I've been here before and I've had alot of great advice. And, now I'm still in Plan A, my WH will come home next month for 2-3wks during his deployment. And, yet there is no resolution. His affair with OW , in my eyes has become alot more than what he reveals. He's still confused, but yet tells me all his dislikes in her but is still confused. Gives me reasons as to why they wouldnt work, but is still confused! He has told me repeated;y that he still loves me. He makes plans for his return, to add to our family, to move out of state to start over, plans of making things better? Yes, this affair has brought so much light to our relationship/marriage. We've come to a conclusion that there was a lack of communication. So, how can we fix it? If he's still confused , he doesnt know wether to stay with his family or move on with her? He begs me to have patience with him but sometimes I think that he's taking advantage of the love I still feel for him? I want to just scream, the pain just stabs me over and over. I do a great job of hiding the hurt, the pain, I feel so ashamed. I want to say that i still have HOPE, I really do , but is it you just come to a point where you realize that you cant fix something that can't be fixed? Is there hope for us? Is she just the loneliness that has filled his gap while he's away a thousands of miles away? Or does he really love her like he says he does? Yes, He's said it all to me,not hurt me, but to be honest on what he feels. I honestly, think he's taking advantage of two women who love him? Playing me, to keep me waiting for him and her while he has her near? How can anyone be so hurtful in playing with so many emotions? It feels like D-day all over again. When will it stop? Does it get any easier? I have so many questions that go unanswered, or do I have the answers but im blinding myself not to see them? I know God would never give me something I cannot handle? but why does it feel like I have no where to turn, I feel like I cant go on? Please help me?

Ok you have been here before but how much do you really know about plan A vs plan B? R U in any type of MC and what books have you read?

Your H is playing you but not deliberately. The A makes sane people do crazy things. His confusion is a better sign than arrogance.

What you need t/d is get stronger. The OW has a hold on him but not a strong one, just enough to cause you grief and a pinch more.

Can you call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling?

L.

I have read Surviving an Affair and curently in his needs/her needs, and I do have the concept of Plan A but I still cant help but do anything but LB's. I'll be good for about 2-3wks and then something will come up like OW emailing me, telling me to let my WH go and let him move on with his true love? I was so upset and so was he. I told him I was giving up and letting go and he begged for me to be patient and when he comes home we can work this out! I check his emails, he changed his passwords but Ive know this man for 8 yrs, doesnt he know I know him better than himself? Well, we have been doing great lately, talking like best of friends, filling him in with the kids lives and them growing up. Well, Im trying to keep some spark between us and since he's been in Iraq , we've been having cyber sessions and they are continuing, but his OW is on leave for a week and I read an email to her requesting explict pictures of her? I really feel he's taking advantage of the whole situation. I know everything about her, well, mostly. But I know for sure she doesnt know about us, our talks and sessions? I wouldnt tell her either for the fear that he'd be upset with me and loose trust in me. I really think he'll come back to his family but would he left her go? There is no MC for him, just church services and talks wtith the chaplin. I will implement MC for both of us once he returns. I am currently in IC and dealing with my child in IC also. This whole deployment has had an impact on my 4yr old. I can just imagine what a divorce/seperation will do, once he returns? It's been 2months since D-Day, I have put myself on AD's because my rapid weight loss, loss of appetite, are taking a toll on my health. I do feel so much better now, keeping the kids busy with tee-ball, soccer, cheerleading and no to mention myself. I also joined an adult gymnastics class at my daughters gym, to help me relieve my stress. Something I used to love to do. Sorry, Orchid if I missed something out, but I thank you for the reply. Please, anyone join in. I can take constructive critisim, hopefully i can implement the advice! Well, i have to! To keep myself sane!

OK, so you're plan A'ing. So my question is this...have you told him that contact with the OW has to end? THAT is the first goal in reconciliation. He HAS to end contact with her. And you need to make that a clear thing to him...that it's not acceptable that he's still in contact with her.

