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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 90
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 90 |
Sometimes i think if i just blame myself for my H 3month A with a co-worker it would be easier.He said it was all him. I think sometimes there has to be something i did.does anyone else feel this way?
Thanks
LL
ME 31 bs
him 30 fws
2 children boy 11 girl 6
married 13yrs
d-day x-mas 2004
strong recovery ever since
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,204
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Posts: 2,204 |
Don't blame yourself - please don't
You may have contributed to the state of the Marriage pre-A - but it was his choice - it is all him.
Don't focus on the blame, focus on the solutions to problems you had pre-A - he is right - it's him - sadly it's all him...but problems in the M may have been there before and allowed him to justify his frame of mind...find those problems and fix em together!
-dorry
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 90
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 90 |
DS,
Thanx again for your advice. Like i said before we have fix i believe everything which was big lack of commuication.
We know are open about everything.I still feel he did'nt tell me everything about the A.I'm starting to feel okay about that because i know what a mistake it was and how he'd wished he could take it back.
LL
ME 31 bs
him 30 fws
2 children boy 11 girl 6
married 13yrs
d-day x-mas 2004
strong recovery ever since
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
shiningthrough, [a BS] said something about this that I thought was very profound. He said "if I blame myself then I don't have to deal with the hard work of forgiving my W." I thought that was a very insightful statement.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 224
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Posts: 224 |
I have said that I did not cause my FWW's A, but I could of prevented it.
Don't blame yourself, but at least in my case, I was 50% to blame for setting the stage for her to have an A.
Wow..this recovery thing sucks. Did you know that I feel murdering someone is more humane then cheating on them? The dead don't think about being killed...the BS thinks about the A everyday
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,091
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IF you blame yourself for your H's A....then you might as well blame yourself for EVERY decision that your H has made.
Doesn't really make sense does it?
BS(me) 35 - WH -36 / 3 Daughters / Multiple DDays / Seperated 3 Times/ In Recovery Since 10/01
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 90
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Posts: 90 |
I really don't think i blame myself, like you say you could of preventrd it. But this Ow always told my H she wanted to have sex with him.My H was one who like sex.I on the other hand wanted to fel that love. So maybe by not being sexual all the time he felt rejected. He had someone else saying how much they wanted him.This other person was married too.When it comes down to it my H i feel was used she told him so many sob stories which were not true.Do i think he deserved to be used?I don't know.This is why i blame me sometimes.
LL
ME 31 bs
him 30 fws
2 children boy 11 girl 6
married 13yrs
d-day x-mas 2004
strong recovery ever since
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Joined: Oct 2000
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If you pulled his pants down for him then you can go ahead and blame yourself.
Pep
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Joined: Jan 2005
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If you pulled his pants down for him then you can go ahead and blame yourself. Why i found this so funny Pepper - i Don't know - you are SO right, and the way you put it made me laugh... Well said! -dorry
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,929
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Joined: Sep 2003
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ML - wow. What insight!
That compares to blaming the OP so that you don't have to blame the WS. Better to hate someone other than your S.
I was guilty of blaming myself for a time in early recovery. I am a pro at not liking myself and am used to it. I couldn't imagine blaming, hating and then having to forgive DFW.
Like Pep says, If you unzipped him, then blame yourself.
Me (RBW) 6w5
DFW (RWH) 3w2
Established 1/93
Rebuilding since 9/03
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 90
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Well i surly did'nt do that.
ME 31 bs
him 30 fws
2 children boy 11 girl 6
married 13yrs
d-day x-mas 2004
strong recovery ever since
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 90
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 90 |
Anyone else have input?
LL
ME 31 bs
him 30 fws
2 children boy 11 girl 6
married 13yrs
d-day x-mas 2004
strong recovery ever since
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