Hi,

This is my first post, so please bear with me.

Me - 36
H - 38
Kids - D12, D5
OW - 28
Bomb dropped April 2nd 05
H left April 3rd 05

At the beginning of April, my H dropped the bomb - he wants a divorce, I love you but I'm not in love with you etc. He has re-written the history of our marriage, and although he says he cares very much about me, he has been so cruel in things he has said about me I can't believe he can. He has called me a bad mother to our 2 kids (D12, D5), he says we haven't had a marriage for years, that I am unsupportive and selfish. I am stunned and devastated.

The next day he left me and our girls, and moved straight in with OW (a collegue of his - they are both teachers). They have moved into an apartment only 1/2 mile away, I cannot bear to have them so close. He wants to be close so he can see the children easily. I am terrified I will meet them in the street; I don't think I could bear it if I saw them together.

I begged him to stay - I tried to tell him all that was good about our marriage - we were such good friends, we have so much in common, our children are so beautiful; but it was a waste of breath. He just told me that it was better this way, that he wants us all to be happy, and this OW will make him happy in a way I couldn't.

He wants a divorce ASAP - I don't want a divorce but want him home with me and our girls (who are distraught he has gone - they never believed this could happen in a million years). He is quickly establishing the OW as his new partner, rather than his mistress - within a week of leaving me he was phoning his parents insisting that they meet the OW, or he would never visit them. Within the first week, he was also pressuring me to let our girls meet the OW. He has told all his friends and collegues; he has got the OW accepted into his friendship circle.

I know this seems hopeless.

Please help.

The reason I feel it is hopeless is because my H chose to reveal the affair, and chose to leave me. He had obviously made up his mind about what he wanted. It's not like he was enjoying 'a bit on the side' that he wanted to keep quiet. He has told me he loves this woman and wants to be with her, and can't be with me any more.

How can I 'rock the boat' on this relationship if he's already revealed it to the world, and set OW up as his new partner?

I am so sorry for your pain.I am so sorry you had to come to site like this,but let me tell you this is the best place to be and you are blessed to have found it early in your battle to recover.

I am not the one to give you advice,there are others here that will do that and can guide you to the help you will need.What I can be is support,someone to vent to.

It may seem hopless now but miricles happen.
Have your children met the OW??
I might start by saying absolutly NOT!! Let him know that you must protect the children and in due time they will meet her but not now,not this soon.This may put some kind of burden on thier relationship.I do not think it would be healthy for the children to be exposed to this right now.

Also you may have no choice but to do a plan "B" since he has moved out,his choice was to leave you and his family so he needs to see what life is like WITHOUT YOU so he can have a feeling of what he gave up.

Do you know how long the A was going on before he decided to move out??
They are both teachers can you contact the school district and stir up some trouble for them in this area??
Some jobs will not tollerate this behavoir between employees and after all he is still leagally married to you.

And then the last thing I might add is that as hard as it is make sure you always look your best and your strongest when and if you must see him,he needs to see what he gave up.

My H and I have been seperated for 10months and I believe just last week he finally saw "ME" for the first time,as a woman not his wife and now all of the sudden he is realizing what a mistake he made by wanting to be alone.I make sure when I am going to see him that I look my best and have a big smile on my face.This is all very hard in your time of dispare but I have learned that it makes a huge difference in the way they view you if they see a strong independant woman as opposed to a weak frail one.

Best of luck keep posting,and if you have not gotten the book surviving an affair get it right away.It will help you so much.

Hi Gingersnap,

Thanks for replying! No, the kids haven't met the OW yet, but they are due to in mid June. Does everyone think this is too soon?

I admit I have been a bit of a doormet, trying to make H like me again. He is so cold towards me at the moment.

The A began, H said 'just before Christmas'. This, I assumes, means the PA, but an EA must have been going on a while before that.

As for stirring up trouble at the school, H went straight to the headmaster (principal) after he'd left me and told him about the situation. The headmaster knows, all H's collegues know, all his friends know. It's like the OW has become his wife and I've just been shoved into the back of the cupboard.

Hi Alphin,

You remain this man's wife and the OW is an invader who was willingly let in by an alien (your husband). Gingersnap has given you great advice. Read up on Plan B and cut your husband out of your life and the kids' lives for now. Let him see what he is missing and in the meantime protect your heart towards him.

