ncw,

Please don't fear that you will say something that will hurt us (I realize you probably mean me). I can distinguish between something said out of care and something meant to inflict pain. I hate the thought of causing you worry or distress.

Whatever your reasons for helping us, I'm grateful. I still wonder why I am always reminding everyone of someone they know.

I read your post in the "dusty old thread". It made me realize something. I realize what it is that makes me so sad. It's hope.

I know that Patriot must wonder why I am taking all of this so hard - when others have certainly done worse things to me. Initially, I thought it was because this was the end of a long line - the final straw. That is not the reason. It's hope.

Always before, I knew that Patriot was out there for me - long before I ever met him. I always held on to the belief that there was someone out there meant for only me. I could have described him. I knew he would love me, would understand me, and would accept me. I even imagined some of the qualities he would possess. I waited for him, and the hope that God would give me that gift someday carried me through many painful times.

When I met Patriot, I recognized him almost immediately. I really did just KNOW. The fact that he came along just after the most painful event of my life was only further proof to me. It was like God was saying to me "THIS is why all of those other events happened...I was preparing you." Every painful experience of my life, up to that point, had shaped me to be the mate that Patriot needed. I thanked God daily for creating Patriot to love me.

Then D-Day happened.

Only, this time I don't find hope or comfort in the knowledge that the person God created for me is out there. I don't imagine that he is out there somewhere, waiting for our paths to cross. I know precisely where he is. He's in the other room - "reading a post in flat mode"(I know - I just checked).

God did create me and the events in my life that led me to be the person Patriot now needs. Those events taught me patience. They taught me how to love unconditionally. They taught me how to forgive and how to accept - all the things that Patriot needs from me now.

I never imagined that the gift was not for me, too. I thought it was, but it was for Patriot. This time, there is no "someone out there". This is it. Sure, maybe Patriot has learned so much through Recovery and is less selfish than he was before and can be a better husband than he otherwise would have been able to be. Maybe, through MB and all of the wonderful people we have met here, we have learned so many skills that can enable us to have a marriage that is much stronger than it ever would have been, without the A. You know what? THE PRICE IS TOO GREAT! It doesn't make it feel like much of a reward anymore. It feels like a cruel trick.

Patriot told me earlier today that he knows he destroyed my life. That isn't true. It wasn't my life that he destroyed...it was my hope.

We will implement your "report card" brainchild. I think Patriot is going to create some for us today.

You inspire him, and he loves the idea of spiritual intimacy, as you so eloquently put it, as do I.

We often pray together at bedtime now. I love the way my husband prays. I love to hear his strong voice as he seeks guidance from the Lord and thanks Him for the blessings He gives us.

Pep,

Your post has me truly stunned.

I have been racking my brain since our last exchange, trying to figure out what went wrong there. I asked Patriot...

"Did I make her mad? Does she believe her words are wasted on me or that I am truly a lost cause? I know she DID like me because she once told me she did. Maybe now that she has "gotten to know" me better she has a different opinion of me."

He said that you were the only person who knew. I considered just asking you, but I didn't want to intrude on your privacy by calling you out to do so. I still don't - so I'm not asking.

I just wanted to tell you that it touches me to know that Patriot and I were in your prayers.

Froz

froz,

Both you and Pat have some raw feelings right now. And attention, time, and effort TOWARDS each other is the path to heal them.

You say you believe in God, I would ask, do you believe in the devil? Do you think there is actually someone out there who's intentions are to DEVOUR what is good between you?

It's a scary thought. When you finally learn the devil is real.

I was on another thread posting about James 4:7. The devil doesn't flee until we resist. That is an active word. One of our biggest mistake as Christians is that we tend to think about the devil REACTIVELY instead of PROACTIVELY. Which means something bad happens BEFORE we start resisting.

Some of the most PAINFUL events in my life occurred AFTER I received my salvation. What's up with that? I was in the CLUB, man. God should have been watching out for me. What happened?

Frankly, I was enjoying my new relationship with Him so much, that I forgot that there was someone with a keen interest in taking me out. The devil is finite. Powerful, but finite. He has to pick and choose his targets carefully. His two favorites are young Christians and comfortable Christians.

Do you know that during my A#1, which had some horrible moments as people here can attest, NOBODY knew. Not my family, friends, work. NOBODY. It did not affect me AT ALL to where I was not the "light" God called me to be. And for certain reasons, I could do nothing to "help" with the pain. ADs, drinking, anything like that. The only people who knew were people on the board, for I was posting.

