Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I have posted on this site.

It's been exactly 1 year now since my wife had an affair. We were separated for one month last May and found out she had been with another guy. We got back together and tried to work things out. We started marriage counselling and she quit, her reason was she didn't like it and that we could talk at home.

Everyday since d-day, I have been struggling with what she did and after a year it's not getting any bettter. I always had this gutt feeling that there was something not right, that I was missing something. It always felt like I had to pry the information out of her. One night in March we got into an argument and found out that she hadn't been with one guy....she had been with four. It would have been less painful if someone had just handed me a live bomb. I honestly cannot explain how it feels to find out that the person you love the most, your life partner, your best friend is the one who has caused you the most pain you might ever experience in your lifetime. I am struggling with this very much and am still confused. She has shown me how sorry and regretful she is for doing it and we are still working on making things better. What I can't get over is the lies and how she always tried to talk her way around the matter so I wouldn't find out. What hurts so much is that I can never completely trust her again, that she broke her marriage vows, I am not one with her anymore, and that I can never call her my own again.

I however, am not taking any blame for the affairs. I was going through a tough time too during our separation, my needs weren't beeing met and I still made the decision to not have an affair.

Now however, the pain gets so overwhelming sometimes that I have had thoughts of having an affiar myself, a voice inside says that it isn't fair that she has had other men and she's the only woman I have ever been with. Good thing I haven't found the opportunity, I know it's wrong, I don't want to do to my mife what she did to me, but I'm not sure if I could resist if the opportunity came knocking.

Another thing I'm struggling with now, the pastor from our church who I went to for help with this, has resigned at our church because he himself had an affiar. talk about betrayal. I feel the need to talk to someone about my situation but who, who can I trust?

Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated especially if you can tell me how to make the pain go away.

To anyone who is the betrayed spouse, I there are more people here who have been in your shoes...make your post as long as you want. I have found that even writing it out what you're going through or feeling inside helps.

Hope to hear from you.

Like Dr Laura says, I can't cure normal. Time will make it better. If you choose to stay with your wife, she has to make it work. You really can't do it alone. If you choose not to stay with her, my advice would be to have no contact with her or anything associated with her. I would make life changes including a new home and if possible new job. I would not date for two years after my divorce. I would not have an affair, this would just make matters worse.

If you want to stay with her and she is still involved, you need to move to Plan B. Going no contact removes you from the pain and protects what love you have. It also lets her know what life is like without you and causes reality to set in. She'd figure out that there are needs you met that no one else does and she would likely miss you.

It really does get better over time-either way. I have followed the stories for 5 years now.

Please ask you doc for some antidepressants. You could have, and likely have a reactive depression and medication would help you feel better within 3 weeks. Hope you are sleeping, if not ask for help with that. One day at a time. You are with friends here.

Anyone else having any suggestions? I know, it's the weekend.

Hello this is a eye opener,
I am the one after 15 years of marriage who did this same thing to my wonderfull wife.I am completly lost, this has been a year and a half since it happened.I am trying to reconcile with my wife right now but i think its to late she may have moved on we havent signed papers but she wants to.I just want to let you know if you love her, she has to change good gosh i have done a complete overhaul of my life looking in the mirror every morning and in my kids faces.I love her with all my heart and would do anything to get her back.But you cant unscramble eggs, and maybe there is hope for you but it has to be all her trying right now that was my fatal mistake in the beginning i put my head in the sand and thought it would go away.All i am saying if she is truly remorsfull she will do anything to repair this but give her the benifit i didint know where to begin for a while, but know so crystal clear now but only time will tell.
Good luck i wish you strenth and patience.

BarelySurviving,

Yes, I have been in your shoes. It hurts to find out your spouse has been with someone else...especially if he/she has been your only one(that is my sitch, as well). I treasured the fact that we were only with each other and looked forward to spending my life that way. He did not think that it was normal to do this...and never wanted to be with only me. I knew this, but I hoped that I could convince him that it was something special...guess not!
I have also thought of doing the revenge thing...you will probably get a lot of 2x4's for even mentioning that...but it is normal, too, I think. Again, especially for those of us who saved ourself for our spouse.

