My wife and I are separated and I wish we were not. The reason she tells me is that I emotionally controlled her. I now know what this actually means (I did not meet the most important emotional need which I now have identified). That is great but at times I feel like it is too late!?!?!? I feel that the underling problem is that she is now or has been having an affair. Over the past three weeks I have only communicated with her when involving the kids (son 6 and daughter 18mths). These meetings /conversations have been very light and non-confrontational. I have resisted to react to her outburst and anger. I feel that the best thing I can do at this point is to listen and give her the emotional support she needs. I would like your advice on how to win her back when she is in an affair and if their is anything I can do to stop it. Another infulence is her unmarried friends or the friends who have been through a terriable D themselves.

1. Do I confront her even though I do not have pictures.
2. Do I keep up with the miminal contact until the affair is "OVER" if ever.


Thank you I need ADVICE!!!

OK - First, have you read the articles on the home page of this site?

1. You really need to read those articles and questions and answers. They hold many of the answers to your questions. For the rest, come here. People will try to help.

2. Go to the bookstore at the top of the page, click on it and order two books: Surviving An Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs.

3. While you are waiting for the books, re read the articles on the web site, especially the part about Plan A.

4. You probably will need to get proof. Check phone bills, cell phone bills, caller ids. Where is she living? Can you follow her? Where does she work? Is she too "close and friendly" with a coworker?

I hired a PI and dug pretty deep. But it was worth it. If there is an affair, you deserve to know. It is your life, too. Meanwhile, Plan A your tail off.

Good luck.

My wife the WS is currently going through a lot of conflict. She is fighting her emotions and gets angry when she starts to show any around me. We have a lot of roses growing at the house and when she comes to see the kids I will usually cut three and give to her to take home. At first she would give them immediately to the kids but now she looks at them and with thought. She is also gets angry at times but I don't react and I simply say have a good week like nothing is wrong.

She still thinks that I don’t have a clue about the affair!?!?!

My problem is that I don’t know how to address it with when it is time. Right now I am tiring to just let the affair run it course and be the person she married - which is tough.

Any direction or advice?????

First, it's not too late.

It's hard to tell from your post - did she move out or did you? Who is taking care of the kids?

What were her explicit reasons for separating? What contact do you have with her family (your in-laws)?

An affair is very likely. What are the clues you have?

And see Starz questions above...what do you know about the MB 'plans' for resolving affairs and recovering from them? Have you read the site, etc???

She moved out and we both have the kids. The only thing she has said is that I Emotionally controlled HER? I have an understanding what this means after reading the emotional needs and his need, her needs and I am addressing these very carefully now (as to not come on to strong).

I have and still have a close relationship with her parents. Her father is convinced that she is BI polar and her mother is confident that she has some sort of hormonal in balance. I don’t know and neither I nor her parents can suggest any type of help she is only listening to her brother and his girl friend. You ask why don’t we approach her brother?? Because he does not want to support her through any situation and does not want to get involved!?!?!

Swade-

First of all, I'm sure there were things (EN's) that she needed to have filled that you weren't filling....that's pretty much a given. I don't, however, want you to think that you actually emotionally controlled her....what does that even mean?? Have you ever asked her that?

She is rationalizing, making you the *bad guy*....because if you are a terrible and controlling person, then it must be okay to have an affair, right?

You need to get some proof of the affair, first and foremost.....unrefutable proof, because she WILL try to deny it, present her with the proof......you will have to do some digging to find this sort of stuff....find out everything you can about the OM too, because you will need it, is the OM married also??? You need to do all this background work before you confront her, because the WS WILL try to talk their way out of it...they WILL try to make you think you are crazy, and they are surprisingly convincing.......so make sure you have your bases covered, because after you have gathered your irrefutable evidence, and found out info on the OM.....you are going to EXPOSE to anyone that would be of influence.....bosses (if they work together), relatives, friends...etc. I know it sounds harsh, but it is necessary to make them uncomfortable...to break their little fantasy bubble and let the real world come in.

