Hi,
Let me start by saying that my husband and I have been married for almost 17 years. He is 17 years older than I am. I never once thought my husband would cheat on me. Then in September a couple of phone calls came in from a woman directing me to a porn chat website and told me my husband was posting and chatting there and she had dated him. I immediately went to the website and found his profile. I was devastated. I confronted him about this and he denied it all. I asked him to be honest and he still denied this. I called and ordered a copy of his credit card statement for the past 6 months and there it was. He then admitted to the chatting but denied on his life, my life and our 4 childrens lives that he was seeing anyone. I wanted so much to believe him. We started a new set of rules at home.
No our marriage was not perfect, I came into the marriage at 18 with alot of baggage from my childhood. He came into the marriage with 2 divorces under his belt but I was young and did not know the horror of how people treat each other after divorce. I want to add that he was divorced for 2 years before we met. With this baggage, the marriage has always been a struggle for us. I am not an emotional person, he is. But since then, our marriage has been much better. We were talking, listening, negotiating, and truely enjoying one another. I bared my soul to him and told him the horrors of my childhood that no one has ever known. I trusted him completely and did not even question his truthfulness. I felt that he was not only my husband and lover, he was my best friend and soulmate.
Then 3 days ago the bomb fell again. I recieved another call from a concerned woman, she states she is a christian and had to tell me that there was infact an affair, but not with her, it was her previous boss and my husband. I questioned him and he denied it once again. I told him that I knew who the other woman was and where she worked. He then confessed to the affair, but states that it was back in September and October. He also states that he has not seen her since then and was afraid to tell me back then because he did not want to lose me or the children.
Now for the hard part. I do not trust or love easily. I also am good at hiding my feelings and hardly every my emotions. I am now just an empty shell. I cannot love him and trust him again. I told him this. But I want my 4 teenage children to have thier father. He is a wonderful father and they do need that. I told him I am willing to give up these next 4 years until the youngest are 18. I do not want to be his lover or friend again.
Has anyone ever made these arrangements and had them work. I am living each day now for my children. I cannot sleep, eat, or even think straight anymore. Could someone please offer me hope that my children may end up with the same childhood that they have had.

Yikes. This sounds so painful. He likely has a porn addiction.

What worries me the most when I read this are STDs. Please go get checked and protect yourself. He is lying to protect what he has. He wants to keep you and continue his secret life.

I am very old fashioned and I believe that children should come first. Four years is not that long and if that is OK with you, is reason enough to stay and would give you time to put your life in order and prepair to leave if that is your choice.

Read here. There is hope. Make sure you see an attorney at least to know your rights. See an MD to check for STDs and maybe for something for depression. This can really bring you down. You may even need something for sleep for the short term. Hang in there. It does get better.

Thank you New Jersey.
I have made an appt with the OBGYN for next week. I also changed bank accounts, talked to a lawyer, and picked up the divorce packet from city hall. As you can see I am a big planner..lol..
We also sat the children down and talked to them about this and they are also in agreement. They love thier father. We did not tell them about the affair, but the 16 year old figured it out real quick. Ar 16, 14, and 13 year old twins they are wonderful, well adjusted, and intellegent children. Never one problem that most teenagers go thru and I count myself lucky for that.
I do feel in my heart that I can do the 4 years without regret for them. I just do not want to cause more harm by doing this.
Being a nurse, I know too much about sleeping meds and antidepressants. So that part I cannot do. But I do thank you for your kind words and hope.

How is this working out? I am in a similar situation, but on the other side of it. I went to a prostitute and then with fear that I may have an STD, confessed to my wife. Now she says the same kind of thing. She wants me to stay for my children, but says she can never trust me or be "married" to me again. I am hoping and praying that she'll want to reconcile with me down the road, but she sounds like you with her mind pretty much made up.

justempty,

It sounds like you and your husband meant a lot to each other at one time. It is this that makes me think there is hope for the recovery of your marriage. But given your trust issues, it will not be easy. Of course, the two of you should get into counseling together, but perhaps you could do some individual counseling as well.

I would hate to see you seal yourself off from your husband because it is comfortable for you to do so. That would keep you from risk, certainly, and might protect your children from a broken home. But it will also prevent even the slightest possibility that the two of you can get through this and have a better marriage than either of you ever imagined.

Now that would be something worthwhile for the children to see, don't you think? Keep your mind open.

Hope this helps.

