My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children, ages 5 and 2. I fear my husband is having an affair. He has been working late nights and always seems to be on the telephone. I’ve checked the phone bill and haven’t noticed anything out of the ordinary, but he’s been acting so strangely! Yesterday, I was doing laundry and I found a piece of paper in his pants pocket... it said, “1Suite – 8509.” It breaks my heart to think that he is meeting someone at a hotel room instead of coming home to be with me and the children. I know I have to work up the courage to confront him, but I honestly don’t know how. I had always thought we had a good, loving relationship, but maybe I was wrong. Please, can anyone offer any advice? I'm new here, and just don't know where to turn. I feel so ashamed.

My advice is to NOT confront him until you have something with which to confront him about. Because, if your suspicions are wrong, you will just cause damage by insulting him and if you are right, he will just deny it and do a better job of hiding it. He is not likely to bust himself just because you ask.

The first thing you have to do is find out what is really happening. Hire a P.I., put a voice recorder on your phone,etc. do what you have to do to find out the truth.

hmswthm97,

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you've come to a good place for help. If you've come to this point, your suspicions are probably correct.

It is possible for a family to recover from an A, but it's a long, long road from here to recovery. You are going to have to pace yourself and discipline yourself to do some difficult things. Click on the "concepts" link at the top of the page, and look for the articles on "Plan A" and "Plan B". You will be advised to go into "Plan A".

The first priority is nailing it down.
Then, the next step is confrontation and exposure.

If the other woman (OW) is married, that helps a lot since you can expose the affair to her husband - who will become your ally in stopping the affair.

How long has his suspicious behaviour been going on?

Does he have a cell phone? Cell phone records are great sources of information in tracking down an affair.

Can you get into his email?

There are keylogging programs you can use to capture his passwords at home if he's using email boxes that you don't have access to.

For about $300, you could get a GPS tracker to put in his car.

Some people also put voice activated recorders in their spouse's car.

I myself have failed to stop my W's affair. Some of the more successful folks will be along shortly.

-AD

Do not lay down your hand until you are holding 4 aces. You will get nothing but denial if it is true. Put on a happy face for now and search your soul to find why he may be with someone else. Meet that need of his quickly! Use this time to gather some info. The fact that it said suite leads me to believe it could be a business address. Do not let your guard down though. If he has just recently started to work late you may be on to something.
Ask him to call you if he is going to be late and to give you plenty of notice. Tell him you need to plan dinner for him and you really need to know. The first time he calls you and tells you he may be a few hours late, pack up the kids and be ready to follow him. If he leaves work on time you know where he is headed don't you? Do not confront him at this time. The kids don't need to see this. Time is on your side right now. Use it wisely! Good luck

Dear 97,
I am sorry you are questioning your husband and your marriage. As you can see you'll get varying opinions as what you should from people on this site. I don't think waiting helps in any way. I recommend you just come out and ask him. The story of too many people on this site (mine included) is that they suspected something but blew it off as nothing or they were too afraid to confront their spouse. Only to find out later their suspicions were true. It's better to suffer a little conflict now, even if your H is not up to anything than it is to experience later the pain and hurt us BS's have and continue to feel.

Rocked, no one is suggesting that she blow it off; just the opposite. What we are suggesting is that it is useless to confront him without evidence. If it is true, she will get nothing but denials and he will work harder at hiding it. If it isn't, he will just be insulted. What she needs to do is investigate and find out what is really happening - and THEN confront him with the facts. That is a far cry from blowing it off.

Like BKarl stated so eloquently: "Do not lay down your hand until you are holding 4 aces. You will get nothing but denial if it is true."

How are you doing today, distraught?

~ Snow

I've been a little overwhelmed and the weekend is never good for me on the computer... Thank you all so much for your input. I can see I have a lot to sort out.

This might be a long shot, but there’s a calling card service called “OneSuite.” Chances are, that number is just a pin number or something, and he’s using the calling card for work! I guess it doesn’t mean he’s not having an affair, but definitely talk to him, because it may not be what you’re thinking!

Good call.... I happen to live in the great wheat state and can only think of 3 cities that would have hotels that would have an 8th floor and very few that would require a room number such as 8509 (that would either indicate that there were over 500 rooms per floor or 5 distinct wings on the 8th floor. I do think the pin number is probably more accurate. So the question would be why does he have it? I don't know many businesses that use these at work, so it would make sense that he's using it to call someone long distance. Does he have any family or friends going through rough times who he might call during the day or early evening while at work?

That you're concerned is good, but to confront with no proof is bad. Plus everything you've said thus far could be written off as coincedence. However, the feelings are real, so it begs to be investigated further. If he works close by, go grocery shopping in the evening and see if his car is there. Get involved with his work, ask him what he's working on. Look for inconsistancies. While at the same time, read up on this site and work on yourself....

Yes, onesuite.com is an online long distance service. It is a pre-paid service that you use from up to 4 of your own telephone numbers (I think) (I use it for both my work and home phones). These do not show up on your regular phone bills...they only show up online. The number may be a password for the account. If you go to the website he may have set it up as an automatic sign on...or you can try to guess the login in then try the number. The service uses an 800 # or a local access number and then are billed automatically against your account which you recharge as necessary. (I use this service for all our long dist. 2.5 cts/min in U.S. and not min. or svc.)

Anyway, that makes the most sense. It is also conceivable that someone like a long distance affair partner could be letting him use their account if they added his phone number on their account. (this is not for cell phones)