It did not affect my perfomance at my job. As a neighbor. In my church. Not one bit. Hurt like heck. Where did my strength come from? God.

And I KNEW the attack from the enemy was coming. So I was braced for it. At that point in my life, I had quite matured as a Christian and PROACTIVELY resisted the devil. Sadly, my wife did not. But the Lord SURE helped me because of it.

See the point?

Ask Patriot. In the military, during "quiet" periods, your time is best spent PREPARING for the attack. You assume an attack is inevitable. And that preparation serves you.

It is the same in Spiritual Warfare.

Like Pep praying for you, she was your covering. And there is lots of power even in that - but more so if you actively prepare.

And I don't mean you pray things like "In case Pat has ANOTHER affair, Lord please prepare me...." That might actually speak it into being. PROACTIVE would be "Guard the hearts of my family, Lord, so that they may continue to resist temptation."

NCWalker prays that way. For himself, his family and his friends.

NCWalker has 3 boys. 14, 8, and 5. I am ALREADY praying for their wives. That they would be Godly women of fine and noble character.

NCWalker covers the days yet to come, and prays where he is led, no matter how silly it seems to me. Like Pep's long distance covering of you two. You never know who you are helping.

NCWalker sometimes even annoints the entrances to his house to cover it against the enemy.

I take the enemy very seriously. I have learned he is there the hard way. And I will NOT allow him to bring ME down. Or my boys, while they are in my care. I submit, then I RESIST. And it makes a difference.

Knowledge of an "attack" usually comes after the fact. And you are feeling the pain of it now. How much time do you spend covering against the next one?

That is what I would challenge you to do.

Don't know if that applies. Felt sort of led to say it. Still working on the other issues I promised.

NCWalker

PS - Sorry if it sounds funny to you. It is VERY serious to me. Scientfic proof or not, it has made such an impact in my PERSONAL walk, I know it to be true. It IS a spiritual battle, a walk. See my name? The NC is not North Carolina, or No Contact. It is for No Chance. Because even if it seems like there is no chance, I can "walk" it out with God. It certainly is THERE froz, you just have to walk and get it. God is pleased with the steps you take, not where you start or finish.

While I do realize that if you believe in one, you must also believe in the other. I have a difficult time with it, though - in part because it frightens me and in part because it seems to take the focus of the responsibility off someone's actions. "The devil made me do it" - that sort of thing.



Warning heeded, and challenge accepted.


The only thing you said that sounded even remotely funny to me was this...

What's up with that? I was in the CLUB, man. God should have been watching out for me. What happened?

...and that was only funny to me because I can relate! Also, you have a way of speaking sometimes that allows me to picture you in real life, having a conversation with me.
I always think pictorially. I don't know if you have mentioned your age recently, but in my head you are in your late 30's/early 40's (you have to be older than I am because you are so much wiser), and you are tall with a slender (but not skinny) build. You have dark blond/light brown-ish hair that is cut short, but not buzz-short. You don't need glasses to see, but you do wear them when you are studying dilligently. You have light-colored eyes (either blue or green). You have strong lines to your face - a defined jawline, with a softness to it. Your posture exudes a confidence that can sometimes make people reluctant to approach you, but those that do never regret it.

At least that's what you look like in my head. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have a mental picture for everyone. I often describe them in vivid detail to Patriot. Probably, the only acurate mental picture is, of course, Patriot's.

He looks strong, very masculine and capable. He has NO HAIR (I hope I don't get into trouble for this). He shaves his head and it complements him. He has the most beautiful smile - it truly warms my heart. His smile is the sort that makes the outer corners of his eyes crinkle like he is smiling on the inside, too. He always looks the best with his "5 o'clock shadow" (even though when he kisses me it scrapes my face - I call it "bearding me"). His face looks pleasant and boyish and because of his demeanor and kind ways, people often find themselves telling him things that they wouldn't tell others. He has a witty, hilarious, intelligent, silly sense of humor. His masculinity and confidence make me feel safe in his presence, and he has sparkling, amazingly bright blue eyes framed by thick, dark lashes that look like fringe. He also wears glasses most of the time (all the smartest people do).

I feel honored by the fact that you shared the meaning behind your moniker. I naively thought it stood for something along the lines of "Nathaniel Clement Walker".

