I would like to open up a new discussion here on a topic that has been bothering me for a while. Putting aside the fact that we characterize the outcome of MB as a success either way, I would like to define succees for purposes of this discussion as a WS returning home and starting recovery.

Here's the issue: in SAA, the W has an A, and eventually leaves the home, and the H eventually withholds monetary support. We are the opposite of the SAA couple. My H had the affair, not me, I had to leave the home (please don't argue this one, it's a long story and nothing I did wrong), and my H has all the $$.

In short, there was absolutely nothing that I could withhold (like the H in SAA) that would give my H any discomfort or make him miss the comforts of home/M with me (except my company, which he replaced in various ways w/ the OW and prostitutes). It seems that the couples who have succeeded here are more like the MB couple -- meaning that they were able to withhold something to make the A less comfortable.

So, if you're opposite of the SAA couple, and have nothing that you can withhold, is R much less likely?

Pardon if you have explained this point in another thread. The great strength of MB forums is that the varied (and very smart)posters often offer suggestions that may not be apparent to the immersed BS. If the entire story is told, a much better and complete answer may be offered as a solution to your individual situation.

I would urge you to be as detailed and forthright as possible and then sit back and prepare to be astounded at the wisdom thrown at you.

Butter:
I'm not so sure SAA says what you are indicating.

I think, during PLAN B, the WS is deprived of the ENs met by the BS. Financial Security is just one of those ENs.

It’s not to withhold “stuff”.
Let the op (try to) fill everything but they cannot be you.
Your spouse married you for many reasons and this is what is being withheld.

Plan B is simply to separate the bs from all the crapola while the affair is going on.
It is not to try & withhold stuff from them.

So, if you're opposite of the SAA couple, and have nothing that you can withhold, is R much less likely?
Plan B tends to not work as well with shorter marriages or marriages without children.
Plan B tends to work better for longer marriages and marriages with children because there is a shared history.

If the marriage was never good to begin with, it has less a chance of recovery.

So, if you're opposite of the SAA couple, and have nothing that you can withhold, is R much less likely?
Would you really want him back if he only came back because of the stuff you could withhold from him???

Mimi - Yes, I agree, SAA does not say this, I am just opening up for discussion the theory that the more cards the WS has (or can replace), the less likely the BS is to have Plan B bring the WS home. Perhaps I'm not saying it well. I agree with you that any BS in Plan B w/holds EN from the WS and lets OP meet all EN. I guess my point was that if WS has a lot of resources (not just financial, but that helps obtain other resources of EN), as opposed to a WS who has fewer resources / means of obtaining EN, does that make recovery less likely?

Cymanca - I apologize if I sounded abrupt, I just noticed what I thought might be a trend that I wanted to discuss. That trend being whether a WS w/ fewer resources (financial or otherwise) to meet ENs apart from the M is more motivated to return to the M. I may be completely wrong with regard to this trend/tendency.

As far as the home goes, I could not afford it on my own, and my H took legal action to force a buyout or a sale. I counseled w/ SHarley on this issue and he said don't sell (I couldn't afford to buyout or pay mortgage on my own) let H live in the house, it will remind him of me and some of the memories we shared there. H has said that it does remind him of me, so SHarley was right (unless H is being dishonest). The reason I wanted to take that issue off the table is because it was addressed here and w/ SH and I wanted to focus on my theory. Again, sorry if I sounded abrupt.

Chris - You make some good points. I do not mean "withhold" literally as in punish, I meant it as in withdraw and let OP fill all ENs and WS is free to see that the grass is not necessarily greener and they may miss BS. And I don't mean "stuff" literally, and in material stuff, I meant the ability to obtain alternate sources of EN fulfillment. No, I don't want my H returning to me because of withheld stuff and that is not what I meant or what I thought SAA said.

....Well, it's obvious that I did not express myself very well. I really wanted to discuss this issue, not how I wrote the question. I'm sorry I wasn't more careful in how I worded things - I guess this is why I don't post much on here. Nevermind and thanks.

***I do not mean "withhold" literally as in punish, I meant it as in withdraw and let OP fill all ENs and WS is free to see that the grass is not necessarily greener and they may miss BS. And I don't mean "stuff" literally, and in material stuff, I meant the ability to obtain alternate sources of EN fulfillment.***

Well, it's a chance you take when you go to Plan B.

I think what you're really asking is, "What if she's just plain better at filling his ENs than I am? What if she's got more to offer? How can I compete with both an OW *and* a bunch of prostitutes?"

I can only say that he did marry *you*, and that you have far more shared history with him than she does. You are simply going to have to take the chance that Plan B will make him see things differently and make him realize that he is trading a family and a loving wife for a skank and a pack of wh*res -- and that even if it doesn't, you will still be okay because you will know you did all you could and do you really want a man like that anyway?

Is that what you were asking?
Mulan

That's why its important to do the best Plan A possible.

You need to leave the WS with good memories of you, otherwise the only memories will be negative.

I'm currently doing the best Plan A I can before the possibility of going to a very dark Plan B.

Andrew

I agree with Mulan and the others.....it's not the "stuff" you withhold.....it's you, and your particular attractions that your H fell in love with in the first place.

Hence, good Plan A. Leave them with a good "taste in their mouth" of you. Let OW try to fill your shoes.

A good Plan B will do that, along with your WS finding out that you can go on, be happy, and get on with your life without them. They (WS) would generally not like that at all.

And, as I have found out personally, unless you go completely dark, and do this for the duration (until their befuddled minds come back to clarity of the REAL situation that their life will become without you), you will have nothing but false recovery on your hands. And renewed pain for you.

It also protects what love you have left for your WS. If false recoveries happen, the love you have for your WS is then "beat to death". Until there is nothing left.

Anyway, that's my way of looking at it.

K

***A good Plan B will do that, along with your WS finding out that you can go on, be happy, and get on with your life without them. They (WS) would generally not like that at all.***

I think this is more the gist of Plan B. In many cases, it's effective not so much because the WS finds they can't go on without the BS -- it works because the WS learns that the BS *CAN* and *WILL* go on without the WS! That's usually where the real shock to the WS system comes in.

Butterscotch, *that* is why you need Plan B and *that* is what it will do for you -- and it won't matter one bit how many OWs, girlfriends or hookers your WH has got.
Mulan

Thanks for the input everyone. I was trying to figure out the probability of my WS wanting to work on a real R with me based on MB examples. I know that those things can't be predicted; just trying to prepare myself for the worst.

I did a good Plan A - it could have been better and I wish it had been great, but now the time has come for Plan B. It's a very sad time for me and I'm still shocked by recent events that are causing me to come to the Plan B point. Maybe I'm in denial as to who my WH has become. As I said in another post, hope dies hard.

Thanks again.