Well, tonight was not the night to talk. I listened to his talk of a hard day at work. H didn't leave an opening for any other conversation... It's all about him again...
I guess that is a huge withdrawal from the love bank...

I'm still going to see if H is interested. What does it say if he isn't interested? Just wondered.

So I worry for no reason at times. He is willing to be open and accountable.
He did say he wrote a letter several months ago to her although I never did see it. He said he told her no contact.

I receive the cell phone bill and can check all calls made/received thru the internet billing. Although this new cell she never had the number for and I have the pay as you go phone which is the one she had access to.
H has one internet area he asked me not to read. Can you check a site and not read the info???

I just can't dread the heartache of another failure at reconciliation. '
I am trying to set a few guidelines which are reasonable and beneficial to both of us prior to his moving home. Actually, I'd really like it to be into a new place since my lease is up this summer. Kinda a new beginning type action.

I see him tomorrow and will be able to ask for goals for restoring the trust. Is it better for them to be written?

I'm going to review plan a again.
Thanks
T.

stid, why is there an internet area you can't read? What is that about?

You don't have to reconcile until you feel it's right. Sounds like he has a lot of work to do first. If I were you, I wouldn't even consider it until he has reassured you he will protect you. Here is a good guideline of what you should expect in a marriage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

About the no contact letter, I would ask to see the one he sent and see if its appropriate. It probably isn't at all and if that is the case, I would ask him to write another one. Why don't you read it, Stid, and come here and give us an idea what it says. Unless it basically says that affair was a mistake and to never contact him again, then it won't work. If it expresses his love, blah, blah, then it won't suffice. That is the least he can do.

Hi ML,
The area he doesn't want to let me read is a site for him to get accountability. I did set up the account and the email so I have both of the passwords. What kind of trust am I breaking if I look?

I am now very much wanting to read that letter. If it speaks of his love... you are right, it would need re-written. Somehow, I would be reassured if I read that. A very good idea.

When he begins to protect me again then I'll begin the trust is right. It was the protection that went first and I felt it. Really felt it. Such practical ideas. So very helpful.
Thanks!!!!

stid, you should be checking up on him. He is untrustworthy and doesn't deserve trust. Your first obligation is to protect yourself, he should have no secrets from you. So, go and look and don't tell him you are looking.

I am still confused about what kind of internet site it is that you can't read? Do you mean his email account? And how does that "get him accountability?" I don't understand. Can you elaborate?

M--It is called every man's battle. It is one I learned about from every heart restored. I thot it would help. If I check the site and he says things that are ugly about me then how will I deal with that? I did look at the emails and there was nothing there to worry me.

Please pray for me to find wisdom here. I think U are right in checking up on him, I just fear what I will find him saying about me...I guess it could be helpful.

I am so fearful I'll do this wrong, but we already did it that way so maybe I can only make it better

Thanks

Hi again. "Every mans battle" is a Christian site, I think. At least in our church, it is a Christian mens group.

If that is where he is going, I think it will be good for your marriage.

believer,
That is the site. He quit doing it several weeks ago when he got angry at me.. so now nothing to worry about... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I got to thinking if I want him to be accountable then I should tell him.

I am ok with the letter to OW, it was done right. She had no contact with H after we saw her several weekends ago.
H tells me OW is a nonissue now since his walk with the Lord is right. Hmmmmmmmm

The Every Man's Battle site I didn't understand and tonight I asked him. H tells me it is issues and holding each other accountable plus it included anger issues. That actually helped me. H also said the men live their lives as an open book and that is his goal. I asked him to return to participating in the site regularly and H agreed. WOW!

We had a date tonight and it went well. No angry words, insinuations, acuasations etc. I'd like for him to be my best friend again. That is in the future, now I'd settle for a friend.

We are talking later this week...any ideas?

Ok, I've gone back to the basics again and am reading the 4 rules to guide marital recovery. Do I just let him read it too?
I really want to travel the path right this time, not some alternate route.
THe rule of protection is going to be harder to fix the leaks...worth doing but harder. Going over the love busters will help...
The POJA will be an asset for us. (He has seen this one before--didn't use it but won't be new info this time)

There is so much...how long to set them in place?
Is there a way to do this without being a bulldozer?????

I may be upset with the Lord right now because I am. I know He loves me and has a plan and a purpose for my life. I am frustrated with all the above. I know God didn't create the mess, we did. I'm still struggling...

marriage builders principals should become a way of life....not just a for the next six month kinda thing.

nikko
You are so right. Putting it all in place and doing it well seems to be my (our) biggest difficulty. Walking through the 4 steps and then living by them will be a challenge. Bumps along the way include my family...they want me out of this M. H can't fool them like he does me so often. Time will tell on this.
Off to work now.

I think I'm about to do the rollercoaster of emotions thing...when is this going to end.

stidnumh - It goes on and on if you let it. But if you get proactive and stick to the plans here, it getsd much better. My WH is still with OW, but my life is full and good again. You can do this.

Thanks. I need to focus and follow the plans here.
Actually, I met briefly with a new friend to be after I posted this. God has always been faithful.
I will keep trying even tho I want to quit and become a hermit (like today)

I am not doing well. H is showing true colors...probably just hanging around because he needs something of mine, again. Why didn't I figure this out earlier. Pattern is he is mean and ugly then gets nice, gets whatever he came for (furniture etc) then gets ugly...Same cycle.
I don't know how he'd react if he didn't get his way...

Hi,
The above dilemma resolved since I didn't own what he wanted. He seems ok with that.

The kids invited him over and we had a light supper, he tossed some money on the counter to help cover expenses since I'd run to the store. We'd gone to the pool.

I think we are just like friends in the same place but not close. He looks so tired. I just want to comfort him and tell him everything will be ok. I can't do that since to my knowlege he is getting no help. Do men every recover from an A without help?

I don't call or plan things with him anymore. Since I recognized the anger issue in me, I've been working on dealing with the issues around the anger. I'm learning.

Where do I go from here? Do I have a choice really if he doesn't seek counsel/coaching? How do I keep moving toward the future? what do I do next?

Thanks

Hi

We aren't talking now.

I'm now unsure if I want him back. I'm also unsure what my expectations of a reconciliation should look like if I do.

Stid, have you read up on Plan B? What are your thoughts on going into Plan B? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

I don't get Plan B. I think I will purchase the "recovery from an affair" book.
sometimes I don't get things when I really just don't want to get it--too much truth in the info, too high cost emotionally etc.
I need to do Plan B or I'm gonna end up filing D.
I don't want my H with anyone else, but not knowing if I want him myself makes a very ugly picture of me. I'm going to the bookstore now.