Hiker,
First, I saw your wishlist somewhere and I am
jealous.
The joy of their presence and the excitment of their nature is what makes me feel complete.
Given what we are after is self-examination, reconsider what you typed. And make SURE you meant this.
In simpler terms, you have said "My partner's happiness is what makes me happy."
That ALMOST means the next logical step is that their sadness makes you sad.
The behavioral goldeen fleece IMHO is "Giving unconditionally makes me happy."
Where does Hiker stand? And he doesn't have to agree with NCWalker. We're baselining here, seeing what makes each other tick and hopefully BOTH coming out better on the flip-side.
not for what the other person can "do for me" but for the possible loss of that relationship
But see my golden fleece above. If you were in it only for the giving and it goes, you are not losing anything. The fact that the loss of the relationship is a loss, REQUIRES that you were getting something. What they "did for you."
Now that is not necessarily bad. Answer this first, do your relationships fulfill your needs or wants?
(And NCWalker DOES struggle with the definition of emotional needs - are they really needs, or wants? Someone (perhaps JL, or TMCM, summed it up well, not needs for survival, needs for a strong relationship)).
Point is Hiker, you need to take a long look at them. It is OK to be "getting something" but it should be a
blessing kind of a thing, not a
sustaining kind of a thing. Only then will it be healthy (meaning NOT co-dependent).
Spend some time learning to meet these NEEDS on your own steam. John Bradshaw's "Championing the Inner Child" is a marvelous series - books, lectures, pick your format.
This sense of loyalty made it very difficult, nearly impossible to reveal details of the A and the identity of the OW. When I realized that this loyalty was misplaced and the one who most deserved my loyalty was Mrs Hiker I shared the information W needed including the ID of OW.
I understand this sentiment fully, and I don't disagree as a matter of course. But in the vein of self-examination, I'm going to make a strong statement. (Once, I heard that when we are getting angry, God is trying to talk to us. I find that to be sometimes true.)
Farther above you stated that it is not because you are getting anything. But the loyalty professed (and you realized it's impropriety, a good thing) was to the one you thought was giving the most. Either that, or you were in the affair for self-abusive reasons. This is kind of contradictory logic.
Hiker, I really don't mean to incense you. My SENSE from the tone of the post is that you are about to put your finger on something VERY important in the definition of who Hiker is. But haven't fleshed it out, or completed the framework. I'm throwing a few stones. More to see what falls and what stands. For what stands will be the truth.
Breaking that loyalty left me with the reality that the relationship with OW would be gone forever. Of course this was back in the "fog" but the emotion of it was none the less real.
HEALTHY HEALTHY HEALTHY. You see that you are NOT what you feel, but what you do. Doesn't mean you don't feel, only means you are not defined by your feelings. Only urged by them.
Real "intimate" relationships have always been difficult for me;those relationships where I was able to gain a sense of trust and accptance.
Nothing insightful from me here. I can only state the obvious. If the "House of Hiker" is on a firm foundation, it can better withstand the relationship with Mrs. Hiker.
I know that there are many "weeds growing in my garden." But sometimes they are "green" and even have "blooms" that confuse me. I know that is when I need a good gardner or neighbor who make me aware of the junk that needs to be removed.
I absolutely LOVED that Hiker. That is like cool on MANY levels. Rom 8:28, for one. Yeah, God can make a weed beautiful. Or you can find the joy in any circumstance. Or even the adulteress in the Bible could be redeemed.
But the confusion part - try this on for size. Sometimes the devil will give you something GOOD to keep you from the BEST. We all need to tend each others gardens, and give each other a fresh perspective. Keeps us honest. Keeps us healthy.
You are on the verge of something good. A big revelation. I can feel it. Keep fighting and keep looking at yourself.
NCW
I re-read this and am not happy with it. I'm going to post it anyway. You keep posting the "Theory of Hiker" and we'll keep asking questions. And when the dust settles, something good will be there. We're not there yet. I can't remember, are you in IC? Something needs to be dislodged. Not sure what. Not making sense anyway.