I just got done "boasting" on another thread about how happy I am and now I am so down------ I can't seem to shake some feelings so I need a listening soul; I know there are many here.

I just went on a marvelous vacation to Greece. It was challenging, and beautiful and gave me perspective. I enjoyed it thoroughly. But ever since I got home, I have been fighting depression. It comes and goes. It is worse of course when I am tired. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with stbx directly but just those horrible feelings of failure. I have not felt this way for awhile but maybe I do struggle with it periodically.

I feel like everyhing that is important, I have failed at. My marriage failed, my job exhausts me and I never seem to able to keep up with what my boss calls the goals for our office, I have not had a promotion in years, my faith doesn't bring anyone to know God better, and I am basically weary in doing good or doing what is right. Where does it get ya? I am all of a sudden again feeling lonely......wishing to connect with others. That is part of it. I get in this funk and cannot connect. I am stuck in some feelings and can't get out.

I blame these negative feelings on wanting the American dream---a lovely house, a husband to grow old with, a job that satisfies, kids that call me blessed blah blah blah blah but I know that is unrealistic. Those things are not what they are cracked up to be and if you succeed to have those things, they can be gone in a flash.

Being an adult child of an alcoholic and living with alcoholics all my life has made me struggle with emotional "constipation". It sounds gross but feels even worse.

Why does life feel like such a performance trap? that is insatiable?

Well that's my whining for now---hope to unearth some of these cemented feelings and get on with living.

TW

Greece did you think about staying there.(LOL) I know it would be nice but may be not a smart thing to do?
I also feel I have lost everything, but I am still working on where I want to go next. Hey try not to get yourself down when others have failed you, it sounds like you need some me time, do what you like to do. Try to make yourself happy first and the other things should fall into place.
Keep that chin up.

Sounds like you're very tired...and doing a whole lot of grieving. Your trip probably allowed you to forget about things back home for a while. Then...WHAM...re-entry to home space with all its reminders of loss...of house...dreams..job performance...kids..faith.

Are you in IC? Being an ACOA is never easy. Don't talk...don't trust...don't feel...don't tell. Never ask for help! But it's especially painful when those feelings start to crop up...start to break through the emotional constipation. What you're experiencing may actually be progress! You are finally feeling safe enough to start breaking up those cemented feelings. Unfortunately, the feelings include pain.

And maybe you're not "whining", but allowing your very genuine pain and wounding start to come through. Please give yourself a break, and get some type of support for yourself. You have held onto your ACOA skills of survival for many years...and they used to work. But I think that you have the opportunity to learn some healthier survival skills that might loosen up some energy....to find your passion for life. It's scary, painful work..but so is living the way you are now.

Get some rest.....nuture yourself...maybe take a nice bubble bath...have a cup of tea...dream about your favorite places in Greece!

Hi Who----I see you are a Junior member. Are you new to the divorce process?

thanks for repsonding. It amazes me that hundreds view a post but only one or two repsond.

I have real trouble seeing the difference but that thought is trying to break through.

I do feel better---after posting on Wed, I did some journaling and went to Bible Study. I do feel like some things have been unearthed.

Thanks
TW

Funny thing about your comment about staying in Greece. I was inftuated with the owner of the Hotel we stayed at for 3 days. He was the kindest, most enthralling man I ever met (or maybe it was the atmosphere of the beautiful ocean). The hotel was run by him and his mom and he was so kind, serving and the only person in Greece that I could talk to. His English was great. Very European accent--------

I felt like if he would have asked me to stay, I would have lelt all behind. But it was all a fantasy and just silly girl feelings on my part cause he only me treated as a tourist.

TW

Heart----I forgot about this

What is your story?
You sound like you know the codependent way---I have been doing alot mainly cause my mom was recently in the hospital and alot of things are now backing up on me. There are committments like weddings, homework, work responsibilities and things I said yes to months ago that I have to follow through with now. so, yes, I am tired and not having enough chill-out time.

I will work toward getting some space in my life to chill and I do need to be involved in a support group but I am waiting for a Celebrate Recovery group to start in this area. I have been to Alanon and IC and have been working on my codependent tendencies for years. Honestly, I am tired of the work so I have to be careful I don't obsess with introspection and overworking.

