i came to this sight about a month ago after my husband and i were having problems. there were suttle hints that our marriage was not the way it use to be and i so desperatly wanted it back. i found out that he had been talking to a girl and whan i confronted him about it he said they were "just friends". i then got a copy of his cell bill and found out that he started talking to her on a regular basis after we got home from vacation, within 20 days she and he had spoken to one another 79 times. i asked him what his intentions were with this girl and he said they were friends and she too was having marital problems and they were just someone to talk to. he said a few weeks ago that he wanted a divorce but i was not willing to give up on 8 years, a family or him. we have sat down and talked and he assured me it is nothing more than friendship. i asked him to no longer speak with her but he couldn't do that for us. i recently found out that he lied to me about a trip for his job and found out he went to see her. i found out and went to find them. i did not find them which was probably a good thing for all involved. the next day he would not return my phone calls so i decided to call my lawyer. my husband came home and asked where i was going and i told him was just goin to a friends house. he once again said he needed to talk to me and i gave him that. he said he loved me and did not want to lose his family and i agreed. he said he would not have anymore contact with her. she now calls his phone but puts a block so i can not tell that it is her. the other night he came clean and said that he had slept with her about 2 weeks ago!! this is during the time that he led me to believe that we were going to work things out. this is not the first affair i have had to deal with. when we first started dating he was with an ex-girlfriend. it has been 8 years for that affair and it is still in myheart. now i have another to deal with. i am so confused, hurt and numb that i do not know what to do. i feel that he owes me the truth about everything but he is not willing to give up information on his own. i had to continuously ask questions to find out about the new affair. i guess what hurts so much is that before we got married we both promised one another that we would never have an affair because we both were in marriages before that ended that way. it was a pact that we said that if either one of us felt the need for an affair we would tell the other to either work on the marrige or call it quits. he broke that pact and i don't know what to do. i want the marrige to work but i hate that i was lied to and our pact was broken.i don't want to try working on this marrige thinking about what if there is another time. please help me cope with this pain and help me understand!!

Theway,

It kills me that people can do this to each other even after they have experienced it themselves (and in your case, even made a pact NOT to do that to each other).

Both OW who I dealt with had been hurt by unfaithful husbands who they divorced, saying they would never do that to anyone. Of course they both remarried and then had affairs.

The only explanation I have ever come up with is that they truly do not want to lose their marriage, and believe they will not lose their marriage as long as nobody finds out. It never occurs to them that they will be found out and that the damage they have done will be hard to heal. They really feel that their own happiness is more important, even if it means changing their own deeply held beliefs.

By breaking your pact your husband has dug a hole for the both of you that will be very hard to dig out of. But it can be done. The anger and pain you feel is all very normal and it will take some time to sort out all of the feelings you have. THe fact that this is not the first time your husband has been unfaithful to you makes trust and healing all the more difficult (see my sig line... I know whereof I speak). But it can be done.

First things first. Are you and your husband in counseling? You really need to sit down with a professional so he can figure out why he feels it is OK to do this to you and your family. He has some serious soul-searching to do and he needs to understand just how deeply he has hurt you.

Also read as much on this site as you can and keep posting. Many here understand exactly where you are and can help.

~ Snow

He should have known better than to turn out of the marriage to try and solve his problems. Prepare yourself for the fact that there may be a great deal more to that relationship. It didn't start overnight, and it may take a bit to get rid of her. Do a good plan a. Sounds like you have made all the right moves so far. She will try to suck him back in again, so insist on NC. Your H will try to rewrite your marital history to justify his actions. Hang in there. I am glad that he wants to work on things, this is very positive. Keep reading here. Be the soft place he falls as he is going thru this. He will thank you later.

Well here I am to keep up to date on my post. I feel the need to know everything about my H's affair but when I want specifis details of when and where he told me where but can't tell me when. It is very important to me that I know when it happened. there had been so much stuff going on and so many reassurances on his part that it is a must that I know when it happened. We sat down a couple times to figure things out and the first talk resulted in him wanting a divorce. I at the time did not feel the need to argue so I said ok (but i was not ok wit it). That was before I found out about the affair. Then we talked again and he said he did not want a divorce he said because he was angry. So we decided to make things work. But then he fessed up to the affair. I need to know for my peace of mind if it was before or after he wanted to work things out. but he can't give me the date. Am I wrong in thinking it obviously was after we spoke about working it out? After he told me I was in complete shock, was not sure how to express myself so for 2 days I kept myself extremely busy with the house kids and ect.. Then on the 3rd day it all hit me. I was so disgusted, hurt and mad. I came home and called the OW's husband to speak with him and tell him what I found out (out of being angry.you better believe it!)I knew he would then call his wife and tell her i called but I did not care. When she called me back she denied the whole thing. When i asked her why my husband would say it was her if it was not she had nothing to say except that it was someone else. I just don't get it!!!! Why lie to me when I already know the truth (I think). So now I wonder, was it someone else? I told my husband that i contacted the OW's husband and told him and my H got upset with me saying that I never should have done that because now it would get ugly. But I did not care. That "you hurt me so I'm going to hurt you" came out. but I seriously do not feel guilty calling her husband.I feel he should know everything about this as i do. I never asked for these people to be in my life. She chose to be. My husband did ask me to get our cell #'s changed which to me is a big step. But there is still the little person inside that can't move forward till I know everything. Is this wrong? The other night we were in bed and everything was going good and all of a sudden I got a sick feeling and had to stop. Is this normal? I seriously want to move on but once in a while I look at him and think "how could you". I never in my wildest dreams could ever do this to him nomatter how bad things got. I thnk one of the things that hurts me is that the night of the affair I was home with our combined total of kids. Hethen came home and slept in our bed. I think to myself how could we be sleeping with her knowing i was home with the kids and then come sleep in our bed with me. I asked him if we had sex the night of his affair and he said no. He said he did use protection but without a date how can i be sure he did not have sex with me? All these thoughts run through my head and the are driving my crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please respond with some insight on these issues I have <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />