Nothing really "went wrong" things with H and I are still good. However I ran into the wife of the couple that really helped me survive the whole affair thing with H, had lost touch with them over the last year. Come to find out that the Wife has since cheated and left her Husband, abandoned her 4 kids and is now 5.5 months pregnant with the OM's kid. I talked with my friend (the H) and find out that the W is not
working, and is inconsistent in watching the children- since she does not have a job he is working a lot of overtime to keep the kids fed and clothed, and in trade for watching the kids while he is at work, he provides her with groceries and gas. My heart is broken for them, and old memories came flooding back in. Things the WS said were like word for word what my H said at the time. It was like pouring salt on an open wound. I am struggling.

I realize that this is not something directly related to me- I do not even really understand why it is hitting me so very hard. I really need a hug right now. I wish that this did not bother me as much as it does. I have the same mind numbness that I had when i first found out about H's A- only not quite as bad. How can I get that to go away?

Dearest KMEJ -

Why would you WANT that to go away?

That is the pain of compassion for another person who is hurting. Sorta SUPPOSED to be there. Fine and noble character and all that.

{{{{KMEJ}}}}

I do feel badly for him. However I want this emptiness, and pain to go away. I feel for this person who I care deeply about. I love those children and feel horrible that I lost touch with them for so long and have not been there to support them throughout this time in their lives. The pain I want to go away is the flash backs I am having from going through this myself. I feel all insecure right now and foggy. I feel empty and confused. That is what I want to at least subside. Is that bad?

KMEJ, why do you feel empty and confused?

Try to figure it out. Examine that feeling. It's a signpost.

GC

Maybe it is because I never really delt with those feelings when I was going through it. During it all I lived for my kids, and I cried alone if at all, did not want to feel the pain. I felt anger towards the OW but not towards my H, I wanted to go on- for my kids, only my kids. I pretended nothing happened as soon as H decided to come back. Maybe it is a deeply burried hurt and rejection that I chose to pretend did not happen. Maybe I am struggling so much internally that it is finially coming to surface. Maybe it is because I forgot my A/D's yesterday I really do not know.

No. Not bad to want the pain to go. It's pain.

Just making sure you weren't thinking bad of YOURSELF for having it.

Read Rom 8:28. I had to read that again and again. Eventually it stuck.

NCW

I will look it up when I get home- thanks I hope it helps.

I wonder if it hurts so much because that is my worst fear becoming real for a friend.

... could be.

Or the sadness that it happens so frequently.

Or the sadness for the children involved.

Or the sadness that he saw it with your M and didn't see it coming with his.

Matters not. Affairs are senseless and selfish. ALL of them. Just like racism, rape, child-abuse, religous persecution, etc.

Look at the bright side. Sadness at an injustice at least means you KNOW what an injustice is. Means you are less likely to commit one, more likely to be a light. - NCW

Thanks NC! I feel a little better now.

OK. Let me hit you with this one, then.

I am actually happy you only feel a little better.

Sometimes, we get stuck in the mud. In a rut. And we reach out. And it is a blessing when someone shows us the way out of the bog.

Hopefully, I have helped you with this.

But if I rescued you (and mind you, sometimes everyone needs rescuing) and you felt A LOT better, I would deny you the accomplishment of beating your own demons.

Slogging out of the mud, like everything else, gets easier with practice. Your marriage is on the right track. Your heart is in the right place. And you have some demons that were forced on you that you now have to beat. Unfair, I know.

But just think - look at the light YOU will be once you beat them. The "older" MBer's here that make such a difference, why? Practice at beating the demons.

You're on your way, the road is hard, but there is honor there.

THAT'S what Rom 8:28 is all about.

NCW

KMEJ,

From what you describe I feel for your friend also. If he needs another guy to talk to I could give him my email or he could post here if he has access to the Internet.

I've been through something quite similar although fortunately there wasn't any OC involved.

Sorry to hear it has hashed up old memories for you. I think we are all sensitive to sad stories like these!

Miker