I have not accused or let her know that I even had any suspect ion of her affair because I do want the marriage to work with a lot of counseling!!

Update I did call her back and we will be meeting for supper tonight. Unfortunately the kids will be with so I can’t spend any QUALITY TIME ALONE with her but it is a start. I just need to remain attentive to her needs and think rationally in conversation.

Update

We including the kids had a good dinner last night. Keeping my ears open and my feet flat on the ground. After about 10 min of general conversation she seemed to drop her walls and talked more freely. As she was leaving to "go HOME" she told me that she had made a lot of mistakes and but not elaborate.

I am fighting with myself because I want to call her but I don’t want to PUSH it and drive her away

Any suggestions on how to make addition deposits in her LB with actually making verbal contact.

Regards

Good swade.

You need to represent a safe harbor for her.

The "mistakes" statement could have very likely been a result of you not pressing her. She may ahve felt safer with you.

Keep doing whatever you did to cause her to drop here shield a little - and be patient.

It's OK to call her. Just be light and casual and no questions that could be received as "prying."

WAT

huh? If you want the marriage to work, then you had better start being truthful. Pretending is not going to help you. You must get the truth out on the table in order to fix anything. You are wasting your time otherwise. You can't fix something unless you acknowledge the problem.

Why in the world are you not discussing her affair with her if you are 99% sure it is true? What would be the point of hiding this?

I will bring the affair topic up as so as I get proof!! I have been advised by not only my ATTY but her parents to get a distant friend to get the proof (Pictures) and not a PI. The reason for this is that in the state I reside I have to declare to her ATTY. if I have hired a PI at any point in our marriage and disclose name address and info. obtained. If I get a distance friend one that she does not know and not pay or hire them then I don’t have to disclose the Info. Thus having an ace in the hole if she gets very bitter in the end. The proof would not be used until it is needed in the end.

I will confront her with due diligence face to face about the affair but I am not going to put all the cards on the table or show my total hand at this point.

Note I text messg her this evening and asked her to go to the park or to see a movie Sat afternoon.

swade, part of plan A is exposing the affair, which means telling the spouse that you know of her affair. If you want to save your marriage, you must confront her with this - and soon. There is no reason to withhold this information unless you are planning on divorcing her and only want to use it against her in a D action.

Since your marriage doesn't have a hope in hell unless you confront her with what you know, are you having your friend follow her now so you can confront her very shortly? Or are you planning on divorcing her?

This information should not be held because it is NEEDED NOW. If you want to save your marriage. See, you aren't going to save your marriage until the truth comes out. You can't work on a problem if you are actively hiding the problem.

Why are you hiding your knowledge of this affair, swade? I am absolutely baffled at this. Why are you doing that?

Well !!!!!!!!!

I did not have to ask her about the AFFAIR>

We were at supper just she and I which started out great. I listened to her very closely and kept reactions to my self. 1/2 hour later she started accusing me of everything and how I treated her like her father had treated her mother. Their is similarity but as she put it very little. She said in her eyes she did not want to continue because she did not want to put with what her mother did. I quote I don’t hate you I want to separate/break the hurt my dad caused my mother. With all due respect I HAVE TRANSFORMED OVER THE YEARS INTO HER FATHER. Not only out of my own childhood wounds but in a way she changed me to react to her. She would always tell me that I WOULD NEVER LOVE HER EVEN THOUGH I DUE PASSIONALITY, I had got to a point where I just stopped trying because I would get the same response.

To make a long story short - SHE as well as I got very emotional and she told me that their is somebody else out that would show me the love I needed. SHE COMMITED TO ME THAT SHE DID NOT HAVE A BOY FRIEND BUT HAD COMMITED AN AFFAIR TO HURT ME, BUT DID NOT KNOW WHY?

SHE ASKED ME THAT I DID NOT DESERVE HER AND TO LET HER GO< SHE WOULD GIVE ME EVERYTHING.

How should I respond going forward?????????

SWADE

My wife came back tonight and want to have x to see if it was still their!!!! Told me to just go with it.?!?!?!?!? Being the male I am I guess I will just have toooooo . Or should I.??? I feel like she honest but I also feel that she is just using or entrapping me!!!!!!

Will

Who is out their

Swade

Update Today Monday

Of course she went home to her brothers) last night - this morning I called and asked if she would like to go to a 2:00 movie. She said yes to star wars and asked if we could take son I agreed. She called back and asked to go to lunch before the movie. WE did. After the movie she came by the my house to pick up our daughter because it was her week to take care of the kids.

During the day she agreed to go to marriage counseling together and give it a try. Appoint set for JUNE 9th.

When she was leaving she got upset again and told me that she was really messed up in the head and did not know if she could TRUST ME?????? I about came out of my skin because she is the one that had an affair. I kept my composure because there is nothing I could say on that subject outside of C that would be heard. I gave her a long hug with out saying anything and then I looked at her in the eyes and told her that she was beautiful and I loved her...

Should I back off for a few days and let everything catch up or should I keep pouring it on??????