***I really feel he's taking advantage of the whole situation.***

I'm of the opinion that WS who say they are "confused" aren't really confused at all. They aren't trying to "decide" between their spouse and their OP -- they have ALREADY decided that what they want is BOTH a spouse and an OP, and they'll do or say anything to keep that arrangement going for as long as possible.

I don't have much advice here. Only you can decide how much of this you can take, especially with the OW emailing you and telling you to get out of your husband's life. Maybe a *short* Plan A followed by the relief of Plan B.

I'm sure you'll get other opinions. But I can feel your agony and tormnet right through the screen, and I hope you take steps to remove yourself from the situation ASAP. It's a very nasty threesome, and don't ever forget that the other two will keep it going as long as you are willing to be part of it.
Mulan

Thank You, Thank you Owl, Mulan

I have told him about NC with OW.And he wont even condider it? She's there with him stationed in Iraq, he says its because he' lonely and she understands him. He says he's confused he's in love with me , im the mother of his children, etc but that he really cares for her! That both of us have his heart and he cant decide! Yes, I do believe he has chossen and he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. And, just testing me on how long I can hold on. I have told him many times that I want the divore I cant keep playing these games of cinfusion, either he wants to be with his family or not. If he chooses to stay with her, Im moving back home TX and taking my kids with me. I shouldnt feel sorry for his decision? It was his choice, right? He has the rest of the year to be there with her at his side, even if he says he's ended it, I would highly doubt that! He would just be lying!Right now, he has been honest and tells me he's pursuing a relationship with her to see if his happiness is with her? And, Im supposed to sit here, and wait? How selfish is that! He tells me he cries over the hurt he has inflicted on me and would give anything to take it back but he's still confused? He's taking advantage of my feelings towards him and how I want to keep my family together! I'm seriously considering Plan B. He doesnt know I can access his emails, so I cant confront him about that, what do I do? Please, help me?

PLEASE HELP ME!
I GAVE (EMAILED) PLAN A LETTER TO WH AND his reply was I'll respect your decision. He emailed her! No msg, just hello as subject and he emailed my kids :Hi my little ones i want u guys to keep this letter with u always to remind You guys how much i love you. Never have i been so happy then when i came home and my little girl was there waiting for me at the airport and just hrs later my little boy joined me into this world. What ever happenes in the future only God knows why so dont ever question his disision. Just remember i love you and i will always love no matter what. So dont worry about daddy anymore continue doing what you guys have learned to do in my appsence i want u to be happy . Be good to Mom she is a wonderful person love her always more than you do me mother theres only one father any body can make a baby but it takes a man to raise a child. So remember daddy loves you dont forget it good bye.

has he really decided to stay with her? Im afraid he's gonna do something to himself? He does carry a loaded weapon 24/7? PLEASE HELP ME IS IT JUST A CRY FOR HELP? I DONT UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS, I HOPED IT WOULD OPEN HIS EYES, BUT DOES IT TAKE THAT LONG TO BURN THE FOG?

SORRY I MEANT TO SAY PLAN B LETTER

Why did you go to Plan B??? You were not ready for that yet. You need to finish Plan A first. So let's see what you do next.

Let me ask you a few quick questions, since I am a former inspector general with the Army. Then maybe we can get a handle on this!

First, have you exposed tha affair? Is the OW married? Have you notified their commander? I tell you what...he or she (their commander) can stop their affair in its tracks. They will be ordered not to see each other. Adultery is an offense punishable under the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). Is he a subordinate of hers, or is she a subordinate of his? Big trouble there!!

So, let me know the answer to these questions, and then I can help you with the rest. What branch of military? Ranks of him and her? Active duty, Guard, Reserves??

Let's get started. Believe me, it is so easy to stop affairs in the military because unlike civilians, we do enforce adultery laws!!

In His arms.

He might believe that you're willing to follow through on it. You've got a point that there's no way that you can tell if he's still in contact with her or not...but you might talk with the post chaplain, explain the situation, and let them know that you're looking for the military to take some action to seperate them. Clearly it's against UCMJ for them to be involved in this kind of relationship, so you can expect that they're BOTH going to get in a lot of hot water over all of it.