Also, please do not think that you have been in recovery for a year. You have just learned that it was a false recovery, b/c there were still lies hidden away from you. Every new piece of information spins you right back to d-day, and the information you received did that ten fold.
I am sorry that you have to start all over...but I tink you will. It will take some time for this to all sink in and for you to see past all the hurt. Be strong!

You sound so much like me. My H was my best friend and I put him on a pedastool...now I look at him and think how could you do this. Just remember that she did not do it TO you...you were not in the equation at all. That hurts like *ell, I know...but this had nothing to do with you nor was it an attempt to hurt you...it was all about her and what she thought she needed/deserved.

I am also having the toughest time getting over all the lies. That part sucks...doesn't it?? I cannot imagine lying to my H like that...it would tear me apart. I am sure you feel the same.

Anyway, I guess I did not offer much advice, but hopefully you know that there are people here who do understand.

If you are not familiar with all the info here...take a look...and then SHARE IT WITH YOUR WIFE. It will take her effort too.

Take care!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Barely Surviving,

It was the loss of the "purity" of the marital union, that was so hard for me to deal with. No matter what, I thought that the loss of that innocence would never allow me to completely heal. I thought that of all the people in the world, the one who would never do me any harm would be my husband.

But time does help us gain perspective. Right now you are tortured with the thought of her breaking your sacred vows, your trust, with several men. That is hard and painful. Then throw in the pastor you counseled with and the whole world seems to be a farce. You begin to wonder if you are the only person left with morals.

But over time, as your and your wife begin to mend your marraige in earnest, these sad and painful thoughts will be replaced by new loving memories that you will create together, I promise.

Hope this helps.

~ Snow

Hi guys,

Thanks for your replies. Anything helps right now. I have been realy wanting to talk to other people who have been through the same thing as me. I have felt the need for someone to put into words as to how it feels when your spouse does something like this to you because I sure can't find the words.

What I don't get from my wife is that her dad and some of her uncles have done the same thing, she has seen first hand what it can do, and yet she goes and does the same thing. The night I found out that she had been with four guys, I felt everything including her love drain out of me. I do love her but it feels like a different love. It makes me so very angry sometimes to think that other guys just had a one night stand with my wife and don't think much of it except for "I got laid last night" and I'm stuck with a dagger in my heart for the rest of my life.

Sometimes when I'm sitting at my computer at work, my thoughts get so into it that I get angry just by sitting there and thinking. It makes me so angry then that I think I could physically put the guys in the hospital if they walked in then.

What I'm wondering about is, how much information is o.k. to know, I don't know everything yet, I don't know who the guys are, where it all happened and so on. In the past my wife told me she felt I didn't need to know everything, but someone told me that it's totally up to me to decide what I need and don't need to know. When ever I tried talking about it, she would either get upset or now when I think back, try to talk her way around it. She was being dishonest with me. What do you do if you find out who the person is? or you found out who they are and you run into them somewhere?
When ever I go uptown shopping or anywhere in a public place, I always wonder if one of those guys are there. A voice inside tells me that my wife did that with them so it's ok if I beat the livin' daylights out of them. Somedays I have an incredible need for revenge.

Sadly, infidelity seems to run in families just as alcoholism. Speaking of alcoholism, was your W drinking heavily at the time this happened? Was her infidelity all in one night? I ask you this because even though it doesn't absolve her from responsibility, the heavy use of alcohol does tend to bring out in many people the darkest side of their personalities and do the unthinkable. IF this is the case then she must commit to follow an alcohol abuse recovery program before there is any serious attempt to save/rebuild the marriage. The real OM may not be a man but a bottle of liquor and just like with another man, she must commit to NC [no contact] forever.

