P.S. you don't take him back based on "promises," but on ACTIONS. HUGE DIFFERENCE. Talk is cheap, especially with a WS.

What is wrong with this sentence?

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

(hint ... one word)

Hint #2


Substitute this word certain ... and then feel the difference of power.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

YEA! I got it. I thought that was the word PEP was zeroing in on.

I agree! I was about to suggest to you to leave out that word.

The significance of MEMORIAL DAY is not necessarily that it is a HOLIDAY. IMHO, that won't make a difference to your WH. Everyday is a holiday to him while he is in AFFAIR MODE, foot loose and fancy free.

The importance of it is that it gives you some opportunity to PLAN. I tend to sound wimpy in posts encouraging folks to PLAN B because I recall how hard it was for me, how scary it was for me and I ended up FAILING at it more than once.

I wish I had prepared better. Prepared logistically and in my MINDSET, gotten that SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT that PEP is referring to. I just can imagine you knowing all the while during the weekend that "THIS IS IT, BUDDY; I'VE GIVEN YOU MY ALL BUT THIS IS IT"; IT ALL STOPS NOW"!!

You could do this today if you are ready.

Basically you've GOT TO JUST DO IT!!

Homer, how are you?

Homer

I agree with the advise you have already received.

No kisses,nada zilch for that guy. He does his own laundry, makes his own meals and mows the yard. Plan some nice things for you and your girls to do and do them...leave a To Do List for big boy as you go out the door.
H

Back to the anxiety mill again today. This weekend WH stayed Friday and Sat evening. Friday he hit the tavern that he frequents and has "run into" OW at, and asked her to meet him at as well, before coming over. I couldn't help myself and I asked him if he had contacted her to meet him and he said no. I don't know why I ask because I don't really believe him anymore. He went golfing Sat (big trigger) while the DD's and I worked in the yard. I busted my [email]a@%[/email] putting in brick edging, I thought it looked great. His only comment was "its not going to keep the mulch out of the grass".....later I found my two windbreakers I had worn at different times during the day laying right in the middle of the floor. I guess I hadn't hung them up and put them on a chair, he got peaved and threw them on the floor.

Later as he offered me his foot for a foot massage, I said to him that he needed to stop treating me this way, that I was doing the best I could and that he always made me feel like I couldn't do anything right. I told him I wasn't perfect and he needed to cut me some slack. That he could of either mentioned the jackets or just hung them up himself. He is so critical. Is that a typical response from WS's? Do they get overly critical towards the BS?

Sunday he left to go "do some things" and the DD's and I went to our friends property to help them get ready for the Memorial weekend camping. He came home for dinner and then went back to his place after saying goodnight to DD's. this morning I am working for him and as always he locked his PC as he left for lunch. Should I ask him to stop locking it? Of course he doesn't want to because I snoop.
I did see the copy to his lease sitting on his desk, perhaps he will be calling the landlord to tell him he is vacating?

We have a counseling session for this Friday. Do I bring up the EA/obsession or try to have the counselor focus on the marriage PreA and what went wrong?

What happened to Plan B?

Homer!!

You busted your butt all weekend.

Your W?H didn't lift a finger to help you, but DID:

go out drinking, play golf, act like a 5-year old, treat you like CRAP, and then...

stuck his foot out for a foot massage.


Is this really about another woman?

Plan B is still here. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt about moving home to work on things. I can still see him hedging his bets. Mentioned the upcoming counseling session and he acted like he knew nothing about it. Not sure he will go now. I keep asking myself WHY. WHY WHY.

Why am I so not ready to let this guy go. It is all about him TQT...his needs, his EA, his timeline, his business and I am the self defacing woman who allows it to continue.

Sometimes I think I am just trying to reel him in so I can turn around and throw him back. I know it is hard for him to take initiative to do things. (except contact the OW)

I would like to find a man who appreciates who I am and what I have to offer. Someone who realizes how hard I work.
Someone who will tell me Thanks. I've never had it and don't really know how I would be in that kind of a place.
I am afraid I am wasting my time...my life...and I keep going back to that man I married who in all pretenses seemed to be a devoted son who worked hard and was looking to have a family much like the one he came from. The only thing missing was the love.

