Good Afternoon-
I recently found your forum and have been reading some of the information on here. I am unfortunately the one who had the affair and told my husband on New Years Day. I also just told him the last piece of information two weeks ago...something I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to hurt him anymore. Because I told the Marriage Counselor we are going to - she wouldn't see us anymore until I told him. It took me 3 weeks to do so...but I did it. For the first week, he didn't talk to me at all and says that he doesn't need to go to counseling any more because he knows all there is to know...so I am going by myself. I have been trying to give him the space he needs to adjust to all of this...I am the one who hurt him and I know that. I am trying to make up for it, but sometimes I just don't know what to do. I don't know if this is the right place for me to post or not...but I was hoping that this site would be for the betrayers and the betrayees. Its a long road and I think that we will be able to work things out as long as I am patient and give him the space he needs...Any one want to comment...please feel free. Thanks for listening.

MT

yes this site is for BOTH sides though it is dominated by the BS ...for some reason WS like us dont always seem to want to come here .. I suspect because sometimes we get a hard time here from some bitter BS - I never blame them for that - and I suppose its seems so hard they give up before trying..... but I'm not giving up & some others like us are not either.

So, sadly, I welcome you to MB.

The basic concepts here are set out in the links under the red headings at the top of this page ... read them, then the Q & A columns and the articles pages as well...its all so helpful.
A misconception is that its just for BS - not so - it really helps to understand what I did and what my H was likely going through AND talk to others on both sides of this horror about things.
What is so good here is that you will be challenged when you
are going down the wrong path, wimping out, making excuses and that sort of thing..but you will also be encouraged and supported by many.
Now one thing, you may get a few 4x2's from some bitter BS LIKE I said BUT dont let it chase you away & dont confuse it with positive 4x2's... I got a few and as I was advised, just let it go over or around you, its just what happens on sites like this sometimes.... also you may misunderstand some posts or take it the wrong way . thats ok to ..... no one is perfect and we here know that all too well.
MT there are no guarantees and yes you may fail, I may fail, hey we know that right???
I would suggest you ask your H to continue MC if the MC is promarriage ...that is very important. WHY?? because he will feel so hurt he may need a neutral person to talk to who will not yap about it BUT still activly promote your M to him. He might need to go alone as may you for awhile.
My H attended for a while and then basically considered it a joke .. attitude of 'you broke it you fix it' ..I'm told its not unusal for a BS to go through that feeling ... got through most of it and I guess before he was deployed we were in 'you are a [censored] for doing this but I care still ..probably/mostly' phase - my own description ..lol ... laugh or cry MT - so its hard but it does work.
I wont go on anymore, you've got a lot to read ... may even want to get the book 'his needs her needs' by Willard Harley & a few others recommended ...they do give a lot of so much helpful info....maybe leave then out for H to read (yeah right in my case].
However one more thing, my H recognised I was sorry, remorseful etcetc , but so what? Well one is that even so I fought against telling him the 'details' he wanted to know everything ... but all here were right .. tell him as much as he wants to know. I chickened out quite a few times MT until he threatened to just leave. Pure shame & fear of loosing him. He says it helped him stay ..hope so.
Second ..when he saw me seeking help and doing IC & seeking MC and coming here to MB - where he came as well by the way - it allowed him to take a wait & see approach and stay together. No trust anymore you see but he did trust what actual actions I took. That seems to be very very important.

So start reading then come over to General Questions 11 or GQ11 where there is a lot more posting.

Any questions you just ask away.

all the best MT.
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