TMCM

Froesen,

Hmmm...how many details? Well, it really should depend on you. I know that sounds like a general answer, but it is the truth. For me, I wanted and still want to know EVERYTHING. And for the most part, I do. There are small details that my H can't remember, and I can understand that. I do not know all the conversations that I had 6 months ago, but I still WANT to know. It helps me see the dynamics of their relationship. My counselor told me that it is part of the healing process, and my H should be there providing the information and holding my hand.

If you want to know the details then she should provide them. Just take it easy. There are things that I have found out that I wish I never knew...but there are also things that I am glad I asked about, b/c they weren't as bad as I thought.

At this point, she should not be concerened how she feels(which is probably why she side steps the questions). It should be about you. Not telling you who the men were is the biggest problem I have. There is no reason she should not tell you.

I know the revenge thing is prominent...but remember it is not the OM fault...your wife is the one who broke her vows. Those men may not have even known your wife was married. If they did, then they may not be very nice people, but in the end, they did not owe you anything...your wife did. However, I know how it feels as I still have a very strong hate factor to the OW in my sitch..and I DO blame her too. I think it is much easier to blame someone who didn't owe you anything than to think of the person you love as being completely selfish.

Anyway, keep posting, there are a lot of people here to help. And read all you can...and just breathe. It will get better.

True

I'm hoping to get some guidance here on how to deal with my situation. Your Email caught my attention: It is from a cheating husband's perspective. Maybe you can shed some light on the matter for me. I found out five months ago that my husband had an "affair" approximately 10 years ago for a 6-7 year period of time. This "affair" was with a man, a family friend. There were a total of four "events" that occurred during this period of time. The man wanted to include his wife, but my husband drew the line at bringing in any woman, so it was with the man. He has "come clean" of all the details, but I'm not sure if I can trust that he is being completely, totally honest with me. He, and my therapist, say that if he's told me as much about the affair that he has, and has admitted to having an affair with a MAN, that he can't possibly be hiding anything from me. But, I'm not convinced. As a cheating spouse, obviously remorseful, and my husband is too (He's broke down and cried several times and is trying very hard to make amends), how do I know if he is telling me EVERYTHING? Can I trust his shame and guilt to be real? How do I know? I am crushed to say the least. We have been together for 27 years, since we were 16. We have two children together, and while we've had our moments, for the most part, our relationship has been good. I am having a very difficult time believing in him, feeling certain that he's not playing me for a fool. Do you have any suggestions? I want to believe him, forgive him, and move on to recovery. But, I'm stuck in this vicious cycle of pain. He had only been with me (sexually) up to that point, and this is killing me to know that he did not cherish me like I had though he did. HELP!! I'm trying to get a man's perspective, as well as a cheating spouse's perspective. It sounds like you've done a lot of soul-searching and are truly remorseful. I'd love to hear your comments.

Hi Froesen, sorry to meet you here. I'm feeling the same feelings about trust and how to get over the pain...we all are. I wish I had some advice for it, but I'm lost too.

As far as the information goes. She absolutely needs to give you whatever you want. Be careful what you ask for though, the images can be haunting! At this point, I feel like she needs to be doing whatever it takes to get you through this. My H has been great about answering all of my questions, even if he already has 10 times. It's all part of the process. For me, it also reassures me that I'm getting the truth if the stories aren't changing. I know where, when, with whom, and how many times, but I don't want sexual details. He just told me that he's sure my images don't come close to the actual acts. I don't know if that's true or not, but it helps to believe it. I can kind of stop myself mid-thought and tell myself that it's just my crazy imagination. Some people like to know details, though. The main point is that it is totally up to you and she needs to be willing to answer whatever you want...whenever you want...and as often as you want. She owes that to you.

Please keep posting. It does help just to get it out.

Lindsay

Thanks to all the people who are shedding light on this subject for me, it helps.