Until then, I think the things you are doing, such as the roses, are good. If you give her a bunch of *nicey nice* stuff to think about you she is going to start doubting her reasons......that's why she gets upset sometimes about the flowers and her emotions.....she's conflicted (BTW, the fact she's conflicted is a good sign).

Please look at the reading above that was suggested also, and while you're doing all this sleuth work, you need to be meeting those Emotional Needs like a crazy person.

Hope this helps,

-Caren

Someone else said it before I did, but it seems to be a recurrent theme. There are very few WS who don't say their spouse is controlling.

My XW said I was controlling.

Yes I was, I liked the dishes be placed in the dishwasher instead of stacked on the counter when someone was done with a plate or glass.

I thought a 13 year old girl could and should help with housework.

I thought that one should spend less than they make.

I think it's best to check your oil every time you stop for gas.

I like to have a calendar of events so I know when my YD has something going on at school. XWW thought it was best just to keep them in her head and then to hey you me on her way out the door, asking if I wanted to go to the concert, recital, soccer game.

I'm coming to the conclusion that what many WS call control is just they don't want to try to find ways to work with you anymore.

If others are like my wife, they say things like:

"You should be happy with the amount of time you spend with YD." (Certainly a DJ, and somewhat controlling.)

"It's because of your genetics that YD is manipulative." (Oh, and it's not because she spends 11 of every 14 days with me, watched me lie to my XH and family, and am still dating a married man.)

"If you loved me, you would know what to do." (Manipulative and requires mind reading.)

"You should fold the towels this way." (Controlling)

"You can never admit you are wrong." This one came after I admitted that there were so many things I did wrong.

"I can't be myself around you." (Manipulative, I wanted you to be yourself. So do you mean to tell me that being a liar and a cheat is who you really are?)

"I didn't feel loved. I only wanted to feel loved. "

That last one was probably the closest thing to her owning anything.

The one thing I'm certain about is that my XW did feel controlled. The problem is, I didn't want to control her. I did want to have a discussion and work out how things were done around the house. I did express resentment that I bought things for her and SD and felt my efforts were not appreciated or respected.

One example of this last one comes to mind. I'm a car nut. For most of our marriage, I made sure my XW had the minivan she wanted. Well, can say I know what a $30K trash can looks like.

Today, she has the same number of kids as before, they are about 2 years older than they were when she started her affair, and she has been driving a New Beatle for about a year now. The thing is always spotless when I see it. No trash on the inside, the outside is usually clean.

Hmmm.

I'm not saying you shouldn't examine your behavior to see if there are not areas where you try to control things you shouldn't. However, I am also saying take the complaints of control from WS's with a grain of salt. It could just as easily be an attempt to justify an affair.

T

Oh, one more thing. One thing my XW said was that she had a hard time arguing with my logic. If we would discuss something, I would explain why I feel the way I feel, why I wanted to do something a certain way.

She said she often felt she couldn't argue against what I said. She was convinced by me.

So she now calls that being controlled.

So it's my fault she couldn't present what she wanted, or didn't feel confident enough about herself to say, I understand your logic, I still want to do it this way because.

I think often times control and power are confused. I believe she didn't feel she had as much power in the relationship as I did. She certainly didn't feel she had financial power with me earning 5x what she did, if not more.

Some might say that I was controlling because I managed all the bills. The truth is, she was invited to sit down with me when I paid the bills so she could see where the money was going. Instead, she just got upset when I said we couldn't do something, or when I asked her to spend less.

At the risk of a DJ, I shared that I felt like I was just an ATM machine to her. About a month ago, I shared with her how I disciplined YD because she was going through my wallet looking for money without asking permission to go through my things.

XW just said, "good, she is learning early."

Wow, if that wasn't a stab in the back and something to help confirm how I felt.

I didn't laugh, obviously, nor did I rise to that bait.

Enough about me. I just wanted to offer a few things to think about when you hear about control. It might be about power, it might be justification or manipuation, or it might be a genuine concern.

Examine your own behavior to see if you try to control her, or if you just express your preferences and seek to find ways to work together.

BTW, feel free to check your oil as often as I like. I prefer everytime you stop for fuel because it's what is recommended in most owners manuals. However, to say you SHOULD do that is controlling. So say I feel it's best is merely a statement of opinion or preference.

