. And they don't work on addicts.

Thanks lbc,
I was wondering if and how Plan A & B would be appropriate given my situation.

Other answers to some responses:
Yes, he's promised to stop. When asked why he did this, he says he gets a thrill out of it and a feeling of control, but he never acts on any of them. He says he's never met anyone he's emailed. But I find this hard to believe. His emails were very straight to the point with the usual specific body stats (weight, height, waist size, eyes/hair, even endowment size, and specific sexual acts of preference). Like I mentioned in my first posting, it was like he was casting a net out on the Internet with the number of emails from June to present and each email message virtually the exact same content.

I also found searches he had done which ranged from "dc, houston, muscle, etc." which correspond in my mind to his biz trip to DC and Houston.

Here is also some correspondence we recently had that may give you a better perspective:

partner: I miss you. When can I see you and the boys? (our basset hounds)
me: we miss you too, i miss you
partner: I am sorry for what I have done and put you through. I do not want to lose you.
partner: We can talk about it all this weekend?
me: thank you for saying that, it does make me feel better that you feel that way
me: that's why I love you, b/c you are a thoughtful and caring man
partner: I am working to improve my self esteem and to accept the wonderful things in my life.
partner: I am blessed with loving people in my life and need to recognize it more.
partner: So, I am prepared to talk about commitment and future...
partner: :-)
me: I also need to say that I'm sorry for what I did, invading your privacy, believe me, it made me feel dirty and ashamed, but I needed to know, and again like you said, we need to talk about all of this
partner: My corrupted correspondence you discovered is a reflection of my self esteem as well as distorted way to fight perceived authority. Although the language of the corresponded read one way but was intended for another. Like you say, we can talk about it this weekend.
partner: But, I am sorry nonetheless..
me: not quite sure I understand your last message
partner: I am tired today and probably am not expressing myself well.
partner: We can talk about it this weekend.
partner: What are your plans tonight? (last Friday)
me: I'm going to the gym and then doing some work around the house, but would put that off until sometime later in the weekend to talk
me: my practice is tomorrow at 9:30 a.m.; but hardly anyone will be there b/c a lot of guys on the team are in the vball trny
me: regardless of our outcome I was going to come and watch you play to be there as support, b/c no matter what you will always be my deep friend
partner: OK I am happy that you are coming to watch.
partner: Tonight, I will be very tired: from last night's birthday party; working today; the gym later on, etc. Plus, I have been restless about not knowing if you were going to call me. And, to top it all off, I am having some issues at work.
me: it's up to you
partner: So, I thought I would either go home and get to bed early in order to get up early; or, if I come over to your place, I would need to get to bed early. If you are going to clean, etc., then the noise may be too much.
partner: I am going to work a little late here tonight and leave around 6-7ish to go to the gym.
me: if we don't talk, then I think you should continue to stay at your house, until our conversation can take place
me: I'm ok with that
partner: OK, that sounds good.
partner: I am patient.

I wish my son would meet someone - he has been looking so long for someone to commit and be honest with him.

I believe when you are committed to a R/M you do NOT go looking. I believe you spend extra time on yourself, home , work or spouse. I do not feel I am wrong - I believe this is one way to not stray. Have you told him how Pain this causes you. Have you asked him just how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. How do you think he would react if he found out you were doing this. Not recomending this just ask him and ask him to be honest with his answers. I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I know how it feels for a committed person to find signs of infidelity. It is shattering. I was in many many pieces for months. If he is serious then he needs to see a counselor speicalizing in sex addicttion. Maybe that will help or one with chat additions who can help. Keep talking maybe that will help. Do you think it could be because he is almost 40???

Dear Troubled,

I'm sorry to hear that such a situation has brought you to this website, but you're certainly in the right place for help in your relationship.

As for as Plan A and Plan B, the first part is to show your partner how much you love them and that you can meet their needs, then you go into Plan B to save yourself from more pain and to let them think about how much they miss you. It's important to stay in Plan B until your partner is willing to recommit to the relationship.

It's also true that you can't have a proper Plan A or B if there's an addiction problem in the relationship. There's an article about addiction somewhere on the site. It talks about how using these plans only furthers the addiction along. The addiction needs to be addressed before there's any hope to make the relationship better.

(Please understand that this applies to all relationships, straight or gay.)

I think that it's extremely important for your P to agree to and go to counselling. You might find a group like AA that deals with Sexual Addiction in your community. There's also a recommended reading list for sexual addiction somewhere on the site that will suggest some books to help.

What your P is doing online is more than just an EA (emotional affair), it's an addiction. Living off the thrill he gets by emailing other people about sexual things is a serious problem. If he's not willing to admit that he has a problem and get help for it, then you might be better off walking away. Yes, it would mean that you'll have to go looking for another partner to share your life with, but if your choices are find another partner or continue getting hurt... well, you get the idea.

From another perspective, let's assume that you have a sister. She has been in a relationship with a man for about two years. They don't have kids, but rent an apartment together. If she found out that this man is an alcoholic, but would not admit it, would you not suggest that she get help or walk away? What happens when her man gets behind the wheel drunk? What happens when he makes the wrong comment to a lady in a bar? There is so much that can go awry when there's alcohol involved.

The same applies to your man. What happens when the thrill of getting a response isn't as thrilling? Maybe it will take another year or two, but he might decide that he needs to meet these men in order to get that same thrill. Then, when that doesn't feed his addiction, maybe he gets physically involved. Addictions do not just go away - there's no incentive to quit. You need to be firm.

There's a section in the concepts about radical honesty. That means sharing all of your history, thoughts, plans, and all that. It means that your partner does not have any secrets. In a marriage there is no privacy, only secrecy, and when one partner feel they should have privacy, it's usually because there's something to hide. You and your P should be exchanging passwords for everything.

There is a ton of great information on this site. I would strongly suggest reading all that you can. There's so much that you can do if you're both willing to make the relationship work, but first your P has to work on his addiction.

Cat

P.S. If you guys decide to get married, you can always come up to Canada. When I started to get information for my marriage licence I came across all of the requirements for gay marriages right on my city's website <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />