Man you are so awesome, where were you when I posted before? See, Im not that crazy!

Ok, yes he is due in end of June/July for sons 5th B-day.
So, how do I contact him now since I sent letter. I know he is ramping and raving and OW isnt there to console him. How do I nicely explain that I want to be civil and didnt meant the plan B letter? without him going ballistic or do I wait for him to contact me? He just sent me an IM and said he will respect my decision, I didnt answer back after that. Im at a loss of words!

First off, he wont respect your decision. Count on that! Second, say nothing about it. Just contact him about things dealing with the kids or something. get back to the light talk you were doing.

Oh by the way...I love Plan B!!! As most around here know. But without a good Plan A, Plan B suffers.

Well, I emailed him about kids activites and events for the weekend. He responded and simply said: you dont make any sense, thank you , you made your decision now stick to it!
Wow.low blow. I deserved that I think? I sent him an IM and simply asked are you ok, I stated that if I had never received her email, or he would of never given her my address, this wouldnt of happened so soon. and he replied it was an accident just like you got hers. He said he was sending all my pictures back because it was making it worse for him , remembering me and our sessions. I told him im going to wait as long as it takes and he had to leave on a mission, just said bye. Why do I feel such an emptiness in myself? Did I do wrong? Is there any hope left for us. Yes, I know he is angry but do WS really get so entrapped in their fantasy world that they do not see the hurt they cause?

Do not listen to him. Figured he would say that.

You see, I found this out with my wife when she was in the middle of the affair. We think that by just leaving right in the beginning that they will be upset. Not so. They dont have withdrawal until we build up points in Plan A (more on that in a sec). But what leaving does, in the eyes of the WS, is validate their affair in their foggy mind. How, you ask? Because by you leaving and/or filing for divorce, it gives them their out. In their mind, they havent made up their mind. But what you do is to make the hard decision for them. Never do that. Never let them off the hook. They want out, then they have to do all of the work.

In the meantime, you Plan A them and they get hooked to you. They realize "hey, wait a minute. I cheated on her and betrayed her. And she is still here. And added to that, she is getting better all the time." They begin to get hooked, and they begin to doubt what they are doing.

About that time, you have reached your limit with Plan A and are beginning to lose love for your husband. So, you go to Plan B. Now, you are leaving...sort of. But he has a Plan B letter (PBL) that shows the way home. But all he sees is that he was getting to like you, and now you are leaving. He wont be able to take it. He will try to break your Plan B. But you dont let him...and then his world falls apart and he comes home.

So, dont listen to the addict, the alien. He doesnt really know what he is talking about. You have a plan, he does not. Dont get suckered into saving him from his consequences. He wants to sleep with a fellow NCO? then let him have the full brunt of the consequences. In the end, the odds are that your husband will not be with the OW (less than 5% of relationships that start in affairs make it). Your odds are a whole lot better.

Do your thing right now. You dont want this WH. You want your husband. Until he shows up, you concentrate on not being sucked in by this parasite.

In His arms.

ITS OVER BETWEEN WH AND OW! "I THINK"

My wh sent me an IM for thanking me for an adult about things and breaking his trust! " what's going on?" I was so confused! Somehow, (honestly dont know how) but OW found out WH was still having cyber sessions with me and our plans durnig his leave! She ended it and he's torn apart. He said he now knows how I feel when I found out what happened and what he did to me! I couldnt believe it! He now states he's single? I kindly reminded him i thought you were married? still? and he claimed yes but with an understanding that we were going to talk about us when we get back! He sais he still loves me and that he only brought this upon himself and he should of been honest with everyone! "wow he saw the light" . I'm still going to Plan A him, so is this gonna be the withdrawl phase? She still wont be there for 3 more weeks and he'll be in route back home, so that may help, right? the withdrawl would kind of be easier not seeing her? coming home being with his family? Please, anyone help me to better understand his withdrawl, I dont wanna mess this up!

Okay, this MAY be good news. Maybe. First, he may be lying. Possibly not. Second, once the OW gets back there, it may rekindle. The OW is pissed off right now, but that may not last. So dont count on that.

Here's what you do. You email him back, saying that you are interested in making your marriage work. But that requires several things now. He must write a NC letter to the OW, which you get to review and mail to OW. He must agree to marriage counseling (can do sessions with Steve Harley via phone, if you can afford it...I know TRICARE will not pay for it). The third thing is that he must go to his First Sergeant and tell him about the affair, that it is over...and that he is doing this to have the 1SG help him make sure he continues on the right path.

He will balk at that third one. But you need to make him understand (or if he wants to email me privately, I can educate him a little about the Army, as well as how he gets himself out of this mess) that he is in a very precarious position. Remember what I told you about some soldier getting mad at your husband and then blowing the whistle to the IG about the affair? Well, now that everyone will know she is "free", they may want to try dating her. If she says "no", then guess what? The man scorned will try to hurt her...and your husband will get hurt also. Dont think all of this wont happen? Well, like I said, I was an IG for 4 years and I saw all of this happen. Your husband is in a bad place right now.

By going to the 1SG, he can help himself in several ways. First, his 1SG will order him not to see OW and make sure the two arent put in the same place. Second, by him fessing up first, it is unlikely the Army will have any disciplinary actions against him. Because, he did the right thing (which means he got his honor back!!).

Again, I caution you that just because he said this stuff, it may not be so. She may waltz right back in there and go after him. Withdrawal may be heavy for him, which will cause him to be nasty for awhile.

I can talk to him via email if you want. Or have him come here...and all of us can help him.

Once he comes home on leave, you do a great Plan A!! Let him go back to Iraq knowing what he has at home. Deposits, deposits, deposits.

But you must have boundaries also. Which is why you need to talk to him now, before he gets home, and tell him that those three things have to be met (NC, MC, and telling 1SG). If he balks at it, then this would be the BEST time to go to Plan B!! But let's take this one step at a time.

Do not be rash here. A slip up may cause him to run away, and you may lengthen things by months. So slow down and do this very methodical. You are in control now. Doesnt it feel good?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> After being out of control for so long?

Okay, get that email together with your boundaries. Make it loving, but tell him that in order to protect you and the marriage (as well as him with the military), that he has to meet those three criteria. Attach a copy of a sample NC letter (you can get one on here or in Survining an Affair), so that he has something to work with in order to write the no contact letter.

This is good. But caution is the watch word of the day!! Keep praying...eyes on Jesus, not your husband.

In His arms.

thank you mortarman!

Ive tried getting WH into this website but he's resorted to alot of drinking and I'm scared for him! This is going to put his safety and others in jeapordy!
From what I have had a feel of from OW (when she told me about the affair) she doesnt seem like the type to forgive for something she feels betrayed by? but then again people always make expceptions? Yes,they may re-kindle what they had or he'll just move on to another? But, then again he is not know to beg for forgiveness and he says he knows this may be for the best? Maybe, maybe not?

I will work on that email but I dont know if I should wait a little? He still seems like he's unsure of us but then again tells his sister that he knows he has a great woman waiting for him back home. Maybe a plus! He just seems so upset! more at me because he thinks it was me who told her all that stuff, i know he still doubts me but then again he just said he has no one to blame but himself! " yes, finally melodylane, he's feeling the GUILT! "

I couldnt find a NC letter in the website or couldnt find it, Anyone, have a sample?

I spoke with WH last night and he is terribly upset feeling guilt, remorse , etc. He was so upset at the fact that OW honestly wanted him to leave his family and stop contact! He said now he knows that she wouldnt of honestly been commited to that long haul they'd have to take if they stayed with eachother. He really feels he has lost a friend! ( and it hurts so much knowing he may have felt so comfortable with her than his own wife!) He did say he regrets ever sleeping with her and knows that they cant or couldnt continue as friends, but im sure he'll try!
I cant come to giving him the talk of NC because he has recently been loosing fellow soldiers and im afraid he'll fall into a deeper depression. He's been drinking alot, how they get hard liqour (i dont know) but i do fear for his safety and others! He considers himsef dead in his eyes, makes me wonder if the military is even really looking out for their emotional needs! I have seen my WH as such a strong person but know he seems so distant, I know our problems seem so little compared to the lives being lost for a cause that really isnt worth it. I feel for all those familys being torn apart because of lives lost, infidelty, depression that this war is causing. It makes my problems seem so petty? I will continue Plan A but it makes me feel so selfish, trying to make him fix something so far away? Or am I reading to much into him and trying to protect him? i have to deal with his family knowing of his infidelity and accusing me of doing the same? why do they automatically think that because he did it to me, I will? It is so hard adjusting to being a single parent, dealing with my childrens emotions of Daddy being gone and not really understanding the reasons, why? Now, I have to explain why I even took my kids to the movies by myself? I have no immediate family here , just his! It is so hard, my WH just tells me to ignore them, but its so hard! I hate knowing that his family can be such hypocrites, i can feel the stares, the endless accusations. And, I have done no wrong but accept his mistake and be willing to make my marriage work, at all costs!