Honestly, I'd seriously think about officially taking this to the chaplain, or to the post IG office. It WILL get your husband in trouble too, but it's one way to 'expose' the A.

Anyone else have a different thought?

I know I wasnt ready and I feel like dying inside and maybe he is, too.

BUt, yes they are both Army Reserve (activated) He just got promoted to and E-6 and I believe she is E-5 or below. They are in the same unit but different platoons. Yes, Ive considered exposing to the miltary but frankly I waould hate myself if I jepordized his career in the military. We both made a commitment to our service and stand by our oaths. He basically said he knows I have him by the balls and he cant do a damn thing about it! (I let him know that I was condidering in exposing the affair to his unit) I actually did try but the FRG gave me the wrong email address to his commanding officer. How would I get a hold of his chaplain, since he says he actively seeks guidance from him? I feel so low, could this actually open his eyes? Im so afraid he's going to cancel his leave and opt to not come at all, this would destroy my children, they are counting the days till daddy's arrival. No they do not know of our problems but im sure they sense something?

why does this have to be so hard?

OK I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE IN SENDING PLAN B LETTER, WHAT DO I DO NOW, I CANT TAKE IT BACK? I CANT THINK STRAIGHT, IM LOOSING MY MIND, PLEASE HELP?

Stop freaking out, okay? It isnt going to matter, okay? Every one of us made mistakes during Plan A and Plan B. And some of us got our marriages back. So, please settle down and let's work thru this and get a plan for you. I will answer the first set of questions now...

ok thank you I really needed that slap in the face!
and Im not kidding. I am freaking out inside , I just dont wanna lose my husband and family .

First off, why is it so hard? Because it is. Sorry to say that, but it is. And it may get harder before it gets better. But better it WILL get!! Now, the hard stuff will be lessened and the time in the hard stuff will be lessened if you make a plan and FOLLOW it!!

Now, let's deal with the military situation first. Do you live close to a military installation? If you do, and want to contact his chaplain there, you can go to the local Army base (I am assuming he is Army Reserve) and see the Post Chaplain. He/she can contact the chaplain in your husband's battalion.

See? He knows that you can shut that affair down immediately! Immediately! And it can be. He and she can be ordered not to see each other. If they break that order? Jail time for them and dishonorable discharge!!

Nope. He made a commitment but he has not stood by his oath. Instead he has broken the law, brought dishonor upon his unit, the United States Army and his family. He is not an honorable man right now, and if I was his First Sergeant...well, he certainly would not be leading soldiers. He cannot be trusted with their lives if he cant even keep a simple rule like not having sex with anyone but your wife.

Now the truth is, he has made a huge mistake. He can be redeemed, he can make amends. But as he sits right now...he does not belong in the Army! So, how do you help him save his career, do the honorable thing and save your marriage? Exposure!!

There was a wife on here I counseled last year that had a husband, highly decorated, that was having an affair with a gal in his unit. She didnt want to expose it to the unit, afraid he would just say "Fine, I'm outta here...divorce papers on the way." So she waited weeks and weeks, going thru hell. We finally talked her into telling the woman's husband and talking to the chaplain. Thru that, the two were warned that the next stop was to the commander and the IG. Know how it ended? The husband ended the affair and came home.

His commander is not going to throw him in jail...yet. First off, dont you think that a relationship like that is known about over there? But many times, commanders let it ride because they need the soldiers on the ground and have bigger fish to fry. So as long as no one complains, then he does nothing. But, what if the IG found out about it? What if one of the soldiers in the unit wanted "some" from this gal and she told him no. So he makes an anonymous tip to the IG? Know what happens? Well, the IG shows up, does an investigation, and slams not only your husband, and his OW...but also the commanders involved. Very, very bad!! Everyone gets to go down!

