Good Afternoon-
I recently found your forum and have been reading some of the information on here. I am unfortunately the one who had the affair and told my husband on New Years Day. I also just told him the last piece of information two weeks ago...something I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to hurt him anymore. Because I told the Marriage Counselor we are going to - she wouldn't see us anymore until I told him. It took me 3 weeks to do so...but I did it. For the first week, he didn't talk to me at all and says that he doesn't need to go to counseling any more because he knows all there is to know...so I am going by myself. I have been trying to give him the space he needs to adjust to all of this...I am the one who hurt him and I know that. I am trying to make up for it, but sometimes I just don't know what to do. I don't know if this is the right place for me to post or not...but I was hoping that this site would be for the betrayers and the betrayees. Its a long road and I think that we will be able to work things out as long as I am patient and give him the space he needs...Any one want to comment...please feel free. Thanks for listening.

May I ask what the "last piece of information" happened to be? That piece seemed to throw your H off course on working on your marriage?

We try to help people restore their marriages. If you are trying, you are in the right place.

Remember, we are fellow travelers, not professionals. I recommend you read all that you can on this web site, and then ask any questions you may have.

We hope you can restore your marriage.

All the best,

SS

The short story.... I had sex one time with a family friend in the front seat of his car.
The last piece of the story was this...a week after that one time (that was a horrible experience)...I took the man to a hotel to attempt to do it right...and he was unable to perform. Instead he spent 1-1/2 hrs talking about what we were doing was wrong and we needed to stop... I didn't want to tell my husband about going to the hotel because 'nothing' happened there. I figured in my mind that the worst I could have done was have the sex to begin with. Therefore, to tell him about the hotel would only make matters worse. The marriage counselor said we needed to be honest about everything and therefore, she wouldn't see us anymore until I told him about the hotel. He hasn't given up on us...he just needed some time to put that information together. I think the reason it through him off is that the OM was our family friend - in fact his son and my son were best friends since they were 6 years old..and our families have been side by side since then. We have vacationed together, one day trips together, etc. Our families were very close. His wife and I did many things together also. The attraction was mutual...but...he told my husband that everything was my fault. I was the one coming on to him and making him do things to me...etc. So after I told my husband about the hotel, he said maybe he owes OM an apology as he must have been telling the truth about it all being my fault...as I was the one that drove us to the hotel and also paid for it....I don't quite get why because OM is as responsible about this as I am...only I have taken ownership of what I have done and he has not and will not.

My husband is talking to me now and we have resumed our sexual relationship. We have been together 24 yrs, married for 17, and have 3 children 18, 15 and 5. I have been with him since I was 14 years old.

He has just never been one to go to a counselor or seek outside help for anything and now that he knows the 'whole' story he doesn't feel that we need to see anyone anymore. I am still trying to get him to go with me. All I can do is to go myself and hope that he will decide to one day.

Hope this helps.
Thanks for your responses.
Beth

Welcome. Go to the section about How Affairs Should End. There must never be any contact between you and the guy in future. Your husband doesn't owe the OM an apology,unless you drugged the guy and tied him up and drove him to a hotel and loaded him onto a luggage rack and rolled him into the hotel room.

Most men don't want to go to counseling. It's just the way they are. So us wimmin are the ones who do the most work to keep the marriage going and restore them once they are damaged. It is a good idea to keep going yourself, and work on your own issues.

THe down side of being the wayward spouse is that the onus is on you to do the repair work. The betrayed spouse isn't obligated to do it. You may have years of make up work to do to repair the damage.

I sense from your post that you are truly repentant and regretful. That can only work in your favor. You're learning and growing because of this terrible mistake. A warning: don't let this attraction take root in your mind with continuing fantasy. Even letting yourself daydream about the incident, relive it so that the OM is able to complete the act, relive it so that years in the future, after both spouses are out of the picture, you bump into each other and resume the affair, must not be allowed to stay in your mind.

Any time that temptation comes up, replace it with a deliberate memory of a wonderful occasion with your husband. Or plan something nice for your husband. Sit down and write out a shopping list for ingredients of his favorite salad. or if he is in the room, go over and give him a neck rub and tell him you love him.

If you never contact the OM again, EVER, the past can be a bump in the road. If you make any excuse to daydream about him, or be alone with him, text message or Email or phone or send a card, you are playing with a soap opera. You can be noble or you can be trivial. I don't believe you are trivial.

Bellevue-Thanks for your response. You have really given some good information and I appreciate that. I know that I am the one who needs to do the making up...and I have not had any contact with the OM since the incident. The hard part is my husband now thinking that geez...maybe I have been doing this kind of thing all along. This was the first and only time something like this has happened. All I can do is keep telling him over and over again. The hard part is that we (husband and I) were the first and only partners for each other and now because of this one time...that is all changed. I want to say something like - "you were wonderful" and the words don't come out because I then am worried that he thinks I might be comparing them. The ONE incident was a horrible experience and I never want to do that again. Sex with my husband has been incredible and only seems to get better as the years go by. Alot of this I just don't understand. The affair started as an EA and we were best friends...Then I just started having "real" feelings and the feelings were mutual. I have learned a lot in the last 5 months (since I told husband and affair ended) and I know that I should have done things a lot differently. The OM really USED my feelings and my inexperience in other relationships to the fullest. I was feeling sorry for him (as his marriage was having major problems and she kicked him out and as we were friends, we let him stay with us), which was the worst thing I could have done. I thought I would be able to handle it and resolve my feelings on my own and I didn't - it only got worse until the one time happened. There is so much I have to say and its very hard to try and write it all down this way... I'll end now and just say thanks again...and I am really trying to make everything right again.