~ Snow

Being a FWS I understand if you may not want me to comment. However I will for now.
There are NO excuses for cheating.... none at all.
That said there are as many reasons why a spouse cheated as there are WS I guess .... but it doesn't excuse them.

So why the lies? because I guess he like I realised what in hell had we done and were fearful of loosing our spouse. He was fearful of loosing YOU!!

So you lie and dig the hole deeper and deeper until it all falls apart.

I understand what you are saying about how you want NOTHING to do with him now because he betrayed you ... my guess is because he was so central to what you have become NOW the betrayal is so much worse for you.
You came from a very bad place to what must of felt like semi paradise .. now it seems it has become a lie.

All your anger, all your bitterness are legitimate. You gave yourself in full he has thrown it back at you.

HOWEVER please think on this, you have been married for a long time, you have 3 wonderful kids, IF you did not love him - even through all the pain hes caused - would you feel so terribly hurt and betrayed?

I'm not saying you should just say I forgive you - NO WAY. I am saying dont make hasty decisons - divorce is ALWAYS an option - reconcilations may not be.

Everything you learn will hurt .. you probably have not heard it all even now. BUT you can think on what you want to know and consider if hes worth allowing him to prove his love & if he can fully recommit to you & M.

I do think you will both need professional help - I got it both IC & MC - still doing it in fact. My H is deployed so we are in limbo a bit I suppose, but we are trying. ITS not easy. it hurts both of us.... darn right it does.

If you say you are willing to give up 4 years to stay with him to bring up the kids.. doesn't it make better sense to use that time to repair what was a good M? I;m not saying it will happen - obviously there are issues - but why not try.

Put the onus on him to work at it, to be the H he once was or could become, let him do the running around to find the help you both need if you cannot do it together.

If he was once worth your love and respect see if you cannot give him the opportunity to prove himself to you.
You have time, you said so yourself, if he cant or wont then you know you did all you could and you can walk away with no maybes.

I do ask that you read the info on this site and perhaps get the books recommended and read 'worthatry' posting on this forum ... very good starting points.

Please dont make a decision in anger and pain, there is hope here even if you feel its all lost.

all the best

Thank you aussieswife,
I have read worthatrys posts and they do help, but what if he is trying so hard to make this marriage work and I am the one not wanting it to? I want him to put all of his efforts he is wasting on me, into being the best father he can be. All the posts seem to be there for the FS who wants to make it work.
Is this normal for me to feel this way? Or am I truely going nuts?

je

no you are NOT nuts feeling that way, OF COURSE you dont feel like you want the M right now, why would you???
Something was WRONG with that M, maybe him, perhaps a bit of both of you, still doen't excuse him or his actions, no you deserve a NEW M.
I do think you have the strength and determination from your post to do this.

You know Dr Harley compares affairs to an addiction, he has observed very similar reactions and the guilt and remorse for hurt that comes after, and, also the fact some people cannot stop and try to pretend they have "it all under control". I'm guessing what you saw and observed as a younger person you know how much cr*p that idea of having it under control is!!
An addiction is an addiction, drugs, gambling, or affairs and there is little or no control.

I'm not so sure which is worse any more.

You are in a unique postion you know to handle this as strange as it may sound. You have seen what its like when people place themselves or are placed in vulnerable positons and loose control of their lives. Its part of what happens in affairs to.
Even with help it takes a lot of guts and hard headed determination to get out of that place. I'm sure you know that.

Well your H and now through his actions, yourself, are in that place.

Perhaps I can relate this to when you first met him. Obviously I dont know anything but what you have told us here, but I have worked with street kids in child protection here and have some idea of the reality, but I wont pretend I KNOW what its like, obviously I dont.
However, have you thought what may have been your future had you not met him, fallen in love and he with you, or if he had simply denied you?
I'm guessing it was not all smooth sailing first off was it? Plenty of baggage from both and a need to offer a forgiving hand to each other fairly often??
You persevered with him, he persevered with you and despite it all, you did make it for a awfully long time didn't you?
THATS an achievement.
I'm arguing for you not to throw that achievement away despite your pain, hurt and feeling of absolute betrayal, UNLESS you have no option but to leave the M.

JE I have immense shame, guilt and remorse for what I did to my H and family, because it was not only my H you know it was my family too. All of them.
I'm sure your H is starting to feel the sorrow & remorse from what you say.
But is it enough? NO , not by a long shot.
Its only the start.

Your H has to prove to you by his ACTIONS that he is doing what he says he will. As you read here you will see that this is the only way trust is usually restored. He lied to you so often how could, why should you believe him until his actions do indeed match his words.

But for that to happen you need to allow him to prove it to you. He may fail, he may stuff up again. But he may not.

You can end your M at anytime JE, you have always had that option. However why not seek some GOOD counselling? In fact I think one of the Harleys may be exactly the right people to start you off,,, they do couselling by phone - like a teleconference I'm told - why not see if it can help?
You can access them via the couselling center short cut above under the red MB banner.

Pls give it some thought, even if you try couselling and everything you may say no.. but then again you may see the man you loved somewhere inside the stranger your H has become ..isn't it worth the chance???

I will think on the counseling. I want him to go for some though. He has expressed some real negative thoughts. He hates himself, feels like he cant breath at times, and crys alot. He tells me he has not seen her since the beginning of November, and that he did not love her. He states he is not going thru withdrawl, but I have a hard time believing anything he says. I think he is very depressed and do not wish him ill health or anything like that. I told him I do not hate him, I hate what he has done. But he is sinking and I cannot find it within myself right now to throw him the life preserver.
I think that I have been able to do this for almost a week now because I know that I can get out. I can divorce him, I am in control sort of. I keep feeling that anyday now he will decide it is not worth all this hurt and he will leave on his own and I will not be the one to make him leave.
Does this make sense?

Hello justempty,

I thought I would jump in here and mention a few things.

First of all,if you are not sleeping,eating or functioning well still,do reconsider the AD's(antidperessants).I am an RN too and do not like to take anything except ASA but the Remeron I was put on REALLY helped me cope the first several months.I was on them for a total of 10 months before I went off.I had no side effects either.I had to be able to eat and sleep.I went three weeks without any sleep and started to hallucinate.It was a terrible time for me but the med helped so I could eat,sleep and get out of bed to take care of my children since my WH was in another country with the homewrecker.I had to do it alone and with the help of my dear Mom.

Counseling is must too.You just cannot try to deal with something of this magnitude on your own.If only just to let your feelings out to a professional,it will help.I did and I was grateful to have someone to speak to about my feelings and someone who was watching over me and my mental health which was at stake(suicidal thoughts).

Listen,you don't have to make any drastic decisions right now.We generally recommend that you wait 6 months or more to decide if you are going to stay in the marriage or leave it.By this time emotions have settled a bit and you are more clear about things.It's much too soon to be expecting anything from you and you just got a call a couple weeks or so ago.It's an accomplishment that you are even here asking for help.

You do sound strong in the sense that you know you don't have to stay in the marriage if you don't want to.You have had your share of pain that anyone would understand if you chose to leave.But being strong also allows you the "luxury" of time and deciding what is best for YOU and your children.

Being able to trust your WH again,if ever,is something that only you can decidie to do and something only your WH can foster by his actions toward you and his behavior.All that takes time.

O

JE
what you are probably doing is just getting your mind around the whole thing and getting 'control' of it for yourself.
That you are even thinking this clearly is a good sign, but pls as october girl said, its not a good time to make big decisions line ending the M. But it is your right no argument. If you were going to wait 4 years whats 6 months or so?
Your description of your H behaviour does seem to indicate hes depressed and not acting rationally right now - been there when the realisation of what I did hit me..maybe its hit him.
Its an ugly place for everyone and can be a very self destructive place as well. YES I agree he needs professional help no matter what YOUR choice is on getting any counselling or not right now.
perhaps if it feels right for you to do you could tell him that if he even wants a snowballs chance in hell of even talking to you about it then he needs to get to a doctor for depression and a cousellor for some help in the other areas ...but you know the feel of the situation a lot better than any of us.
As for not trusing him that entirely natural..my H does not fully trust me and probably wont for some time - Dr Harley says thats not entirely a bad thing - so i work away at it bit by bit with actions - words dont mean much without the action.

Wanting him away is not that surprising ..he hurt you and every time you see him the hurt is as newly discovered .. so you feel if you got him to go then it would stop. NOPE it will hurt regardless for a long time.
Having let your H know what you expect from him if he even whats to get you to discuss the issue, you should be looking after yourself & kids, getting yourself to the doc if you feel depressed etc etc etc

I do so wish you luck and hope you give it a try ....

