Owl,

My niece didn't give my NIL the chance the first time she left to go to OM. She just said she was going grocery shopping and got on a plane instead. When she came back I had hoped that NIL would make those types of things clear to her as you did to your wife. I think he tried, but it came across to my niece as being the same behavior as she was trying to get away from by leaving her husband.

What changes did you have to make in order to make your wife feel comfortable that she was making the right choice in working on the marriage? What change in your behavior did you need to change in order to meet them for your wife?

I don't think my NIL yet has the full picture that he is not meeting her needs. And his off-the-hip demands are not working as they only tend to reinforce my niece's pain that she is not being heard. And OM is there with open arms, willing to talk, always validating her at every turn.

I wish OM would see the spot he has helped to put my niece in and walk away like your OM did. But, no. This guy is so bowled over by my niece (who happens to be very sweet and pretty to boot) that he has said he'll relocate to where niece's family is so she can return home and still be by both her kids AND him. I don't think he's going to back off anytime soon... despite all his claims to be a MORAL man. (Where is that vomit icon when you need it)?

Thanks for your encouragement.

~ Snow

Snow-

Well, per one of my prior posts, the REAL issues weren't as much about us, as it was about the family situation overall, combined with her depression.

The biggest 'change' I had to make was to show her that I really WAS listening to her. She seemed to feel that I wasn't paying attention to what she was trying to tell me. So I put forth more effort in understanding her side of things, and showing her that I understood them. I also had to work harder on ensuring that her and I were on the same team when it came to dealing with our kids. Often it seemed to her like I was treating HER like a kid, or at least it was the kids and I against her.

Those were really the main changes I needed to make. To show her that WE were a team, and that it wasn't her against the world.

Don't take me wrong about the OM in our situation...he wanted her to be with him. And in truth, I think he made a mistake when he told her not to come. He'd been convincing her the whole time that he wasn't 'pulling' her to be with him. He always did the 'devil's advocate' role with her...because it WORKED. He knew that it was the best way to get what he wanted...but it backfired that last day on him. I think that he expected her to tell him that she was coming anyway, and that she was still going to get on that plane. But...she didn't take it the way he meant it, and that's why she ended up staying. God's hand was all over in this, IMHO.

I think that your NIL needs to very clearly communicate to his WW how much he loves her, how much he wants to work things out, and the changes he's willing to make to work things out between them. At the same time, he DOES need to set some clear boundaries and clear consequences if she doesn't follow them. She needs to recognize the CONSEQUENCES of her actions as well, and see what the positive alternatives are in working things out with her H.

Hope maybe this provides some fodder for you in this battle.