I've been married for almost 17 years. I have a 17 year old son, and a fifteen year old daughter. My husband tells me a week ago that he got a letter in the mail telling him that he has a 16 year old son who would like to get to know his father. I was told of this affair just after it happened a little more than 16 years ago, and he vehemently denied it. I, like a fool, trusted him. This is a huge slap in the face, and I just don't know if our marriage can be saved. I want nothing to do with the child. I don't want my children to know he exists. My husband claims that he looks at the situation like he was an unwilling sperm donor, and for now, that makes things a little easier. But if he changes his mind and wants a relationship with this boy, I will have to go. I simply cannot accept this at this point in my life. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I feel cheated. I should have been the only woman to bear his child. I'm utterly depressed and disillusioned.

Should I Welcome This Child Into My Life? single choice

Yes (62%, 8 Votes)

No (38%, 5 Votes)

Total Votes: 13 Voting on this poll ends: 05/30/05 09:19 PM

Just Curious,
How exactly was your H "unwilling"??

I've heard of some Creative WS Rewriting of History, but come on.

Sadly, putting one's personal "spin" on an event, doesn't make it true.

However, Your larger problem is a H that has Deceived you for 16+ years.
That is your Current challenge, whether YOU decide to be involved in this child's life or Not.

That's why I'm concerned by your H's continued "denials", even in the face of facts.
He's still NOT taking responsibility for his actions with others, so its doubtful he would with you either.

getting a letter in the mail saying he has a 16 yr old son doesnt make it so.

He neds to have a DNA test done.

Once that is done go from there.

I found out about my stepson when he was almost 7.

It hurts like Hell. but you can rebuild your marraige.
Lots of us have done it.


Lori

1. Get a DNA Test. There is alot at stake here. If this child is his, your H may owe years of back CS. The XOW could be lying and wants to stir up trouble. Don't ever do a thing without legal counsel here. Get protected immediately.

2. Your husband has been deceiving you for 17 years. This needs to be addressed. The possible oc need not be an issue, at all. I would advise you to seek counseling right away. Learn who you are and what you want to do about this fact. How is your husband acting?

3. The OC wants to get to know the father? Sorry, but YOUR children come first here. If you feel that this would be to much for them (and you know them best), then do not sacrifice their happiness, security and home to accomodate the OC. Sadly, everyone gets a piece of the hurt pie here, and the OC feelings and wishes are not more important then your children. Remember that. YOU need to protect your children.

4. Always always always have things set up legally. Do not meet, see or even speak to that OC until you have sought out the advice of an attorney.

I agree do not believe this letter or anything without PROOF.

I also agree that if he was so unwilling then let sleeping dogs lay. Why stir it up ? Will it improve his life or your family? I do not think so.

I think that since the OW decided that she did not want your H in the childs life all these years then leave it alone. I only see it as a ploy to get some acknoledgment of paternity, and possibly some money from your family.

Tell your husband not to be so gullible, now unless he knew all along or suspected and is now trying to cover up... that is another story.

LoLo, anyone who has been in your shoes can understand. (Top rope must not be one of them.) Your feelings ARE normal. You are grieving what you thought you had, and it will take time and work to repair your marriage.

What your H did was wrong and it hurts horribly. Maybe he was trying to spare your feelings or cover his butt or both, but it is NOT unusual for a man to not know about a kid.

#1 is repairing your marriage, preferrably with a counselor, and read affair recovery books. Hopefully your H understands how much this hurts you and is willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust back. "Fake it til you make it" and (unless he was a jerk to begin with) you'll probably make it.

#2 you. You're suffering a terrible trauma. Be extra kind and good and healthy with yourself. Don't forget: eating, drinking, exercise, sleep. Allow space for your raging emotions: sadness, anger, etc. You are grieving.

#3 your kids. Their well-being is important too. Don't tell them right away (unless there is going to be contact) but take time to repair your marriage and you'll be in a better position after you've had time to process and discuss it with DH and counselor.

#4 Cover your financial behind--check if you can be hit with back ch-support!! Ouch. Get DNA prior to contact.

#5 the OC. My experience with OCs and dads makes me sensitive to a host of possibilites. It's true XOW are often---but not always!!--trying to continue inappropriate contact w/biodad. In case of older OC, many are curious about their bio-roots and do not mean harm to the marriage. Like adopted kids, some are curious, some are not. If at some point you're willing to consider contact, find out what THIS OC's goals are: does s/he just have a few burning questions, are they seeking a bigger relationship, or is their mom pushing them into this?

In order to protect marriage and children, some cannot handle ANY contact with OC. Others might be able to arrange a limited meeting(s) with an older kid without having long term relationship. Others are willing to have a relationship.

The bottom line is no one can make you have contact! You feel out of control right now, but really the control is still in your hands. You don't have to decide everything today.

I'd be happy to talk about it more if you like.

Hang in there and hugs (((LoLo)))
J
married 18 years <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
DS 12
DD 6
DD 2
OC 6---(we had limited contact, no contact, AND now visitation: OC in my living room as I type)

Was the letter from the OW?

Did your H say if he knew or not about the OW being P all those years ago?

You're not wrong at all to feel the way you do. I imagine it's quite normal. It's a major shock, hearing this kind of news.

Get your ducks in a row, and see an attorney asap so you can prepare for every possibility...like Lynn mentioned, your H could be held liable for 16 yrs of CS, IF this boy is his. An attorney can educate you on every scenario to be ready for, and advise you on the steps to take.

If it reaches a point where your H is pressed on this contact issue, naturally you'd go for a court ordered DNA test before even thinking of seeing the boy. If I were you/him, I wouldn't be borrowing trouble by contacting or responding to her in anyway,(or w/ whomever sent the letter),--let them come to you, (or your attorney), if they want to pursue it. In the meantime, prepare for the worst, and hope for the best, and get yourself educated on the issues...

Thank you so much for that. I needed to hear that. Truly. My children absolutely are my #1 thought right now.

I believe that the other woman wants something. Why wait 16 years? What is that all about? Did she have any concern for the home she could be wrecking? I still think that there are too many facts that are being hidden from me, and until he comes clean, I just don't know what to do.

Jenny, thank you so much. I think maybe I'm expecting too much of myself, too soon. I have seen my doctor, and she is referring me to a counselor; not for me and my husband, but for ME, because right now, I am my number one priority. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. How are you coping with having the oc around?

Rather private mssg you, but pm is disabled (is everyone's or just mine??).

I'll give my email if you want, and delete after you get it.

I now accept OC as my step-dau (and she's a sweet kid), but it's changed over time! I knew some OC as a teen which made me think about it long before it happened to me. We were long distance for several years, had 2y no-contact due to xow, had marital counseling several times, and set up rules. DH and I agree (read Policy of Joint Agreement!!) that if visitation hurts our marriage or family, it has to stop. His contact w/xow is limited and I'm primary contact.

Each situation is different.

Please don't expect yourself to make clear and rational decisions right now. The books recommend not making any huge life-altering decisions in the early months. You are still in shock and your H needs to make amends to you.

Blessings,
J

Hi,
Has your H been paying child support? Does OW want CS? I would look into your state laws because if DNA proofs your H is the father she can get back support from birth on.

Dawn

Best advice I have is to have a paternity test done before deciding anything.

Dawn71 - I doubt they are going to strap the H for back support. He didn't know about OC. The courts take those things into consideration.