I thought I would update the helpful people here. I am now eating and sleeping OK. My thoughts are all scrambled at times. I have never been real forgetful but now start to do something and forget what it was.
WS is in the home and being a wonderful father to the children. He took one of our daughters to a play and out to dinner the other night.
The hurt and pain are still very fresh in my mind. I still feel as if a large portion of my self is gone forever. I do not feel comfortable talking to my friends and family about this. I hide my feelings from them, even to the point of wearing my wedding rings to work and around them, but taking them off as soon as I am alone. Or crying on the way home from work and to work. Even to the store!! I hate that I am for the first time in my life being this emotional.
I do not plan to divorce my WS right now. I do plan on it in 4 years. He is trying to get inside of me and I just want to push him away. Each time we talk serious I end up crying. Before this, I cried maybe 5 times in 17 years around him. This makes me mad at myself for doing it.
I just hope with time that the tears will dry up and I can think straight.
Once again thank you for your words of encouragement.

Hi again,

Glad to hear you are eating and sleeping better.And don't worry about forgetting things.I called it being "scatterbrained".It's part of the trauma you have been through.Being a Nurse you should know about PTSD,at least a bit.Review the S&S's and you'll see many similarities to what we as BS's go through.It took me probably a year and a half to feel more like my old self.I am a highly organized person and it was awful feeling so inept for so long but I tried to remember that I was in emotional crisis for some time and I had to recover from it.You will too.

Try not to be so hard on yourself for crying and being emotional now! I know you said you don't love or trust easily but let those floodgates open and release any pain you have had.It's normal and healthy.If you weren't upset at what you are going through I would worry.The best way to handle all this is to just keep walking through it,all the disgusting and painful parts and FEEL it so one day you can rise above it.

Maybe in time you will reconsider talking with your WH and seeing if there can be a reconciliation.I can sympathize with how you may not want that right now but I have always believed the best thing you could give to your children is a happy marriage.When children grow up in a loving,healthy and intact family,they thrive.Do keep in mind what the other's said about keeping an open mind.It doesn't mean you have to do anything but it can just be a possibility.

O

LOL Octobergirl...
I feel exactly that way..scatterbrained. I have such a hard time concentrating and keeping focused at home anf at work.
My WH or is it FWH??? states he feels the same way.
He tries to tell me how hard this is for him, and I just feel like telling him that I dont care.
I have read and reread alot of posts here and the entire pages from Harley on this matter, marriage, infidelity, etc. I think I am in withdrawl, and I do not want to come out into conflict. It scares the heck out of me. I do not want to feel for him, I do not want to go over the hurt, I am fighting that sooo much.
I unfortunately do still love the man. Why I do not know. But the hurt was so deep that I had to push it all down, swallow my pride, tuck tail and hide. It feels safer that way. Then in the next scatterbrained thought I cant stand him and what he has done. I want to come out and scream at him and say some nasty things. But neither of these things are ever exposed to him. I cry alone. Going out of my way to actually.
I do not feel that he deserves to see me cry. Is this weird or what??
I know that my WH has not had contact with the OW since the end of October and states that he never loved her, he is not sure what EM he was looking for as it started as a sex thing on the internet, cybersex I think. He did say that they were the same age and could listen to the same music, chat about same times, but that was it. He states he broke it off when she started getting personal, telling him she loved him and could be a better wife than me. Thats when he realized that there was not just him and her, but his family too. He has told me all about the times they were together, where , when, what they did, etc. He keeps putting himself down, saying he is stupid, how he hates himself for what he has done to me and the family.
He crys alot. He wants to know how to get inside of me and get me to start to feel again. He is reading the webpages here and has come in to this forum to look and read. He ends up crying and wanting to comfort me. He is reversing the whole plan A onto me. I see this and am having one heck of a time fighting it. He follows me everywhere, wants to be with me all the time, tells me how he feels lonely when I am not around. It is hard to hear this.
I feel ashamed to say that. I know other BS's need this from thier WS's and probably are reading this thinking that I am nuts. I am getting it handed on a silver platter and am turning my back to it.
I think I might just be venting. Once again scatterbrained.
Well thank you Octobergirl for a good word to cover what I was trying to say...lol.

JE

I'm just getting ready to go to bed but waiting until my son helps his dad get to bed first - he returned from the war today and has to use crutches for a while and has a few small injuries - but read your post and felt you needed a ans, even if you will forgive me a short one right now.