A well-written Plan B letter can explain to your husband that you still love him and want your marriage to be healed and your family kept whole but that everytime he treats you coldly or introduces OW to another friend, it cuts you deeply and makes you resent him and you don't want to be that way. So for now, you must protect the love you have left for him by sealing yourself off from him and his OW.

Outline that you are NOT comfortable with the kids meeting OW in June. Explain that they are crushed by his choices and meeting her this soon will further damage them and their RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. It will take many months before you will be comfortable with them meeting the home wrecker (don't use those words!) and you'll study the girls' reactions as things go on to determine when would be the best time for THEM to meet her (of course we hope this NEVER happens....).

Oh, and above all.... don't file for divorce unless child issues become problematic or you need to protect your family finances. Some states allow legal separation, others do not. Look into these things so you are wise, but unless you are protecting your children or your finances let him be the one to file. Also see if you are in one of those few states where you can sue the OW for alienation of affection or use adultery as a reason for divorce. This might matter down the line.

Keep posting. Help is here.

~ Snow

Hi Snow,

Thanks very much for your reply.

I admit that I long to be far away from my H at the moment. Plan B sounds great to me, but shouldn't the children be allowed to see their daddy?

He and OW are going to Spain to meet her parents during half term break. This might be the time to start plan B? One thing that has really been upsetting me is how H keeps using his keys to come and go from the house. I don't mean he just turns up and lets himself in, but when he brings the kids home he lets them in with his set of keys, and comes into the house. Guess I need to change the locks?

I did obtain divorce papers right after he dropped the bomb (he was just expecting me to file immediately cited adultery) but after I had a while to think about it, I decided I didn't want a divorce, and I certainly wasn't going to pay the court fees! So I gave him the papers, telling him he could divorce me; that I never wanted any of this to happen, so it was up to him.

The divorce laws are, of course, a little different in the UK. He has no grounds to divorce me for at least 2 years unless he cites 'unreasonable behaviour'. He may do this; I don't know as we aren't talking at the moment.

I have distanced myself from him completely. I no longer want to have any kind of conversation with him, as he only uses them to hurt me. If he needs anything, he has to call me. I have no need for communication at the moment; it's not good for my health or heart!

Let me clarify: of course the children need to see their daddy. The objection is only to them seeing daddy in the presence of the OW! The children should not see the two of them in a room together or a car together or anything. That is what I meant.

And, yes, change the locks. When a WS leaves the home they lose the right to let themselves in, even if it is just to drop the kids off. That is one of the realities the WS has to face. He might as well face it sooner as later.

~ Snow

Hi Snow,

Thanks for that.

I have another question. I have Crohns Disease, and I had always counted on H to be there if I required support if the illness became really bad (it's OK at the moment - bit of a nasty flare up after H left, but only to be expected I guess - Doc thinks it's OK). Now he isn't there any more, I have been thinking seriously about moving away to a town south of where we are now (about 2 hours drive).

I feel I need family support. The thing is, the family I would be moving near to is his family, not mine - my parents are much further away, and I couldn't really afford to live near them.

I was thinking about making this move in the summer - it's a lot to organise but I could do it.

Do members think this is a good idea - plan B with a vengence? Or is it too much? You see, I have to decide soon, as obviously time is pressing. The other major factor is, of course, my girls. They are in excellent schools now, and Elder D especially is very settled where we are now (this town is all she's ever known). I know that they will adjust (kids do, don't they?) but is it one trauma too many?

I should add that both sets of parents fully support whatever I decide. They would like me to move, though - H's parents because they would have their lovely grandchildren just down the road, and my parents, partly because they want to feel that I am not alone, but also (I am sure) because they are so angry with H at the moment and want to punish him.

I would be grateful for any input on this - it is such a major decision.

Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would also be grateful for input on this:

As I mentioned before, H and OW are going to Spain to meet her parents during half term break. I found out a little about OW yesterday from my MIL - previously I'd known nothing about her except she is 28 and a Spanish teacher at H's school.

Well, she comes from what seems like a very conservative Sanish family. Her father is a retired Army captain, and her mother stayed at home her whole life to look after the family. OW doesn't get on with her father, but thinks that H will get on well with her mother.

Now, I know that Spain has, relatively speaking, a very low divorce rate (about 11%, I believe). Further, whilst I suppose that adultery happens in Spain as much as anywhere else, I would assume that a married man who leaves his wife and children for another would not be particularly popular.

I really wonder how the visit will pan out - and how honest H and OW are going to be. How many retired army captain fathers are going to be comfortable that their daughters are seeing a married man who abandoned his family?

