I have been married for 10 years and my husband had an affair for six months with a woman I know. WE weren't friends, but she had met me before and my daughter, and she knew all about me. My husband and her became close friends, but then I found out in February that they were closer than friends. He brought her gifts for Valentines Day and just gave me a lousy card. He would go to dinner with her, the movies, out to party at clubs, things I wanted him to do with me. We have three young children and I am very busy with them. He says I neglected him and thats why he connected with this woman. Well they were sleeping together and he told me everything I had suspected in our counseling sessions. Well I let him stay, cause I love him and the kids, and he broke it off with her and wants to work it out. I don't trust him, but that will take time. Well, last week she calls and tells him she is pregnant. She takes a test in front of him and it is positive. They go to the doctor and she is about 8 weeks. She doesn't know for sure what she is going to do, but she thinks she will terminate it. But she still loves my husband and I think she might keep the child just to be close to him. He has told me everything and he doesn't want anything to do with her, but i am so hurt by this. He says that me sticking with him and supporting him through this, shows how great a person I am and that he didn't know how much I loved him til now. I was always a good person and wife and mother and he only sees this now because he is in a bad situation. He cheated on me because he felt I didn't care for him and she did, but he has recently found out most of the things she has said have been lies. He feels stupid he believed every word she has said, but that is his fault. he can't only blame her because he knew what he was doing. I am very confused and hurt and in so much pain. I just want to hear peoples opinions on what to do about this situation if any.

Trini,

I am sorry you are going thru this. It is not easy. It can be done.

First off let me say that your husband is full of crap. You are not responsible for his affair. No way no how.

He might have feelt like you were not meeting his needs, well he has a mouth he shoulda used it and talked to you.
He had no right to go outside your marraige. Dont let him dump that crap on you.

Some people that go thru this choose to have no contact (NC) with the other woman (OW) and (OC) other child.
Other people do have contact.
The best thing to do right now is to work on your marriage. THe baby wont be here for awhile. So your H has no reason to be in contact with her.
Once the baby is here and a DNA test has been done to prove the child is his, then take legal steps. Legal child support and legal visitation.
Dont leave it up to them to handle. people get mad at each other and people lie. going thru the courts a judge makes the dicisions. And everyone will have to stick with them.

Marraige counceling is also a good idea. also individual counceling. Especially for him. He needs to figure out why he thought it was ok to cheat. Not the "I thought you didnt love me" crap the real down in his gut reason.


Lori

Thanks Lori for responding. We go to counseling together and he opens up there, but once we are at home I don't feel he tells me everything and shows me how much he cares for me. I am angry, hurt , feel betrayed and stupid. I don't know the "real Reason" why he cheated, but i hope he finds out soon so he won't do it again. This pregnancy is a real wake up call for him cause he wasn't expecting it. We must move forward, but that is so hard to do.

It is hard and it takes alot of time.

Is he willing to do the work?

All of your feelings are normal for this type of situations.

A good book for both of you to read is "After the Affair"

In order to move forward he needs to deal with his "why" he cant say that he wont do it again, if he doesnt know why he did it in the first place.

He needs to talk to you where ever you are not just at the counselors.

Sorry that you are having such a hard time


Lori

I know exactly how you feel, my husband had an affair for a couple of months with a young girl who was 10 years younger than him and a work colleague one he gave a lift to and from work. I found out on the 2nd January 05 and I am still struggling with the baby side of things. We have been together for 18 years and we met when I was just 14, we will be married 14 years this August and have 2 children aged 13 and 10. Some days I am good others I am not so good, I feel as though I am no good anymore and I cannot stand the thought of someone else having my husbands child, it feels to me as though I am sharing him with someone else because of the baby. The young girl he was with lied about everything and is renowned for this. I am very confused and don't know how to cope with this at all it is still very painful after this length of time.

Why dont you start your own thread and ask for support!

My husband had an affair with a girl he worked with and who was almost 20 years younger than him. She's due in August. My husand and I are still together even after I kicked him out (but now he's back) and I am still trying to deal with the fact that some little chicky half his age is having his baby. I too feel like I have to share him because of this baby. He's had No contact with her for quite some time now, but I know once the baby arrives he'll want visitation. That is the part I don't know if I'll ever be able to cope with. It is hard. This is the hardest thing in my life that I've ever had to deal with. But it has made me stong and do things that I never thought I had it in me to do. I have good days and bad days and worse days. On those days I still just cry and cry. But then it passes and I realize that I need to cope with things. I need to be there for our son who is six. If it wasn't for him, most of the time I would be just a mess.

I wish you all the luck. I'm sorry I have no definite answer for you. These boards have taught me that you need to work things out at your own pace. No one can tell you what to do, you need to figure that out for yourself. I know right now that you don't know if you'll ever be able to figure it out...I still don't have it all figured out...but one day the fog will lift and it will be a little more clear for you. It takes time. Lots and lots of it.

Diane