he changed his password and I figured it out. He wrote a depressing please forgive me letter to OW, said he really loved her but knew they couldnt be together, he couldnt leave his wife of 8 yrs and throw it all away for someone he wasnt sure of ,"if she'd stay with him thru the good and bad". He asked for forgivines , she hasnt answered! Will the fog lift? It makes me wonder is it worth waiting? Is he really worth all the pain and anguish he has caused me? Even if it wasnt her would it be someone else? I m still hurting inside and all he can say is "im sorry" but the words feel so empty, I know he's gonna feel the pain of losing her , as a "friend"? Why cant they see their spouses as a friend? He can tell me everything even about his OW and I can talk to him as a friend (and take it while holding my breath) but he still has the nerve to say that he's gonna miss her because she understood him and he felt comfortable talking to ber about everything? yet he tells her that he would stay with me because of his kids? why make our children live in a family with false love?

IM STILL HERE! I'VE BEEN GETTING MY HOUSE READY FOR WH ARRIVAL AT THE END OF THIS MONTH!

MORTARMAN ! I STILL NEED YOUR HELP!, PLEASE. i AM STILL IN PLAN A AND WANT TO EXPOSE A TO CHAPLAIN.

SUPPOSEDLY, THEY HAVE MADE UP OR NOT, DONT KNOW REALLY. OW IS WILLING TO WAIT FOR WH IN HIS CONFUSION? HE DOESNT KNOW IF THATS WHAT HE SHOULD DO. HE SAYS THAT NO MATTER WHAT HE CHANGES OR DOES IN HIS LIFE HIS LOVE FOR ME WILL NEVER DIMINISH , THAT THAT IS HIS PROBLEM! HE CONFESSED TO 3 PA INCLUDING HER SINCE THE LAST 6 YEARS! WOW, I NEVER SAW THE SIGNS! I DONT KNOW IF ITS ONE OF THOSE ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER? I DO TAKE EVERYONES ADVISE SERIOUSLY AND TO KEEP ME SANE IM DOING A PROGRESSING PLAN A ! I HOPE THINGS WILL FALL INTO PLACE, QUICKLY BUT THIS DEPLOYMENT AND A HAVE MADE SUCH AN IMPACT ON MY KIDS, WORK AND MY HEALTH. IM SLOWLY DEALING WITH ALL THIS ONE BY ONE. AND ALL MY WH CAN SAY IS "IM SORRY FOR PUTTING YOU THRU ALL OF THIS! I CANT STOP BLAMING MYSLEF!" IM GLAD HE'S SEEING WHAT THIS HAS DONE TO HIS FAMILY AND THAT HIS ACTIONS DO HAVE CONSEQUENCES! JEEZ , ITS LIKE TALKIN TO MY KIDS, SHOWING THEM THAT THERE IS A CAUSE TO EVERY AFFECT WE DO!

PLEASE ANYONE? IM OPEN TO ADVICE AND SEE WHATS BEST FOR ME AND MY FAMILY?

HOW DO OTHER BS, DEAL WITH HIDING THE TRUTH FROM THE KIDS, THEY SEEM SO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND? SHOULDNT THE WS BRING THE ISSUE TO THE TABLE? I WASNT THE BAD ONE?
HOW DO I KEEP MY SELF SANE DURNIG THIS PLAN A AND NOT LOOSE HOPE? I KNOW IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHOSE GONE THRU THIS SO ANYONE PLEASE IM OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS!

Why have you not done this yet???

