Guys,

Since I made a realization last week, I have had a peace over me, and I wanted to share it with other FWS's as many may not have made the realization yet (I know many have, but some may not have)

We are the FWS's - we tore apart our spouses, destroyed who they are, who they planned on being, we shattered their worlds. All for our own selfish needs and choices. No matter what the problems were leading up, no matter the state of mind we were in (depression, anger, etc) WE made the choice to do this, and our spouses deal with the fact that we intentionally caused harm to them, when we were supposed to love them.

We come out of the fog, and realize how much we love our spouses and how much we stand to loose, and the remorse and regret and shame is almost unbearable, many of us contiplate suicide. We have no one to blame but ourselves.

We begin a path to better ourselves, and our marriage, but we are a step ahead. We want the marriage to work out, and we try so hard to work on the marriage, forgetting that our spouses are a step behind.

They are still shattered, they don't know if they even want the marriage. We feel we have it all figured and are healing, but they are confused, lost, still hurting. We expect them to be happy that we are in the marriage now, but how can we?

This is where the FWS needs to realize - it's NOT about the marriage early in recovery. The marriage may not make it. If your BS is still there, just trust they are there for a reason - YOU. But don't push it past that. They may not stay in the end - accept that - it may be a concequence to your action. But realize that until they have healed, the marriage is not the focus - meeting eachothers needs cannot always be the focus. Your spouse is angry, hurt, bitter, resentful - how can you possibly expect them to meet YOUR needs when they feel this way - for heaven sakes, we had our needs met ELSEWHERE, and now we come back expecting them to meet our needs off the bat - when NONE of their needs have been met for a VERY long time. And despite their needs not being met - they have not gone and had them met somewhere else, as we did. They did not put this hurt on us, we put it on them, and ourselves.

So, early in recovery, it's the time to meet ALL the needs and more of the BS. A sort of "plan A" so to speak. Yes it may seem to suck that you must egg shell walk, that you have to control how you feel, that you have to grin and bear any lashing out or your needs not being met - but what a BETTER way to prove you are commited - WOW - your needs are NOT being met, but you are doing EVERYTHING to meet your spouses, and while your needs are NOT being met - you are being faithful - you are not having them met elsewhere. Your spouse in time, will see this, and when it's time, THEN will it be time to work on the marriage, THEN will it be time to meet EACHOTHER'S needs.

So FWS's - know your BS's needs - and they may change day to day, but be aware of those changes, it may be confusing, it may be painful, but remember that you are only in this situation due to YOUR actions, and now it is the BS's turn. Don't voice your needs, don't critize, don't argue. Be the perfect spouse - give your BS EVERYTHING they need to heal - tell them EVERYTHING they need to know. Get ALL the help you need to BE that perfect spouse - come to MB's - seek IC if you are having problems with your needs not being met, but DONT make it about you - as it is NO longer about you - it is about the BS - and YOU OWE IT TO THEM!

And in time, as the anger subsides, and the trust begins to rebuild, only THEN will the BS be ready to start meeting your needs too - this is NOT your time FWS - this is THEIR time.

Now I know this isn't for all couples, as many BS's are meeting their FWS's needs right off the bat - but I KNOW this relates to a great many of us out there.

BUT - this is also - just my 2 cents worth, and my opinion based on my revelations and experiences and my own personal journey.

Since I have come to these terms, my life isn't as much of a roller coaster. I can weather out H's moods and anger, and be there for him, without getting defensive, without arguing, without being SELFISH - as my SELFISHNESS is what got us into this mess. A SELFISH wife isn't what my H needs, he needs the wife that will be there for him, and help him through a time that he isn'tsure he will get through, a time HE DID NOT CHOOSE to be in, a time I PUT HIM IN.

-ds

******

Edited to add - I know I am not perfect in this realization - this weekend I was sick with a bad cold, and found myself critizing my husband for little pet peeves he does that make more work for me or things harder for me, even in a joking matter, they hurt him, and he reminded me how uncomfortable they make him feel and how it immediately reminds him of the person I was in the fall. I chose then - since I was grumpy and couldn't control things, to go to bed, where I couldn't hurt him, until I could control my grumpiness. It's a CONSTANT continual CONCIOUS effort FWS's and it's not easy - but it's important - it's A MUST. Soon, I bet it will become habit for you, so when it's time to work on the marriage, you will know how to make your spouse happy! HAng in there !

