While WH denies the fact his career unhappiness had anything to do with his affairs, I am lead to believe otherwise....

From the day I met WH, he had never been satisfied with his career. While his job was stable, it didn't give him that sense he was making a difference. He told me early on that my love for my own career inspired him to go after something he had always been interested in: firefighting. When WH is driven and surrounded by the right people, he is very successful. He aced his EMT class and then was one of 3 out of a class of 12 who actually graduated from a vigorous 6 month academy that began a mere 6 months after we married. This 6 month period of time was stressful on us due to lack of quality time we had together; he was working 9-5 during the week and 48 hours on weekends. Even so, I was thrilled for WH cuz I saw this inner fire being lit which finally was allowing him to be happy with this aspect of his life. I personally never lost site of my love for him...in fact, it made me realize how much I really did love him cuz I constantly missed him.

The next few years brought more stress, however, because he continued his day job and volunteering as a firefighter, giving up activities that we once enjoyed together like running. WH became increasingly irritable as he was stressed at his finance job and was angry he couldn't see that light at the end of the tunnel with respect to a paid firefighting position. Drinking with outsiders (people who didn't really know us as a couple) became more of a norm and he social isolated himself from activities/people (including myself) we once embraced as a couple. I tried to speak to him on several occasions about this but he never was a good communicator and just let his career discontent bottle up internally. He fought in the big Cali fires of 2003 which I believe hurt him more because there he was experiencing the career, helping people out, but he had to return to his real job, a job he hated. His first affair began shortly after this but ended cuz OW moved. He tried to come back to the marriage but his depression spiraled out of control as he couldn't believe that he was engaging in the same immoral behaviors he despised. WH never communicated his problems/thoughts with me even though I constantly would ask what was wrong and how I could help. It was obviously he was hurting and soon after the first affair ended, he gave up on me/us as well as a career in firefighting. The same career/dream I had inspired him to go after had faded and he no longer carried the strength to fight for a marriage or for the career that once put a huge smile on his face. Thus, he sought out OW and left me yet his problems still stand.

WH's current affair, one that began when a '03 high school graduate (11 years younger than WH) exposed herself via webcam on a yahoo chatline, has served as an escape to his problems. He still is in the same career he hates and with someone who hasn't a spec of morals in her young body. Recently, he informed me of his choice to pursue a career in law enforcement which shocked me as I am afraid this serves merely as a means to boost his shattered ego. WH contacted me the other day to inform me of how scared he was about the background check....WH has a hx including DUI and drug use in college. However, I think this interview scared him more because of the choices he has made this past year. I have told WH that honesty, self confidence, and staying true to oneself are the keys to success in life, in love, as well as a career in law enforcement....suppose this could have been a slap in the face but it is true. I am not sure WH is a good candidate for law enforcement after a rocky couple years where he has not been honest, confident, or true to himself. At some point in time, I may be interviewed. I am torn because I really want WH to find a new career, one that will contribute to his sense of happiness but I am not sure he is the right fit based on the immaturity he has shown this past year. Thoughts?

Muels

Muels:

Seems like you still haven't "let go" fully. In all honesty, you will need to let your WH deal with his own messes and the consequences of his actions. It seems that deep down in the recesses of your heart you still want to "rescue" him from himself. The poor choices that he has made in his life (DUI's, drugs, cheating on you with a barely out of HS girl) are his, and his alone. All of this stuff speaks for his character. He is who he is. I think trivializing his actions as "immature" is probably a gross underestimation.

As much as you still want to |"save him", you can't. He didn't cheat on you because he was dissatisfied with his job, or anything like that. Judging from your posts on this board and HIS LIFETIME ACTIONS, his character and behavior during the "good times" in your marriage were more of an "abberation" for him, then the affairs and other stuff.

I am of the belief that EVERYONE usually gets what is coming to them in this life. It doesn't really matter whether you think he is cut out for law enforcement or not. MOst "fakes" get figured out eventually. If you are interviewed, I would just be 100% HONEST in describing your WH's ACTIONS during the entire course of your relationship with him. I tend to think there is too much verbal B$ spewed on these boards. Actions speak, words don't.

Those are "just my thoughts".

LM

kjb - my H has become very, very successful in his field over the last 15 years or so. The higher up he got, the more he felt entitled to ignore me and spend time with the girls. When we were just starting out and had little for the first 10 years or so, our relationship was great.

I don't think there's any correlation between job success / failure and infidelity.

Mulan

I really think you might have something here with this correlation. I can definitely see how it relates to my WW. I have been in minor league baseball for 17 years, including 8 years before we were married. I have always LOVED my job, even with some of the ups and downs. Frankly, after getting married, I loved it even more. The marriage gave me even more of a reason to excel, which only increased my satisfaction. I was very happy, great job, what I thought was a great W. I counted myself as a very lucky person. My WW always made comments about wishing she could find a job that she loved as much as I loved mine. I think it made her feel that her life wasnt what it should be. I told her that I was extremely lucky to be in the position I was in and that most people never have a job they love as much as I love mine.
WW got her degree after we were married. I insisted that she go back to school when we got engaged. I shouldered most of the financial responsibility while she finished up. After graduation she became increasingly dissatisfied with her job. She was of the opinion that with her degree she would start moving up the corporate ladder quickly. As she became more dissatisfied with her job, her performance grades started dropping and she was very unhappy with her job.
I think she sought out the advice of OM, who according to her, was very successful in her department. OM then left to go to another company. Shortly thereafter, he started recruiting her to the new company and the A was on. So, yes, I see this all as being a part of the perfect storm so to speak that allowed this situation to develop. Of course, a person of higher moral quality would not allow this situation to escalate to a full blown affair. Its amazing how the devil waits in the shadows for his opportunity.


"the wheels are turning on the last train to Amsterdam"
Ray Wylie Hubbard

Thanks for the reality check LM...have had a few friends, including one who, prior to becoming a FBI agent, was a divorce lawyer. I am sure he has done a background check on me as well as my WH since he does undercover work. I have a feeling he knows a lot more about WH than I do and he mentioned the fact that WH's true colors are shining, that he had changed "for the better" upon meeting me but now is reverting back to his normal ways. It is just hard for to swallow and I still really do care about him...hate to see him continuing to dig these holes in life. Part of me can't get over the thought that I am supposed to be this angel overlooking him, making sure he gets on the right track. I guess I have done as much as I can and really have to concentrate on my emotional recovery from this blow.

Cheers,

Muels