I am just wondering about something...To all the people who have been betrayed by an affair. If or when you found out who the other person was, what did you do? What do you do if you run into the person somewhere, or what did you do?
I feel like, if I ever run into the others to put them in the hospital.

I mentioned the other that the pastor who I went to for help when all this was going on had an affair himself. Turns out that he got the woman pregnant too and that he had wanted her to get an abortion. I feel very betrayed by this guy.
When I think about this I think to myself that I couldn't even explain how it feels to find out your significant other had been cheating on you, and then this woman's husband, he's out of town and when he comes back, he finds out his wife is pregnant by their own pastor. What's going through his mind? I saw him the other day in a store and noticed he had a broken hand so that gives me an idea to his reaction. I feel terrible for the guy. And now that I found out about this, it brings everything back to me, the feelings, the anger, it's like it just happened.

My wife said it was very stupid what she did.. that's right.

That is a VERY STUPID thing to do. First they promise all these things to you in front of the church AND God and then they squash you like a bug. That is a very selfish thing to do. To me it's not much better than murder, after-all... they murdered your marriage. I was told that we are only married by law now, in God's eyes we are divorced because she broke her vows. Sometimes it feels that way because I don't feel that oneness with her anymore and I never will.

OH...Froesen...I know you are in pain...but I cannot believe that God would see you as divorced. Of course, I do not know...I am not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to what people say God thinks.

I know how you feel about the revenge issue. I actually told my H that I hoped that the letter I wrote to the OW caused her to commit suicide!!!! Can you believe that? I would have felt so much more guilty than any WS. To know that my words caused someone to hurt themselves in some way. I worried for a long time(this girl has tried to commit suicide before).

This is hurt will get easier...just keep talking to someone...and I have found that if you show your spouse the love and respect than you want to have again...it slowly happens. Show it before you feel it. I did that..it has helped. I do not feel that oneness some days either...but I know that it is still there..even when I don't "feel" it.

Let us know if we can help more.

True

Hi froesen,

I wanted to ask you: was this most recent revelation about there being 4 guys this PAST March or last year? You sound so down that I would think it was this past March you found out.Then I wouldn't be as concerned because it's like another DDay in a way and it put you back to square one essentially.I can sympathinze with how you are feeling.

Regarding revenge.When I found out about the homewrecker in my case,I was beyond mad.I was,for a long time,two steps away from a terrible mistake.I know my WH was to blame for his choice to cheat but the OP(homewrecker) was just as much to blame IMO.Every time she spread her legs(sorry,graphic) when my WH came into town,knowing full well he was alredy married and had children instead of being a decent and caring human being and saying,"NO,you are already married,go get need help" or SOMETHING other than being a selfish sl** I wanted to kill.Gun,with silencer,one shot,right between the eyes.No mess,over and out,right there.It would be a permanent lesson to not get involved with married men.But,what always pulled me back was 3 things: I didn't want to go to "he**";I knew I was better than that and I also didn't want my children to be without Me nor I without them.That was the most important reason not to do anything.I would die without my children.There have been several threads on this topic before,what we all would want to do to the OP.I didn't want to hurt my WH physically as much because I still loved him but I also knew the fastest way to hurt him too mentally and emotionally was to take the homewrecker out of the equation.No more fantasy bs.

It's been a long,rough road to get over those intense feelings.And many here know how much I loathed that homewrecker.I still do but I figure my WH is her problem now.She has yet to see the true him.

What's disturbing to me froesen is all the betrayal,the selfishness,the hurt and pain heaped on one another.The killings,rapes and destruction.I hardly ever watch the news anymore and I stay somewhat secluded in my home(and 7 acres! yah!) away from people.I become more of a recluse with each passing year becaseu I just am more cynical than ever and I am repeatedly disappointed in people.That's not to say that I don;t have friends or family that I care about and spend time with but instead of my circle of friends getting bigger,there just don't seem to be that many people who appear trustworthy or that I should allow into my world.