Also, Patriot designed some report cards. He did an excellent job on them and we will begin utilizing them tonight. He also read to me from Ephesians, and he read two Psalms.

Froz ... this is something you might want to remember ...

Not everything about the way others treat you is all about YOU ...

What other's choose to do is about THEM ( in this case, me) most of the time, if not all of the time.

My stuff is all about me and not all about you.

Learn this now and be a happier person for it.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pep,

Odd, isn't it, that that's the way I often perceive things?

Almost like the kid who thinks their parents divorce is all their fault.

I'll be ALL OVER taking responsibility for something bad.

I will, however, RUN LIKE HELL from taking responsibility for something good.

I wonder why that is...

Thanks for pointing it out.

Now I'm chuckling...Don't read if you don't want me to ruin your picture.

I always think pictorially. I don't know if you have mentioned your age recently, but in my head you are in your late 30's/early 40's (you have to be older than I am because you are so much wiser),
dead on. But my extra wisdom comes from pain and being observant. Also, learned the lesson to grow MYSELF young. I'll never thank God enough for that.

and you are tall with a slender (but not skinny) build.
dead on

You have dark blond/light brown-ish hair that is cut short, but not buzz-short. You don't need glasses to see, but you do wear them when you are studying dilligently.
Wrong. I am ex-military. It IS buzz short. But it is JET black. Or was. I have prematurely grayed. I am MOSTLY gray now - like mid fifties gray. I have to wear glasses all the time.

You have light-colored eyes (either blue or green).
Wrong. Dark eyes. Piercing gaze.

You have strong lines to your face - a defined jawline, with a softness to it. Your posture exudes a confidence that can sometimes make people reluctant to approach you, but those that do never regret it.
Like the sound of that. That is pretty on target. I am very average in size, but come accross much larger because I am exhuberant and have a voice that projects. I can be intimidating. I am outgoing, and usually the approacher.

But the rest is WONDERFUL, painting a picture of your man so

He looks strong, very masculine and capable.
Knew it from his rank

He has NO HAIR (I hope I don't get into trouble for this). He shaves his head and it complements him. He has the most beautiful smile - it truly warms my heart.
Knew this too, in fact, NCWalker is considering shaving HIS head. How 'bout it Pat? Comfy?

His smile is the sort that makes the outer corners of his eyes crinkle like he is smiling on the inside, too. He always looks the best with his "5 o'clock shadow" (even though when he kisses me it scrapes my face - I call it "bearding me"). His face looks pleasant and boyish and because of his demeanor and kind ways, people often find themselves telling him things that they wouldn't tell others. He has a witty, hilarious, intelligent, silly sense of humor. His masculinity and confidence make me feel safe in his presence, and he has sparkling, amazingly bright blue eyes framed by thick, dark lashes that look like fringe. He also wears glasses most of the time (all the smartest people do).

And you know what you are doing? Praising his name at the gates. He won't admit it, but inside he is feeling great that you did this for him.

===

OK. Serious stuff now.


When you get on the verge of a breakthrough, it is when the enemy will drag you back the hardest. Shore up your resolve. Your spiritual intimacy will shine like a beacon. Don't falter, if you can weather it, you will be very in tune to the enemies presence. Sometimes you will walk in to place and "know" spritually. Just being in their. I can spot a dead church a mile away like this. I can also spot a family who talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk just stepping into their home. I just feel it. Eyes can be closed.

An important next step is the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Have it? He is your advisor and comforter.

Stay in your comfort zone, but stretch it. Grow it. Things happen in God's time, remember what happened to Abram and Sarah when THEY circumvented God's timing. Seek with a fervent heart to learn more about Him, and He will pace you. But do not be content with the status quo. I haven't for YEARS and he is still filling me and growing me.

NCWalker

I find the shaved grape to be quite comfy. Also... all the cool kids are doing it these days... you know.. professional wrestlers.. crap like that.

... I notice you already have the "talking about yourself in the third-person" thing down...Now all you need is theme music and some hated nemesis with a crushing suplex.

..lol, anyway... yes.. I like it. Try it. You don't like it? The crap grows back. Unless you are like me. And it was running away anyways.

Froz and Pat.

They are better than the tone recent events seemed to indicate.

What they need now is a bunch of prayer warriors to intercede for them.

They have LOTS of love.

Both are marvellous people.

Let's show them some support.

NCW