First of all you need to know you are ok to feel as you do about your H, look for goodness sakes it was not long ago and there is NO quick fix.
DONT be sorry for loving him even when hes stuffed up big time ....you need your space to get things right in your mind before you can even consider working on the M.
I believe most BS do need that time - perhaps the false recoveries are missing that element never thought to check that.
The good news is that your H seems to 'get it' - what he has done - and like him I also used & use still a reverse plan A so to speak. The bottom line is talk is cheap actions are what is required.
I account for all my time, tell what I do at IC/MC, do not place myself in sits where he could ever be suspicious.
Now days I mostly get a grunt or two because its more about me getting me ok so I dont EVER serve his heart up on stone platter again. Because thats what you do when you cheat.

Now you have time here JE, and you would be foolish to jump ANY way right now. YOU DONT need to make any decision... you are doing the running of the ship here right now.

I would suggest you consider the AD's or getting/changing if you use some and they dont seem to be working. There is no shame in getting help from a doctor ...Goodness I have had to use them as well.

Take your time get yourself on a even keel and then start looking at his actions then & now etc etc.

Praying for you & family.

AW

Thank you Aussie
I have another one for you or someone. I feel like I am drowning. I cant seem to keep my head off of this. It comes like a huge wave and I want to scream. WH wants desperately to help me, but I do not know how he can do that. I have read about the rollercoaster parts and yet cant seem to get the jist of what to do when you are low and angry. Do I vent it all on him? Is this fair? I want to tell him over and over how much I despise what he did and just dont. He tells me that he wants to help me, this is real hard on him, he is concerned for me, how he feels....all how he feels. I do not think he has any idea about empathy. How do you explain this to a man or woman who did not clearly know about empathy when they had the A, for if they did then they would have never gone through with it.
I am in no mood to educate him, feel empathy for him, or care what he feels. Today had been like DDay all over again, and for no reason. I do not know this OW, where she lives, what she is like, nothing. If I met her on the street I would not have a clue. This A started and stopped before I ever knew about it. Talk about stupid!
Everyone around that knows about this keeps telling me to kick him out, the kids will know and it is better for them not to have him around, I am selling my self short, etc. They all say if it happened to them, it would be over. I want to scream at them and tell them that until they are in this H**l that they have no clue. But it still hurts.
I want my bestfriend and soulmate back, but cannot find the strenght to do that. I cannot handle one more hurt at this point.
I am mostly looking for coping stratagies that may have helped others. Thanks for the support so far. I feel like as I am trying to climb the mountain someone keeps raising the peak higher and higher.

Just empty

I see my wife has posted to you a number of times ..but last few days has been taking very easy with the bubs & all just been a bit too much for her I suspect.

Look I’m not the best with this stuff here but maybe if I explain what I did it may help you,

Ok first off our MC told me I should express my anger to my wife but in the appropriate way & the in the right place. Now I didn’t get this right many times …still don’t always … and yes I am still subject to bouts where I am bloody angry it happened BUT I try not to drag it up over and over because I don’t need too….she punishes herself far more than I ever would wish to.

So how you ask? Well I was told to express my anger of her ACTIONS and NOT at her. For instance I would say (I’m taking out my swearing) The affair has really hurt my feelings….. The idea of another person with you makes me sick so on & so on…..as you can imagine I was not as nice as that and yes I did call her the S word and B word and whole lot of other things.

I apologised later after cooling down though that felt like swallowing razor blades -- but important to get past these very painful episodes.

What were the right places?? Well our MC suggested a few things to us….. Limit our discussions - well my interrogations at first - to set times and periods like 30 mins at 4 pm etc etc , agree to stop after this UNLESS both agree not to and then for another 30 mins. We made sure kids were not around as well.

Now I didn’t use anti depressants but many do and perhaps it is not a bad idea especially when all you can do is go over and over it all the time in your mind - I was lucky in a way I was busy getting ready to deploy so I could shut off all the private stuff, some can some cant ……. I can ……….. So if cant shake this dark mood please go see a doc for some help - my wife did & is still on them even now.

Did I want to just leave ..you BETCHA!! First thought and one that ran through my thoughts for some time off and on…not unusual . Why didn’t I leave or ask her to??? Well I read a lot here, talked to family, people here who said to me well you have around 20 years together and 6 weeks or so of adultery …….. Can you throw it all away especially where she is remorseful, told you when she could have kept it secret , and wants to do anything to make I up to you???
Well I was not sure, still hurt but on some good advice from a few people here I made no decision… they said let her PROVE IT. So I did.

Has she proved it you may ask…….well yes do I trust her again ….. Harder to answer, mostly but with reservations and why not .