Anyway,you are still with your WW but I can tell you that making the decidion to D and not seeing or speaking(only e-mails about Mediation and children issues) have made a world of difference for me.I feel so much better not having my WH in my life anymore.I went through 2 false recoveries with him and many other small probable gatherings but I finally said,that's it.he obviously could not decide or rtaher he did decide: homewrecker.So,I ended it and have completely ax'ed him out of my life.He doesn't deserve to be in it.Plain and simple.I feel like this decision has helped me heal.I don't have to wonder anymore.

But for you,it's long road of more discoveries and trials and tribulations.Of course it's going to be hard.They say recovery is the hardest and from what I have read,I am sure it is.I hope things will get better for you froesen.I really do.

Just wanted to let you know that we are with you.You are not alone in how you feel.

O

froesen - let me begin with something that should help give you some comfort in all this...."for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

None of us is perfect and we all need forgiveness. Were it not so, there would have been no need for Christ's sacrifice.

I was told that we are only married by law now, in God's eyes we are divorced because she broke her vows.

Not true, in my humble opinion. You ARE married until divorced. YOU have the "right" to a divorce, as the betrayed faithful spouse, should you choose that route. But you are no more "not married because she broke her vows" than you, yourself, would be "divorced" from God because you commited some sin or sins AFTER committing your life to Christ. The parable of the Prodigal Son is another example. His behavior was decidedly selfish and not reflective of honoring his father as God has commanded. Yet, through all of his rebellion, he remained a son, and was received back into the "fold" in full "membership" when he finally came to his senses and repented.


Rubbish. You are merely at the normal stage of distrust. Trust is earned. What IS dead is "blind trust," not trust itself. Trust that is earned is real trust. That sort of trust wasn't there before the affair, but it is the only real trust. "Blind trust" makes us all vulnerable when we start thinking it can't happen or [/i]it could never happen to me.[/i] Biblically we are WARNED about temptation, how seductive and enticing it is. We are warned about "going with our emotions" rather than "going with obedience to God and His commands." Froesen, all of us HAVE sinned, and all of us will continue to commit sins so long as we are alive and encased in a "fallen" body.

But I can tell you that TRUST is both earned by someone and given by someone. The "operative phrase" in rebuilding that trust is "trust, unless you have a valid reason not to trust." It takes TIME. Much time. The "average" recovery timeframe is TWO years, so don't be in a hurry to rush things.

This devastation rocks you to your core. It affects virtually everything you ever believed in and everything you thought you believed in and could trust. It IS a major assault by Satan upon you with the aim to drive a wedge between you and Christ. "Be not deceived..." Be aware of Satan's schemes. Put on the full armor of God so that you CAN resist, can stand, when the onslaught hits you. Above all, TRUST God, no one else, to be "always faithful." Hold fast to Philippians 4:13, because our human strength and resources ARE limited, but His are unlimited and available to us as HIS bride.

There is much more, but for now, KNOW that many others have faced the trial you are going through and have gotten through it. It IS a "refining fire" for both of you. You WILL both see reality for what it is and will KNOW that sin is real, not just a concept. You will both know the devastation that follows in the wake of temptation "given into."

God bless, and keep posting.

Hi again, I haven't posted in a while but that doesn't mean the pain has gone away.

I just need to know what to do if the WS doesn't want to give you all the information you want to know. I asked my wife who the guys were that she was with but she doesn't want to tell me.

I know it bothers her when i want to talk about her affairs, she asks me what I want to know and when I ask her, she tells me that I don't need to know that. She's affraid that I will go and beat the livin' daylights out of those guys, maybe I will but why should that bother her if she's really sorry for what she did and at the time didn't care what she did to me?

Any advice on how to get the information you need if they don't want to tell you?

Continually tell her you need the information to heal. She is now the "healer" and needs to do everything in her power to make you feel safe and secure in your relationship.
Peace,
holiday