Thanks for listening
Carol

OK - I'll bite. I'm one of those who read your initial post and didn't respond. Why? I didn't think I could contribute something useful, other than the fact most people here can probably relate to having emotional ups and downs. But, I don't want to trivialize your unique experience by saying, oh yeah, we've all been there.

I'm sorry for how you are feeling, but don't know what to say that will help.

I am also one of those who read but don't always respond, simply because sometimes there's nothing else to say.

I have that same quasi-depression emotion kick in after I take a vacation, too. As great as ANY vacation might be, it's not the same as it would be going with one's spouse/intact family, etc...So I guess I'm still grieving for what has been lost. Oh well, just some Saturday musing here; and I didn't want to be a drive-by reader, LOL.

Hi TW,

I can sympathize with how you are feeling.Our failures do not define us but what does are our actions,our choices and what we do after the failures occur.Do we learn? Or make the same mistakes? Do we grow? Do we listen to our hearts? Do we allow our feelings to come and deal with them and see where they take us? Are we aware of these challenges God gives us and what we are suppose dot be doing with our lives? Or are we in a continual cycle of depression not knowing where to go or what to do?

I think that we are so conditioned in society today NOT to feel pain or sorrow or sadness.If we do then there is something wrong with us or we are abnormal or we just don't have time to feel down so rush out and take a pill or numb it all with alcohol or drugs,etc.This just could not be further from the truth.We need to feel these feelings,that are not always happy,because they are a means to cope with our overscheduled lives and give us perspective on what really matters.

Have you delved into WHY you came back into depression after your vacation? Do you really think it's just work and what you perceive as failure at things?

The "American Dream" does as much damage,IMO, to people as the fantasy about marriage and stories like Cinderella.Reach for the unattainable.If you have "It" they never tell you the bottom can fall out at any moment.

I am a child of BOTH parents who were alcoholics.My Mom went through AA and is now like a best friend to me and we are very close.My Dad otoh still drinks quite a bit but in private so he is not a falling down drunk.And,I am an "only child" so not only did I have two absentee parents for much of my childhood but also no siblings with which to get any support or knowledge of what I was being put through.I had to figure out ways to survive and I was forced to grow up really fast which is one reason why I believe I am so strong willed and fiercely independent today.I never grew up living to perform for people and I still don't.I care for and do things for those I love but you TW need to figure out what it is in life YOU want and go after it.Not the usual pipe dream we think we want but YOU,as an individual sans a man/husband and kids.

What kinds of dreams and things have you put off for years like many of us have? You must know of something.I stopped horseback riding due to H and kids and taking care of them but I am about to start that all up again,just for me.Also playing the piano and learning a new language.

Your feelings of failure may stem from your alcoholic parent and many other things.Not being able to "rescue" your parent from their drinking and then possibly bringing some unaddressed issues to the marriage or just being married to a Jer* can all help to make you feel this way.

I honestly do think your feelings will pass TW but do take a cold hard look at the why.I still have a day here and there where these feelings that I am not expecting hits me and I am like,"What is this for??" But I try to reason my way through it and discover why it is that I am feeling this way so I can deal with it and then move on.I allow my self to feel these feelings even though they are not comfortable because I know I need to.To me,that is one of the strongest things a person can do,feel their feelings and not try to numb them.I think they can teach us a lot about ourselves.

How are you feeling today? Any better? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

Thanks for responding, all you lurkers, I don't feel so alone and totally weird for my feelings. I guess that is a reason we look to others for support and validation. Thanks for just letting me know you heard me.

OG, you can definitely relate. I think you are right about blaming myself for not being able to fix my dad's alcoholism. I see a pattern now that you said that. I get in such a funk when I do not see the results that I think should be from my efforts.