Now as for friends who say “ Kick him out I would” etc etc … I’d be careful of that advice.. Why? Because many will say this for different reasons, some because they feel you want to hear that, others because they feel they would if it was them. The one thing I know from all this crap & my life experience to date is that you never know what you will do until you are placed in the position where you have to make a decision…don’t let others make that choice for you. You and YOUR kids will have to live with it.

I never thought that I, I would go to a MC/IC ..what a load of bullsh*t … but I did maybe out of frustration more then anything else and it helped somewhat. I still feel pissed about it though …she did it she should fix it, but the real worlds not like that is it. So I learned some things even reluctantly.
If you don’t mind me saying so …… why don’t you try the Harleys on this site because you seem like I was - blind with anger but no place to vent it except to your H and you instinctively realise that could finish it all very quickly…look why not give it a try…… tell your H to get off his butt and make an appointment ,,,,make him start showing you he is willing to fight for you and tell him hes got a lot to prove so he’d better bloody start now.

I hope this has helped a bit as I said my wife AW is so much better at this MB thing than me …I’m just doing the best I can…look soon as she’s ok I’ll get her to drop you a line

I hope you dont give up, its hard I know but perhaps there is hope ..all the best

JE,
Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you today, hoping your hanging in there, even if it is just by your fingernails! I saw this today and it brought a smile to my face, hope it brings one to yours too!!!

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

From what I found out from my WS the OW was a blonde that dyed her hair. Hmmm, she must of been intellectually challenged to knowingly get involved with a married man. Sorry I just need to vent.

Hang in there and remember to find something to laugh at, at least once a day!!!

Hello again,
AW2: Thank you very much. WH does not feel MC/IC will help us. We did go to MC right around the time his A started or immediately after it started. Bad experience for both of us, but mostly me. Everything was my fault, I nagged too much, spent too much time with the kids, not enough time for him, was too suspicious of him, etc. I could not handle that and he decided not to go again before I did. But I did get the books from the online site and they have helped me to understand how alot of this is my fault, or partly. And I do accept that. WH is trying hard with me, I just think I need time to absorb it all and a few answers that WH is very reluctant to answer. WH is looking at alternatives in working situation as she has attempted to see him 2 times since he ended it with her, and he lives in fear every day that she will stop by his work or call me again.
I am trying to take this one step of the way....NC first and foremost. And reading....reading ....reading.
I just have a hardtime with the judgemental attitudes of who I thought were my friends...having to readjust that feeling right now.
Thank you for giving me a perspective and I think maybe hope. I have feared to even have hope. Didnt want to get hurt again.
GP: Good one!! LOL.. That will definately help me through today....I can only think of a stupid one my DD told me
Where does a cow go to have fun? to the MOO-VIES>>>
JE

OMG JE my H grammer is ..well lets say hes been in the bush way too long!.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

but he made some good points I think.

Blame... first you must accept & understand YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for your H affair. Yes you may have some blame for allowing the M to get to a aplace where he could choose an A, but HE CHOOSE IT, I CHOOSE IT ,, you did not cause it, my H did not cause it..he has to accept this responsibility its not yours.

Friends are good to vent to but will usually tell you what they think you want to hear trying to support you or else their own feelings will colour their advice. Just be aware of the issue thank them & then make YOUR OWN decision. Not everyone will agree with what you decide to do no matter what so dont let it bother you. I'm sure you dont agee with all what they think either.

Now as for a MC frankly your H doesnt get a say if hes serious about doing ANYTHING to rebuild the M & you want this.
It should be a condition of agreeing to rethink your decision to dv.
A decent MC would not in any way agree to see your H while he was still in the affair. Thats why my H suggested Harley because hes known to be very good and and not fumble the ball, to get right to the heart of matters and you are sure of getting one of the best not just someone who lives near you........many inexpereinced MC's have poor attitudes to M and dont seem that dedicated to saving YOUR m.
Get the best you can.
His reluctance to ans detailed questions is not unusual at all...I did not want to in any way and refused to for a long time ...as I went to MC/IC I got to understand how important this is to the BS & very very reluctantly ans those questions..its was horrible for both of us.
You may want these questions ans before you can ever move on into recovery if thats what you wish to do.

JE there really is hope if there is genuine remorse and all A actions have stopped. Its the first step but its a big one.
I dont think there is any guarantee that anyone can give you, I dont have one for myself & H but we will continue to fight towards each other and get through this horrible mess I made.

As for getting some AD's , please do not hesitate to see a doctor & explain the situation this medication could really really help.

You CAN do it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />