Hi, My name is Will. I posted last week on a different forum, but got no responses. I figured maybe it was the wrong forum at this time(Divorce/Divorced. Well, i've been married for what would be 5 years in October. Now i'm jumping from house to house living with family members. My wife said she had had enough of me and wanted a divorce. I never thought in a million years that i'd hear those words. But, almost 3 years ago we had our only child. When my wife was pregnant she was miserable and that's understandable. But after our daughter was born this continued for a while. She would push me away when i tried to put my arms around her and just was very cold to me. She said it was because her hormones changed and I lived with that answer until i was so depressed I started taking vicodin for a back problem and became addicted. This went on for 3 months until i told my wife. This broke her heart because i lied to her. So i went to a detox right away and came back to the same household. Things hadn't changed and I went back to taking vicodin to forget about it. The bad part is that it worked. And i never had a substance abuse problem before. Well, after about a year and a rehab later i just stopped taking it. I thought that life was looking up but whenever me and my wife would argue over something small she'd throw my drug problem in my face. It was getting harder and harder to forgive myself. And I started wondering if there was a different reason she was still emotionally cold at times and not as happy as she used to be. I didn't go back to vicodin but I started thinking she may have been cheating. To this day she says no and after being kicked out i finally believe her. But since the accusations i've done a lot of stupid things to try to get some satisfaction out of my life and my marriage. But I just kept giving her more ammunition to throw at me until she couldn't take it anymore. I never cheated on her although I did go onto a chatroom and talked to women every so often. It wasn't all the time but she found out and said that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. i never denied any of this but didn't come right out and tell her either. The thing is, i would do these things w/out covering my tracks. And i don't consider myself a stupid person. But if i didn't let it be known somehow the guilt would eat me alive. The thing that bothers me is that she doesn't see her part in all of this. I'm not looking for an excuse for my actions but I can look back now and see where it all started. I know i'm not 100% wrong and i finally can forgive myself after it was all thrown in my face one last time through an e-mail the other day. I told her time and time again throughout the relationship that I wasn't getting the attention or affection I needed. She would say i;m just using that as an excuse for my actions. She says if i change it wouldn't be impossible for us to get back together. To me that sounds like false hopes. My childhood had an effect on this as well, and so did hers. Her father left her at young age and she has compared me to him. I would never do that to my daughter. I know i've caused problems and i readily admit them. But since the breakup I have been somewhat happy and everyone says i'm acting weird. I feel relief in some ways. Yesterday I went to my childhood home and saw that it had been totally remodeled and finally looked peaceful. I just smiled for some reason and drove away. I felt at peace for once and i forgave myself for letting it affect my marriage. I can't say the same for my wife. But no matter what happens I still have a daughter. I'm just not sure where this whole thing is going and i'm not sure what to do next. I have been pretty much living in my car while my wife is at our house. She has a friend who is recently divorced who has also been hanging around her a lot. I asked her about divorce papers and what we do next and she says she doesn't know. I don't want a divorce but she said she'll never forgive me. She says she has had 5 years of hell when this started a little over 2 years ago. It's like the 1st 2 1/2 yrs of our marriage never happened. I just started thinking about the 1st 2 1/2 yrs and think it was great. There isn't much more to say but if anyone has any advice at all it would be great.

Sorry for what you are experiencing. Have you gone to Narcoholics Anonymous? Or Alcoholics Anonymous? There might be some support there for the addiction and vicodan abuse.

First thing you need to do is get healthy. Focus on yourself, expecially fighting the drug use.

Next, this is going to sound like bad advice, but think about it: Stop thinking about going back to live with your wife for right now. Put it out of your mind. That is a long-term goal. If you are thinking about getting back with her, and she rejects you in the early stages of your recovery, what will your reaction be?

It might be "Screw her. I was doing this for her and my baby, but she's being a cold-hearted witch. I need a vicodan right now to stop hurting. Tomorrow I'll go clean and sober." So leave her alone. Put all your energy into getting straight, clean and sober.

She has a baby to raise. She can't be mothering you. This is your opportunity to make a man of yourself. There is a goal out there. The goal is to reunite your family. You can't cheat your way back home.

Think of this as marathon training. You're not even ready to register for the marathon yet. Your standing in line to find out whether you are eligible. You fell off the side of the track, your shoelaces are untied, and it's going to take time.

Several years ago a woman athlete came in first in a marathon in New York. Everybody was excited at her success. Then they were skeptical, and dubious. Then they started checking on her. Turns out she had cut through the park and slipped in with the runners at the end of the race. She had not run the race with the other athletes. She was disqualified.

You have to earn your way to the finish line. Coming in first would be getting your family and your life back. Having your wife say "Yes, we are a family again. Come home. I'll wait for you to straighten out." would be cutting across the park and jumping ahead of the other runners to cheat the finish line.

If you go through getting yourself back healthy and whole and financially solvent again, your wife may rediscover her love for you. On the other hand, she may not. You have to be okay with NOT getting her back, and decide to straighten yourself out ANYWAY.

I'm rambling.

I wanted to add that I, too, agree, whole-heartedly that you must focus on YOU first. I strongly suggest that you go to a 12-step recovery program. It will be your saving grace. You will find the support and unconditional love that you are looking for. My husband is an alcoholic and I am so grateful that I have found Alanon (a 12-step recovery program for family and friends of alcoholics). Yes, your wife plays a part in this "picture" but you have no control over what she chooses to do or not to do. Take care of you first...for YOU. Everything will fall into place how it is supposed to.

I wish you the best and hope you post again with updates. Hang in there...and remember, you are only human. It's not about perfection...just progress! Take care!