Just wondering if anybody can share their experiences where you have decided to work on your M and have NC with OC. My H's OC is almost 4 months old and he has now agreed to NC. I told him he was the one who had to make the decision to either work on our M and have NC with OC, or he could have contact with OC and we could get divorced because I just cannot accept any relationship with OC/OW right now. Wehn H told OW about this plan she of course tried to make him feel guilty about "abandoning" his son. My opinion is that the child won't understand the concept of a father for a few years, and while certainly the optimum situation would be for a child to have both parents, it won't negatively effect him until he's older.

I'd like to know if any WS who made this decision later regretted it, or was glad they made it. Or if you have a story where you were later able to agree to some contact how did that work. Thanks for any info.

Disbelief,
I have not had experience with no contact. I see, however, that LynnG is here again on this forum. She is in a situation where NC was done. If I remember correctly, she was not willing to disrupt her and her children's lives by having contact with the OC. She has some good ideas about setting up a NC situation if that's what you decide to do.

The most recent posting I saw from LynnG is under "Husband Tells Me He Has a 16 yr. old Son:" from LoLo. You might post a specific request to LynnG, asking her if she'd be willing to contact you. I know that there have been others on here in the past that have had no contact. But LynnG is the one I remember best. She can offer some very concrete suggestions if that's the way you decide to go.

NC for almost 2years now, it is great. We have a special situation as to were the xow is a psychotic pathalogical liar.... did not believe paternity because she was claiming it was her Husband's to half the people and then her adultery partners (my Husband) to the other half.

She started stalking me and harrasing our home and my H at work it was insane. We feared for our childrens mental health.

I say the best situation is NO cantact whenever possible, it confuses the children of the marriage and if they have to explain away a child that is younger than them as a step, well then any one with half a brain can figure out the thier father betrayed his family.

I just see it as a big embarrasement for the everyone involved. The OW choose to have a child without a commited father, when she indulged in the adultery... so she should at least save her child the embarrasement of trying to explain its existence away to the world.

I see it as best that way, but I have a friend that is totally opposite and she is not with her H any longer yet still contacts the xow to let her children see thier sibling. Even though her exH refuses to see the OC at all. So everyone has thier own thoughts on the matter.

My H OC is almost 7.5 years old. When I first foudn out about her...she was 6 mos. old, H didn't even know if/when she had been born.

WE met OC & began C when she was 4.5 yo, it was OK...but OW didn't really want C either, she was/is a single mom w/ a younger dd & no man there either...she did not want to deal w/ US @ all. She preferred to deal ONLY w/ H, even to the point of excluding our children from teh mix completey.

After 2 years, numerous court appearances, mediators, & even therapists that worked w/ ALL 3 of us ADULTS...we called it QUITS! The alst time we saw OC was 8/7/04.

Our children have been injured (emotionally & mentally) from both C & NC, but hopefully not scarred forever. We are getting on w/ our lives as best as possible, which is pretty GOOD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Out oldest son (12.5 yo) is doing well w/ NC, he did not fair well w/ C, he had depression & other severe signs of stress related to C. The middle one who will be 5 next month, grew to love his sister & misses her dearly. The youngest is fine, she remembers her sister but is too young to really MISS her.

We were sending letters via snail mail regularly (since C ended) but never get a response....our correspondance is starting to slow down now....the kids are discouraged w/ no response.

I don't regret the decision. I regret that OW could not get past her own personal issues to make it work for OC...becuase it would/could/might have, if she had been COOPERATIVE.

But overall...our lives are PEACEFUL now. No more stress every other week as it was before.

I think NC is the best thing for the marraige & the family of the marriage. It's the best choice in this messed up situation. IMO

sincerely,
kt

Hello,
We have NC for 3 1/2 years. It is the best thing for a marriage. It is very hard to have contact. They sadi that NC is for the best for everyone.

Dawn

Worth sharing?

My uncle had 2 OC while married. One OC contacted my father (bio-uncle) when she was a teen to ask what her bio-dad was like and look at pictures. OC did not want to upset my aunt (uncle had died). OC DID contact her half-sibs at school, which was an upsetting way to find out. They wish parents had told them. OC faded out of our lives, but first she was able to get some questions answered, including medical background. (Notice other OC didn't want c!)

I'm not saying you have to make any different choice. No contact can work well.

I'm just giving another example. If a couple can find in themselves to answer (even if it's only by mail or whatever)
an older OC who wants to ask questions in the same way some adoptees feel a need for bio-background, I think it's healthy, and different from reg. contact.

As stated elsewhere, we had 4y mail contact, 2y no contact, now limited visitation. The no-c break was very healing for us. But limited visitation has been healing in a totally diff. way. So far I don't regret any of our choices (other than H's A!!!!!! Argh)

J

Thanks for all your thoughts on this. Right now we are going with the NC plan, but I have my doubts as to whether OW will respect that decision or keep trying to butt in. In the meantime I'm just trying to do what I can to give my H the strength to ignore her if that happens. I think my biggest issue with C is that my H and I do not yet have children of our own. I don't want him to experience all the "firsts" in a childs life with this OW and OC and then have it be old hat if the time ever comes for us to have a child. As I've said on other posts, I know that sounds selfish but that's what I need and seems to be the one thing I will NOT compromise on. From what I understand from H and OW, he was not involved in any of the typical baby type things until after the C was born (didn't go to dr. visits, wasn't present at the birth, etc) so that helps. That is also why I think that when the OC is old enough to really understand the situation (early teens??)I may be at a point that I could accept a limited relationship between H and OC if they both wanted it. I totally agree that all medical information should be shared whenever requested, and have even asked H to provide it to OW now to get it done with. As much as I hate that this OC exists, I don't want the little one to suffer any more than he has to for his parents mistakes.

((((((((((((disbelief)))))))))

Hugs and support,
J