Hi
How do you begin to rebuild a M where trust is broken? We make it a few days to a week then it goes south...
Any ideas??
Thanks

The way you rebuild trust is to act trustworthy.

Thanks for info.
I am not sure what trustworthy actually would look like in my H. I don't know how I'd tell if he is now trustworthy.
H had A.
Ideas?

Does he account to you for his time? Does he tell you the truth? Did he stop doing the things that betrayed your trust?

Ohh,
I get it. He sorta acounts to me for his time. He does work long hours and goes to bed early. We haven't lived together since Oct 04--he was not being nice at all to me for the months before repeat A.
I think he has been OW free for 3-4 months. H says he choses me, not OW. This is positive. Right.
H just tells me what I want to hear, perhaps.
So, I think we are beginning in this.
What then?

stid, I am not sure what you are asking. Could you be more specific in your question? It would help if you would give some background of your situation.

Hi MelodyLane,
We'd been married a long time before H had A's last year. Our children are all grown.
We are now separated and have tried to get back together several times. It seems like the mistrust gets in the way.
I like the lovebank filling up concept, but it is hard for me to figure out how he depletes mine. I know rejection whether real or perceived is part of it.
We did go out again today and so far so good. That makes 2 days.
Thanks
I guess we have messed up the next step so many times I am unsure even what it is to ask for!
Anything you have to offer will be appreciated.
stidnumh

Well stidnumb - We have a plan here for recovery. Your husband needs to have no contact with OW. You need to be able to verify that to feel safe. It is suggested that he write her a letter - a short one - "I love my wife and have decided to work on my marriage. Please don't contact me for any reason.

Then he needs to account for his time away from you. Why should you trust him? That would be crazy, as he is not trustworthy. He needs to take actions to earn back your trust.

Beliver,
I will do that.
Where do I find the plan here for recovery?
Thanks
stidnumh

There is a whole bunch of information on the home page. Read it all until you have it memorized. You can start in Plan A, and give that awhile.

Keep posting here, and getting support. It is very helpful. No one understands like someone who has been through this mess.

stid, how did you come to seperate? How come he has not moved back home? Do you think he is still in the affair? Who is the OW? Is she married?

Thanks,
I found it and was trying to print some of it...
I'm excited to have a guide!!!Thanks

stidnumh - Ditto to Melody's questions.

Hi
I didn't get my reply to post last time prior logging out. Sorry.
I didn't let H move back home the second round. It had been too traumatic. He'd been so awful and I didn't trust H not to return and leave again. So, we've been trying to work it out...the MC wasn't that helpful...enc my leaving.

H says no contact for over 100 days. I was again with H today as we try to begin a new M.

We tried getting together a couple weeks ago and it didn't last. We need more direction in finding our way thru this. We know how messed up we are just not how to work it out.

OW several D and several failed R. Used one of my family to get to H. OW needy and not ever to be trusted with anything/anyone valuable. If you think she posts here, I'll be happy to leave this board. I want no part of OW or anything she is doing.

Thanks,
stidnumh

(some times I do not use my head) but this wanting no part of OW I am sure of.

stid, was this his first affair? Can you tell me about it? How did you find out? What did you do when you found out? Did you kick him out?

Any children? How long married? Does he want to come back home?

was this his first affair? sorta.

Can you tell me about it?
He had an emotional affair when we'd been M a few years--she was 20 years older than us at the time.
This affair started as EA with OW pursuing H for months. H basked in the attention and OW neediness.

How did you find out?
I confronted H about where our M was going. H lied about OW and then later that day admitted it.

What did you do when you found out? Did you kick him out?NO.
Round 1: I prayed and prayed and thot it was all lost. I cried cried. He came home after a short time moved in with OW. I was so thankful.
Round 2:Then after a few awful months of him trying to make me leave so he could move on and marry OW, he moved out again. I was devastated. Totally. I chose to not let him move back in .

Any children? 5 How long married? over 25 years

Does he want to come back home?
Yes, we both want to be together but we keep doing the same old things that make it hard to be together for extended periods of time.
Tonight we talked and were open. H still comes at me blaming but I've read enuf now to know it isn't true so I tried to hear what he was saying. Come to find out H is afraid I'll make him leave forever and I'm afraid H will seek out OW.
So, today H agreed to work toward reconcilation and do what it takes to move toward being together. Neither of us want to be apart but we don't have the skills to live peaceably yet.
I love him.

One thing H said tonight that I'm not sure what to think of was:
You still have your parents that care about you mine aren't living so they can't care.

What do you think?
Yes, my entire family is very supportive. Nope, they don't like him right now.
His siblings not very supportive--but they never were before.
Do you think the whole thing is a manipulation so I'll feel sorry for him. I guess given time to think about the day, I'm confused and concerned. H has deceived me before....
Is he trustworthy and is he telling the truth. I have no way of knowing.

Stid, I would ask him for a plan to restore your marriage from the damage he has caused. Ask him what things he could do to restore the broken trust in your marriage. It is HIS JOB to restore the trust and do the work. What is he going to do to acheive that goal?

For example, he could start by sending the OW a no contact letter that you write together and is mailed by you. He could pledge to never ever contact her again and account to you for all of his time. He could give you all of his cellphone and voice mail passwords and open up his life to you.

ML,
I like the sound of this. Before, I tried to make the plan and it just wasn't working. The responsibility goes back to him. This takes the pressure off of me.
This is a really good idea.
So, H would no longer give me a "gag" order of not to talk about him...at a family gathering. H would have an open life with nothing to hide. Actually, I wouldn't have talked about him anyway...
I'll see how this goes...
Thank you once again, it helps.