I had an affair and my husband found out in November. The affair was ended immediately and I want my marriage to work. I don't know how long to expect my husband to not care if the marriage works or not. He is now starting to use the affair to get his way in certain situations. I was willing to deal with the feelings he has had about the affair but now he is using it against me in any way that he can. I don't want our marriage to be like this but I feel like I should also have some punishment, but for how long??

Thanks,
Billie

bs, he will be angry and upset about this for 12 to 24 months. The first year is usually the hardest, especially around the 8-9 month mark for some. That is under ideal conditions where the WS does everything possible to faciliate his recovery, ie: is remorseful, open about all the details and ends contact with the OP.

How do you feel he is using it against you? What is he doing exactly?

Melody,

He went on a trip with his brothers and did not wear his ring after he told me he would. When I found out he acts like it is not a big deal. I understand it is not the same as what I did but 2 wrongs don't make a right. I told him I did not want him going on a trip planned for next month because of what he did and he basically tells me I have no right to an opinion on what he does.

bspatterson, why did he leave his ring at home? Did he actually do something wrong?

He took it off while he was on the trip. I don't believe that he did anything, he says he just wanted to feel "free", not look for anyone else.

bs, "free" from what?

Who knows!!! He says one day he wants to stay married and then a week later he doesn't know. Its starting to wear me down physically and emotionally.

bs, here is what I think. I suspect he is very angry and is baiting you to get you to leave him. He is unsure of whether he wants to stay married but doesn't want to make a decision, because deep down he doesn't want to lose you. Your best bet is to not fight with him, don't make demands of him, and just be as loving and reassuring as possible. He needs to be reassured that you value him over the OM.

Some things you can do to help this along is to work hard to rebuild trust. Make sure you never ever have any contact with the OM again. You should also be as open as possible with him and answer any and all questions he has about the affair. Checking in with him during the day will go along way in rebuilding trust.

Here is a good link about this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=3#2696721

But most of all you must be patient and understand the damage you have caused here. While it may be hard for you, it is 10X harder for him. And he didn't volunteer for this. So, hang in there and just try to be patient. Can you send him here to us?

When was the last time you had any kind of contact with the OM?

I have done everything that you have suggested, him holding it against me is a "new" thing. I also think that he is trying to get me to leave him so he doesn't have to be the one to do it and if thats what he wants shouldn't I do it? I don't want to but he says he may always hold it over my head!!

The last time I had any contact was about a month after my husband found out. I told him about the contact with the OM.

bs,

Listen to Mel, she is giving you good advice. May I ask how long your affair was? Was it a physical affair, PA, or an emotional affair, EA, or both? How long were you in withdrawal from the Other Man, OM?

It is not uncommon for around the 6 month time for the betrayed spouse, BS, to sort of act out. What have you two done to recover your marriage? What is your PLAN for doing this and I mean YOUR as a plural. What have you two decided to do to make this a better marriage?

If you have not read the articles here I would strongly suggest it. You need to read about love busters. You need to read about the policy of "radical honesty". You need to read about the policy of joint agreement, POJA. Many things.

Finally, just because you had an A, does NOT mean he gets to do whatever he wants. However, I think you need to consider how you convey information to him. I just sense but I may be wrong that your communications with him is not conveying the message you are hoping to send. When you read about love busters, read about the most deadly of them, the disrespectful judgement. It can cause a huge problem.

So much to say, but we need more information, also do you two have children and what are their ages?

Must go, I hope you continue to post. You will learn alot.

God Bless,

JL

bs, you just need to be patient and a LOT MORE understanding. He is throwing it in your face because he is angry and is lashing out. His feelings are probably up and down every day - he feels like he wants to dump you one day and then the next he doesn't. That is all part of his recovery and is very natural.

His pride tells him one minute he is a chump for keeping you and then his sane voice steps in and tells him he would be crazy to not forgive you. It is an inner battle we all go through.

People do that when they are hurt so badly, so try and be a little more understanding. He won't get over this quick and you can't expect him to act "nicely" when he has been so badly treated. Give it time.

The affair was about 3 months and it was physical and emotional. It was with someone that I had been friends with for a few years, now I know that there was no friendship or it wouldn't have happened. We have been to counseling and quit going because she was no longer helping us. We have no children. I know this is a roller coaster for him and I am deeply sorry for what I did and will never do it again, but I don't know if I can make it work if he doesn't care one way or the other.

Why is he there if he doesn't care? What does he say he is staying for?

Have you answered all of his questions about the affair, bs?

I think he wants to stay married but he doesn't want it to be easy for me. I understand that but shouldn't we both be trying to change things for the better?

bs,

If I may be so bold to jump in here;

You said the counsler was not helping anymore. It sounds like you both need a third party to get the dialogue between you going in the right direction.

Find another MC.

Some boundries need to be set. Some rules and structure established for a REAL recovery.

Sounds like your boy is spinning out of his orbit. Who is talking to him? Did he tell the whole gang when he found out about your A?

K

I think you are right about finding another MC. He told everyone from friends to family which I think is causing more problems. He and I have the problem not everyone he knows.

Can you send him here, bs? Did you read JustLearning's post? He had some very good suggestions. And I agree with krusht about finding another counselor.

How is everyone knowing about the affair causing problems?