I know I am in a place of growth, revelation and whatever else I need cause the battle is fierce. After feeling so insignificant, I went to a wedding. Oh joy of joys, that is exactly what I needed to do in the midst of divorcing. It was a my co-worker getting married and I really care for her. I thought two other coworkers were going also but lo and behold, neither of them went to the reception. So there I was at a wedding all by myself and not knowing anyone but the bride. Boy did that suck!!!!!!!! The cocktail hour was the worse. I stood at the bar eating my appetitizers. I tried to be strong and really glad that I could do this for my coworker even though it was hard and since she was the busy bride, she never once talked to me during the entire reception. She talked to someone right next to me. I know that sounds so selfish and immature on my part but it is reality---I felt so bummed out by it that I did not even go to church the next day. The pain was immense but-----I have recovered for now. Learned a few things. I will never stop looking to God for emotional freedom cause there is no where else to turn. He has freed me from the pain of betrayal and given me a forgiving heart so I know that it is only a matter of time He will uproot my feelings of insignificant.
Yes---you are right, we have to feel the pain and yes, so many deny that life is full of pain and sorrows. But some of us have more than our share of pain. I personally am a little sick of it.

I seem to be doing fairly ok today. thanks for asking

TW

Hi again TW,

I can almost "laugh" about it now but my laundry list of woe's that I have been through in my life is pretty long. I am tired of it too but I look at it this way: God keeps challenging me and I am not going to let Him down.Yes some days I am like,"OK,I have had enough!" but I press on.I continue to count my blessings which overshadow the painful parts now.

I'm sorry that the Wedding was uncomfortable for you.Do you think maybe it was more because of your "inability" to be in a crowd and feel secure with *yourself or more of the fact that you just didn't know anyone? Many people definitely do not feel they can maneuver in a crowd of strangers and it is almost something you have to learn to do over time,like riding a bicycle.It took me a long time to learn how to mingle and start up conversations with complete strangers since,more than once,I was put into a position where I was totally on my own.I don't know if you stayed for the entire reception but maybe excusing yourself early may have helped? You know how those things can go on for hours.

Also,I am relatively sure your friend didn't intentionally ignore you.When you are the bride you are just spinning and talking to whomever and working the room.All that while being giddy from just having been married.But,it would also have been nice to have some acknowledgement on her part.Can you talk to her about it? Say something like,"The wedding was so nice but I was sorry that I didn't get a chance to talk to you at the reception" And then see what she says.

By the way,have you actually divorced yet?

O

OG--I did think of asking my coworker the exact thing you just suggested.

But the wedding is behind me now, I have made a decision after talking to other single people that I really must stay away from weddings that I go alone to. I had been invited to another wedding the week before this one but I decided I could not handle it. Thank God I did not go.

Other singles said they could not have gone by themselves. I cannot handle being in social situations alone. No problem with other settings but social ones are too difficult. I do not chit-chat and small talk well. If I have a purpose in a group of people, I have no problems interacting or feeling comfortable. I do have one more wedding this year in Sept but my son, daughter in law and stbx are all going together. I am not sure how that will be but it is a son of longtime friends. It is important that I go cause this is the son of my best friend who died about 5 years ago. Also I love being with my son and DIL and I even enjoy my stbx if he doesn't drink heavily.

I am not divorced. It is entirely my decision and I can't seem to make it. STBX will not make divorce me and I think he is starting to fully regret the mess he made.

Are you divorced yet? glad you are so confident in social gatherings. I guess one could get used to it or learn how to enjoy others in that atmosphere. I don't think I even want to try.....

TW

Hi TW,

I am not officially divorced yet but in the process(s-l-o-w) with a Mediator.I made the decision to file in the Summer of 2004 after it was clear that my WH was still in contact with the homewrecker even though he knew he was on his last chance.I had to take a stand at no more false recoveries.I told him I would not tolerate having the rug repeatedly pulled out from under every time I found out a new piece of information that he was lying and talking to that tramp.

I don't regret my decision at all.I feel deep down it was right.

As for social gatherings,well,for me,I am one of those people that can take any situation and master it,so to speak.I am highly organized and a "task oriented" person.I actually used to fear being in social settings on my own when I was younger.But I have always believed that once you face your fears head on and conquer them,they have no more power over you.But,that's just me.I can really appreciate how that may not work for everyone.It is hard.

I hope that your next Wedding will go well for you.It's a good thing that you can be around your WH if he doesn't drink and you have your son and DIL to be with.I really feel that I don't want to ever see my STBXWH again.I really don't,as long as he is in contact with the homewrecker.Beyond that,I just don't care to know him anymore.I DON'T know him anymore.He is like a stranger to me now.We are leading separate lives despite having children together.But it is going as well as could be expected and I feel great.

Take care TW.I hope you feel better,still~

O