Hard to believe that last year at this time, I was happily wearing my wedding ring and excited to be spending more time with my husband in our training for Ironman and as he quit his volunteer work as a firefighter and just focused on one career. One year and a few hours from now, my life would change dramatically and those dreams I had with my STBX would be shattered. I am planning on getting out of the house tonite as means to avoid that sad reflection back....I lost over 10% of my body weight over a month last year at this time.

WH actually contacted me yesterday and asked me to avoid saying anything negative to a background investigator who will be calling me about his potential in the law enforcement industry. I told him that it is not my position to disclose what is going on between us yet I would be truthful if a direct question was asked. I also told him that I was thrilled to see him so passionate about something he was once so unhappy about, specifically his career. I think career stress on both of our ends placed a huge strain on our marriage and it hurts to think that we both have moved forward in this respect and still our marriage is disentegrating. I can't help but to want to try to salvage our marriage in this last month prior to our difinitive ending (divorce will be finalized soon). Has anyone else still wanted to save their marriage moments before their divorce was finalized?

Cheers,

Muels

I have not ever reached the "almost divorced" stage Muels but I think it would be very common for people to want to salvage the marriage, if possible.

Whether that is possible, I suppose, depends on whether both people are pondering the same thing. Do you think he feels as you do? Might it be something to discuss before the ink is dry on the papers? It is really up to you and how you feel about it.

~ Snow

I think kjb23 has had a very very hard time letting go of the notion of "what she had", and accepting what "she has". We all struggle with this. There does come a time when despite our worst fears, the inevitable does happen.

Kjb23:

I think career dissatisfaction, depression, all of that $hit played a factor in your current situation with your WH.............BUT in the end, you are getting divorced because your WH chose this for his life. He chose to betray you, and he continues to betray you by living with the barely out of HS girl. It doesn't matter at all what he says to you, his actions are what matters.

Please do NOT misinterpret any kindness to you as of late as "caring". He doesn't give a rats a$$ about you. He cares about himself, and he is banking on your "kindness" to help his background investigation go smoothly. That is what this is all about.

Him getting a new career will not change him. It is my contention that he is who he is.

Look at me for instance. People probably thought I was an arrogant A-hole in Highschool and many years later after having graduated from Medical School...I am probably still the same guy....LOL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />....well you get the point.

YOu can't save him from himself. PLease disregard that notion.

Cheers,

LM

Yeah...and the struggle continues. For the first time since WH, I was intimate with another man tonite yet I feel guilty...is this normal? The man I met is cute, a navy seal, and a great athlete...yet I still think of and miss WH. God, am I just that f*cked up? It is not fair...I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking of WH as another man complements me. This is going to be a very long road for me...anyone have any words that may help speed this everlasting road of sadness I seem to be riding? I want to be able to move on but I can't stop thinking about WH and the life we once had together. Ugh.

Muels

Sure. I can help with that. Stop putting effort into the relationship. Where you put selfless effor, your heart will follow. It is the "servant's heart" mentality.

Chrisian or not, there is a lot of truth in that.

Here is a thread I started on the Servant's Heart

Take a read. Lots of people had some good things to say about the mechanics behind love.

NCW

Muels, I have always followed your posts (this is maddyk, if you don't remember) and always felt for you, how quickly all this happened for you. The quickness with which things went was both a blessing and a curse.

Some of us long for fence-sitters...after all, with a fence-sitter, there is a chance. But those with fence-sitters go through so much more pain as well. For most of my separation I did not have a fence-sitter..when I got one, I plan B'd. It surely meant the end of my marriage for SURE..however it saved me a lot of pain as well.

I'm sure you're tired of hearing this, but you will do well in your life. You have it "together" in so many ways. I know that your dream was to share this with your husband, but to quote Dr Phil...'it is what it is'.

A short-while ago I also tested the waters of a new person...and while I don't regret what I did, I felt a lot of guilt and sadness afterwards so I do understand.

I believe my email address is visible in my profile. You just have to put the @ sign instead of the word at. Please feel free to email me anytime.

As is often stated, no one is responsible for your happiness but yourself. You tried the "intimate with someone else"route to solve your problems(and I am NOT condemning you for it)but it really didn't help, did it?

If you want to wallow in self pity,that is your prerogative. No mature man will join you. But you have one hell of a chance attracting another man EXACTLY like the WH that first ran to you to give him completeness and then a very short time later, ran away mired in that same pathology.

No lover, no person, no chemical, no job is responsible for your happiness except Muels herself.

Hi Cymanca...actually, I do feel better now after realizing that my connection with this new man was more than just physical. Yes, I have trust issues which is why I think I was emotional after taking that intimacy step with him. WH was my first and only sexual (intercourse) experience as I have always strongly believed that there has to be more than just a physical connection to cross that intimacy line. Well, I do admit that this new man and I had a strong physical attraction to each other but before any line was crossed, we had made an intellectual connection. I am not sure where our relationship will go but it is refreshing to know that I am now seemingly able to move forward with this aspect of my life. I saw my WH yesterday as he came by to drop something off and I wasn't at all attracted to him....it is amazing how some bad behavior can distort the face of someone you once saw as the most beautiful person in the world. We talked and for the first time, I wasn't the least bit interested in what he was up to with OW...interestingly, though, he seemed interested in what was going on with me. Anyways, I don't think I should be condemned for moving forward....actually view this as a breakthrough after spending a full emotional year trying to salvage a marriage to WH singlehandedly only to be shotdown and presented with a divorce.

Cheers,

Muels