Hi- I am new to the forum and I appreciate everything this website has to offer so far. I am going through a definite rough time with my girlfriend at the present moment- something that has lasted for nearly a month now and I need some sort of direction for guidance.

A little background of our relationship- I am 27 and she is 25 and we have been dating seriously for over 2 years. I recently finished business school and she is well into her career. About one month ago, I made a terrible mistake of lying to her about a female classmate of mine and our friendship. NOTHING has ever happened between the classmate and myself; and I can truthfully say that I never had the intentions, temptations, or even thoughts of emotionally or physically cheating on my girlfriend. I am not making any justifications for lying because I ultimately know that it was a grave mistake on my part. I lied because I know how my girlfriend is and especially of her temper. She has a terrible habit of believing what she wants to believe and acting extremely irrationally to her emotions. There have been times when we have argued over absolutely nothing- yet, I definitely feel the consequences from the arguments. To make matters worse, I can say that she is extremely emotionally abusive in our relationship and purposefully make outrageous comments that have demeaned my own identity, self-worth, my family, and my religion.

I did not lie to protect my classmate but I lied to protect myself. I was a coward to state the truth despite knowing that I did not emotionally or physically do anything wrong. I was merely afraid of her reaction and confrontation- something that I would do anything in my powers to avoid. My girlfriend caught me in my lies and is accusing me of cheating and destroying the trust between her and I. Despite my apologies, she has not forgiven me and is still in her outlandish thoughts of the worse of me. Most recently, her temper reached out of control and her abuse manifested physically when she hit me to the point of drawing blood on my lip. At this point, she finally realizes the degree of her emotional (and now physical) abuse on me yet is still hung up on the fact that I lied.

I love my girlfriend very much and I had planned on marrying her in the future... but I am tortured and feel as if I am unfairly treated in this situation especially when her emotions are extremely volatile. One moment I can feel as if we are progressing in the relationship, but in a split second, her mind will change. It will change over anything- depending on her mood and what she thinks at the moment. Despite attempting to calmly talk to her about the issues, she refuses to see the big picture and understand exactly what she's done and what she's doing to me now.

It is now one month since everything has started and I don't know what else to do. Her family and friends all know that I truly do love her and have been one of my biggest supporters. However, no one knows about the abuse and I am ashamed to even admit to it. All I want is for her to understand where I am, understand how I feel, and understand that I love her. This is extremely unbearable as I am feeling like any progress I accomplish is quickly squandered because she's in a vicious cycle of her own lies and perception of reality.

We are planning on attending relationship counseling but I can't help but think that she's all but given up on our relationship. Her language, style of communication, and attitude all indicate so. I know objectively I should leave (and my friends who knows what has happened all encourage me so)- but it is much more difficult when I feel so strongly for her.

What do I do now?

Sometimes, the most loving thing a person can do is to end a relationship that is not healthy.

Not just for yourself, but for the other person as well.

And I would suggest that you get not into relationship counseling, but individual counseling. Why? So that you can figure out why you want to stay in a relationship that is abusive to you.

Why you feel her opinion of you is so important that it destroys your own self-image.

Two books I'd recommend you read are Boundaries and Tough Love both can offer insight and information on how you can protect yourself from someone elses abusive behaviors.

Loving someone does not mean they are allowed to treat you abusively or disrespectfully nor does it mean that you have to stay and take it.

Here on MB, many people use PLAN B, which is basically what Tough Love and Boundaries is about. You remove yourself from a bad situation until they change those behaviors, in this case, if she refuses to change her behaviors then you end the relationship before you enter a marriage saving yourself a lot of heart ache in the future.

There are worse things than being alone, being married to someone who is abusive is one of them.

I should point out that my girlfriend does want to improve on her temper and change her destructive behavior- whether it'd be for the relationship or individual, i'm glad to report that she has the heart to change. She also understands that paramount change is absolutely necessary if we are going to salvage our relationship. However, I should have indicated that communication is of my greatest concern. Especially with discussions revolving around the topic of lying, they can quickly turn into a vicious cycle of unprogressive conversations.

How do I break that cycle and discuss with her effectively? How does one learn the cycle of forgiveness?