I read the posts and this seems to be a good idea but it leaves out one step which I consider myself in. Before declaring war on the A, you need to decide if this is a war worth fighting. There are some marriages that need to end in divorce. Some good people marry bad people that they do not need to be connected to. Sometimes the WS was never in love with you in the first place and married for some other reason. Sometimes the WS thought they loved you but learned later that they did not. You have to use your head, heart and common sense to decide. Of course, they should have asked for a divorce and left without cheating but some people are just insensitive, selfish or just not very intelligent. This leaves us having to pick up our lives because of it. Just wanted to throw in my two cents worth in as it is probably not worth more than that.

bob, that is a very good point. Some marriages should not be saved. I very much agree.


And almost ALWAYS the WS says these very words because they are rewriting history to justify the unjustifiable. Doesn't mean any of it is ever true. These are classic WS fogspeech statements that we hear on this forum every day.

Melody, I find that you are one of the most grounded people on this site. There are a lot of theories and very good points that we must listen to and heed from very smart people on this site and people who have already gone through all of this and come out the other side. However, there are realities and variances that have to be factored in with the theories and you are very good at that aspect. I tend to agree more with your approach than WAT's. I would prefer not to be at this site at all but people like you help us to realize that we are good people and that we can and should stand up for ourselves and demand the best out of life.

Bob, thank you very much for your kind words. I would only add that most of us do have different approaches that tend to appeal to different people. WAT is extremely experienced and can often be of help in cases where others can not. I have learned alot from him over the years.

And I am very sorry you are here, too, but welcome you to Marriage Builders. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bob,

It can certainly seem or feel that way. But before we throw in the towel, knowing we do the best the can is important for each of us personally.

I know that when I was ready to do so, I had done all I felt I could and even to this day, if my H would walk in and say he needed to D me, I would not put up the fight. I have already fought that battle and done my best.

You know this very factor is one of the things that holds my H to his family. He knows his worth is on the line. Both my son and I have proven our worth all along the way. But the Xws will always have that on his/her record.

However, during the fight for your M, it is normal for a BS to want to give up. We feel sooo helpless. Please know that those feelings are temporary. If you focus in on a good plan and keep moving forward, the benefit will be your self improvement w/b noticed by you, for you and noticed by the WS along with others. Postive results come but they do take time.

Plan A is like the negogiation process prior to war. The battle is already heated and raging in some areas but all attempts to do it peacefully have to be tried. When this doesn't work, then plans like plan B are put to work for the protection and defense of the family more than the recovery of the WS. Remember you don't want the WS back, you want your real or improved spouse. Nothing less.

Use the tools to undermine the enemy not empower them.

JMHO,
L.

Hello Bob.

Some marriages should not or cannotbe savd, I agree - BUT the decision to rebuild or abandon a marriage should be made out of calmness, personal strength and knowledge, NOT as a knee-jerk reaction to the most traumatic event to strike most of our lives - D-day.

Once my head starte dto settle after dd-day I decided that I needed to help end Squids affair if I could and resume some normality so as to asess the damage once the firestorm was out. I didn't know for sure until a month after NC that I wanted to invest in rebuilding.

I believe that a calmly and intelligently chosen D is a success story more than the restoration of a suppressive, unflfilling M.

Regarding the concept of fighting 'the affair' like a war doesn;t work for me.

Intangible enemies can;t be fought. You need a person or a thing to shoot at.

Infidelity is just a manifestation of a broken personality IMO. Better to consider it a disease, and 'fight' infidelity as if its a disease IMO, like medics 'fought' smallpox and won.

All blessings.