You know the plan. You need to get with it. Exposure is part of it. When he comes home, you Plan A the hell out of him. Then tell him all the stuff we talked about. About how he needs to go to the 1SG and tell him what the deal is and help him stay away fro mthe OW. That he needs to talk to the chaplain. Talk to him about what I said about some disgruntled guy calling the IG or whatever. His situation is serious, even if they ended things tomorrow. He needs to come clean and go to NC.

Have this discussion lovingly. Do not threaten. Be very matter-of-fact. Even be concerned for him as you discuss it. But be firm. He must understand that the A ends that day and NC must begin immediately, as well as exposure...or you will need to protect yourself and those kids. Okay?

I will be back on later. Gotta go brave Washington DC rush hour traffic.

In His arms.

I havent gone thru talking with the chaplin cause i have no clue on how to contact them? the last time i tried using the family readiness group, they gave me someone else's email address from a unit from another state? All he suggested was to talk it over with WH and not go to the commanding officer! I guess they all know what the consequences are!

If you could give me what unit (battalion) he is in, I can get you the contact info.

AWESOME !
HE IS WITH THE 647TH TRANS BN / 729TH TC ARMY RESERVE (ACTIVE) . HIS UNIT IS BASED OUT OF FRESNO, CA AND WAS DETATCHED TO THE 647TH OUT OF ARIZONA I BELIEVE.

THE THING IS I BELIEVE THIS OW IS HACKING INTO OUR EMAILS AND SHE'S FINDING OUT PERSONAL INFO AND DISCUSSIONS , WH AND I ARE HAVING. HOW CAN I STOP THIS , HE SUGGESTED CANCELING ALL EMAIL ACCTS AND PUTTING THEM UNDER A DIFF NAME , THATS WHAT HE DID FOR HIMSELF AND I ONLY EMAIL HIM TO THAT ACCT. FOR SOME REASON IF COME TO BELIEVE THAT THIS OW WILL BE PERSISTANT AND NOT LEAVE WH EVEN IF HE REQUESTS IT. HAS ANYONE DEALT WITH AN OW LIKE THAT? AND IF SO, HOW WAS IT DEALT WITH?

Is he at Camp Anaconda?

yes sir, wow your good! They both are.

Okay. I will be back with you as soon as I can get that contact.

thank you MORTARMAN !

WITH ALL THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL STRESS OF DISCOVERING AN A. I HAVE BEEN TAKING MY SOON TO BE 5 YR OLD CHILD TO IC BECAUSE OF HIS ISSUES RE: WH ABSENCE DUE TO DEPLOYMENT. COUNSELOR HAS RECOMMENDED MY CHILD TO PHYCIATRIST AND POSSIBLE MED'S. SHE BASICALLY SAID SON DS HAS EXTREME ANGER AND REASON TO BELIEVE DS HAS BEEN SEXUALLY MOLESTED/ABUSED! AS IF MY LIFE DIDNT HAVE TO BE WORSE, NOW THIS! I'VE BEEN TALKING WITH THE SCHOOL AND NOW THEY TELL ME OF INCIDENTS OF HOW DS HAS TALKED AND MADE MOTIONS OF SEX, TO THEM ITS JUST FUNNY! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK BELIEVE WITHOUT HAVING ANSWERS. DS IS AFRAID TO SPEAK OPENLY WITH ME. WH THREATEND ME TO FIND OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING BEFORE HIS ARRIVAL. THE COUNSELOR SUGGESTED THAT WE DONT DISCUSS OUR MARTIAL PROBLEM/SOLUTION JUST YET TO DS BECAUSE THAT MAY REPRESS DS OR DRAW HIS ANGER TO A RAGE. I EMAILED WH ABOUT THAT BUT HE DIDNT COMMENT ABOUT IT. I DONT KNOW HOW TO APPROACH THIS DILEMA. I JUST FEEL SO LOST, I DONT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO TRY TO KEEP MY MARRIAGE TOGETHER AND FOCUS ON MY CHILD. HONESTLY MY CHILDS WELL-BEING AND FINDING THE PROBLEM AND SOLUTION TO WHAT MAY BE GOING ON IS THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY ON MY LIST. IM AT A POINT THAT WHO GIVES A f ABOUT WH, IF HE CHOOSES THE OW OVER HIS FAMILY, THEN IM BETTER OFF W/O HIM. DOES IT SEEM WRONG TO THINK THAT WAY?