HELP

SWADE 38
WS 35
son 6
Daughter 19 mths

Is their any body out there

My wife and I went out on a date last night. Bacically to dinner and to shoot pool. I took to a little town about 45 min from where we (now I) live. Went real well!!!!!

She is still blaming me for everything ?? even though she has admitted to an affair.

Concerning the affair from what I can tell is that it is over?!?! I am still Investigating.

If you have been following the post above you will notice that the situation had gotten better (Much Better)

Well Today she called and told me that she is being pulled in two different directions. She is claiming that her therapies are telling her that I can never fulfill her needs emotionally. This concerns me because I have never met her therapist.

I don’t know if it is her "Therapist" her "Friends" Or her AFFAIR. Which I don’t think it has rekindled yet.

I am still showing her all the emotional needs and support in Plan A and I feel that she is VERY CONFUSED.

1 Should I keep pouring it on with out becoming a door mat?
2 what else can I do to sweep her off her feet.
NOTE - this past weekend was her birthday- she turned 36- I gave her 36 roses- 14 of them were yellow for the 14 years we have been together - 8 were pink for the 8 years of marriage - 2 were white for our two children - 12 red representing my love (the standard DZ ROSES). She was floored that I had put so much thought into it. As the above post show.

Have you guys filled out the emotional needs questionaire? Do you know what emotional needs she has?

Edited to add: Earlier in the thread you said you knew her main emotional need. Have you been able to work on that?

Sounds like you have been doing very well so far.

I have filled one out> But she has not yet> does not see the need.

My assumptions of her needs were based on reflecting on the past as well as closely listening to her concerns (complaints) in the present. Also by reading a number of excellent books such as - 5 languages of love, Personality Plus. I hope in the near future I can get her to fill the needs questionnaire out to closely zero in as we go forward
.

UPDATE

Today was my b-DAY and we went out to eat with the kids.

In setting this dinner my wife got very angry with me because I would not make a decision on where to eat. I simply asked that we go to both locations and see what the wait time (If any was and make a discussion form that. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. After realizing the growing anger in her voice I told her that I would call her back with a plan and quickly ended the phone conversation. Plans were set; the kids and I picked her up and dinner was served. At dinner she apologized for her actions and told we that her hormones were raging and her actions were uncalled for. WE finished dinner and I took her home trying to keep things very lite. She invited me in and the family watched the end of a movie; put the kids to bed at her house and I proceeded to go home for the evening. She walked me out to my truck and told me that our 6-year-old son was becoming very defiant and difficult with her because he was not minding her at all!!!! She asked me if I was having the same problems? I told her that nothing out of the ordinary for a 6 YO trying to find his boundaries. She told me that the only way she could get his attention was to spank him. I responded that I was able to get his attention by getting down on his level face to face and discuss the situation.

I am angry because she is treating our son the same way that her father has and is still treating her. I also feel that this is one of the reasons that she and I are separated now. But now she is not able to project these feelings on me because I am meeting all of her Emotional needs so she is reflecting these feelings on our son to get his reaction

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE????
HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THIS TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN???

I NEED FEED BACK PLEASE!!!!!
-

NO, WS' actions rarely make sense. Now for her to project her frustration and anger on any child s/b a warning sign. Let her know that while discipline maybe needed, unrestrained or untempered discipline borders abuse. Let her know that her actions either need to be corrected with counselng (which she needs to seek out) or others will get it for her. No further explanation. Put her on the alert if you can.

Stick by your guns on this one. Abuse to one's children often goes unnoticed for a long time. Not fair to the chlidren.

JMHO,
L.

She has her counselor I have my counselor and she has agreed to marriage counseling. I don’t know if the MC will ever happen our first session was last week and she did not make it. The next secession is wed 6/15 will see if she make it? Hopefully time will heal and we can rebuild the family we once had.

My plan from this point forward is to get someone neutral for our son to talk too and see if they can find out anything.

How r u doing?

L.

She came to MC today!!!!

She got very emotional and everything came out!

She told the C that the only reason she was there was to help me to move on with my life? I personally thought I was doing fine - Still heart broken - but I do NOT show her that. I show her a strong and confident person with a lot of love and emotions for the KIDS and the people who treat me with the same. Which will include her at times more then I may realize. I have implemented a very strong plan A and am hoping for the best.

In the C session she would emotionally express how everything was my fault and that their would not be any reconciliation but wanted to be sure I was ok????? The therapist worked wonders and she agreed to continue to participate in the C for the sake of ME and the KIDS.
She said in an extremely emotional (crying State) and I quote "I am to strong of a Person to worry about myself as we go through this".

In short at this point I don’t know what the future holds for the marriage!

My goal is to GROW personally and learn from the mistakes but at all cost try to reconcile the marriage with help form a licence C.

Swade

Swade -

Your situation sounds very, very encouraging. You seemed to have done a good enough Plan A that your wife still wants to do things with you.

As for the counseling - go for it. There have been several people here whose spouse only went to counseling to "make the divorce" easier, who are now reconciled.

Keep up the great job.