Want that to happen? And I guarantee it will. Take it from me, a former IG. So, how to make this thing work. First, you need to remember that he alone is responsible for any actions that happen to him. He broke the law! And right now, he is supposed to be a leader of men and women as an NCO. But he is not a man of honor, so he is not a leader. That is right now, I mean.

So, the person you needto talk to, after the chaplain gets his shot at him...is his commander. You can find out that information from the post chaplain. If you are not near a post, then tell me where you live and I can get a local contact for you. But once the chaplain comes back and he finds out that either he lies to the chaplain, or he isnt going to stop this immoral beahvior, then you MUST contact his commander. Lives are at stake here...even your husband's. You talk about him carrying a weapon. well there are others there also. And all it will take is one guy to get POed and blackmail your husband.

His commander will then call him and her in. You will need to provide him proof (the emails, maybe even tapes of your calls with him). Whatever it takes. That email about him asking for explicit pictures of her should be a big help. The commander will then orderthem that as long as they are i nthe military, and/or as long as either of them is married, they are to cease any contact with each other outside of the professional one that they should be having. Since they are in different platoons, most likely they will be ordered to stay away from each other. If found together, they will be prosecuted for failure to follow a legal order. And off to the stockade they will go.

If the commander doesnt do anything...then you call the IG. The IG will come in and see the battalion commander(BC) (your husband's commander's commander). And the BC will then HAVE to make sure that something is done about this.

Now, how does this help you. Well, the Army will force them to go into withdrawal. Once thru withdrawal, your husband will think much more clearly. And will see what he is throwing away. Like I said, if I was his First Sergeant, I would be making a personal interest of mine in seeing that I square him away!

You can get get your husband back and recover your marriage. And you have done soem good Plan A stuff so far (of course the Plan B letter came a little early). So, let's finish Plan A so you can have a successful Plan B okay? One part of Plan A that you need to finish is exposure. That has to happen!! Then, just Plan A him for awhile as his head comes off in anger. But you continue to say and show love and wanting to recover your marriage. Then once he is back on the fence trying to decide...then you go to Plan B, leaving him with the good stuff you have done under Plan A. It is then he will run home.

Military wives and husbands have a unique power that civilians do not. Their spouses can be ordered to end the affair (I would love judges to be able to do that!!). Without the OW, he will lose his fix for his addiction and will go into withdrawal. After withdrawal is when your marriage has the best chance of being saved. Until then, he is an alien.

So, when are you gonna expose? And how? Let's get this plan going, okay?

In His arms.

You will lose him and your sanity if you do not settle down. Plus those kids are counting on you right now!!

So is your husband, believe it or not. He has no idea what he is doing. His reckless behavior and what could happen to him and you and the kids shows he is a man out of control. This marriage cannot have two people out of control. So, you be the sane one.

Check out what I just wrote and let's get started.

Okay, Thank you, Plese push me along. No, I am in Northern Cali and there is no military instillation near by. His unit is based out of Fresno and detached to a unit in Az, i believe. From what I know, others were being investigated for other affairs in the unit and someone did point a finger on him and he denied his affair and refused to give a sworn statement. He warned me to stay away from the FRG and that they are nothing but trouble! Now I know why. Yes, I want to talk to his chaplin first yes, I have saved IM's and conversations between OW and I of their affair. I believe she is married/seperated. You can email me at josicairos@sbcglobal.net, to give me who I can contact, etc. I'd rather the chaplin talk to him first. The OW is on leave now so I they wouldnt be able to confront her but I do have access to his email accts. and msg he has sent her. Again, thank you for everything, please push me along...
I want to knock the 2X4 at his head and realize what he's doing!

Okay, first...I cant send you emails to your private account. Why? Because you are a married woman. And I am a married man. Always keep these interactions with people on her out in the public, that is unless you find a couple of gals that want to talk offline. Yo ushould not be talking with another man in private about your marriage, unless it is a counslor, pastor or the like. Okay?!?!

I will post phone numbers and links on here. I do not have my list of contacts here with me, so it may be tomorrow morning before I give that to you.