T

I was labelled as controlling too. Another thing about this is how many other people can get on the bandwagon. If you are not careful, you end up believing it, even though you still haven't got the foggiest idea why in the world everyone is saying that.

dewt

I went as far as reading "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. Both me and my IC said I was opinionated, self reliant and like to do things a certain way.

I expressed that I wasn't happy the minivan was a trash can, but I didn't "punish" her for it.

I did assert my boundary that I couldn't be enthusiastic about buying other things when I felt the things I'd purchased were not treated with respect.

Power, yes.

Boundary, yes.

Control, nope.

T

OK, swade, here's what you do.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

ASSUME she's in an affair and keep your eyes and ears open and DON'T accuse her of being in an affair. Just do your Plan A. This is the beauty of Plan A - you do it all on your own and whether or not she's in an affair, your marriage has a good chance of improving.

Again, DON'T accuse her. Lay low and keep a steady watch and if an affair is on-going, sooner or later you'll stumble across proof. WSs get very careless when they think they're pulling the wool over everyone's eyes.

I guess it's possible that being bi-polar could cause similar indications and most of us are not shrinks. So do some Googling and she what you can find on that and see if there's any match.

But my money's on an affair. If we're right, Plan A is what you do with emphasis on eliminating LBs and be the best Dad you can be.

WAT

Im Back and the Info is very helpful.

She has called three times today and I will not answer the phone !! Thank God for caller ID!! I want her to wonder what I am doing and if she needed something she would leave a message. I have the kids so there is no emergency there.

swade, are you certain she is having an affair? If so, why have you not addressed this with her yet?

I am 99% confident . If she is I would rather have proof before I accuse.

I am also having a problem with this because I want to ask her. I guess I don’t know how with out pissing her off and making my life more of a headache. ANY Suggestions

If you are 99% sure, I would confront her about it now and then get to exposing the affair. Exposure is the most effective tool you have in your arsenal to hasten the end of the affair. Generally, it is a good idea to notify her family, your family, any close friends. This puts great pressure on the affair as it can't survive without secrecy.

Is the OM married? If so, his wife should be your first exposure target.

Also, its' ok to piss her off as long as its done for a good reason. Letting her know that you know about her affair is a darn good reason and I am surprised you have put it off.

I am going to confront her once I get Pictures for proof when it gets to the courts. I personally hope it don’t for many reasons but I WILL NOT BE A DOOR MAT PERIOD !!!!

I did confront her parents and they told me to get a PI and her brother most likely knows because that is who she is living with. Old friends know - New friends are supporting her (Brothers Girlfriend and her 30 year friends) I am 38 and she is 35. I should be going through the mid life crises!?!?!?!?!?

I will start tomorrow - Maybe a new car

swade, I would suggest confronting her NOW before it ever gets to the courts. Hopefully, you can break up the affair before it gets that far. And exposure is the way to do it. Unless you want to end your marriage, I would get to work on busting up this affair pretty quick before its gets cemented and they get used to each other.

Time is a ticking away, and the more time goes by, the less able you will be to pull your wife out of an affair.

Have you already hired the P.I. then? When will he have pictures?

She wants to go to chick-fil tonight I dont know if I want to go or let her think about her actions. I personally would love to see her.....

Wait a minute, swade.........
What the heck are you doing?

Are you in Plan B? I don't think so.

Sure, it's OK for her to wonder what you're doing, but you need to be in Plan A. You answer her calls and do your best to make love bank deposits. You cannot display to her that you're worthy of being a good husband if you don't conduct yourself like an adult.


The most important question we can ask you right now is, do you want to "win" and be right, or do you want to save your marriage and family?

My earlier advice to not accuse her of having an affair was based on my assumption that you had already questioned her. If my assumption was wrong, by all means you should calmly communicate your suspicions and calmly declare your desire to save the marriage.

Unless you want a divorce.

If this is what you want because you cannot stand to imagine your pride being trampled, then hire that PI, get the pictures, and break up your family. That way, you "win." Congrats.

WAT