How I wish I could expose the full details of the affair to OW's parents! They are not going to be given the full picture, I am sure.

Dear Alphin,

so sorry to read what happened to you. I can only give you a virtual hug from over the Channel (I live in Belgium) but my heart goes out to you.

What worries me a little is that I read 0% anger in your posts. The way your H acted almost makes it appear that you are "the bad one" and that everything he did is somehow justifiable.

Well - it's NOT !
He's a coward to leave you and the children like that.
A selfish, manipulating coward to quickly state to everyone that OW now is his "W" and making sure that they accept this or "he won't be coming over no more"... What sort of childish, selfish behavior is this ??

So yes, move to plan B. Not only should your WH realise what he's losing, but it will also give you a chance to take a step back and see how your H is behaving now. If for reason this OW will "not make him happy" and he expects you to simply take him back in.. don't do it, honey. He'll have to work harder than that to regain YOUR respect and love.

You might still very much love the man he used to be - but the way he's treating you now, is very low and disrespectful and not worthy of your love. So he'll have to work hard to get back into your life, if indeed you'll ever want him back later on.

Do you have contact with his parents? Could they help you? Do they know the full story? It might be good to get their understanding and support in this situation.

It's a good thing if you can be calm and friendly to WH. But don't give in to unreasonable demands. Think about your situation as if it was happening to a good friend of yours - what advise would you give her/him ?

It also might be good idea to contact a good lawyer and to make sure your WH's present behavior is documented somehow, so you'll stand strong if it ever comes to a divorce. Think about yourself, about your children, about your financial safety. Be honest and strong in this my dear: it's clear your WH is being 100% selfish and he's already stolen so many things from you right now emotionally - don't let him get away with anything more.

Sorry if I'm a bit strong with my words here - it just makes me so mad that a someone can be so selfish.

((((Alphin)))) (that's a cyber hug for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

Aww, thanks brownhair! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're right - I'm not angry and I know I should be - my counsellor said this to me too. H said many, many things about our marriage and me personally that hurt me terribly, most of which are not true, but when you hear stuff like that, it's hard to stop it sinking in.

So I guess I have been blaming myself for this. But logically now (thanks to this site, mainly) I know I am
not responsible for him embarking on this affair.

So yes, move to plan B.

Is it a good idea to move away?

Do you have contact with his parents? Could they help you? Do they know the full story? It might be good to get their understanding and support in this situation.

Yes, I am in contact with them and they are appalled by what H has done - although they did let OW into their home it was only after I told them it was OK (during my self-blame phase - I didn't want to put them in an awkward position). They are very eager for me and my Ds to move down to live near them. I know they will help me in any way they can. They are good people.

It also might be good idea to contact a good lawyer

I have an appointment with one on Thursday. It will be good to know where things stand legally.

Thanks again, so much, for your support. And indignation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK... that sounds like an excellent reason to move !!
If H wants easy access to his children... he should have stayed at home !! Or should it all be about HIM and what HE wants and needs ?

Hi again my dear.

Glad my post helped you !
And glad you're taking steps to protect yourself, and your children by going to a lawyer and informing yourself.

I wanted to add I know more or less how you feel right now. When I found out my H (soon to be ex) had sex with a woman whom I thought was my best friend, I was so shocked I couldn't get into touch with my anger. In fact, when that started to surface, I hated myself for it, thinking I was a very unforgiving person to have such intense feelings of anger and even sadistic thoughts. I also felt I had to be a bad, unworthy person if they could do that to me and not consider my feelings... sounds familiar?

When the anger does surface - it's force might surprise you, but don't worry about it, it's a natural thing. Accept it and it will go away a lot faster than when you deny it. Your territory (your M) has been violated by OW and by your WH by letting her into it. Then you were shoved out of the way to make room for them. Well - that's enough to bring out a very strong reaction of fear/anger in any sane, balanced, friendly person. So when it hits - and it probably will - find that quiet spot to smash some plant pots or old table ware, or join a gym, anything to get the anger out of your system in a healthy way. Screaming is also good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />:). And making damn sure you get your fair share of everything when there is a divorce.

Please let us know how you're doing my dear !

Hello darl'

Welcome to the best club in the world that nobody wants to be a member of <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm from the UK - a Midlander - but I'm sure you will understand my accent <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK, only time for a quick response right now but:

* your H is just being a wayward Spouse. While they are active in an affair the bull just wreathes them like cigarette smoke round a jazz trumpeter.