I would give almost anything to hear my WS say and mean those words. I don't really want to inflict additional pain or shame on my H while trying to heal from his A (and which resulted in OC), but I want him to acknowledge the degree of pain I feel and what an awful thing he has done, and how he is truly sorry and will do ANYTHING to try and meet my needs. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, as it gives me hope that it is possible for the WS to have such feelings.

I'm not a WS, but your words will be just as meaningful to BSs - giving them hope that their spouses can "get it" too. You're doing very well, DeeplySorry. I'm holding good thoughts for you and your spouse.

Best, pendragon

Thank you pen - for your thoughts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I truly appreciate it!

-ds

Thank you for sharing. It's a profoundly healing message for me as a BS. And, no, none of us are perfect. But if WSs are in denial about the whole thing..don't work on holding themselves accountable...there will be no effort put into change!

This was very hard to read because I am the WS (first) and then, soon after, the BS (a month or so). What you wrote helped me to see where I need to improve, but also emphasized that I have needs as a BS that are not always met. It's hard to be the WS/BS because from one end, I am being selfish and need to care for him more, and from another, I am healing from my own pain. Sometimes the pain of what I did to my dear H cuts me to the core. And, there are times where I think I cannot breathe from the pain of what he did. I am trying to be there for him, but sometimes need him to be here for me so badly. Thank you for writing this. I think it helps people on both sides, no matter which one you find yourself on.

Aww Improving - i couldn't even imagine being both! (((HUGS)) and I hope things get better for you - hang in there!

-ds

Thank you. It is very confusing. I am further out from withdrawal, so I feel like I need to be strong for H as I know what it feels like to be where he is at. And the fog is gone for me, so I am seeing very clearly what a mess I made of things. I have all the guilt and stress from that and then there is my broken heart too...

just bumping this for myself as my 2x4 reminder to get control of my emotions today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OMG, you have enlightened me to my FWH. He has said things that you've just shared, like how it was HIS decision to come back to the marriage after the fog lifted and he realized how he was throwing away a great marriage and didn't really love the OW. That insults me bc here I am struggling with my fear and resentment to work on the marriage. That is MY decision.

His fog-lifting was about a month ago. You're right, its like he's steps ahead of me and keeps asking that we forget about the past and move forward with the future. And as much as I try to act like I'm okay and work my best at the marriage, I know I'm not completely healed bc I have outbursts of pain and recurring nightmares. So far, my FWH says he understands that I'm still healing, but I wonder how long it will last. My biggest fear is never getting over his infidelity enough to have a happy marriage.

bumping this for my own reminder...as it was a bad weekend.

And adding for my own notes...

As much as I desperately want my needs met, and argue sometimes for them - i cannot give my H a reason to argue. It makes matters worse, as then my needs come out and he doesn't want to hear my needs.

From the advice of my very wise father...do not bring up my needs, when he brings up how he feels negatively about me, say, I am sorry you feel that way and walk away. Do not allow him to keep throwing every problem and blame to me having an affair, for my own sake...continue to pray, continue to heal, mend and change for the better, follow my role in life that God has set out for me, and live as Godly as possible. And when H's hurt lashes out, don't argue, don't make it worse...say I am sorry you feel that way and walk away. GIVE him the space he needs Dorry to heal...Let him walk down the path you know is wrong, but let him learn his own lessons, stop trying to teach him. Let him have his privacy...and get on with life. Do not discuss any problems, do not discuss your feelings until he is ready for BOTH of us to give 100% to this, and not him just giving what he can.

Until he is at a point that he can give 100% and not just 30% I need to protect my progress, as my healing progress gets set back with every lashout.

I love him, and will cherish him, but I have to draw a personal line at the moment so I can have words bounce off me until he is done and ready.

-dorry

DS, I just came out of IC, and were talking about getting it, and then I read this. Choked me up a bit. Oh how I wish my W would understand half of this. You are a inspiration to hope for me. We are at 5 mos now, and it has been a bad couple of weeks.
I know my story has no bearing on you, but thanks for this thread/topic. How lucky Sprint really is.
I look for your topics, because they are usually filled with hope for what could be. Thank you

bump for new FWW's who are here