This is my 1st post here and I dont really know where to begin. But Ill try to make this short.

About 2 months ago I find out that my W is having an A with my best friend. I found out by logging MSN and AIM traffic though my network. Even though they were talking about having a candlelight shower together in the past tense, she vigorously denied anything was going on. Until I got very angry (because I knew she was lying to me) then she told me that they were just talking about having sex but they hadnt done anything yet.

During the last month she kept disappearing during the night and would be gone ALL NIGHT. This would happen about twice a week. When this would happen she would come home the next day and say she had slept in a rest stop about 75 miles from here. Which happens to be in the exact same area as where my friend works. He works at night in a shop by himself and there is a bed in the shop. Ive known the owner of the shop for years and was able to confirm through him (and other sources) that my wife had been there on the last night that she disappeared.

At first, she denied that she went there. Then she said that she went there, they "kissed", and then she left to go sleep in the rest stop.

One week ago today, my wife came home and told me "everything". She told me that she had kissed my friends wife and my friend on 4 different occasions. And she told me that one of the "kisses" happened before I had confronted her about it with the proof I had logged from the IM.

Since the confession Im pretty sure that she has had no contact with either one of them and she seems like she really wants to work this out, and so do I. But the only problem I have is that I dont beleive her. There have been so many lies in the last few months that its hard to know what to believe and who to trust.

I think that there was more than just kissing going on because of the past tense conversation and all the nights that she disappeared.

How can I ever overcome this resentment if I think that she is still lying to me about the affair? If she would just tell me the truth then I can go through the pain and hopefully heal after that. Or maybe she is telling the truth... i dont know.

enigma BH,
Welcome to MB site and so sorry you had to find your way here b/c of your wife's unfaithfulness. You are about to go down a very long and hard road, but be grateful you found this site. There are so many people here who can help you on your journey and keep you from going insane while you sort out this whole mess.
Weekends tend to be very slow so be patient waiting for responses. You need to begin by reading everything on this site about infidelity. Not just discussion forums, but everything Dr. Harley has on site re: infidelity. The causes, and how they should end, etc.
Read Wat's quick start guide to betrayed spouse and anything else regarding what you should do now. This will be a very long roller coaster ride for you, but many here have been down this road and you will truly benefit from their very wise advise.
I will watch your post's and jump in when I can, but there are so many here much wiser than me.
Hang in there, there is a way out of this dark tunnel.
God Bless,
Jerry

enigma, she is not telling you the truth and I am sure you realize that. You don't have to have an admission from her to prove what you already know is true. I would suggest this strategy:

1. Put spyware on her computer and see what she is talking about. A good one is Actmon.com home version. You can set it up to have the reports emailed to you at another location

2. Check for about a week to see if you can get some good evidence

3. Call the OM's wife and tell her about the affair. Produce any evidence if you have it. You have enough now, but something more concrete would be better

4. Start Plan A right away and make it a safe environment for her to stop lying to you

I would make it clear to her, in a respectful way, that you must know the truth in order to move forward. Your marriage has no hope of survival if it is based on lies. And an affair is information about your life to which you are entitled. She has no right to withhold this information from you.

The purpose of calling the OM's wife is 2-fold. It will help ensure that they don't resume their affair [if they have even stopped] and it should be done out of simple basic decency to warn the woman about what is going on. If his W knows, then there will be 2 people watching them instead of 1.

I find your W's story about kissing the OMW to be unbelievable and is probably intended to make you believe that she fooled around the OM with the W's blessing; that way you won't feel inclined to call the OMW. I suspect it is a ruse.

I would also suggest running to the bookstore and getting Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. It outlines Plan A and will help you understand the dynamics of an affair.

It is not helpful at all to a marriage for one spouse to be staying out all night, enigma. That must stop and I will let suggest laying that down as a boundary. That is crossing the line in a huge way, IMO.

Your thread title is:

Can I overcome resentment if my W is still lying to me?

The answer is

NO, you cannot

and also, the answer is

NO, you should not

If you believe she is still lying to you (and it certainly sounds like she is) ... you have ZERO reason to trust her or anything she says until her ACTIONS consistently show remourse and a willingness to expose all the facts to you so you can form your own opinion.

This situation is typical of an affair:

We are just friends
We just talk
We just hold hands
We just hold hand and kissed one time only with our mouths closed
We only fondled with our clothes on
We talked about having sex but we could not go through with it
We only did oral
We only had sex one time and it was too over fast to enjoy and we used protection
We had sex but it did not mean anything
We had sex only in the car
We had sex only in cheap motels
We had sex in expensive motels with spa tubs
We have fallen in love with each other
We did not mean for this to happen
If you tell his wife it will hurt an innocent person
If you tell his wife I will leave you
If you tell his wife it is over between us
If you spy on me I can't trust you
I love you but I'm not in-love with you
I had this affair because you made me so unhappy
You will never let me forget what I have done will you?
You are trying to ruin my life ...

blah blah blah

this is called "the fog" .... and it runs like a script

STUDY the site's material and READ the books and ARM yourself with the concepts of Plan A .....

Best of luck

Pep

Thank you for the replies. I did contact the OM(my friend) and OM wife last week. The OM denied anything had happened, even denied that she went there at all, which is definately a lie. She was there that night for sure.

When I contacted the OM wife, I first confronted her about her kissing my wife and she admitted it and said that there was nothgin wrong with it and it was completely innocent. Then I told her about my W going to his job that night and she was very angry at my W! Funny how when the tables are turned that she reacts the same way as me. I guess she is ok with everything, as long as she is in the mix. But when she is in the dark like me, its not ok. Imagine that. lol.

My W really does seem sincere about working this out now and I am so glad. But it doesnt seem to help my doubts at all. I guess I just need to give it some more time.

enigma, I would ask your W to send a no contact letter to the OM and to agree to never contact him again. Y'all should write the letter together and you mail it. That would be a step in the right direction and would show you how sincere she really is about restoring your marriage. However, your marriage will never recover unless she is honest about the affair, I will just tell you that right now.

Here are some sample no contact letters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918;p=0#000002