Its called 'the fog'and is boringly predictable with WS. My Squid told me she never loved me, she had found a new soulmate and stole our kids uni money to live with him, yet now she adores me and avers she never loved anyone but me now. It can be done !

* You have some work ahead of you BUT HOPE IS NOT LOST !

Buy and read "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley and correlate the lessons with examples on these boards. you will soon become conversant in the tenets of marriageBulders that have saved so many marriages including mine. Theres lots of wonderful help in the articles that surround this forum too.

* Make no permanent decisions while you are emotionally traumatised. Work a 'plan A' while you set and maintain personal boundaries. All this is in Surviving an affair'.

* Be calm. panic is your enemy.

* You are the only person behaving sensibly right now. You will have to defend your kids best interests. Lay out a boundary that says your kids do not meet OW. Your WH wants to play happy families right now, and its your job to protect your kids from that conceit.

You can do this but its gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done, but we can help you through it. This community has FORMER wayward spouses and recovered betrayed spouses galore who can help you.

Don't panic, darl'.

As a start read the stuff I bundled together about my sitch. you can see what a mess I was ten months ago and that i walked EVERY STEP you have only to rescue my marriage , my life and my self esteem.

Spouse Toolkit

Be calm and work the problem. Post up on general questions 2 as thers more traffic on there.

All blessings.

Mr Pure,

You are an absolute guru! I shall spend the next few hours going through all the info you have provided.

Thanks so much! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alphin

I just feel this is hopeless.

I can't see how I can hope to save this marriage when my H has already decided he is finished with it. He has chosen himself a new 'wife', and I'm chucked in the dustbin.

I have read many, many success stories written by recovering MB's on this board, but I can't find any success for situations like mine where the WH has left the M for someone else. All these situations seem to have ended in divorce.

I feel I'm just wasting everyone's time. I feel I should just divorce my H like he wants and try to get on with my life.

I had hopes that H and OW's trip to Spain to meet her parents might cause some problems between them, but now I think that her parents will probably just swallow any misgivings for the sake of their daughter.

I already feel like an ex-wife. I can't see the point in continuing at the moment. Everything we had between us, all the things we've done, is lost. He has blown it away as if it were nothing.

He is even willing to give up his children for this woman. On D-day he told me that if I took the children away, flew away to another country, he'd 'understand'. Ditto when I told him I was thinking of moving away to be near his parents. I said 'what about you and the children?' and he just said, 'well, I'll find it very hard but I won't try and stop you.' Not that I wanted a court battle over it, but I expected a little more resistance than that. How can he care about being with the OW more than his own children?

I'm sorry to be so negative, but I can't see any hope for my situation.

Alphin its for sure that if you don't fight, you lose by default.

And there are many situations where WS have left home which have ended with a rstored marrige.

You're just not in a mood to search for them.

Remember that most recovered people leave this forum after a while as theyre just living a good loving married life.

The stories most easily found on here are the recent hence troubled ones.

Even the main example in 'surviving an affair' involved a VERY infatuated WS leaving to live with OM. Many Marriages here have even recovered when there have been children with OP !

Even clueless brummies like me can rescue their M Alph.

You have to stiffen up yourself and STUDY.

Information will calm you, as you'll see MOST marriages recover from infidelity.


all blessings

Hello again.

I agree with Pure,you must fight dont let her just walk in and take your family.

Have you spoken to OW yet?? If not here is a place to start.Let her see you as a real person,one that is hurting remember she is only hearing things from your H's side.It took me a while but I finally did contact OW so she could hear my voice and see that I was NOT the monster I am sure my H made me out to be.

Second,my H is hispanic if she is from a latin blood line like you say I can not see her parent accepting this.They are strong believers in family.If there is anyway you can get info on how to contact her parents I believe this is a must.Let them know what is going on,believe me they WILL NOT just accept it for her sake.She will bring shame to their family name not honor.

Do not lie down and die if you really want your M to work.Put on the fighting gloves.Do not let your H run the show here you are in charge of your life and your childrens.
They do not need to meet OW if you are not ready for that.If your H wants to spend time w/the girls he can do it alone.Let your H know that you must protect the kids from this not throw them into it after all this is not a good situation to expose kids to.What will he be teaching them??

And as for feeling like you are disposable,boy do we all know that feeling.It is probably the worst feeling in the world but in time it does go away and you will realize that YOU my friend are the gem,not OW.