How 'bout... Happy?

As you deserve to be.

Homer, I wish I had a way with words like so many others here do... because I can feel your pain.
You have to get yourself away from him -- for yourself, and for your DD's -- you KNOW that.
The only chance of HIM waking up is if something real solid hits him between the eyes... don't you agree?

What other options do you have, besides Plan B?

Homer, I thought you were as devoted a Dr. Phil fan as I am! Do you know what he would say about your above sentence? In your current state of self-esteem/self-worth, you will inadvertantly attract more of the same, if you and your WH get a D. People treat you the way you require them to treat you! This has nothing to do with anyone, but YOU!

And, for all any of us knows, you WH is capable of treating you the exact way you deserve to be treated. But you don't REQUIRE it!

My eyes bugged out at your recount of how hard you worked in your yard, your WH's comments about it, jacket throwing, then he wants his FEET rubbed? Not only would I have told my H to kiss my a$$ if he did/said all those things to me, my H would have told me the same thing!

I guess you could look at that day, and rationalize that there technically wasn't abuse going on, and I'm sure if you called the cops on him about any of those things, they would tell you there is nothing they could do. BUT, YOU can do something about it. That is relationship abuse, if you ask me. And it is CRAP!, Homer. CRAP!

Would you have allowed a friend, sister, brother, parent, co-worker to treat you like that? I doubt it. I don't get the feeling I could disrespect you, throw your stuff around, then ask you to rub my feet. I don't get that you are a doormat for anyone besides HIM. Why is that? You have the answer inside of you, Homer. We can only just guess, but you have the power to unravel your motivation and change.

{{{{{{{{{{Homer}}}}}}}}}}

Spidey

Wake up call! This man deserves a Plan B. In fact, the camping trip would be an excellent time. One of the few times I've seen my husband take notice was when I set a boundary over a family activity. His father's family is having a reunion this summer in another state. We've been as a family twice before and had a great time. They are lovely people. At Easter dinner where we were all together, WH, my inlaws and I were talking about going. Later, I told WH unless things were different between us, I wasn't going. I truly believe the kids should see their relatives but I wasn't going to play "happy families". He could take them and I would stay home. That was one of the few times I've seen a break in the fog. We'll see how it settles when the reunion happens in July.

Do it now!

I am reading a book called "Women who men love, Women who men leave" There is a lot about martyrdom and giving too much.
That is me all over when it comes to WH, but a few years ago I started standing up for myself. Starting letting him have it when he belittled me or was rude. What it got me was a husband who went looking for fun somewhere else. Now I have to deal with this crap as well as the "doormat" syndrome. I know exactly what Dr Phil would say...I wish he could come to my house and say a few things to my WH.

I have always stood up for myself when someone crossed the line, but now I am feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place. I walk on eggshells because I don't want to give him an "excuse" to not come home. I have been Plan Aing at the expense of my integrity. But no more, believe me.

I saw a copy of his lease which must mean he is going to come home, but like I posted earlier I don't know what issues to address at MC. The A? The PreA marriage? or the
emotional abuse he is throwing my way currently? I will be honest....I don't see this thing working out. He is so narccisstic that nothing is his fault and he isn't about to change for no one. But at least I want to say that I tried.
Will I allow the abuse to continue...no...it will be addressed. If he does not make a purposeful effort to address this part of himself...I will calmly and directly tell him that under no circumstance can I stay married to him....that I am filing for a D and that he should start looking for a 2brm apartment. I believe that if he would have stayed and not moved out, we may very well have been divorced already. The way he moved out and had continued contact with OW has drawn things out and made it much more painful then it should have been.

As I said perhaps I am just trying to reel him in, take control and end it the way I WANT IT to end. Do I want to hurt him? No....and I am not trying to CONTROL HIM....just get a better grip, regroup and move forward.