Okay, now you. First, as I said, let's get some control here. Are you a Christian? If so, lean on Jesus...He can take care of your husband. And in the meantime, provide for you.

Any interaction with your husband should be upbeat, and you should show confidence. Remain aloof. Dont lie, just dont tell everything. Like instead of giving him a run down of your day, tell him "Well, got the kids off to school this morning...I went to the gym...and then ran some errands this afternoon...gonna hangout with some friends tonight." "What friends?" "You know, the usual crowd." Now, this might sound like game playing, and in a little way, it is. But by not lying and at the same time, not filling in the blanks of your day or what you ar doing, then he will have to fill in the blanks in his head. And since he is an adulterer, it is highly probable he will think you are following in his footsteps. And I dont care if he is deeply in love with the OW...NO MAN likes the idea of another man with his wife!! So, dont lie. And definitely do not put yourself in positions where you might have something happen. But just let him wonder.

How long until his deployment is over?

In His arms.

im sorry I didnt think of the email that way, Sorry!
But, I do admire you for that! Wish my WH ws the same.

Yes, I am Catholic and have been attending services and church groups, believe me it has helped. Everyone asks why Im taking this so well, God isnt going to give me anything I couldnt handle?
Yes, I was on a role with being upbeat and it was driving him crazy. I have been going out with the SIl's to local bars for drinks and stuff. And , he emailed SIL to keep an eye on me and take care of me?, WOW. Yes, I guess its a pride thing! for a man!

My WH has until Dec of 05 for his deployment but the word is they may send his unit back sooner but no promises! He would be coming home for 3wk and our plans are to take a trip to TX and visit my family and friends. But, now maybe not! So, are you saying I should still keep contact with him even after I sent plan B letter , I guess so since I messed things up?

First off, it isnt just a pride thing. It is also that he wants you to stay right where you are at until he is done running around and decides what he will do next. It's called cake eating. That's why he is having SIL watching you.

Next, yes...go back to Plan A. I tried Plan A two times before I got it right the third time. So, just keep up a little bit longer with the Plan A stuff. When is your husband supposed to go on leave? You can coincide all of the stuff with contact with the military with his leave. It will work wonders. Here's how.

Let's say he is coming home in June on leave. So, in the meantime, you talk to the chaplain and the chaplain talks to him. You continue to amass evidence, etc. So, he comes home and you Plan A him. At the end of the 10 days to 14 days, you then let him know that you are going to have to move toawrds doing things in the best interests of you and the kids. And your marriage. He will want to know what they are. You will just not answer.

He will get back on that plane highly anxious. He wont know what is going to happen next. In the meantime, you contact his commander. When he arrives back in country, he will walk right into the Old Man's office...and all hell will break loose. But the commander will give him a chance, by telling him that he must not see the OW. He of course, will be extremely angry. You will write him an email and tell him that you love him and want to move forward with your marriage. But not with OW involved. That you are waiting for the opportunity for the both of you to move forward into a better relationship. His anger will last a week, maybe two. Then the venom will stop flowing in his emails and calls. Oh yeah, forgot something. Dont try to explain why you told the command. He will try to be verbally abusive with you about this. Dont you let it happen. When he tries, you tell him that you want to talk, but only if he is calm. And then hang up.

Anywya, after the anger is gone, he will be there without the OW for another 5 to 6 months...and with a wife that is Plan Aing him. Within a month of doing all of this, then yo uwil go to a full Plan B. Send the letter and shut down communication. You will post the lette here for everyone to vet and help you get it right. You will put in the letter how he can contact the kids thru an intermediary, but that you no longer wish to talk until the affair is over and he is ready to work on the marriage.

And then you will stay dark. Now, he has 3-4 months left there...no OW...no wife...and wife might be leaving him, found another man, sold all of his stuff, etc. Panic will set in.

And it is panic that will force him to run out of the fog.

I hope you are beginnign to understand. Keep posting here as we work thru your plan.

In His arms.